Thank you for the reviews! Made my day and I smiled a lot, a lot, a lot! I forgot to give thanks to dramarose for helping me out a great deal in the last chapter. The Fitz and Julia encounter was all her idea and I forgot to give credit. So thank you(x100) to dramarose! ALSO! I got an awesome review: Avid Reader, who's sadly an anon, but thanks nonetheless. Keep up with the reading and if you can review. I'm sorry if I came out a bit, um, forceful? I just feel like no one's reading. Gosh now I'm blabbing. Please enjoy!
Disclaimer, I don't own Degrassi.
When you get what you want, but not what you need.
Throughout the Edwards Castle, an air of misery and sadness hung over the residents' heads. Julia Fields wasn't the most charming of the girls that worked and lived there, but she was still part of the family. She wouldn't be missed exactly, more like her mere memories brought back haunting thoughts and the image of her painful end. You see, Julia didn't die a normal death. She was far too young for a stroke or heart attack. She was in perfect health. She was fine, well as fine as you can be when you're an over-stressed pregnant woman. Julia was shot. A stray bullet from a hand gun. It landed in her abdomen, piercing through the womb where her unborn child was. But that wasn't the reason why her eyes closed for the last time at midnight. No, no, Julia died because of poisoning. The doctors examining her body for a closer inspection found a trace of some deathly herb. She'd died a painless death, with the exception of an ache because of the bullet.
Now three days later, there was few people at her funeral service. Her mother, Ann Marie, was sobbing uncontrollably into a cloth. Her husband, Anthony, was trying his hardest to stop the tears that were threatening to fall from his gray eyes. Julia's younger sister, Emily, was crying at her mother's side and kept moaning through sobs, "Jules, why did you go?" Julia's ceremony was held at the village church and her modest, wooden coffin was sitting at the front of the tiny place. Randall Edwards had paid for the service, saying it was his responsibility since he'd grown close to her family. He hadn't been able to attend the service but he sent Jenna and Clare in representation. The two girls were sitting in the back, holding each other's hands in their matching black, silk dresses. The Goldsworthy's sat in the church pew to their left, Cece crying a bit and Bullfrog giving nothing away with his stony expression. Eli was emotionless, staring emptily at the front of the church. There was a sea of black moving through the rows of pews, some crying and some whispering. One f Julia's closest friends, Marisol, kept crying and pointing at Eli, saying it was his fault through the sobs that racked her thin body. Ten year-old Emily got the hint and yelled at Eli profanities that shouldn't have come from a child's mouth. Cece grasped Eli's hand and cried even more.
Clare wasn't sure she wanted to stay any longer. It'd be rude to just walk out in the middle of the ceremony but she couldn't stand the eyes that stared at her like she was responsible. The eyes belonged to Anne Marie. She was a thin woman with the exact same features as Julia except with worry-lines and creases around her lips. She was glaring at Clare and sobbing. The anger was evident even through her puffy, tear rimmed eyes. Her husband was holding her back and Clare could swear she saw the woman mouth, "It was you, Clare Edwards," and point straight at her face.
Clare definitely wanted to leave this place. She usually enjoyed an opportunity to visit the house of God, but this wasn't the perfect time. Obviously everyone around was grieving while she was just paying her respects to a family who didn't want them.
"Jenna," Clare murmured, "I think it's time for us to go."
Jenna's skin was pasty and her eyes were a dull gray. Those very same eyes were glued to the coffin up at the front of the chapel. She looked lifeless though Clare couldn't understand why. She pinched Jenna's arm and the latter winced.
"What is it?" Jenna hissed through her teeth. She smiled at someone who passed by them and turned glaring at Clare.
"I said that it's time to go." Clare looked annoyed and crossed her arms over her chest, trying to look like she meant business.
"I'm not going," Jenna announced. When Clare looked at her confused, she replied simply, "Julia was my friend. I have to be here for her."
Clare couldn't believe it. How could her sister - so judgmental of others and nosy - didn't have any sort of idea who Julia was? Surely they would've had to talk about Julia's pregnancy or Fitz. Was Jenna a traitor?
"What?" she asked again, fixing her blonde waves. "Look, I know that you and Julia didn't get along but she was my best friend. I trusted her and she trusted me. She meant a lot to me and believe it or not, I want to be here. She's gone now and…I just have to be here, Clare-bear. Understand it. If you don't want to stay, then leave without causing a scene. As if you hadn't already with her sister pointing at you.."
Clare glared at Jenna but sat back, staring at the coffin. It was paid for by Randall as well. She couldn't believe how generous people were being. If only they knew the kind of trash Julia was, Clare thought. She immediately scolded herself and remembered to never speak ill of the dead. It was a hard task but she couldn't stop thinking that Julia deserved what she got. She was snapped out of her thoughts when a finger harshly tapped her shoulder.
Clare turned around to see Fitz looking right down at her, his cold eyes piercing through her dull ones. She had his arms crossed over his chest and no tears visible on his face. He avoided the sight at the front of the chapel, instead focusing on the confused look on Clare's innocent face.
"We need to talk," he announced, his voice hoarse as if he'd been yelling for a while. "Now. So if you would please go with me outside."
Clare didn't want to. She wanted to stay here, in the comfort and safety of the people she knew. She wanted to be close to Eli even if she couldn't offer any comfort or warmth when he most needed it. That broken boy had to be alone, his frail heart dealing with all this. His walls had crashed, crushing him underneath all this weight, concrete on feathers.
"Clare?" Fitz said, snapping her out of her thoughts.
"I-I can't," she said firmly. There was no way in hell she was going anywhere with that man when there was a possibility that…she couldn't even finish that thought without shivering. She hadn't considered this before until now. Was he capable of killing the woman who was pregnant with his unborn child? No, that was ridiculous. Fitz might be evil and all, but he couldn't do that. Right? Right.
"It's important," Fitz said, desperation lacing his voice. "Please."
"I'm sorry but this isn't the time." Clare knew she was being rude but she didn't want to be alone with him. No, no, no. even when they were near each other in a room full of people, she didn't feel safe. She felt this hate radiating off of him and it was hard to feel alright.
"Fine," he muttered deflated. "But we…we have to talk soon. It's very important for you to know-"
"Okay!" Clare nearly shouted. A few churchgoers turned to look at her, shooting dirty looks at the frustrated girl. She shot them apologetic looks and turned to Fitz, silently urging him to leave. He got the hint, sighing and walking out of the church. She saw Eli staring at her, his expression emotionless. He raised an eyebrow as if waiting for her to say something but she never did, just shaking her head slowly and turning back to looking at the front.
The service was over fairly quickly, releasing the mourner at around noon so they could head over to the cemetery where Julia would be buried. Clare headed outside right after the priest let them go on their way, giving one final prayer so that Julia's soul could rest in peace. The young, brown haired girl raced out of the sacred place over to where Reese stood holding a bouquet of white flowers which where to be given to the deceased's family. She wasn't sure they'd accept the humble offering but it wouldn't kill to try. She thanked Reese and went back inside, looking for the family who was standing up front. She took in a few deep breaths before walking up to the older man and tapping his shoulder.
"Umm…hello, I uh… I'm really sorry for your loss," Clare stuttered, looking down at her feet out of embarrassment. She hadn't really planned out what to say so now she had to come up with something out of the top of her heart. Anthony Fields looked kinder than his wife, who glared at Clare through sobs. She didn't even say thank you as Clare handed over the precious roses she'd bought at the best flower shop. In a way, Clare could understand why the woman was acting the way she was. In wasn't everyday that your eldest daughter passed away. The only thing that didn't make sense was the hate she showed towards Clare who was only trying to be polite.
"Thank you, Princess Edwards," Mr. fields said, taking the flowers from Clare and smiling faintly. "I..I'm sure Julia would've appreciated this."
Clare nodded, not sure of what to say now. They just stood there looking at the coffin at the front, the place where Julia Fields' body would spend the rest of eternity. Clare got her chance to leave when someone else gave their condolences to the family. She walked away and out of the church, catching Eli's eye on the way out. He was staring at her with an unknown expression, his emerald eyes almost pitch black. Cece had her arm wrapped around his shoulders and Bullfrog was talking quietly to her.
There was a reason why he went to look for Clare while she was on her date with Jake. He probably knew something and what if he…? No that wasn't possible. He wouldn't ever kill anyone, much less their baby. Eli might've had issues but he would never go that far. Clare was positive of that. She'd grown up with this boy and he was sweet and caring and…not capable of committing a crime like homicide. Clare mentally slapped herself for even considering this. She shouldn't have thought of that, because now as she looked at Eli, she wanted to know everything that had happened before he'd shown up at the Dot. Fitz was more capable of killing Julia than Eli was. Clare wasn't supposed to think of this, she wasn't. She had to go to the cemetery with Jenna in a few minutes. Her imagination was running wild and she had to control it.
"Let's go," she told Jenna, "Reese is waiting for us outside/ we have to start heading over to the cemetery."
Jenna complied, standing up and fixing her dress skirt. She walked ahead of Clare, bursting out the old wooden doors and into the blazing, June heat. She fanned herself with her thin hand, heading over to the carriage without Clare. The latter found this a bit strange since Jenna never went anywhere without her. Maybe Julia's death had affected her more than expected.
"Hurry up, Clare," Jenna called out behind her. "I want to get there early."
It was pointless to show up early to the burying of Julia since the family members where supposed to be at the front. Since Jenna was close friend's with Julia, maybe they'd be up front, watching as they lowered the casket into the cold, dark ground. Being dead doesn't look as pleasant as some imagine, Clare thought to herself. She wondered what were the last thoughts that ran through Julia's head. Was she thinking of her child, who she'd leave on Eli's doorstep once it was born? Was she thinking of Eli himself and how she'd play out her plan with Fitz? Or was she thinking of Fitz and their love that seemed to be so wrong yet so addicting? Clare didn't know - and she never wanted to. A call from the dead might scar her for life, leaving her traumatized.
And then…what if she was at fault for something that happened? It wasn't accurate but instead a thought that managed to sneak into her mind, making her feel sick.
"What's wrong?" Jenna asked when they were in the carriage, each on their own side of the velvety bench. The younger girl was biting her manicured nails and looking out the small window.
Clare shrugged. She wanted to go back in time before things got complicated and she had to worry about deaths and forever. Back when the only things on her mind where reading the books Professor Dawes assigned and visiting Eli late at night. Those used to be her only preoccupations but now she had to think about a wedding, a murder, and the love that could never be. Her head was aching and spinning, her stomach knotting and twisting.
"You look sick," Jenna declared, looking at her sister straight in the eye. "Maybe you should go to the doctor on the way back."
Clare pressed a hand weakly to her clammy forehead, ignoring the pain that was becoming impossible to ignore. "I…maybe I should."
"Ever since that ball at the Coyne's you've been acting strange and looking sick." Jenna shrugged. "I'm just looking out for you because you're the only person left that I can count on now that Julia…" She trailed off, looking out the window again and taking a deep breath. "I just really miss her, you know? She was the best friend I could've ever asked for."
"When did you become friends with her?" Clare asked out of curiosity.
Not that long ago. We started talking one day and well it we got along. She said she really wanted to be friends with both of us but you weren't really looking to make friend. Rude of you, don't you think?" Jenna glared at Clare but continued. "Anyways, she always wanted to talk. I invited her up to my bedroom chambers a couple of times. For her birthday three days ago, I gave her a necklace and you should've seen the excitement on her face. She didn't wear it though, because she was afraid they'd think she stole it."
Clare nodded and a thought suddenly formed in her mind. What if Julia had become friends with Jenna to find out more about her? Her mind was spinning even more with the realization. She wasn't sure if it was possible, but if it was then the friendship was a lie.
"We're here, ladies," Reese announced from the front, jumping off the seat to open the doors. Both girls stepped out, looking around to see the cemetery gates reading Rosemary Hill Cemetery in the iron. The gates were pushed open, a trail leading inside. There was large willow trees in certain sections and Clare could see some of Julia's relatives by a grave t the south of the land. They walked in, side-stepping through the gravestones and dead flowers. Names engraved in stone passed by them, flying along with words like Loving Father and We'll Miss You, Angela. Cemetery's were depressing along with cold even if it was summer. The sun was hidden behind gray clouds, the rays shining down upon another part of town. Off in the distance, lush, green mountains were noticeable, casting shadows down upon the land.
"Walk faster," Jenna demanded, nearly running through the graves until she reached Julia's family.
"I'm walking as fast as I can," Clare said through her gritted teeth. "Go on ahead if you please, she was your friend anyway."
Jenna rolled her eyes and walked up to the family, flashing a smile and then mourning with them. Clare thought it was ridiculous how she could act like nothing was wrong one second and then be sad over her friend's death the next. She walked to her sister's side and looked down at the dark space in the grown where Julia would be buried.
She turned when she saw a hearse grumbling over to them on the large trail, the driver slowly pulling up to the grave. He opened the back downs, sliding out the coffin. Mr. Fields and another man carried out the casket, laying down on the door ground before other men came to lower it into the space adjacent to it. Clare couldn't help but shed a few tears as they lowered her into the earth, giving her up to another world because she no longer belonged with the living. She wiped away the tears quickly, looking up and catching Eli's eye once again. He was holding Cece's hand and weeping freely, whimpering as they lowered the casket lower deeper into the soil. The parents threw in white roses - the very same ones Clare gave to them - and said a final prayer. Julia's soul would rest in peace.
Finally the time passed and it was time to head on home. Clare wanted to talk to Eli so badly so she caught his arm by the entrance. She pulled him aside by the large trees and hid behind a tree trunk. When she finally looked at him he was still sobbing. His emerald eyes were shiny and the skin around them was puffy and red. She pulled him into her arms without a second thought, holding him while he cried into her shoulder. They didn't speak for a while, the only noises heard where whimpers escaping his chapped lips.
"We have to go," she said, breaking the silence with a rough whisper. She pulled away, looking into his eyes, getting lost in the eternal pools of jade.
`"I don't want you to leave me." He pulled her in for another hug, holding her close to his chest, her warmth engulfing him in an ocean of kindness.
"I'll never leave you, I swear," Clare said, breathing deeply and avoiding his eyes.
She knew that her promise couldn't last. Why? Because at some point she had to leave him behind. And that'd be once she married Fitz. People always think about tomorrow but they don't live for now. Clare was learning slowly that she had to stop worrying about what tomorrow would bring and live for the moment. The moment was right now, here with Eli holding her like there was nothing else out there. Their love was going to live for the moment because honestly, that was all they had.
"We should get back," Eli mumbled, pulling away from Clare and walking backwards until he reached the entrance of the cemetery. He turned around and came face to face with Jenna. She was glaring up at him and tapping her foot. Clare swallowed; her sister didn't know that her and Eli where…well friends. And catching them like this, awfully close and smiling shyly, wasn't the best way for her to find out. Clare tried stepping in front of Eli and explaining but Jenna just walked away, shaking her head and mumbling profanities under her breath. Clare caught a few words calling her a backstabber but didn't understand why. Then it hit her. Eli was Julia's boyfriend. Technically ex-boyfriend now that she was dead, but it still looked wrong for hr to be with him after only hours of her death.
"Tonight, I'll go visit you," Eli whispered, walking away before giving Clare a chance to answer. She looked at him, his fast pace keeping an even farther distance between them. Clare sighed, refusing to cry at the sight of him walking away from her as if it was the last time. She returned to the carriage, hoping to get home and relax for a while.
.
.
.
Clare's wish for relaxation was possible because as soon as she returned to the castle with Jenna there was a letter addressed to her in curvy hand-writing. She ripped open the envelope on the way up to her chambers. A small piece of paper fell out, with an complex drawing of a…wedding dress. So this was from Helen, or as she was now called, Helena.
Dearest Clare,
I know you probably hate me with a passion. You have every right to do so and I won't argue if you never want to speak to me again. But I would like to invite you for coffee tonight at The Dot. My stepson works there, Jake, and he can arrange a table for us. I'd like to catch up with you and be the mother that I refused to be years ago. Please take this into consideration. I love you. -Helen.
Clare sighed. On top of all her problems, her mother was still trying to keep in contact when it was her who left. She wanted to see her mother again and no, not to catch up and have tea time like if she was a little girl again. She wanted revenge as sick as it sounded. Yes, it was her mother, the same woman who gave birth to her. But it was also the woman who stopped giving a damn years ago. It was the same woman who now claimed to have a perfect live. Well she could stay with her happiness, but not before Clare gave her a piece of her mind. There wasn't an exact date on the invitation but she figured she might as well get ready. Maybe Helen was still punctual as before.
The girl went to take a bath, slipping off her heavy black dress and stepped into the warm water. She relaxed for a while, letting the vanilla-scented bubbles waft up her nose and calmed her nerves.
.
.
The sun was setting behind the trees. Night hadn't fallen yet, but the pink and orange streaks in the sky were noticeable. In the Edwards castle, you could sense the tension drifting off the walls like heat. Since Julia's death there was something off, like everyone was expecting her spirit to come back and haunt everyone who'd ever bothered her. There certainly where people who bothered her; Sadie had once spilled orange juice on the girl's dress and Cece had called her hair ugly once. The only person who wasn't the least bit scared was Clare. She knew she hadn't done anything to Julia even if the hate was mutual. She didn't worry about being haunted because when it came to ghosts she was on the skeptical side. All she had to worry about for today was going to meet her mother.
She left at around six o'clock, walking down the front steps of the castle and heading straight for her carriage. It was hers because she was the only one who ever used it since Jenna hardly ever left the castle alone. This reminded her about her father, who she hadn't seen in the past day. She worried about him sometimes, how he never left the castle, instead sending people to do his job for him. He could've been sick but she rather not ask because that always brought trouble.
She arrived at the Dot fairly quickly, leaving the carriage and patting one of the horses' mane on her way to the entrance. She looked around the restaurant for her mother but found no one. Then she remembered that Jake, of all people, was Helen's stepson. Which made him her stepbrother…
Clare made her way over to the bar, looking for Jake but found no one. She finally caught sight of her mother in the opposite corner. She was talking animatedly to a man in some fancy attire that Clare didn't recognize from around here. She thought, So that's her husband.
Helen caught Clare's eye and smiled widely motioning for her daughter to walk forward. Clare had no option but to do so, her hands sweating and her knees trembling. She was glad no one could see the shaking of her legs under her pale, yellow dress.
"Clare!" Helen exclaimed, racing to meet with her daughter, pulling her into a bone-breaking hug.
The motherly warmth swept her off her feet, making her realize that she really did need her mom. The woman did hurt her, making her cry for nights. But this simple hug, it cured everything. Their arms fit perfectly around each other, the comfort making Clare's mind spin. If there was one thing she wanted, was for this moment to last forever. When they finally pulled away, Helen's eyes were rimmed with tears as well as her daughters.
"Let's talk, baby girl," she whispered. "We have forever to do so."
And they talked for what did seem like forever. Helen introduced Clare to her new husband, David, who left so that the two women could talk in private. Clare opened up about her fears and the hate she held for Helen up to a few moments before. Helen explained it up to a certain point; being in love didn't mean being with the wrong person. She left Randall because that unhappiness was taking over her life. She also revealed a secret no one else had known: Randall was abusive. He would always yell at her for no reason. Getting her pregnant with the future heir was his number one priority but once she gave him two daughters, he became far more angry. Helen told Clare how Randall never wanted daughters, saying he'd have to give them up to some bastard years from now when he was being the same person he wanted his daughters to avoid. It was an emotional two hours. Clare still didn't understand why Helen left but the older woman argued, "That's a conversation for a different day."
For once in a long time, Clare was looking forward to tomorrow. She wanted to keep talking to her mother, the woman who resembled her in almost all aspects. There was still something nagging her in the back of her mind. Something seemed off but she rather not pursue the subject. For now, everything was fine.
Thank you for reading! This chapter is kinda boring, I believe, but it's like a filler chapter. I'm sorry for the lack of drama and well fun. It was boring :/ my apologies. Please, if any of you have ideas, I'll be glad to take them. I've already taken into consideration one idea for Clare's future. ;) I won't reveal what it is but you'll see. Thank you again and I'll update in…well you'll see. Adios!