Disclaimer: This song belongs to Evanescence. I don't own Teen Titans either.
Bring Me to Life
By Ellivia22
Chapter 10
Beast Boy
I leave my bedroom at 5:35 pm. My body is shaking, but not from pain this time, but nerves. It's time for me to say goodbye to the girl I love.
I repeat my goodbye over and over again in my head. I can't forget a single word. Raven, I think you are wonderful. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for everything and that I love you. Goodbye. Then I'll bolt out of the room as fast as I can. I don't think I'll be able to stand seeing her reaction.
Robin's voice breaks my concentration. "Do you know where Raven is?"
"I believe she is in the living room," Starfire chirps back.
I see Robin enter the hallway. I don't want to see him, or for him to see me. I can't take any more of his abuse. Quickly I turn into a rat, using all my strength. Ever since I became suicidal, I haven't been able to morph very well. I think it's because I've lost all my motivation and concentration. I scurry into a nearby mouse hole and wait for Robin to pass me. He enters the living room. I leave the mouse hole and turn back into myself. I hide behind the wall, my courage failing. Robin is talking to Raven. I listen to their conversation.
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
"Raven, are you sure you don't want to go to the carnival with Star, Cy, and I?" Robin asks.
"Isn't Beast Boy going with you guys?" Raven asks. My insides twist. I can tell she is still upset because of me.
"He said he didn't want to come."
I grit my teeth angirly. "He didn't even ask me," I mutter. "He must still think I'm a monster." Raven's hurt voice rings in my head over and over again like a broken record. I decide to spare her the interruption and go do it. I don't want to burden her anymore.
I turn and slowly walk back to my room. The door slides behind me. I lock it, then walk to the middle of my bare room. My hand shaking, I grab the gun from off the floor and press it against my head. This is it, I think to myself, closing my eyes. I feel surprisingly calm. This is the last time I'll draw breath. It will be the last time I cause trouble to my friends, and my love, Raven.
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
BANG!
I pull the trigger. I hit the ground, but instead of feeling pain in my head, however, I feel it in my back. I'm still breathing. What the hell? I open my eyes.
Raven is on top of me, a black shield over us. Her hood is off and I see the fright on her face. She must've tackled me when I pulled the trigger. I'm slightly happy to see her, and very angry at her for ruining my death. I was almost out. I was almost away from the pain, from this worthless body. She ruined everything.
Raven suspends the shield, but doesn't get off me. My heart is pounding hard in my chest because she's on top of me. I struggle against her strong grip. The gun is a few inches from my right hand. If only I could just reach it. "Get off me, Raven!" I snarl.
She glares at me. "Are you crazy?" I hear a window break. I can't take my eyes off her terrifed face. "Do you really think I'm going to let you go so you could kill yourself? Remember what you told me when Malchior betrayed me 'You think you're alone Raven, but you're not' you're not alone Beast Boy. Please, talk to me."
Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
I glare at her. She doesn't care about me, and why should she? I've hurt her too much. All she cares about is saving another life. That's her nature, after all. I can't live like this any longer. I've got to end it now. I turn into a rat and get out of her grip. I am about to reach the gun when it is suddenly moved out of my reach by black aura. I watch in horror as Raven takes the gun and empties it.
I have no idea what to do now. Raven succeeded in preventing me from killing myself. I know that if I try something else, she'll stop me again. Damnit! I was so close! With nothing left to do, I turn back into myself and bury my head in my knees. Sobs start escaping from my throat. I'm such a failure that I can't even kill myself right.
To my utmost surprise, I feel arms wrap around me tight. Shivers run up and down my spine just by Raven's touch. I thought she hated me. I wrap my arms around her skinny frame and hold on tight. "W-why won't you l-let me die?" I sob. Though she is holding me, I am far from feeling better.
She ignores my question. "Why did you just try to take your life?" she asks softly.
She rubs my back softly. I don't answer. I don't think I have the strength to talk at the moment. Instead I raise my hand and point to my desk where I have a piece of paper describing my feelings.
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
I continue to sob into her shoulder as she reads my note. She hugs me tightly. I feel my collar becoming wet. She must be crying too. After a moment, she speaks. "Beast Boy, you took the antidote, remember?"
I laugh bitterly. "Yeah tell the others that."
"What are you talking about? They care about you. I care about you."
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Free me tonight
I am somewhat relieved. Hearing her say that she cares seems more believable now than before. I guess it's because she's holding me. My mouth opens, and I start to talk. I tell her everything: how the team treats me, how guilty I feel for all the trouble I've caused. I want to apologize for being such a jerk to her, but I can't find the words. Instead, I fall silent, and continue to let out my emotions.
A painful silence passes between us. I don't know what to say now. I want to tell her I love her, but I'm afraid that she'll leave me. I need her so badly right now.
Frozen inside without you touch without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
"What else?" Raven asks suddenly.
I pull away from her slightly, trying to put a look of confusion on my face. "What do you mean, 'what else'?"
She gives me a penetrating stare with her knowing violet eyes. "I know that's not the only reason you want to die. I've been trying to talk to you, but you keep shutting me out, and it really hurts. Please tell me why. Let me be here for you."
All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
I sigh. Now that I am starting to feel better, I am able to really understand how much I've hurt her. I decide to tell her the whole truth. I owe it to her. I lower my head in shame, my eyes closed, and comply. "The team told me they found me in Beast form, you in my teeth. I told them I'd never hurt you, ever, but they didn't believe me. They still think I'm going to hurt you and they may be right. Who knows if the Beast is going to take over again? I didn't want to take the chance for something like that to happen again. I can't live with the guilt of knowing that I hurt the girl I love above all things. I deserve to die." I finish sadly.
"Y-you love me?" Raven whispers.
I nod sadly. I might as well tell her the truth, since she's bound to start hating me again anyway. "I always have, and I know I always will."
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can't wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can't wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I've become
Suddenly I feel her hand on my chin, forcing me to look into her beautiful indigo eyes. Her face is stained with tears. "Beast Boy," she says in a croaky voice. "Do you know how much hurt you would've caused me if I didn't walk in today." My eyes lower again. "Especially since I know how you feel."
"Why so you can kill me and-." I'm stopped in mid-sentence when Raven presses her lips against mine.
All of a sudden I feel warmth spread through me from head to toe. I've forgotten everything: the pain, the guilt, my teammates. All the matters is that Raven is holding me, her lips against mine. She tastes so sweet, like cherries. I kiss her back with all the love I've had for so long.
We break apart slowly. I feel dazed. "I love you, Gar," she whispers. I am so happy that she loves me, that I don't notice her calling me by my real name. I think I can make it through the day.
I clutch on to her tightly. "Please stay with me."
"I wouldn't leave even if you ask me to," she whispers back. I smile the first smile in what feels like forever.
We kiss gain. I feel happier than I've felt in days. True I still have the pain from what my friends think of me, but I do have Raven. As long as I have her, I know I'll be okay.
Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie)
(There's nothing inside)
Bring me to life
The End