"So, tell me about your journey."

"My... journey?"

"How you came into yourself; how you came to realize that you were attracted to women, and what made you choose Rosewood."

Spencer was caressing her cappuccino cup in her hands the way a dog paws an oversized bone that she'd put up a fight before letting go of.

Paige liked these coffee breaks with Spencer. They began stopping off at The Brew after the occasional meetings that they had to discuss the progress on getting Paige's records transferred. After that, when Paige and Spencer started hitting the gym together, going for coffee afterwards seemed like a given. Paige was glad to have some one-on-one time with Spencer. She demurred whenever Spencer invited her to come out with the rest of the girls – meaning Emily and the clan from high school. Paige had never been of that mindset; the "herd" mentality, with girlfriends who traveled together like cattle. She really liked having that one friend to drink coffee and to dish with. And she and Spencer had quietly become really good friends. On this particular morning, after a lot of frustration and running around, trying to track down yet another set of records that the Philadelphia School District decided it needed, coffee was just the thing.

Paige took a deep breath, enjoying the delightful smell of coffee beans that filled her nostrils as she did. "My journey…" she said pensively. "Well, I don't know. It's… kind of... You know. I grew up in a small town in Nebraska – the kind where that flag on the mailbox that lets you know you had mail wasn't just there for decoration, you know what I mean? The mailbox was so far from the house that you wanted to be pretty sure there was something in it before you committed to taking that long walk." Paige chuckled, and Spencer did, too. "And, so, I really didn't have any exposure to other options, when it came to sexuality. I know it's hard to believe, in this day and age, when it's all over TV and movies and the internet, but… It was kind of like watching porn, you know? Even if you play along with the premise and accept the plot that, you know, all the nurses on the floor are going to get together and bang the patient with a huge… whatever while he's in traction." Paige took a contemplative pause. "Well, you can play along with it while you're watching, but it has no relevance to your everyday life. So, it wasn't that I was suppressing my sexuality; I just had no idea that I was actually having any of those kind of… mythical, unicorn-ish feelings." Paige looked at Spencer quizzically. "If that even makes sense…" Spencer nodded.

"So, anyway," Paige continued, "I went to college, and I got exposed to different lifestyles. I even had a couple of roommates who were… well, more than just roommates. And that was fine, that was cool, but, again, nothing to do with me. It was only when, one time, Trevor and I were in bed together and... Well, you know, not to get too graphic, but we were going at it pretty hard, and I realized that, in my head" – Paige gestured with her hands at the side of her face, moving them forward in a simultaneous chopping action, as if illustrating the thoughts jumping out of her head – "I was seeing Molly."

Paige paused, a little worn out by the emotional weight of what she was discussing for the first time with another human being. It was helpful to process those thoughts, but it wasn't easy.

"And, Molly was?"

Paige smiled, exhaling a laugh through her nostrils. "Molly was this girl I knew in high school. Paige's tilted her head back, wistfully, at the memory. "She used to look at me with the sweetest smile, and look away quickly, whenever I noticed. I always thought that she was just really shy, but she wanted to be my friend. It wasn't until years later that I recognized the way that she used to look at me. And I recognized that fluttery feeling" – Paige circled the area in front of her stomach as she described the feeling – "that I got in my gut whenever she looked at me that way."

"So, did you guys become friends?"

Paige tightened her lips. "Sort of. I mean, we said hi to each other in the hallways, and stuff like that, but…" Paige shook her head slowly. Spencer looked concerned, wondering what Paige had done.

"Paige?" Spencer wanted to make sure that Paige was okay.

Paige took a deep breath and pressed on. "One day, she just disappeared. People started saying that her parents transferred her to Catholic school." Paige scoffed. "And, then the rumors started about 'inappropriate behavior'" – Paige made the air quotes – "in the locker room, angry parent meetings, all kinds of shit." Paige tapped her finger against her coffee cup. "Years later, when I started to learn a little more about the world, I started to wonder whether her parents sent her to some kind of Conversion Camp, or something."

Spencer reached for Paige's wrist. Paige didn't usually like physical contact between friends, but it felt comforting. She trusted Spencer.

"So, yeah." Paige took a sip from her cup. "I didn't know what to do; I didn't know whether I should say something; I wasn't even sure that it meant anything. But then, things just started to make sense in my mind, you know? Things from my past, feelings that I thought were admiration or appreciation or 'girl-crushes' or whatever. And, I started to do some research on-line, and, you know. Good old Google. It remembers your past searches. My husband saw some story on the news about men having strokes and heart attacks and got online to do some research. But when he started typing, 'Am I at risk for a stroke,' Google 'remembered' my search for 'Am I lesbian or bisexual,' and the fireworks started. I thought it was good, at first. I thought that we could have a rational discussion about what I was feeling, and that, maybe, it would give me – and us – some clarity. So, I told him: It wasn't about him, I wasn't dissatisfied, I loved him, and I wasn't looking for anybody else. I was just trying to make sense of some feelings from my past."

Spencer nodded. "I take it that didn't go over well."

Paige scoffed at the understatement. "If there's one thing worse than a homophobe, it's a homophobe who's out to prove that you don't need a woman; that he's man-enough to drive those lesbian thoughts right out of your mind. And, all of a sudden, our lovemaking went from being this beautiful, shared experience to him trying to pound the gay away. There was no 'love' about it. And, so, of course, that started to drive a wedge between us…"

"Of course!"

"And I don't even think it was about me liking girls as much as it was that he couldn't stand losing, you know? Like, if he couldn't 'change me back,' he was just going to..."

"Take his balls and go home?"

Paige chuckled bitterly. "Exactly." She muttered under her breath, "If he had any." She took a sip of her coffee, hoping it would help her to calm down. It didn't. The more she thought about things, the more wildly her arms were flailing as she talked about them. "The thing that I don't get is that he was never jealous of men, even though he knew I was attracted to men, but, as soon as he saw that line in my search history, he became convinced that I'm going to dump him for the next random vagina that crosses my path!" Paige cleared her throat and took a glance around. She'd kind of forgotten herself, and the fact that they were holding the conversation in a very public place. "Anyway," she said, shifting in her seat. "So, yeah. That's my journey." Perking up in a mockingly enthusiastic way, with an over-the-top smile, clasping her hands beneath her chin, she asked, "So, now, how about your journey?"

Spencer laughed, to break the tension, and she started talking, realizing how much Paige wanted to move on from the self-exposing revelations she'd just shared. "Well, I grew up in a small town, too," she said, stretching her arms out at her side, indicating Rosewood. "But, you know, all that stuff was thrust out into the open once Emily got outed. So, I never really had to doubt whether what I felt was viable – whether 'real' people had thoughts like that." Spencer shrugged, taking another sip of her cappuccino.

"But you never dated any women in high school?"

"I didn't," Spencer confirmed. "But it wasn't as if I made a decision not to. I can just as easily fall in love with a guy as with a girl. It just happened, in high school, that the people I clicked with were guys. And I wasn't exactly bursting at the seams to let people know that I liked girls too, given how people tend to turn up their noses at bisexuality." Spencer leaned over the table, with a sly grin. "Besides, Emily pretty much had a monopoly on all the available women in town!"

Spencer was obviously joking; still, Paige's head snapped back in surprise. Spencer quickly backtracked. She knew that Paige had feelings for Emily, even though Paige wasn't ready to admit them – not to Spencer, or Emily, or even herself. "Not that Emily was promiscuous, or anything. It was high school, you know? We all went through our succession of paramours. I think it had something to do with that teenage need to find who we truly are, or to convince ourselves that we're worthy of affection." Spencer tilted her head, lobbing the ball back into Paige's court. "Did you date a lot in high school?"

Paige looked up at the ceiling to think over her reply. "I went out on a lot of dates in high school," she said, "but I didn't date a lot, in the sense of 'relationships'." Paige broke out the air quotes again. "The pickings in high school were really… pretty slim."

"Except for Molly," Spencer said with a laugh, squeezing Paige's hand.

"Except for Molly," Paige smiled, appreciating the break in the tension. Shaking her head, she asked, "How is this not weird?"

"How is what not weird?"

"Us. You and me. I mean, we both find each other attractive, and yet, we can be friends like this, without trying to make it into something more."

Spencer clutched her heart, widening her eyes. "You mean it's possible for a woman to be friends with someone attractive, without wanting to sleep with her?"

Paige smiled, rolling her eyes at the sarcasm. "Yeah, who would've thought?"

Spencer shrugged one shoulder. "I guess it's like what we were saying before, you know? We're not in high school. We can relate to people on a deeper level, without having to prove to ourselves that we could be in a relationship with them."

"Well, whatever it is," – Paige uncharacteristically put her hand on top of Spencer's and gave it a squeeze – "I'm glad that we're friends. You've helped me out in so many ways since I moved here. And I'm not just talking about my issue with the school district."

Spencer stood up, stepping over to the side of the booth. "This is where we hug."

Paige stood up and extended her arms. "You never struck me as a hugger, Hastings."

"I'm not, McCullers," Spencer replied over Paige's shoulder.

It was a beautiful moment, but it was quickly over, as it wasn't really either woman's thing. Paige and Spencer quickly took their seats again, smiling the smiles of people who had gone through some shared, mortifying experience together and were bound by an unspoken code to keep the secret for life.

Paige cleared her throat, her hands and her attention on her coffee cup. "I still can't picture you and Emily dating."

"I'm not surprised," Spencer said nonchalantly, taking another sip from her cup. "It was… pretty weird."

"Weird how?" Paige leaned in, hunching her shoulders as if she were discussing classified information. "I need details!"

Part of it was that Paige really wanted to make sure that Spencer and Emily didn't still have feelings for each other. But, mainly, Paige wanted to be able to believe that Spencer was right when she said that she and Emily would make a good match.

Spencer sighed, pulling her right leg up into the booth and letting it rest flat against the seat. "There's really not much to tell, she said, turning her head upwards with a contemplative look. "She was single, I was single, we were both back in Rosewood." Spencer looked Paige in the eye as she continued. "I'd come out as bi to the girls, you know – telling them about some of the women I dated in college." Paige nodded, eager for Spencer to continue. "Anyway, so, somehow, we got the great idea – we're both single, what's better than dating your best friend, blah blah blah. So, we went out to dinner. And it was just…" Spencer cringed, shaking her fists at the side of her face at the memory. "Just… awkward and… bad. We couldn't find anything to talk about, because it was supposed to be a date, not two friends getting together, so there were all these long pauses and awkward laughs. But we got past that. Got past the meal, took a walk through town, holding hands – but, no big deal, we'd held hands before, as friends. Anyway, I walked her to her door, and I'm thinking, 'Do I kiss her? Will she be upset if I do? Will she be upset if I don't?'"

"So, what did you do?" Paige was getting impatient.

"Well, she put her hands on my shoulders, and I leaned in, and…" Spencer made the weirdest face Paige had ever seen. "It was just… not happening. I mean, I couldn't get past the fact that it was Emily, not… I don't know… anyone in the universe who's not Emily. I guess it was the same for her." Spencer chuckled.

"Wow." Paige didn't know what to say. She didn't feel any closer to an answer about her chances with Emily than she'd been before.

"Anyway," Spencer continued dryly, "we made a pact that, if we're both single when we're in our 50s, we'll try again. Figured we'd get past the weirdness, by then." Spencer patted Paige's hand several times. "So, the clock's ticking. If you're planning to make a move, you'd better do it quickly!"

Bingo! That was just the opening Paige was looking for.

"You see, I still don't get why you think Emily and I would hit it off."

Spencer sighed impatiently. "You're the kind of woman she goes for. Intelligent, self-confident to the point of cockiness, but really cares about other people."

Paige chuckled. "You really know me well."

"Actually, I'm just describing myself – we're so much alike!"

Paige grinned. She picked up a coaster from the table and started twiddling it, like a fidget spinner. "Actually, Emily's seen the other side of me."

"What side?"

"You know. That side. The douchebag side. The asshole side. The side you don't show people until you're already in a relationship, when you're at the point where you can pass gas in front of them and not try to hide it."

"What do you mean douchebag?"

"She hasn't told you?" Spencer shook her head. "Well, the first time we met, our kids had gotten into a scuffle at school, so I was on the defensive. And the second time, I was at work, so I was already in a bad mood, and I was defensive, because I thought she was looking down on me for working as a receptionist." Paige snorted out a laugh. "Plus, I was upset at her for looking so hot and being unavailable."

Spencer smiled obligingly before she turned serious to respond. "Emily doesn't hold grudges. You guys get along now, don't you?"

"Kind of. I mean, we get along through our kids. But I don't think I can gain her trust so quickly. I get what you say about not holding grudges, but… It would just be hard for her to forget that first impression."

Spencer nodded. She was screaming inside, being in the middle of Paige and Emily and knowing both sides of the story, but being unable to say too much, since they had both made her promise not to say anything. She raised her coffee cup in a salute. "I'm sure you'll figure it out," she said cryptically.