Rating: this one is NC-17
Beta: None for this chapter, it was written last night. Sorry.
Summary: If your life is based on observing and creating personas, what does that make you? Who are you?
A/N: Truth to be told, this is my fav chapter so far. We got some in-depth character study (which was really hard for me who studies sciences instead of psychology sorry if I made some mistakes), a little bit of angst and some PORN (I think Kanda overheard the conversation of Lavi topping because the writer prefers it that way, and decided to show that he can dominate as well). What more can you ask for?
So, hope you like, don't be shy to drop a comment!
The 10th night: Who are you?
"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."
Unknown
"I still don't understand." The kid makes a face, indicating that he wants further explanation, in words his nine year old self is be able to understand.
Lavi sighs at that, fighting back a groan and urge to call the kid stupid and brush off the question by saying that he's too young to understand, but given the nature of the newest member of Exorcist family – immature, childish, hate towards studying in general – he just knows it won't work.
Lavi's hand runs through wild red locks as he tries to put a complicated matter – something that even psychologists wonder how to define – into a few, simple words. Easier said than done, really.
"Okay, okay." He pauses for a moment, thinking. How did he end up in this mess in the first place? He was happily passing by, then Lenalee called him, asking to explain something to Timothy and after Lavi got started, the girl excused herself because of some big mess Komui had made.
So it's just another day in Black Order really, Komui messing something up and Lenalee trying to put a stop to it, but explaining stuff to a kid is something no one isn't used to, and given the pain of the situation, Lavi thinks before trying again. "Identity is your own sense of self, it's who think you are. You are Timothy and you have a huge jewel in your head, and you think you're awesome. As for personality", he drops to one knee and tries seeing kid eye to eye, "it's the way you think, feel and act. For example, Allen is quite self-sacrificing."
Lavi can see and hear the wheels turning inside Timothy's head as he was processing the words, trying to look smart during this but failing miserably, making the red-head's lips twitch as he tries his best not to laugh.
"Maaaaaw!" the kid groans out after less than a minute, staring the older boy with a disappointed look on his face. "I don't get it."
Lavi just flashes a grin, ruffling the kid's blue mullet hair. "You will." Not in the near future though.
It's later at the same day that Timothy comes to Lavi, tugging his shirt, rudely pulling the older boy away from others, wanting to "finish the conversation they had before" – really, who did he heard those words from? But Lavi doesn't mind, and the others don't either, they're rather fond of the new family member, there hasn't been a kid in the Order since Kanda and Lenalee grew up.
"So", Timothy starts when they are away from the crowd and Lavi is sitting with the kid, looking him in the eye, "I think I got what you meant. My identity is that I think I'm awesome and I like girls, but my personality is that I'm sometimes a bit crybaby but a good boy." A pause, the kid is beaming with pride and Lavi gives him a grin and a few encouraging words – he is a bit surprised, apparently Timothy can learn things when he really wants to – but waits for the punch line, the reason why the kid wanted to talk just with him.
"I get Allen, Lenalee and Kanda and others too, but…" he pauses, looking at his roller-blades as he swings his legs. "…I don't think I got you."
Before Lavi can comment that knowing someone else's identity isn't really that easy or ask what he means by not getting, the kid is on it again. "Lenalee told me that you're going to be a Bookman and Lavi is just your current persona." He pauses for a second, then looking at Lavi with his big eyes. "Does that mean that Lavi is your personality and Bookman your identity?"
"Yeah", Lavi answers, because that's basically it, even though in reality it's more complicated, but Timothy doesn't need to know that, he just needs and wants the basics down. When he looks into this child's big, honest eyes and curious, focused expression, Lavi suddenly has a feeling that he really doesn't want to have this conversation.
"Okay." Timothy beams again, ridiculously happy that he understood something again, that he's smart. "But…" the kid quiets down again, again trying to focus hard and understand. "…what does it mean?"
Being a nine year old child, Timothy doesn't understand the real question he's asking, something that only few people in Order have even given a thought to – they're so used to happy-going, cheerful Lavi – who is he really? Who is Bookman Junior?
"What's wrong?"
"Huh?" A confused gaze of a redhead snaps to the swordsman from the paper he has been writing, mouth stupidly open, mind in confused state – not only because he was just trying his best to write a report to Bookman, trying his best to make it good enough not to be turned back to him to redo, but also because Kanda actually asks him something that doesn't include insult or fucking.
Kanda rises up from the floor and lays Mugen resting against the wall as he explains himself to the idiot. "You're not yourself."
Lavi gapes his mouth open for a moment, staring at Kanda – the person who can read no one, someone who simply doesn't understand or care about anyone in general – who was able to figure out something was off by simply seeing each other briefly during the day and now just hanging together – Lavi trying to finish the damn report and Kanda polishing Mugen – for an hour or so?
For a while, Lavi contemplates about brushing the whole topic off, telling the other that he's fine, which would work since Kanda isn't type to pry, but then again, why should he? A sigh escapes the redhead's lips as he starts explaining what happened with Timothy. That he couldn't answer to kid's last question.
It shouldn't bother Lavi so much, he knows it, all because he's going to be Bookman and he already is an observer. But at the same time, it's the very reason why he's bothered – he observes, takes another personality every time they change a place, Lavi's just another one, in a way just a mask that's, because of various reasons, he's been wearing for a good two years now. Lavi exist for the reason to get close to people so it's easier to observe.
The small child that Bookman took with him gave up everything he had, his home, family, name, just for the sake of becoming a Bookman someday – it's never bothered the child, he never regretted making that choice because people are stupid and just ink on the paper – but right now, Lavi doesn't know what to make of it. Sure, he remembers the child, his name, but the way he acted it's all blurry – covered within thick fog – and wonders if that is him. If Deak and Lavi and other personas are him – which they are not – or just personas – which they are not, either – so who is that kid grown to?
Who is the person inside this meatsuit called Lavi? Is there someone? Was there someone to begin with?
Who the hell is he?
He's read thousands of books, has the knowledge no one but Bookmen have, but he doesn't have the answer. He doesn't even have a clue to follow to trace the answer.
So Lavi puts his thoughts to words, not really thinking what he's saying, just letting it out because Kanda was stupid enough to ask – so he rants through the confusing thoughts, watching Kanda to stay silent and just listen – and when he's done, he feels like an empty shell he apparently is.
For a moment, the two just sit and look each other, trying to read and see through the web of silence, until Kanda decides to rip it apart.
"Che." Kanda stands up, closing the distance between himself and the bed Lavi's sitting on as he speaks. "Why does it matter? Right now, you're Lavi, a Bookman and an Exorcist, a fucking annoying rabbit-brat..." Lavi drops his papers and pen to the floor, a smile starting to tug his lips upwards and Kanda closes the distance, pushes him on his back, and flings himself on top on the redhead with one fluid movement. "…and the only one who gets to fuck me." Kanda leans closer, hands on Lavi's chest. "Isn't that good enough?"
Lavi doesn't add that he's the only one who's not bothered by consistent dead-threats, only one actually likes and willingly stays with Kanda (Lenalee doesn't count), but instead he chuckles and pulls Kanda to an open-mouthed kiss, tongues dancing and tasting – yes, it's good enough, and even if it isn't, he doesn't mind the welcomed distraction.
When they part – due to lack of oxygen – there's familiar warmth spreading through his body, especially in his lower regions when Kanda undoes the fly and slips his hand inside the trousers. Lavi draws a breath, hand slipping beneath the other youth's shirt, fingers playing on the abs. As much as he would like the dominant Kanda fuck him in the oblivion, he has to think about tomorrow too, and that definitely sucks. "Yuu…" he whines, but is not allowed to continue.
"Shut up", Kanda tells him, leaving a teeth mark to his neck. "I know you're leaving tomorrow." Meaning, he's not allowed to be limping. "Who said fucking means control?"
Lavi's breathing stops at that, and he's fairly sure his heart skipped a beat as well, now that he looks into those darkened eyes, filled with lust and will to dominate, he knows what Yuu's planning and well… Hell yes.
"Preparation?" Usually Lavi wouldn't bother to ask, not after all they've done together, but for now it's just best to play along with Kanda's mood, because that will result something real good in the end.
Kanda contemplates for a second before leaning closer, discarding his own shirt in the process before helping Lavi to get rid of his own, redhead humming response in the process. He bites Lavi's ear, pleased to feel the shiver running through redhead's body. "Fine."
Lavi grins at that, and then he's kissing Kanda – who's using his arms to support himself – and pulling the Exorcist's trousers down, just enough to push one finger inside. Kanda grimaces at that, breaking the kiss, but Lavi is having none of that, oh no – dominant or not, he needs to have some fun for himself too. And well, since Kanda likes a bit of pain, it's all good.
So Lavi kisses him again, tongue licking as he moves his finger and then adds another, loving the way Kanda trembles, the way his whimpers and moans down in his own mouth. With his free hand, he reaches up, pulling out the hair tie, making the raven hair fall down like a beautiful, living curtain.
He wouldn't mind to fuck Kanda like this, either.
But soon enough Kanda pulls away, and reluctantly Lavi pulls his fingers away too, hands coming to rest on the pale hips, but can't he help smiling as the other suppresses a whimper at that. They're both breathing hard, Kanda harder than Lavi, almost half-hard already, truly ready to move on.
Both of trousers are discarded, thrown to the floor uncaringly, and Lavi can't bring himself to care, not when Kanda is on his lap, looking him in the eye, that dark, hot gaze filled with lust. Then he slams down, hard, and both of them have to bite their lips in order not to cry out – Lavi's hands are on Kanda's hips and the swordsman's hands are pressed flat against the redhead's stomach, and he focuses on breathing.
Lavi is about to ask if Kanda is okay, partly because he's just a little worried, but partly because he really wants to move – he wants to get more of that amazing heat – but then Kanda lift himself up and slams down again, this time Lavi thrusting up to meet his thrusts, nails digging to pale skin.
Up, down, up, down, heavy breathing and moans echoing the room, smell of sweat and precome and sex filling the air, the feeling of being engulfed by that amazing, wet, tight heat – Lavi knows he'll never get enough of that. And the way Kanda looks – trail of sweat covering his pale body as he meets Lavi's thrusts, his arousal weeping with precum, the way his beautiful raven hair falls down, the hazy look of mixture of want and lust – in Lavi's vocabulary, there's just one word for that, and that's perfection.
Together they build up the pace – upon Kanda's decision – fastening it with every thrust, building up the heat, building up the tension, harder, faster, more – until it reaches its peak. Lavi ends up coming first, followed immediately by the swordsman.
For a while, they just stay where they are, catching their breaths, coming down from high. With much effort, Kanda finally lifts himself up, whimpering a bit in the process and flings himself down to the mattress, physically spent, next to Lavi who makes an effort to clean up the worst mess.
Kanda doesn't ask Lavi to stay, but the redhead does – he's tired, spent, and would much rather spend the night sharing a bed with Yuu than returning to Bookman – besides, the old panda knew where he went to anyway, so.
When Lavi slips beneath the cover they share, without thinking, he drapes one hand over Kanda, who doesn't pull away, and lets out a content sigh. "Yuu", he starts, "thank you." Lavi really means the words – Kanda isn't exactly type to cheer people up, but he did his best for Lavi, and that's what counts – and both his words and action helped. But in the end, words are meaningless between them, so Lavi doesn't expect an answer, but sometimes, even Kanda can surprise him.
"You're not the only one who doesn't know who he is."
The meaning of the words makes a lump appear in Lavi's throat, making him forget how to breathe again, making him remember and understand that he isn't the only one – he doesn't know much about Kanda's past, but he knows enough.
He can't see Kanda's face, not when he's facing the young Exorcist's back, and he doesn't dare to try anything.
What really hurts is that as Bookman, he's supposed to know everything and have words for every situation in this rotten world, but right now, there's no sentence in his brain, not a word he can offer.
So instead of speaking, he pulls Kanda closer, presses his face to Yuu's neck. Kanda doesn't pull away, but intertwines their fingers.
It's a moment of shared pain and understanding and maybe, just maybe, it's good enough.