Chapter 10: Improving Social Health
One mild Saturday in early November 2017, I met my childhood friends Sarah, James, and Henri at their apartment in Oakland. "Hi, guys!" I greeted my friends. "Hi, Angel!" Sarah greeted back. "Are you guys making anything for lunch tonight?" I asked. "No, we're not," James told me. "What would you like?" "I don't know," I replied. "How about lasagna?" "Sure," James replied. "I can make that." "Mmm, lasagna sounds yummy!" Henri exclaimed. "I've noticed you have been getting so polite when you communicate lately, Angel," Sarah told me. "I guess you guys have taught me a lot about proper communication skills," I told everyone. "Communication is very important at all stages in our life, even the times when I had to take care of Angel on her birthday and I was saying good-bye to one of my best friends, Alexander at high school graduation," James told us. "I think that communication is important because it involves talking to people," Henri chimed in. "Those two examples from my childhood were important because they involved reciprocity also known as two-way communication or unilateral communication and also maintaining relationships or planning outings," James added. "Uh-huh, because you supported me on my birthday and Sarah and I supported you on your high school graduation," I agreed. "I have always communicated with my professionals and teachers and communication also helps me understand people better," Sarah told me. "Good point, Sarah," I agreed with my friend. "I think that communication is important because it allows us to express our needs and desires, helps us maintain our relationships with our family and peers, allows us to interact with others in society in many settings like stores, restaurants, museums, and parks, gives us a social connection, and keeps us from being lonely," I added. "Now, I would also like to talk with you guys about nonverbal communication. What exactly is it?" "Nonverbal communication is communication without words, and it also involves using social media instead of face-to-face communication," Henri told me. "It is a form of communication that relies on visual cues to convey messages," James added. "Some elements it encompasses include social cues, eye contact, facial expression, body posture, and even hand gestures, which can be used to understand context and make inferences," Sarah informed me. "Good," I agreed. "Now, why is nonverbal communication important? I can tell you that it helps me understand what others are saying, limits communication barriers, and avoids being misinterpreted." "Nonverbal communication conveys important signals that are useful to understand what is said, how they feel, and questions you might ask," Sarah added. "It can show interest," Henri chimed in. "Right," James agreed with Henri. "Nonverbal communication can show whether the other person is engaged or interested in the conversation." "Okay," I agreed with my friends. "Now, social cues are important because they are signals that help guide conversation. Why else are social cues important?" "They can be verbal or nonverbal," Henri stated. "Some social cues are indirect, whereas others are indirect and more subtle," James added. "It can also relate to social appropriateness," Sarah pointed out, "for instance, certain settings narrow down behaviors and topics that are acceptable for that setting, like that you can't be loud in a library," Sarah pointed out. "At your birthday party, when you were eating your ice cream cake, I said 'That sure looked good' as you were eating, it might have signaled that I wanted you to share with me," James told me. "Or maybe, phrases that initiate conversations, like 'How's it going?' or 'How are you?' people usually want a short response," Henri told me. "When I looked at my watch and said 'It was getting late', at James's high school graduation, it could have signaled that I wanted to end the conversation," Sarah told me. "I think you were just getting bored with the graduation ceremony and wanted to leave," I pointed out. "Also, not giving eye contact might signal boredom and hint to change the topic." I paused for a second. "Another important element that ties into this category is eye contact, and why is it important?" "It is a skill utilized in most cultures during social interactions," Henri told me. "It shows some level of interest in the conversation or interaction," Sarah added, "but remember that making too much eye contact is viewed negatively in most cultures, and it can make others feel uncomfortable, like how it is important to avoid staring or stare-downs." "Eye contact can also be used to acknowledge someone, like as a greeting sometimes," James added. "It also shows respect to the other person, and a good example is an authority figure, parent, older adult, or teacher, asking for eye contact when they speak, which denotes that you are paying attention to them," I informed everyone. "To get around discomfort with eye contact, you could look at something directly behind the person," James told me. "Or, at the person's forehead," Henri chimed in. "You could also make brief glances, as the duration can be gradually increased," Sarah pointed out. "I could also practice with my family members and peers," I told my friends. "What about reading emotions?" "Someone's eyes and body can be used to communicate emotions and feelings," James stated, "like how sometimes a person might keep their eyes downward and head lowered when they are sad or disappointed." "Just because someone is crying does not mean they are sad," Sarah told me, "but it can also be happy, joyful, frustrated, or even in physical pain." "It can sometimes be difficult to read emotional expressions, since there are many different options," Henri chimed in. "Additionally, the facial expression one person makes might not look the same as someone else." "How do you guys improve your emotional recognition?" I asked. "I have a family member take pictures of themselves making various emotional expressions, which I would print and have them label the emotions on the back so it is hidden. This would allow me to practice reading expressions that I have trouble recognizing in free time, while making it into a fun exercise," Sarah told me. "There are computer and video games made specifically for improving facial expression identification," Henri added. "There are also phone and iPad apps related to reading emotions, although many are created for a younger audience, but still used by teens and adults," James pointed out. "Good," I praised my friends. "Now, why is reading body language important?" "It helps me to interact appropriately with others," Henri told me. "Body language is another element that can help you understand a number of things, including emotion," James added. "Body language has the ability to express more than words, and can also help you put things into context and make inferences," Sarah pointed out. "Reading people's body language is important for communication," I informed my friends. "Like if somebody says one thing, but expresses the opposite with their expression, tone of voice, and body stance, like how I did driving you around Natrona Heights on your birthday," James told me. "Someone with a clenched fist might be expressing anger or anxiety but alternatively, it might be an expression of solidarity, like when our group raises our fists," I added. "Crossed arms might signal resistance," Henri chimed in. "Some people also hold the belief that if you have trouble making eye contact, you might be lying to them, and it is a common tactic parents use with children," Sarah added. "I must admit that I had trouble making eye contact with James when he graduated high school, because it would be the last time I saw him for a long time." "How would you guys help me read body language?" I asked. "You could look for context, like the environment, what is being discussed, and emotional expressions," James suggested. "After factoring in these things, you can use your judgment to better make sense of their body language." "But, if you are unsure, you can ask, but make sure you are polite and respectful to limit being misinterpreted," Sarah suggested, "for instance, maybe you notice someone else fidgeting with their jacket as you speak to them, and you might say something along the lines of 'I notice you are fidgeting around a lot as we are talking. Is something bothering you?' But, if they would say no, you can switch topics to avoid causing discomfort or tension." "Again, I would practice with my family members and peers," Henri reiterated. "Nice job, guys," I praised my friends, "but I would also keep in mind that it is OK to not understand everything, and more subtle body language can be harder to pick up on. Additionally, many people have trouble reading body language." I finished my lasagna. "Mmm, that was really good," I stated. "You must have sounded like you loved the lasagna," James told me. "That's right, James," I agreed with him, "because it was turkey sausage and spinach lasagna, which is the best lasagna!" "And, it is healthier for you, too," Sarah pointed out. Later that day, we did a practice exercise at Tessaro's in Bloomfield with Emily and her younger siblings Kerry, Caden, Allison, and Tony. Sarah got paired up with Kerry, James got paired up with Caden, I got paired up with Allison, and Henri got paired up with Tony. Sarah talked with Kerry about what it is like to have older siblings graduate from high school, James talked with Caden about how he would throw a surprise party for his younger siblings or best friends, Henri talked with Tony about popular toys for young boys, and I talked with Allison about this past summer and how she enjoyed day camp. I also told Allison how I liked playing board games at my mom's apartment just before meeting Emily on May 13, visiting the comic book store and Milkshake Factory in the South Side on May 20, going to Trivia Night at Hough's on May 27, seeing Hippo Campus at the Three Rivers Arts Festival on June 3, playing disc golf at Schenley Park on June 10, celebrating James's birthday at the 24 in 24 Gallery on June 15, touring the Pittsburgh Glass Center on June 24, touring Mt. Washington and riding the Incline on July 1, seeing Spider-Man Homecoming at the Waterfront on July 8, and finally, the mid-summer party and improvisation at the Mistles' house on July 15, where James and Michael also took portraits of me, Sarah, Henri, Emily, and Erin. I even showed her a video on Instagram of me, Sarah, James, Henri, Emily, Michael, and Erin doing the Improvisation by spinning around and having fun. "Wow, you must have had a lot of fun that day," Allison told me. "I wish I could have fun like that!" "Didn't you have fun at summer camp, though?" I asked. "Yes, but you, Emily, Michael, and Erin seem to have a lot more fun, and your other friends seem to have more fun, too." "You're only 7 though, Allison," I pointed out. I also told her about the outings that the 4 of us did with Carly Shay and her parents, including breakfast at the Original Pancake House on July 22, exercising at Muv Integrated Physical Center and having lunch at Primanti Bros. on July 29, bowling and playing arcade games at Zone 28 on August 10, visiting the National Aviary on August 12, and going to the Pirates Game on August 19, as well as the outings that the 4 of us did with Alex Russo and her guy friends, including seeing Wonder Woman at Loew's Waterfront Theater on July 23, eating dinner at Roland's Seafood Grill on July 30, going to Sandcastle Water Park on August 11, having a discussion group and Chinese food in Squirrel Hill on August 13, and going to Kennywood Park on August 20. Allison also told me about swimming, hiking, sports, arts and crafts, music, and theater at summer camp. Sarah, James, and Henri also tried different condiments that Emily's siblings liked, like hummus, barbecue sauce, and tapenade. It was time for all of us to go home. "Thanks for a great day, everyone!" I thanked my friends. "You're welcome, Angel," Sarah replied. "Bye, guys!" "Bye!"