A/N: Ah! Sorry, like I said I tend to go off the radar sometimes, but my birthday was happening along with my dad's so I've been a bit preoccupied with partying, drinking and acting like the spoiled brat I am ha ha! So here are two chapters to make up for it, enjoy!

Chapter 9: How to Love

She had been given an assignment by Dr. Greg, whether it was to get a better understanding of her or whether it was to get her to open back up to him she couldn't be sure of.

It was obvious that she had put up a wall during their last session, she didn't know how much it would help, but as she had already learned…Dr. Greg was good at his job.

What he wanted from her was her true and honest feelings on each of her teammates, including Terra. He wanted details, reasons, it was going to be a weird task for her to explore. It was easy to know what you felt for people, the actual reasons behind it were more complex than what regular people experienced.

In her case it had been forbidden for her to experience such things, in many ways it was still new. Because much of her childhood had been all about repression, it made her very inadaptable at handling strong emotions, which was why she kept them so controlled. It wasn't that she was scared of feeling, she was scared of her anger and demonic side taking over and destroying everything she loved.

She lay in her bed pondering each Titan and what it was she truly thought of them.

Love…

Love was a very complex word and even more complex emotion. From what Raven had learned from her time on earth was how the word applied to her and how she applied it to the people around her.

As an empath discouraged from feeling emotion, love had been the most dizzying of emotions to be projected from people. She knew what love was, but didn't have a full understanding of it until she started to experience those feelings herself towards her adoptive family.

Robin was the first person she came to love, simply because he was the first to let her in. He brought together a bunch of misfits and gave them direction, discipline and structure. Having lost his own family he made them into his own; in fact everyone on the team had come to love and respect Robin first and foremost.

Raven loved Robin in a needy way, he was her leader, the center, the support beam, it was his faith in the good of his teammates and the good of people that propelled her to being a Titan, and for that she owed him everything.

There was no way to ever repay him. He didn't act heroic for reward, he acted on principle and belief, it was his job to act in a selfless role.

Robin's love in return was pure friendship, uncompromising and unconditional, except for Starfire… Starfire didn't receive that same kind of love from him, she received all that and more. The intensity of their love was so hot and burning it sometimes gave her a headache.

Starfire was the little sister Raven never deserved. Raven often looked at her with a twinge of jealousy as did many other females. Her beauty, charm, and freedom of expression was a gift you could only be born with. Raven loved Starfire for all her purity and innocence and was incessantly annoyed by it too. Starfire's courage and willingness to go into battle could only be matched by that of amazons, the team was beyond lucky to have someone so strong and resilient with them.

For all of the horrible things that happened to Starfire and for as much as she wore her heart on her sleeve, the one thing Raven admired her for was her ability to still be so kind and forgiving towards the world. Most people let the ugliness of this planet infect them and lower them, but Starfire could see past all the terrors and nightmares to beauty and hope.

Cyborg was someone who embodied each of them. He was intelligent like her, was a leader like Robin, kind like Starfire, and goofy like Beastboy. There was never a moment that anyone felt anything less than comfortable within his presence, he was the easiest to talk to and easiest to be around without any judgment or misunderstanding. Cyborg had an empathy that surpassed even hers, he had an observation and calmness to dealing with people that made him the dependable one of the group in all aspects.

He was realistic but wasn't put off from the possibility of working towards something better. He knew what he was capable of which is why the only time he felt vulnerable was when it came to his appearance. When people feared you because of looking like a machine it was hard for them to see you as a brilliant and capable person. With the Titans he was able to feel normal and they were able to remind him that he had no limits.

Beastboy was the hardest to love. He inflicted himself on people with his jokes and cheesy humor, which more often than not, people just didn't get. Beastboy was probably the most self-conscious and insecure of the group. He happened to be the youngest and was nearly the smallest until he finally grew just one inch taller than Raven. His high energy and optimism was forced in a way where Starfire's was natural, in a sense Beastboy tried too hard. He wanted to be noticed and taken seriously even though he didn't act that way.

But beneath his exuberant personality was a natural animal instinct instilled in him due to his changeling abilities. It made his anger, his prowess, reflexes, and senses heightened in a way that surpassed Robin's abilities. Beastboy trained his talents to a point of mastering them, but never fully embracing them.

Raven knew that Beatboy held back his abilities just as much as she held back hers. Had he ever wanted, he could be just as dangerous and unstoppable as any wild animal he embodied, it was keeping his human side present at all times that held him back from reaching his true potential, for that Raven respected him. To love him was to love his constant attempt to be accepted and to be part of something, something bigger than himself.

And then there was Terra and Slade…two people who she didn't love like she loved as a Titan or human; they were the few and rare who she loved as a demon.

She hated Terra and Slade, pure unbridled hate that fed and nurtured her demonic side. It wasn't the humane side of her that loved them… it was the demon side of her that benefitted and grew stronger from that hatred, and for that her rage and anger loved Terra and Slade.

With them her demonic side could breathe and be free given the right amount of force.

Terra and Slade were the best at bringing out the worst in her.

For Raven to finally trust someone who she instinctively knew to be dishonest had been hard. She had wanted to prove to herself that she was capable of giving people like Terra a chance, give them the benefit of the doubt, and at first she had been pleasantly surprised.

Then Terra had betrayed her and all of Raven's doubts and fears had come back to slap her in the face. It was them letting her in that had nearly killed them and doomed the whole city. It had been embarrassing, shameful and painful to know that someone could do that to you. That even the best of them could be fooled all because you wanted to be a good person and give a homeless runaway a home and give her a team and family that would do anything for her.

Terra had spit in their face and even for all her guilt and sacrificing her life to save theirs, Raven still couldn't forget how her demonic side had come out so violently, loving the thrill of a life and death fight with the earth controlling girl. Her demonic side had found someone to thrill and entice her, someone close to an equal in ways of cold pure hatred…that is until Slade came back for her.

By the time Slade had come back from the dead, Ravens ability of dealing with strong emotions had been getting more refined. She wasn't so nervous to smile, laugh or even cry. She was slowly learning how to push her emotional abilities to a point of safety, this included her anger.

One of the benefits of living with four other people was that they constantly pushed your limits. It was also the benefit of being on a team who could hold you back from really hurting a villain- who's main objective is to break and demoralize you. Raven had slipped a few times with the villains she came across such as Doctor Light and had always been grateful that Slade never tried to single her out.

Even in her demonic state she doubted her ability to defend herself against Slade without killing him. He was a psychopath who could manipulate, control and break you as if it were one of the easiest things in the world. They had nearly lost Robin that way, had lost Terra that way, and when he came for Raven it was lucky that he was already dead because Raven was another victim to his mind games.

Slade had met within her such a strong connection only because he had discovered all of her history and fate of her destiny and prophecy. He knew her in such a way that no one ever did, he knew her in the very ways she had never wanted anyone to know-especially her friends- and it had ruined her.

She had been broken to the point of going with him to her death. She had let Slade kill her and kill the world and had it not been for her magic keeping her friends safe they also would've died. Robin had reminded her more than once that if she had truly been hopeless she wouldn't have instilled some of her magic in them to help them survive the arrival of Trigon.

Raven never admitted out loud to him that she really only did that because she hoped they would survive a few more days and be together to accept their deaths in peace, she never actually expected them to succeed in destroying her father.

Either way her Rage persona had never had a more thrilling and exciting time than it had had with Slade. Oh yes her Rage had loved having Slade around to break Raven and let her free, and her Rage had especially loved letting Slade know how insignificant he really was in the grand scheme of things… a servant boy.

She expected she would meet her final death in her weak child form, maybe Slade would find her and finish the job himself for not receiving his end of the bargain. She would've let Slade do it too, she would've gladly let him kill her over and over, it only seemed fair. It seemed to be the only benefit the two of them had left, the only thing they had left for each other. Submission and dominance… that had been their game.

So now what was the game?

What was he to her now? What role did they take on in this new setting? Terra had already reclaimed her position, what kind of circumstances would they be in now both being prisoners to a very screwed up system.

She sighed tapping her fingers impatiently on the counter top. Night two and no different from the first, Slade locked himself in his room, she stayed sitting at the kitchen island barely moving or doing her job. Five minutes left to go.

The hour spent here had felt like five, she decided to make the last five minutes pass by as quickly as possible by doing a once around the living room.

There was a new text about Roman history on one of the bookshelves, an indent on the plush sofa, and his windows needed to be cleaned. She passed by the hallway without looking down its dark corridors and opened the front door loudly to let him know she was leaving.

No hidden wires, no suspicious objects, nothing new from yesterday besides some gathered dust, no reason for her to stay any longer.

As she started to walk out the door she heard Slade open the door from his bedroom and call out to her. "See you tomorrow," in that mocking menacing voice she remembered all too well on her birthday.

She slammed the door so hard it echoed off the walls.

A/N: A bit shorter than my other chapters, but this is mostly just filler for some better nights to come. I figure the first couple of nights would be met with very little to nothing going on between these two so I want to make sure everything is done in a believable and organized way. Next chapter will be well worth it!