ALMOST 400 reviews! I. AM. HONORED!
I love Becky for beta-ing this on her vacay. Once she lost someone close to her to cancer, so I tread lightly around the subject!
Sheena, thanks for the pre-read & assuring me that this chapter was not crap!
Irritable Grizzzly owns me. She fixed this whole damn thing.
To all of this who read this, review, encourage me, chat w/me on Twitter - I love you all! HARD!
~*X*~
Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.
~ J.K. Rowling
~*X*~
Warning: Please remain seated as the ride begins, keep your arms & hands inside the cart at all times. Stay seated until the ride comes to a complete stop. It's about to get bumpy ladies. Hold me.
"Kiss Me."~ Edward chapter 9
Oh the power of words. How do I tell him that I wanted nothing more than to feel his lips, his hands, his chest, his hips... him all over me. Now. And for a long time to come.
I just told him what his kiss does to me. It sets my whole being ablaze. Fire. I'd never experienced such a thing, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. I was sure to burst into an out of control inferno at any given second.
His words "kiss me" were twirling around in my head like a tornado. I could see those six little letters swirling and swirling around, destroying everything in their wake. My boundaries were in pieces. My resolve in shreds. My resistance…gone.
Damn, I drank too much tequila.
"Happy Birthday," I whispered as I licked my lips, my hands eaching out for home, for Edward. As I tediously moved my palms up his chest, he moved closer – closer - closer still.
Then it was as I thought it should be. I felt him everywhere. His body pressed up against me, my fire was burning hotter than ever before, with no possibility of it ever being quenched. Ever.
He grabbed my hands from his chest and raised them both above my head. The cold, damp bricks of the outside wall pressed up against me trying to wake me from my dream. This isn't really happening, is it?
With my arms outstretched above my head, I leaned my head back against the wall. His nose tickled the inside of my inner arm as he leaned in toward me. The sensation of the way his hands traced down my arms, first my fingers to palms to forearms to elbows to shoulders, it was so innocent yet so seductive.
As soon as his hands were at my waist, I went in for the kill. He was enjoying this slow burn too much, and I wanted him to pour a little gasoline on the fire so I could instantly feel the heat.
He turned his head so now our noses were touching, and I could smell the liquor mixed with the sweet nectar of Edward, my mouth watered. "I wish you knew how you made me feel, Bella."
I wished I did too. I'd already been over all my wishes remember? Oh wait, that was in my head. He didn't know my wishes. If I would have told, if I revealed my wishes, they would become too real. My wishes would some how be more than a wish and everyone would pity me when they knew the desires of my heart. I would be written off as a dreamer. A silly girl who wished for things out of her reach. Her standards too high, yearning for princes and horse-drawn carriages and happily-ever-afters. Yet, here she was; single, riding the bus and her future – bleak.
At least one wish came true, Edward Cullen kissed me. His lips were so soft against mine. I let my hands fall atop his shoulders and wound my fingers into his hair. I pulled him closer, so close we were almost one. And then just like that, the frenzy began. His lips parted, his tongue snaked out to meet mine. I tasted him, that nectar I spoke of earlier, it was like a drug to me, the more of him I drank in, the more I craved. I couldn't get enough.
If this was what he was offering - kisses and gropes and whatever in the hell was to come, call me greedy, but I was taking it all. Tomorrow can be dealt with – tomorrow.
Our kisses never slowed. I felt his hands inching down to laze over my ass. I pulled my hips away from the wall and into him so he could get a better grip. This caused me to feel him even more! The joke 'is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me', drifted through my mind and caused me to smirk.
Edward noticed and pulled back ever so slightly. His hands still on my ass, touching, mapping, teasing me to no end!
"Like I said Bella, if you only knew how you made me feel." He put emphasis on feel as he ground his banana into me again.
Oh God.
"Tell me Edward. How do I make you fe--," his lips came down on mine again. We were panting as though we had just finished a marathon. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered in such turmoil, I was dizzy.
The atmosphere around us was quiet except for the beat of the music inside and our own primordial sounds .
Edwards hands soon found the edge of my dress on my upper thigh. It was already hiked up some, with his thumb he traced around the edge of my dress, like he was waiting for the gate keeper to let him in.
"Please," I urged.
His nose now buried in my hair, his lips to my ear. My chest rapidly dancing against his, he whispered "you can tell me stop, don't let me go too far Bella."
"Please," I moaned, "don't stop."
I lifted one leg to rest against the wall behind us. Thank goodness I was intoxicated because sober Bella would never let this happen.
Not yet.
"Fuck," he groaned as his fingers move under my skirt on the outside of my thighs, just slowly moving back and forth. The contact of his fingers against my legs made me grind into him again.
His name escaped my lips as I found the edge of his shirt and rudely jammed my hands under it to touch his skin. I wanted to feel him. If this was a dream, I was going to take advantage of as much as I could.
He began kissing, licking, sucking on my neck, as I teased as much of the bare skin under his shirt that I could. The flesh on his sides was the softest thing I had ever touched. His abs were hard and each one had a small definitive outline. His lower back rose and fell right above his ass cheeks in a way that made me want to lick it. A lot.
I was so lost in the discovery of his body, that I hadn't realized his fingers were now on the insides of my thighs. For a fleeting moment I was embarrassed. What would he think when he felt how wet I was? Would he even we want to touch me?
Edward put one of his arms around my waist to hold me tight to him at the same time that I felt his fingers glossing over my sex. His touch turned my whole body into a freakin' furnace.
It had been so long.
"Holy Hell!" He spoke into my shoulder as his touch became more. More of what I wanted, more of what I so desperately needed, more.
"Do you want me to stop?" His voice was low and gravelly.
I couldn't speak, so I quickly shook my head and let my fingernails scrape down this chest.
He pulled his head up to look at me, his finger tips still slowly moving outside the satin covering me... down there.
"You sure?" he asked as his eyes bore into me with passion so intense it took my breath away. I wanted to freeze time and ask him a million questions. I wanted to know what that look meant! What was that emotion hiding in his eyes? Did he really want to do this? Is this his…more?
I bit my lip as I slowly nodded my head. My knee resting at his hip with my foot still up against the wall behind him gave me some leverage. I moved my hips slightly against his palm. His eyes slit at me and once again his lips were seducing mine.
I felt his fingers move under my satin thong. His thumb slowly rubbing my clit as his fingers traced the edge. I couldn't stop the high pitched moan that escaped my lips as I panted. I pulled my hands out from underneath his shirt and wrapped them around his neck. My knees were getting weak and I needed something to hold me up.
He kissed his way down my neck and back up to rest his lips against my ear.
His finger-lishious torture was almost too much for me to bear. He was a master. I wondered if he had trophies hidden in his closet for his finger skills? Just as Tina Turner had insurance on her legs, someone needed to insure this boy's magical fingers, Good God Almighty!
When he inserted his finger, I thought I just might lose it right there. His thumb was still touching me in all the right ways as his long, lean middle finger moved in and out of me with moves that had to be illegal.
My hips had a mind of their own and began to move with him. "Oh shit," I muttered as I let my head fall back against the wall again.
"Bella just…let go."
Let go of what? My boundaries? My self preservation? My walls protecting my broken heart? I thought I was.
"Let go," he sighed at the same time as he curled his masterful finger and his thumb pressed on my love button.
Oh...let go of THAT.
And so I did. I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned my head forward to bite on his shoulder as I felt wave after wave of bliss agitate inside the deepest corners of my being. Flashes of iridescent lights danced behind my closed lids and I briefly wondered if I had ever been so close to heaven before.
As soon as I drifted back to earth my shame and apprehension were trying to surface and with all my might I willed them away.
I lowered my leg and he pulled down on the edges of my skirt. My hands were still in his hair and I didn't want to let go.
"Bella, Bella, Bella," His voice was music to my ears.
I put my hand on his banana that was still very…very hard.
Yum.
"Will you come to my room tonight?" I asked in a very mousy voice. Was that really me talking?
He had his fingers in my hair now and his nose touching mine."Well see..." Oh shit, does he regret this? He won't even come back to my room...
"You share a room with Rose," he whispered before he softly kissed me again.
Oh thank God. It's just that!
I nodded my head in agreement.
"You may have to come to my room." Another kiss.
Um, what's my name? I think I forgot...
"The limo's here. You ready to leave?"
Edward pulled away and I immediately felt cold.
He opened the door to the limo and waited for me to get inside before closing the door. "Wh--" I started to speak but he cut me off by holding up his finger as he began dialing his cell.
"Emmett, the limo is here... will be waiting... sure..."
He slid in beside me and for a fleeting moment I wanted to crawl up and straddle his lap. "Edward I should go and say bye to everyone."
"Nah, you can call them later." He kissed me again. This kiss was soft and sweet and delicious. He stopped and looked into my eyes as if he wanted to say something. I studied his face under the glow of the dim interior lights. Then with the click of the door, Emmett and Rose crawled in, giggling and Edward grabbed my hand and laid his head back on the seat.
On the ride home Rose and Emmett complimented my singing time after time. They had obviously had more to drink that Edward and I, were we quiet and calm, they were not. Soon their attention turned to each other and Edward and I looked away from their PDA.
~*X*~
When we arrived at the house, Rose pulled me over to the side and asked if my feelings would be hurt if she spent the night with Emmett instead of the pool house. I told her 'of course not, to have fun,' for I might of have some plans of my own. Well I didn't tell her that part, but I thought it.
Carlisle was still up when we entered the house and asked Edward if he could speak to him a minute. Emmett and Rose ran upstairs. I announced I was going out to my room and Edward whispered "soon" in my ear as he squeezed my hand before letting it go and joining his father.
My head was still spinning a bit from the tequila as I walked out through the back door out to my room. I smiled as I thought about the night. Edward's hands on me, kissing me, it just made me feel so alive again, and even though somewhere in the back of my mind I knew we shouldn't be doing this, I just didn't know how to stop it.
I dug out my boy shorts and tank top to sleep in and saw my Blackberry on the bedside table. The light was flashing indicating I had a message. I quickly changed then picked it up and made my way to the bathroom.
As I scrolled through a few random email messages, my eyes settled on a cell phone number that was unknown and they had left a message.
I dialed my voice mail box and was stunned when I heard the message, I knew that voice. "Bella, um, it's me – Mike. I heard through the grapevine you are in Forks this weekend, I guess visiting your parents, but I need something. I was wondering if you still had our baby bed, um, I don't know if you know or not but Bree's pregnant, due in a few months actually – a girl - and I was thinking we could use that bed since it didn't get used before and um – you know- I suppose you won't be needing it later. So yeah, please call me and let me know something. I can meet you there or whatever. Well....bye."
Just hearing him say my name...hearing the fucking joy in his voice saying she's pregnant with a girl...The nerve of that man to call ME and ask ME for MY baby bed that he...he despised.
I sunk to the floor of the bathroom. Then I hugged the toilet as I threw up. Then the tears came and every good feeling that I had felt throughout the night and the promise of what was to come…vanished.
I was reminded of why I was alone. This call from him brought me back to the reality that I could never be what Edward needed or deserved. I was wrong to lead him on. I'd never be enough to keep him satisfied. My walls would always be there keeping him at a safe distance, because this feeling that I have right now – this emptiness and despair in my soul – was crippling. One man had done this to me, and I couldn't ever give another one the chance.
Then the cycle began and the anger made me sob harder, my breath coming in gasps. Why me? Why can't I not hurt and not be scared? Why can't I fall in love again and have a baby and live the good life? Why?
I was tired of thinking. My tears were still flowing as I laid there on the bathroom floor, the cold tiles soothing to my aching head and tear stained face.
I heard Edward come to the door and call for me. I didn't answer him. He should go away and forget about me. Find a decent person that can treat him right. I am no good. He doesn't go away. I had left the bathroom door open and it's the only light on in the small house.
"Bella? Oh my God! Are you okay?" I heard the panic in his voice and I didn't want him to call 911 or anything so I slowly sit up to answer him. He was on his knees bowing over me and his hands were on my face, then his fingers on my neck to check my pulse. I shook my head.
"Let me call my dad," he began to rise and I grabbed his arm.
"No... Please... I'm fine." My speech all choppy from my sobbing.
"Come here. What is it?" He picked me up like the invalid that I felt like I was and carried me to the bed. He sat me on the edge as he pulled the covers back. Like a robot I crawled in and curled myself into a ball. I still had not looked at him, that just may be too painful.
He was still standing over me, "Do you need anything?"
I shook my head, but it was a lie. I needed so much. So much.
He went around to the opposite side of the bed and crawled in to face to me. "Please talk to me."
I finally opened my eyes to see him. He looked so sad and lost and dejected. I had done this. My tears began again.
"I'm ..sorry." It was all I could say. I really am so sorry.
"For what?" I felt his fingers on my face, brushing back my hair that was stuck to my tears. I shook my head. The words...won't ...come.
"What happened?"
I should at least tell him, tell him that it wasn't him. "Mike." Just saying his name made my stomach turn and I briefly wanted to throw up again.
"What did he do?"
I opened my eyes to look at Edward again. His voice sounded so heartbroken. I closed my eyes, blew out a slow breath.
"He left me a message. Bree is …she's pregnant. He wanted my... my baby bed that I had bought. The nerve of him." I was barely whispering. I didn't even want to hear the words come out of my mouth.
"Bella, I'm sorry."
His fingers were still caressing my face, but I felt numb. I barely felt it.
"It's not your fault." The anger started to boil inside me again.
"Do you still... have it?"
"I sold everything after the divorce was final. I wanted nothing to remind me of him." I heard myself talking, but even to my ears I sounded...distant.
I saw the concern in his eyes.
I should warn him off.
I reached up and removed his hand from my face. I held it as I told him. "Edward, we can't do this. Things like this remind me that I'm just a shell. All that is inside me is broken. Unfix-able."
Now the tears decided to show back up and it was all I could do to talk through them. "You have..to…understand…I will..never…be…enough…for you. Never.. Please…don't even…consider it.. I don't...wanna...hurt…you."
"Hey," his hands gripped mine and the sadness was gone from his eyes. "Listen to me. I don't want to hear this from you right now. Not after you just had a phone call from him. Not after you've been drinking…and not after what happened between us earlier. No! Your world doesn't have to crash all around you at once Bella. I care about you."
I shook my head and the tears were still wetting my cheeks.
"Bella, look at me." He released my hands to grab my chin. "I. Am. Your. Friend. First and foremost. Let me be here for you. Please."
A friend. I needed a friend so badly right now. I wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be alright. Even if it was not.
I slowly nodded my head in agreement. He nodded his head too. He then pulled me to him. His arms wrapped around me. His lips resting on the top of my head. My head laying on his chest. My tears wetting his shirt.
The minutes turned into hours and all was quiet between us. He occasionally squeezed me in a hug or ran his fingers through my hair. My breathing was close to being back to normal, the tears had long stopped. Right before I drifted off to sleep, he whispered exactly what I wanted to hear, "Everything's going to be okay baby. Just wait and see."
~*X*~
I woke up the next morning, well almost afternoon, to no Edward in my bed, but his scent had saturated the sheets and the pillows so I drowned myself in it. The slide show of memories began to play behind my eyelids from the night before. The sadness, guilt, regret, apologies, grief, disappointment – they all billowed over me and I just want to disappear. What now?
I had tried so hard to hide my emotional instability from Edward. I was so sure when he found out what a mess I was, he would run for the hills. But the joke's on me because he didn't – he stayed. He stayed and held me. He told me he was my friend and that was what friends did – he comforted me and tried to make it better.
I sat up and the wave of the tequila-morning-after washed over me. Ew.
I needed a shower. My eyes were puffy from crying and my head, it hurt so bad.
I wondered what Edward told Esme and Carlisle about last night. So much had happened, the singing, the wall action, the phone call, the breakdown. I wasn't proud of any of it. Maybe the singing wasn't so bad, but...I seriously wanted to disappear.
~*X*~
When I entered the house, Edward and Esme were seated on the couch reading the local paper. I smiled gingerly at them and went to the refrigerator for a bottle of water.
When I stood back up Edward was there, his hip resting against the counter. "How do you feel this morning?"
"Rough," putting it lightly.
"Advil?"
"Please." I whispered.
He opened a cabinet and retrieved my pills and then turned around to face me. As soon as my medicine was gone and my water bottle back at my side, he embraced me.
I sighed and melted into him. The comfort he gave me was something I could never repay him for. It was a priceless commodity and I hoped it never ran out.
"We'll be leaving soon. Dad has Ethan in town getting him some medicine, he had an earache last night and mom – she's tired. Do you need to go anywhere?" He asked, his arms still enveloping me.
"Home," I whispered, the lump in my throat reminding me that I was still an emotional bomb set to explode at anytime.
"Bella," he spoke into my hair, "this too shall pass. You know that right?"
I nodded my head as he withdrew his arms.
"I need to go pack." Well not really, my stuff was packed and ready but I craved isolation. A blubbering mess among company - no matter how good they are - was still a blubbering mess.
"I'll text you when we are ready to go."
"Okay." I looked in the room to say goodbye to Esme but her head was tilted back on the couch with her eyes closed, so I quietly closed the door.
~*X*~
They had given Ethan some Tylenol for the ride home to ease his and our discomfort, but it didn't work. He drifted asleep once only to wake up thirty minutes later and continue with his whining and crying. He was uncomfortable, but you could tell it was really grating on Edward's nerves.
"What should I do?" Edward asked me.
"There's not much you can do."
I crawled in the back seat to sit beside him, leaned over with my head resting on his car seat and fingered his hair as he did the same to mine. It calmed him some, enough to ease our tension and endure the ride back to Seattle.
Edward and I didn't converse much on the way home, but I did see him glance at me periodically through the rear view mirror. There was so much we probably needed to say, the facade of our friendship had been cracked this weekend. We had pushed the limits and were now stepping backward.
It would be a lie to say that I regretted it, and an even bigger untruth if I said I didn't want it to happen again, even a tall tale to say that I didn't want more.
More.
~*X*~
Two weeks later, Mike had shown up at my office. I was leaving for lunch and was accosted with the sight of him and Bree waiting for me in the lobby. One arm around her back, the other placed on her round belly. I retreated to my office in haste and asked Angela to inform me when they left. Hours later I stumbled from my office in shock. Mike still had this dark power over me that reduced me to a feeling of worthless trash.
I showed up at Edward's place in tears. My hair and my clothes wet from the mist that had begun to fall outside. I didn't even remember how I got there.
He pulled me inside and took care of me all over again. All I had to do was mutter what happened and Edward asked no questions. He gave me one of his shirts and a pair of boxers to wear and I sat on his couch sipping hot coffee, immersed in the Cullen cocoon of comfort.
Before I knew it Ethan was asleep and in his bed, Edward was beside me on the couch. I was soon in his lap as he rocked me and toyed with my hair. The spell this man had over me was different - Mike took and Edward gave.
That was the first time I spent the night at Edward's house. I fell asleep in his lap and awoke the next morning in his bed. I was unsure why he didn't put me in the spare bedroom because he slept on the couch.
Over the next month neither he nor I ever brought up our birthday trip to Forks. We both walked a fine line and played our friendship roles well.
I accompanied them on Ethan's first time trick-or-treating. He was the cutest Batman ever.
Thanksgiving came and we spent a long weekend in Forks. I stayed with my parents this time, but did join Edward and his family for their feast, as did Edward and Ethan joined my family for ours.
Christmas plans were made for everyone to gather at Edward's home for Christmas Eve. Esme and Carlisle were even going to stay the night. That was until they called and said Esme was under the weather they opted to stay in Forks. Edward volunteered to drive to Forks so him and Ethan could spend the night there, but Carlisle told him no, telling him to spend his first Christmas with Ethan in their home. So that became the reason that I spent the night with Edward for a second time. He practically begged me asking me to stay and help with 'Santa.' I couldn't refuse him.
So Christmas morning was a mixture of concern and joy. Ethan squealing like crazy at his gifts under the tree, yet the reality of Esme getting worse at the forefront in our thoughts.
After Ethan was done and was lost in the mix of everything new, Edward and I exchanged our gifts to each other. I bought him a portable DVD player that included installation for his Volvo for their long rides to and from Forks.
Edward said that it was too much but it was perfect. I even gave him a few Disney movies to begin Ethan's collection. "Beauty and the Beast?" he joked.
"It's appropriate."
The gift he gave me took my breath away. He gave me these two leather and cloth bound journals that had the most exquisite detailed art work on the outside covers.
"They are prayer journals. My parents gave me a set when I went off to college. I suppose you could use them as um, a diary too."
My eyes filled with tears, I choked, "They're beautiful Edward. Thank you."
"I expect you to put t them to use. They can be very soothing to your soul."
I shook my head and looked down. He knew of my pain, my heartaches, and here he was giving me something to try and alleviate them - to heal me.
In times like these, I hear my broken heart scream out the words, "I love you," as my butterflies dance and my spirit floats among the clouds. But soon my demons rise up and chase out the affection, reminding me I'm not worthy of such things.
~*X*~
Ringing in the New Year was celebrated with my newest friends. We all gathered together at Jasper and Alice's home. Alice received a big fancy camera for Christmas since she'd declared photography was her new hobby. This made her very click-happy and it was impossible to hide from her over sized lens.
I tried to focus my energy on Ethan and not Edward waltzing around in a light blue button up shirt with faded jeans. It was impossible. My attraction to him was magnetic, polar opposites drawn together as a force of nature.
I was too far gone. Edward had crawled inside my soul and tattooed his searing touch and perfect lips, his forest green eyes and heart of gold, his charming smile and dazzling looks into the innermost part of my being. I was forever scarred from him. He was more a part of me than Mike ever was.
And I was frightened beyond belief.
When the countdown began, I escaped the hustle of the crowd and snuck outside. My arms wrapped around myself trying to ward off the ice cold temperature, gazing out at the blackened sky and admiring the sparse stars that pebbled the night. I lost myself in my dreams and my hopes, my wishes for the new year. Something had to give, I had to find healing and learn to move on from my past. Figure out how to defeat my kryptonite and move forward. Stop hiding. Stop avoiding. Stop ignoring my issues.
I was so lost in myself I didn't hear the door open or shut until I felt two strong arms wrapped around me. It must have been after midnight, the party favors loud and overly excited greetings echoing through the air.
"It's freezing out here. What are you doing?" His hot breath warming my face from behind. I settled back into his arms and we began to sway back and forth.
"Proclaiming my new years resolution to the stars. I just might need some back up. You know-someone to hold me accountable."
"You can tell me, I'll hold you... accountable."
"You have enough on your plate Mr. Cullen."
"Never." He said softly into my ear.
I turned in his arms to face him and wrapped my arms around his neck. I stood on my toes so I could whisper in his ear. "Thanks for being such a good friend to me. This past year - I would have never... it couldn't have been better if I'd dreamed it."
"Bella, it's only just begun."
Then his lips made it home and warmed mine. So soft, so sweet, so sensual. The perfect way to begin the new year and my new life.
~*X*~
It was close to midnight two weeks into the new year and I was almost sound asleep on the couch. Then I heard Rose on the other side of my door. "Bella! Bella!" She was trying to whisper and yell at the same time, it wasn't working.
"What is it?"
I opened the door and saw the worry on her face.
"It's Esme. Edward needs you to come over now."
Then my mind went on auto-pilot. I gathered my over night necessities not even registering what I was grabbing.
In minutes we were running out my door and down to her car.
There was no verbal exchange between us. I didn't know what to say.
In record time we were walking in Edward's door. Emmett and him both on the couch. Edward's hands buried in his hair looking down at the floor. Emmett staring out into nothing with his hand over his mouth.
"Babe," Emmett breathed as he rose from the couch to wrap his arms around her and bury his tear stained face into Rose's neck. She began to console him.
I approached Edward with caution, he still hadn't looked up, I reached forward and touched his wrist. "Edward?"
He slowly looked at me, and I saw the salt had stolen the glimmer from his eyes. What do I say? Is she...gone?
Then without saying a word he wrapped his arms around my waist and... cried. I soothed him by rubbing his back and fingering his hair. His grip on me was tight.
He then moved his face to the side to lie against my stomach, "I have to go to Forks. Would you stay here with Ethan?"
"Of course. Whatever you need to me to do."
He nodded his head.
Then like a switch he turned off his feelings. He stood before me, his face flush and wet. I dried his face with my hand, before he grabbed it and placed a chaste kiss in the center of my palm.
"I'm leaving you the Volvo. Use it. When everything gets settled, I'll contact you. I want you there."
I agreed.
"Edward is she...?"
"Not yet." he whispered.
"Go to her. She's waiting."
Then he turned and left. Emmett was gone with him, and Rose followed right behind. She was going back to her loft.
I went and checked on Ethan, he was sleeping like the angel that he was.
I passed by Edward's bedroom and looked in at his bed. He must have been asleep, his covers in disarray. I went in straightened up his bed and picked up one of his shirts from the floor. I smelled him all over it and slipped my shirt off, I changed into his and it was heavenly. I walked back into the living room and collapsed on the couch.
I scanned the room and my eyes fell on a picture of Esme, Carlisle and Ethan that was sitting on the mantle. My eyes filled with tears and quickly overflowed as I said a prayer for them all.
Sometime after that I drifted off to sleep, still praying.
~*X*~
Esme passed before Emmett and Edward reached her. Carlisle professed she held on as long as she could before her last breath escaped her and she moved on. Edward was a mess. When he finally was by her side he didn't want to leave. Carlisle and Emmett literally had to carry him away.
Emmett called to tell me of the arrangements. They had already been settled months ago. There was no friends and family visitation, only a private graveside service that involved her three men. That's all. It was how she wanted it.
Ethan and I headed out that next evening. I figured if I left late enough, maybe he could sleep some on the way to Forks. I went straight the Cullens. I was unsure if I was going to stay the night there or what, tomorrow was their service and I needed to be there for Edward. I carried Ethan to the front door. He was asleep and as soon as I opened the front door, Emmett met me and offered to take Ethan to his bedroom. I handed him over and asked, "Where's Edward?"
The house was dark and quiet, the joy and warmth was gone. The sadness overtook you as soon as you stepped inside the lonely walls. "He's upstairs in the sun room." Emmett answered not even looking me in the eyes.
I quickly made my way to the steps and closed my eyes as I walked through her bedroom. Edward was laying on her chaise lounge, still and quiet. When I approached him I saw that he had an empty liquor bottle in his hand. There was no acknowledgment of my arrival. He just stared into the night that was bare, yet hidden by the dark.
"Edward are you okay?'
No answer. I squatted down to kneel beside him.
"Edward you have an important day tomorrow. Let's get you in the bed." I threw his arm over my shoulder and somehow we staggered down the hall to his bedroom. I sat him on the bed and pulled off his shoes. I tugged at the edges of his t-shirt for him to let me remove it. I left his jeans on and pulled his covers back for him to lie down. I turned to leave and he grabbed my wrist. I looked at the pain in his face, the grief in his eyes and it broke my heart.
"Stay."
Of course. "Okay." I answered.
I walked around to the other side of the bed, slipped off my shoes and my jeans. Just in my long sleeve shirt and underwear, I scooted under the covers as he watched every move I made. He was sitting up and slightly swaying back and forth, the alcohol clearly numbing him from the inside out. He turned over to lay his head on my chest outside of the covers. I began to run my fingernails over his naked back, I was unsure how to return his favors of comforting.
He snuggled in closer and closer, until his head was almost hurting my chest. I traced my hands up his neck and into his hair. I moved my fingers forward and felt the wet trails running down his face. He sighed and then I heard him murmur into my chest. "Bella, I think I love you."
~*X*~
When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced.
Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.
Cherokee Expression
~*X*~
::waves:: Hi ya'll. You still love me right?
I hope you are reading Horseshoes & Hand Grenades: EPOV of ADC, it sheds some light on the prayer journal gift.
If you wanted to know what the convo was between Jacob & Edward it was posted on the Twi thread. You can bounce on over there & read it. Link on my profile.
This chapter held quite a few writing firsts for me, I hope I did it well. ~Stacy
Twitter: Mrs_Robward