Chapter Song - Ashamed by Jamestown Story

' Do you know what it's like, not to know what is wrong or what's right? I've been throwing away, the efforts I've made, to leave this all behind. '

. . . . . . . . . .

Sybil would never be able to explain to herself what had happened between her and Tom in that embrace. Not in the moment it occured or even the morning after, during the few minutes she had to herself to think as she lay with Tom's heavy arm around her waist, his slow breathing in her hair as he slept on, her hand reaching behind to touch his face, their naked legs still tangled from the night before. All she knew, was that something had happened, something neither of them had counted on or been able to control, well, she definitely hadn't anyway. And even if she had been able to, she wasn't sure she would have done things any differently, no matter how wrong, how dangerous, how emotionally unveiling it had been...

But she didn't know now, locked in the embrace of Tom's past confession and her own, that she would feel this way tomorrow morning. Tightening her hold around his waist, gripping so tightly she knew it probably hurt, she tried to tell herself to let go, to accept his apology for beating Laurent, and that he had taken her own for calling him nothing and walk away. But her usually focused, collected mind seemed to be hazy, failing her, and Tom only allowed it to slip further in pulling her closer with the arm around her back, stroking his other palm through her hair, pressing his warm lips to her forehead, mumbling a goodbye to her with no real effort.

His strong hold on her revealed to her how weak, exhausted and drained she was, for in his arms she felt better, though honestly she hadn't known there was anything wrong to begin with. But having him hold her, she realised she was tired of calculating everything between them and felt as though the wall she had so desperately tried to keep up between them had crumbled to dust. The tumbled fragments of this wall dancing across her mind were perhaps the reason that when she finally broke her hold on him, it was only to lean back to look into his eyes.

She had always noticed the wonderful colour of his ice chip irises, but she had never fully appreciated how he was able to turn such a cold blue into the warmest of gazes, until now that was. It was odd, but it was as though they saw her, properly, saw who she was, saw Sybil. When her stomach swooshed with this thought, she ran her hands across his body as she moved them from his waist to cup his neck, stroking her thumbs softly over his pulse point. She marvelled at how it seemed to be rushing at such a rate while his breathing still seemed perfectly steady. A talent aquired when committing burglaries maybe? Hiding from police? Stalking a target?

Then her heart clenched, she had never felt this way before. Saying that in her head sounded odd, dramatic even, like a quote from a film, but it was true, she couldn't deny it; she needed him. Yet her need didn't mean she couldn't evaluate the effect this would have on both of them. It would be wrong, so, completely wrong. Any kiss they had ever shared had torn the borders, any touch given had come at a cost of guilt and disloyalty, but this, this would smash the barriers down like they never had before.

Urgh, she was sick of this, of herself. Why did she have to over think everything? Maybe this- this was necessary to finally close things between them. And who would have to know? She trusted him didn't she? And right now she wanted Tom to kiss her so badly it was hurting, hurting, and here she was worrying about even more pain than she was now suffering in simply waiting for him to show her he wanted her too. He'd certainly never had a problem before, but maybe he, like her, was considering what could, what was, going to happen tonight and did not know how to begin.

So, she leant forward and brushed quaking lips against a stubbled jaw, noticing with a swirl in her gut that Tom closed his eyes as she did so. She kissed his face again, lingering slightly longer than before and bringing one hand from his neck to press her fingertips into the opposite cheek, creating four pools of shadow on his face. His next move was unexpected and entirely overpowering. As she kissed his jaw, closer to his ear this time, he ran the hand from her hair down her arm and pulled away the fingers on his cheek, kissing them tenderly, one by one, before ending with a final stroke of his tongue to her palm.

Needless to say she was slightly breathless when he finished and moved both his hot hands to her thighs, gathered up the silk of her slip, his thumbs searching her burning, smooth skin, and placed a firm hold on her hips. In the second they found her warm, toned waist she lowered another kiss to his neck, her lips firm on his searing skin. She smiled, still pressed to his thumping pulse when she felt him inhale a deep breath, clearly attempting to keep pointlessly calm. Pointlessly because with her next kiss she opened her mouth against his neck, running her tounge over his skin, sucking hard enough, she knew, to leave a small red mark and she felt his knees jut out briefly as he struggled to stand.

She hadn't really noticed her eyes had fluttered shut until she opened them and found herself facing a dark stream of lurid black ink, etched violently into an SS mark. The sight of one these tattoo's usually set her blood boiling with hate, now the sight created a calm in her; if she could come this close to the utter proof of who Tom was and not want to leave, then surely, surely, she was making the right decision.

Tracing the design with her tongue then licking his neck with another eager dragging kiss, she tried to ignore his hands running higher and higher above her waist beneath her dress, thumbs brushing the underside of her breasts, so that she could stay focused. She pulled away and ran one hand down to his chest, the other still against his neck where she pressed, with purpose, her swirled LL tattoo to his own stamped SS. She wasn't sure how long she had been staring at the joining of the two inked designs, but it must have been long enough for Tom to notice her sudden stillness in his arms.

He broke the silence, but not the moment, with a low whisper, his fingers digging into her prickled body. "You know-" He kissed her temple with a feather light brush that made her entire body tighten with expectancy. "-you can have them removed nowadays."

"But-" She mouthed the small dip where his neck met his chest, a scent of natural sweat and the caramelised aroma of cannabis on his skin. "-they're permanant-" All eight of her fingers were now in his hair, her small nails gently tugging at his scalp, her thumbs stroking the tips of his ears. "-aren't they?"

She groaned faintly as he ran a palm between her legs, pushing upwards against her slightly. The touch was so soft that she was sure she wouldn't have known it had a tingle of utter pleasure not just swept through her veins. "Na, they can be erased for good."

"Can't be easy though." Was all she could manage in reply as she pressed her full body against his, tightening her hold of his hair whilst letting out the slightest choke of relief that the line had been crossed as he nimbly moved aside her underwear and slid a finger inside of her, moving torturously slow.

"Yeah, it's tricky." He had her against the boudoir wall now, insistent lips at her throat, a warm tongue making small designs on her neck, a trembling palm slipping into her corset, continued intimate touching making her pant with desire. "Takes time." Her hips were moving instinctively against his fingers, for there were two now, as they curled within her and she was sure her legs would give way at any moment, the sensation weakening. "But- if it's what you want, then it must be worth it for- for the end result right?"

"I-" She could barely breathe, her only goal being to pull him closer, aching for his full body against her own as she dragged cupped hands beneath his collar, her eyes rolling a little. "I guess, but what if you- Tom- regret getting rid of it?"

"Well-" A rough gasp replaced whichever word he had intended to continue with.

Pleased she was now not the only one entirely breathless from lust, Sybil slipped a hand into Tom's trousers, taking hold of the erection she had felt hard against her since she had first smoothed her tongue along his neck and began moving her hand up and down just that bit too slow, treating him to a taste of the sweet torture he was giving her. "Mmm?"

"Jesus." He withrew his hands from between her legs and from within her chemise to splay both palms against the wall, pressing his forehead on her own as she quickened her rhythmic rubs of his rigid length, his eyes tight shut. "Well- I suppose you- fuck- get it back. But would you want it? Really? After what you- Syb- went through to leave it behind?"

They were falling onto the bed now, Tom having swept her into a straddling hold before lowering her to the fur duvet, his shoes thudding to the floor. Sybil's hands tore open his belt with a heavy clink, shivering as his palms smoothed down the soft expanse of her thighs, hitching them up either side of his waist. She then began twiddling open his shirt buttons, desperately fast so as to spread her palms on his solid chest, and murmured a response. "You can't know unless- unless you-"

"Go for it? I quite agree." The glint in his eye at these final words brought a surge of yearning to the back of her throat; a painful, throbbing ache.

And as if he had felt it too, he finally, finally, met her lips with his own. She craved a full, deep, urgent kiss, but Tom simply gave light continuous brushes as he slipped off her underwear with one had, sliding a finger inside of her once again with the other, the frantic friction maddening.

She thought she would scream if he didn't move inside of her fully soon. She had never had a man hold so much power over her before; it was thrilling, erotic and furiously frustrating. So when Tom finally withdrew from her again, his wet fingers caressing her inner thigh, she wasted no time in ripping off his shirt, tugging away his trousers and boxers while his teeth grazed various spots of her bristling skin. She then felt a surge of satisfaction at having manged to strip him naked so quickly.

So caught up in the toned body of muscles she had revealed, scratching her nails gently across his tight abs, Sybil barely noticed Tom loosening her ribbon corset, and gently easing the silk from her body. In fact, she only realised her sudden naked state as the moment the chemise was torn from beneath her and flung across the room his mouth came down swiftly to one of her exposed breasts, sending chills up and down her bowed spine with each careful drag of his tongue while the rest of his body ground against her.

This wasn't funny anymore. "Tom ple- Tom just- Oh Tom."

One hand fisted in his hair, the other in a bundle of sheets, Sybil wrapped her pale, trembling legs around Tom's waist as he eased inside of her, her body entirely under his power. Over and over he pushed, harder each time. He made a rumbling growl at the back of his throat with each electrifying thrust and she was swiftly gliding her tongue into his mouth, moaning herself at his luxurious, longed for response.

Their kissing was messy and passionate; tounges over lips, lips finding skin, and every now and then she would have to pull away entirely as she lost her head a little, the heat and bliss of his deep gyrating rendering her mindless. Tom wouldn't allow their kiss to break for long however, reclaiming her mouth with a tug of her tangled hair the moment he was able to catch a seconds breath, and she felt so wanted, so desired because of this that she kissed back that much harder, slipping to taste the spot on his neck she knew drove men wild.

"Oh God Syb-."

Delirious. That was simply the only way to describe her state of mind. There was nothing, nothing else but Tom; his damp body, his ruffled hair, his soft tongue, his... He was so good and she was sure he knew it, for every time she made the slightest whimper as his clever hands massaged her breasts or impulsive jerk beneath him as he ran his rough thumbs over their pink tips, his persistent lips would curve into the shadow of a smirk against her own. But even through her delirious haze of pleasure and magnifying intensity, Sybil was able to scratch up the firm, rippling muscles on his back as he rocked and rolled sensually within her, coming to rest with her nails digging into his shoulders from behind, pulling him so close as she arched her back that she could barely breathe.

"Yes Tom, y-Tom-"

After however long she didn't know, and though she guessed it had been a while it just wasn't long enough, she wanted more, more, but she felt her body tighten, begin to quiver and tremble with each lift of her hips and forceful push of Tom's. Everything was suddenly harder and urgent, her eyes were flickering, he was grunting, she was gasping, faster and closer, her hand reached out blindly for the headboard, his own dragged down her stomach, catching on her belly bar, between them with seeking fingers, there came a rough demand for her eyes, dark blue met icy- Then she was gone, completely, utterly, entirely gone.

Letting go with what she knew to be a cry of his name, as she could feel the vibration of her shout on the back of her throat, she let her head loll roughly back against the mattress. The coil of ecstasy within her unravelled so violently that each limb felt shocked with pleasure. And as she came down from this white lit high, she felt a tell tale nudge of pressure, heard a groaned, heady version of her name against her throat and it wasn't long before Tom came down like her, on her, breathless and gulping, before rolling onto his back beside her into the ocean of velvet.

A minute passed in harsh breathlessness before Sybil felt a creeping, gentle weight down her arm and then her fingers were entwined with Tom's.

o o o

Tom gave her hand a squeeze, hoping that for now, in the few moments of shock and satisfaction preventing him from speech, that this would fill in the words he wanted to say. He could say them in his head perfectly though, That was something else, Stay with me, I lov-, no, surely that one was just the classic knee-jerk reaction?

He couldn't believe what had just happened. In fact, if it wasn't for a few stray strands of Sybil's hair tickling his neck, the soft weight of her leg against his, or the warmth of her hand he was certain he would have convinced himself that he had just woken from the best dream in his life.

It had been the way she had looked at him that had brought this on, he had never seen her look like that. As she had pulled away from his hold, gazing into his eyes so intently, he had known then, that she needed him, actually needed him. And who was he to let her down? He gave a small chuckle at this thought, why was he trying to act the player, he had been absolute putty in her hands.

His breathing had returned now, his pulse still heightened, but not at the high level it had been, so cautiously, because he was scared of her reaction, he turned to face her. Stunned, he was stunned to find she was already looking at him, and he wondered how long for. He tried to gauge her reaction, tried to find the look of dismay in her eyes at her actions. Instead he found a blank canvas, wide eyes, closed lips and he decided to change them for the better, he wouldn't allow her to think of disloyalty right now.

He reached out blindly for the fur duvet he knew to be someone on the bed, and finding it, he rolled over, hovering above her on his elbows, and dragged the material over his back, exhaling as his sweat cooled skin touched her own. Scarcely believing he was able to, Tom pressed his lips to hers, trembling a little at the memories of a few minutes ago this contact brought. He continued kissing her lightly, quick smudging of lips, until he felt her arms twine around his neck, the glorious pressure of her breasts on his chest, then he slid his tounge against her own. They kissed slowly for a while, her silky tounge running along his just as soft inner lip, and Tom felt his heart literally stop when her lips curled into a smile against his own.

She pulled away, twisting what Tom was pleased to see, a still smiling pout. "Tom?"

"Mmm?" Was all he could manage, as he remembered with a jolt that she last spoke his name to ask him- beg him to- His murmured response clearly hadn't satisfied her as she did not continue. And he meant to hint her along, he really did, but his eyes had just raked down her body and he found himself running his lips along her collar bone, lower to the side of her full, perfect breast.

"Tom?" Her voice was a little raspy from his delicate caresses to her body and he could not help placing an open mouth kiss to her top rib to excite her further. "I killed a man."

He squeezed his eyes tight shut for the fraction of a second; he knew what was coming. And he wasn't surprised, really, that her vulnerability was at an all time high in the situation they were in. And he wanted her to know, that whatever she was about to confess, or tell, or reveal would be listened to, properly, and not just because they had just had sex, incredible sex, or because he wanted information for his side, but simply because he cared, really cared. So, he stopped his light exploration of her body and returned to locking her eyes with his own. "Go on."

"I know that it doesn't- it doesn't seem surprising for someone like us- I mean, well we all kill don't we? It's what we do? But I-" She took a deep breath and squirmed beneath him, leaning against him with one side of her body in what he took as a hint that she wanted to lay on top of him.

He complied instantly, laying back on the mattress, pulling her across his bare chest and tilting her chin so she looked directly down at him. "Don't stop."

The veil of her dark hair fell either side of his face as she continued."I get panic attacks because- I killed someone. And I don't, I don't think I regret killing him because- because he would have killed me first if he had the chance, it's just-"

Five minutes passed in which Tom simply let Sybil gaze down at him, focusing with misty eyes on his eyebrows as she ran her thumbs over them again and again. He could have laid like that all night, but he knew that he needed to get her talking again, that helping to get this dark secret off her chest would do her good. "Sybil?"

Her name was all it took. "It's just I didn't think I was capable of doing something like that. I'd hurt people, badly, before, but I don't think I ever realised what it meant to take someones life, to see it fade from their- their eyes because I wanted it to... And since that night I've- I've replayed the moment I pulled the trigger so many times in my head I'm not even sure what really happened anymore."

He could tell, just by her sudden silence that she had said all she was going to say. Her pain was written all over her face and if he looked close enough into her dark eyes he was sure that he would be able to see the ghostly image of the night she spoke of as though he had been there himself. "I won't say too much, but I know bad people Sybil. Really bad people. In fact, I'm sure between us we know more bad people than Strangeways. And because I know really bad people, I know you aren't one of them. I don't know the details of what happened- No, you don't have to tell me- but I'd bet my life that you had no choice but to do what you did."

His stomach felt a dip as she gave a slight nod. "Have you..?"

"Yes, yes I have. Two people. Both times were gang beatings though, so I can't be sure I struck the killing blow, but I know I helped." He cringed a little as he finished speaking. His tone had been harsh and he wasn't sure if it had been the right confession for him to make in the circumstances. And he felt an odd blush of embarrassment on his cheeks; here he was without a care in the world that he may have taken two lives, yet Sybil couldn't handle a murder of self defence.

His worry had been unnecessary however as Sybil dragged her body fully on top of his, pushing her nose against his, whispering so quietly it came out as a breath."You're not a bad person either Tom."

And then they were kissing again, her hands in his hair and his own running down the shadowed dip of her spine. When his palms came to a rest at the small curve at the top of her thighs, he couldn't help but turn her over, it was something in his subconscious to do with showing her he could be the man, the protecter, strange.

After a little while her fingertips came up to their joint mouths, pushing against his chin lightly and he pulled away just so the slightest sliver of their lips still touched. "Make me smile Tom. Tell me something funny. I don't want to fall asleep with, well with what just talked about- Make me smile."

Fall alseep? She wanted to sleep next to him? In bed with him? Well, that was his smile sorted. "Hmm, well there are various ways I could go about this."

Already he saw the ghost of a grin on her face. "Is that so?"

"Yup, I could take the old story approach and tell you about the time back in Ireland when I had to have the fire brigade cut me out of the metal railings my head was stuck in-"

He had to pause for her giggles and could not help but notice how her moving form beneath him started to stir a natural burn within him. She brought a palm up to her now pushed together lips, mumbling through. "You must have been so scared! What were you? Three? Four?"

"Try twenty-three and a night on the town." He couldn't help but laugh himself this time, and if he hadn't been nuzzling her neck he would have noticed that it was his own laugh that had set the smile on her face.

"Another approach?"

"Ahh now this one is my weakest one. I was going to try a joke. But I can't think of a single one, and in all honesty do jokes ever really make people laugh?" He kissed her. "Oh actually, have you heard the one about the gangster that walked into the brothel?" He curved an eyebrow at her which, God he felt like a such a crushing schoolboy, made her lips do the the same.

"Shut up! But you're probably right. And there's another?" Her eyes widened a little with curiosity.

How was he going to get out of this one without making an absolute fool of himself? "Well, you see, there's little point in me telling you the third, because from what I can see, you're smiling already." So she puts on a pout? Great. "Fine. The third, well the third is the compliment technique. I tell you that-" Fucking hell, just do it. "- that you are, without doubt, the most beautiful, special, perfect woman I have ever met, and no matter what we might think- or feel tomorrow- I won't regret tonight because- because it was probably one of the best of my life." She didn't respond. "That's it. I'm, umm, I'm all out of techniques."

He couldn't look at her, not anymore, not now he had just said that. He had meant it all, of course, he just couldn't bare with her big, dark, agonisingly unreadable eyes sweeping over each detail of his face. So, slowly, he moved from his position above her and lay beside her for a moment, thinking it was odd that she hadn't yet left the bed. But then she turned, and he clenched his eyes closed for the moment the loss of the pressure of her weight would bounce the matress. It didn't. Instead, she had turned, not to the side where she could slip out, but toward his, where she reached out a hand, and dragged his arm over her waist. He gulped as she pulled her against him, spooning her full body, pushing his face, which Sybil had now reached behind to stroke, into her dark pool of hair.

"Sweet dreams." His hope for her.

"I promise." Her assurance his wish would be so.

o o o

It was barely a few hours later, after the moon had dissolved and the sun risen, not that it made any difference in the boudoir, when Tom woke with red tinged, fluttering eyelids. He knew straight away he was alone, well, in the bed anyway, for he could hear Sybil stepping about the room. Very slowly, he opened his eyes slightly to look upon the now dressed beauty fastening her corset. And as he looked her up and down, imagining all that lay beneath her clothing with no need for false images, he chose not to make his awoken state known to her. Why? Because he had suddenly realised, with a sickening thud in his gut, that he had lied to her. He had told her he wouldn't regret last night, but he did, he really did. Because now, watching her elegant form trip about the room, she was suddenly capable of taking care of herself, she wasn't the same person in need of his comfort as she had been in his arms last night. They had gone to bed as Sybil and Tom, but had awoken as Lady and Servant. And when she reached out for the door, clinging tightly to the handle, he knew she felt regret also. The thought made him so sad all of a sudden he almost called out for her, but then-

"I couldn't stop." Her voice shook.

He opened his eyes wide and edged onto his elbows. "Me neither."

The pause was only three seconds long, but it felt a life time. "But now we have to."

"I know-" His swallow was so tense it could be heard. "-but I wish we didn't."

When she turned to look at him it was like the rest of the universe fell away. Who was he kidding? He didn't regret what they had done, he regretted what they were. "In another life, huh?"

He could only nod in reply; there were no words to answer such a question as that.

She turned and stepped out the door then, into the real world, before firmly closing it on theirs.

Please, Allen Leech-naked-in bed, Review ^^

As I write this, it is the evening I revealed the last chapter. Yep, I've been working on this one for weeks! And I hope...hehehe...you liked it.
The song for this chapter is a favourite of mine, so give it a listen =)
Oh and by next Monday could I have 100 reviews? I like being spoiled! Pretty please?