Three weeks later marks the end of the school year and Ichigo doesn't know whether to cry or cheer. On one hand, they've just finished their penultimate year: only one more before they head off to medical school. On the other hand, Ishida might be studying abroad for the summer. Ichigo doesn't know if he could stand to go without seeing him for that long. He keeps thinking of how gorgeous Ishida is and how easily he could snare anyone else while Ichigo isn't there. Not to mention how much he would miss the man. It's been hard enough trying to squeeze in time together between finals, part-time jobs, and their various extra-curricular activities.
It also doesn't help that Ishida seems to be finding more things to occupy himself with the more Ichigo tries to be with him. He expected some hesitation, coming from a guy as emotionally dysfunctional as Ishida, but he's nearing his wit's end. Ichigo has tried every trick in his and Rukia's repertoire to get him to open up now that they're officially dating. The sex is still amazing—every single time—but Ichigo wants more than getting off. He wants idle banter and impassioned arguments. Quiet consideration and those piercing moments of affection that bring you to the razor-edge of bittersweet. He wants to feel like reaching out to Ishida is as easy as exchanging a meaningful glance.
Instead he is getting a litany of rejections. Cold tone, decreased contact. When they get together Ishida doesn't want to talk, just goes straight for Ichigo's belt. It's almost as if Ishida is determined to see them drift before they've really connected in the first place. And every time he brings it up Ishida shuts down or runs off.
Ichigo is not having it.
Rukia tells him not to force it. Tells him that Ishida has lived a solitary life and this will take time. Even more time than it took her to be close friends with Ishida in the first place. What she doesn't realize is that Ichigo is incapable of such saintly patience. He'll go insane before he can wait two years to have Ishida the way he wants to, not just in body but in mind and spirit as well.
So he does something he never imagined possible: he decides to withhold sex until Ishida stops acting like such a twit. The very idea has him scowling in trepidation. But it must be done. Ichigo has the terrible feeling that if something isn't resolved between them and Ishida studies abroad without him, he'll lose his chance forever. Thinking about moments like the night they spent talking and kissing before they slept innocently in Ichigo's bed has him craving that intimacy. Though it was never something he really thought about, he wonders now if his past relationships failed because they lacked exactly that element, the capability for a highly specific kind of contentment shared between two people.
It's more than enough to solidify his resolve.
"Hey, Ichigo," Rukia greets him with a grin at her door. "What brings you here this fine Saturday afternoon?"
"Hey," he smiles back. "I'm here to kidnap Ishida."
"Good luck. He's been locked in his room for the past three hours."
"Why?"
Shrugging, she closes the door behind him and follows him into the living room. Rukia collapses onto her couch in a flurry of paper, pastels, and paints littering every surface within a meter of her spot there. Her final is this project and it's due Monday morning, so it makes sense she'd be plugging away at it all weekend. He and Ishida, on the other hand, only have four finals this semester and three of them are already done and passed. The fourth one is next Friday morning, meaning they basically have the whole week to goof off if they want to.
"I like this part here," he tells her, pointing to a corner of canvas with a pair of bunnies hugging. Little hearts sprout above their heads in a Technicolor eruption.
"You would like that part. Guess who inspired it?"
Ichigo rolls his eyes and doesn't tell her that there's no way he and Ishida could be represented as rabbits. Maybe a dog and a cat or something. Then he thinks about how rabbits are infamous for reproduction and he blushes. Her laughter at that fades as he makes his way down the hall to Ishida's room. Knocking, he listens for the phrase of permission before entering. Ishida is lying belly-down on his bed with his feet perched up and a book between his braced elbows. The long fringe normally bordering the right side of his face is neatly pinned atop his head, out of the way while he studies. He's wearing white shorts and a blue striped tank top to match the late-spring weather spilling in through his open window.
Seeing Ichigo in his doorway, he pushes himself up to sit cross-legged on his bed.
"Kurosaki. I thought you had plans with Kojima and Asano tonight."
"Nah, they decided they need to study for their Monday finals."
"Unusually prudent of them."
"Mn."
Ishida doesn't clear a space and invite him to sit. Nor does he offer a greeting kiss. He doesn't even smile. Instead, he watches Ichigo with a neutral expression as he fidgets beside the closed door searching for a way to say this. How do you tell someone that they need to stop being so damned cold and just accept the fact that it's okay to like someone? How do you selfishly ask them to stay with you all summer when they could otherwise go to the UK and experience a new culture while gaining invaluable experience for your future career? How do you admit that these things are so important that you've decided to temporarily give up one of the most enjoyable hobbies a human could ever engage in?
"Did you want something, or do you intend to stand there and stare at me all day?"
And Ichigo is having a crisis. He is looking at Ishida's tight outfit, that cute hairstyle, and the spread of his magical fingers over the curves of his bare knees. He's thinking about the last time they were together—two days ago—and how it seems like an eternity now that Ishida is right in front of him. Scantily clad and lounging on a bed that smells like all the best parts of him. Ichigo's hands ball into fists on their own and he feels a drop of sweat slide down the side of his neck. Blue eyes appraise him knowingly, single eyebrow quirking minutely.
Then he is kneeling in front of Ishida, tasting his mouth and loosing a relieved groan against it. Ishida accepts it with warm tongue and warmer palms pulling him closer. Ichigo pushes him down and finds his absolute favorite place to be, snugly-fit between Ishida's long legs. His mind instantly clouds over with a pleasant haze. By the time he checks back in, both of their shirts are pushed up out of the way and Ishida is reaching for his pants. He gasps and jerks away from him.
"Shit, no, we can't—"
"If you're worried about Rukia, I really doubt she'd mind," Ishida murmurs low, looking right at Ichigo's mouth. "You don't want to know how many times she's joked about sneaking in on us…"
"That's not—she what? No, I wasn't thinking about Rukia."
"I should hope not."
"I didn't mean to kiss you."
"You mean to tease me instead?"
"No, damn it, Ishida!" Extricating himself from Ishida's arms is never, ever easy. It's a million times harder when they're both excited but somehow he manages it. "I'm saying I can't sleep with you."
"Then why did you come here?"
"That's why."
"What?"
"If you can't think of any other reason that I'd want to see you than that I want sex, I'm not making myself clear."
"Elucidate, then," he says with folded arms and the beginnings of a glare.
"All you ever want to do is have sex."
"Your point is…?"
Growling in irritation at the situation in general, Ichigo rubs a hand over his face and turns away from him. Wishing it could be simpler does no good. It never will. Yet, that doesn't stop him from doing it.
"Look, I came over to say 'don't go'. Don't do that program overseas because I don't want you to be gone for even one day, much less eight weeks. I don't want to miss you more than I already do whenever we're not together."
Ichigo's eyes are locked onto the floor. He's too afraid to see Ishida's reaction to his short, sappy monologue. From what he knows of his pseudo-boyfriend, however, it's probably not going over well. The harsh words 'get out' are soon to come. Ishida will do his program and dump Ichigo over the phone halfway through it. He'll find someone more than willing to eschew emotion for the modern marvel that is Ishida's body and the things it can do. All because Ichigo never was any good at talking about his feelings.
"Kurosaki, you…" His gentle timbre widens Ichigo's eyes and has them swiveling sideways to see. Ishida is regarding him with uncertainty. "You can't ask things like that."
"Yes, I can. I can, Ishida, because we're dating and I should get some say in our immediate future."
"'Our future'? I think you have the wrong idea—"
"No, it's you who has the wrong idea! Being in a relationship with someone isn't just messing around all the time."
"What gave you the notion that I wanted a relationship?" Ishida demands, finally showing some anger. "You're the one who wouldn't leave me alone. Who tricked me into sleeping with you in the first place? It was you, Kurosaki, who asked me out and pestered me until I said yes!"
"Only because I knew you'd want to if you just let yourself relax for half a second," he can't help shouting. Ichigo is beyond fed up with Ishida's self-delusions and half-truths. "You can't honestly tell me that you'd rather I never bothered you, can you?"
Ishida doesn't answer right away. In fact, he doesn't answer at all. His eyes find a section of the floor to stare at as his lips press into a discomfited line. Ichigo feels the fire drain right out of him and pain slips in to take its place. He never imagined in a million years that he'd be the one getting heartbroken over a boy. That sort of thing is supposed to stay in stupid sappy movies and not invade his life with its bruising reality.
Then again, Ichigo never really thought he would fall this hard for someone, either.
His chest tightens and strains his next breath. It rasps in with the cold burn of winter wind and nearly chokes him. A hand reaches out to the wall to steady him as his world shifts, accommodating the idea that Ishida doesn't really care about him. That Ichigo has basically been selfishly harassing him for months. Nothing but physical attraction is reciprocated. How could he have been so wrong about everything?
"Kurosaki..." comes a concerned murmur at last. "What is it? You look ill."
"Don't worry, Ishida, I'm not gonna puke on your carpet," he sneers, tightening his fist and gritting his teeth.
"What are you talking about? I'm not worried about the carpet—"
"Actually, I'm not gonna do anything to you ever again." Ishida stands and starts to approach but stops at Ichigo's raised hand. "You were right all along: I'm an idiot. A complete moron who thought you—" Ichigo cuts himself off before he says something irrevocable out loud. He meets Ishida's sharp gaze and says, "I'm sorry I've been such a fucking nuisance. I won't bother you anymore."
Ichigo rips the door open and walks out without waiting for the reply. He doesn't need to hear any placating commiseration, doesn't want to see the pitying pinch in Ishida's eyes—or worse, nothing at all. So when Ishida stops him with a firm hand on his wrist, Ichigo refuses to turn around.
"Kurosaki, wait a second. What are you saying?"
"Isn't it obvious?" he says towards the hallway. Rukia has gone still at the couch but she has the decency not to stare at them making a scene in Ishida's doorway. "I'm breaking up with you. I know when we started this I said I was fine with it just being about sex, but I can't do it anymore, Ishida. I love you too much."
The final sentence gets a startled gasp from him and he drops Ichigo's arm faster than a venomous snake. It adds another layer of hurt on top of everything and it has Ichigo squeezing his eyes shut for a second before he resumes motion, fleeing the apartment like his life depends on it.
Ishida doesn't stop him this time.
Rukia finds him five days later facedown on the floor of his living room. He had bent over to pick up a sock and just...followed through with the earthward motion. Because why bother to stand back up when all he wants to do is sleep for the next three years?
"This is too pathetic, Ichigo," she shrills directly above him in her drill-instructor voice, "Even for you. Get up!"
With a sound part-sigh and part-grunt, he pushes up to a sitting position and glances at her disinterestedly. Rukia scoffs and starts to drag him the rest of the way off the floor. He goes unwillingly enough, making her petite frame strain more than he really should.
"What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be going on a road trip with Renji for the break?"
"As if I could leave knowing you'd be in this state!" Stronger than she looks, Rukia shoves him down the hall and into his bathroom despite his resistance. "Take a shower, Ichigo. You stink. When's the last time you spared a thought about hygiene? No, don't answer that...Hurry up, I'll wait here."
Seeing no easier way to get rid of her than to do what she says, Ichigo rolls his eyes and shuts the door in her face so he can get naked and wash. As with everything he has done in the almost week since he broke up with Ishida, he goes through the motions without really thinking about what he's doing. It's too hard to care about anything other than the lancing pain of loss he feels every time a stray thought of Ishida passes through his mind. Which is often.
Ichigo must have considered running over to apologize and plead five million times by now. But he knows it's no good. There's nothing he can say to Ishida to change his mind if he doesn't already feel that way about Ichigo. All he can do is hope time eventually dulls the ache.
"I'm clean. Happy?" he snaps as soon as he emerges dressed and refreshed. "Will you leave now?"
"Not until you stop making that face."
"This is how my face is, Rukia. You've seen it before, haven't you? So stop pestering me and go have fun with your boyfriend!"
His voice breaks on the last word and they stare at each other in silence until Rukia's anger melts to sadness. She steps close to pull him into a tight hug. Ichigo lets her hold him because they both could use it. He knows it must be hard on her, too, stuck in the middle of two close friends falling out like this. At least she doesn't have to see Ishida moping around like Ichigo has been all week. He hasn't even bothered studying for his remaining final exam tomorrow morning.
"You're not this stupid, Ichigo," she draws back to say. "You should know better."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Uryuu made me promise not to talk to you…but you know I can't keep a secret to save my life," Rukia mutters darkly. "At this rate, it seems neither of you is going to man-up and approach the other, so I don't have much choice."
"Don't bother. It doesn't matter. If this is what Ishida wants, then—"
"He was crying," she interjects with a rough whisper. Ichigo is too stunned to respond; there's no way he heard that right. "That day you came to the apartment and wound up breaking up with him, he cried after you left. Ichigo, I had never seen him shed so much as a single tear before, but I heard him through the door…"
"What?"
"He might've kept at it the next day, too. I don't know because he locked himself in his room. Didn't even come out for dinner. And when I tried to talk to him about it he shot me down. Practically bit my head off and threatened to move out if I didn't leave it alone."
"Why would he…why would Ishida cry for something like that if he didn't want to be with me in the first place?"
"That's what I'm saying, you dunce." Rukia's muted attempt at a rebuke is too soft to sting. Her eyes gloss with emotion and Ichigo feels the telltale welling in his own. "That's not what he wanted. He just couldn't admit that to himself, and especially to you. I know Uryuu better than anyone. He loves you, Ichigo."
The statement crashes over him like an avalanche, freezing and suffocating for the mistake he has made. Ichigo steps around her to collapse onto the sofa. He rests his head in his open hands and breathes around the tightening in his chest. Gently perching beside him, Rukia's light arm snakes around his waist in a half-hug. She offers silent support and waits for him to speak.
"I was so sure it was all in my head…"
"It isn't."
"There's no way he could be that confused!"
"He is."
"You're sure?"
"I am. You have to go to him, Ichigo." Suddenly urgent, she pushes his hands away to look him firmly in the eye. "Before he leaves for that internship and you can't see each other for two months! Uryuu can pretend all he wants, but losing you like this will destroy him. If you care about him, you can't let that happen."
"I won't. I'll go talk to him," he swears. "Where is he?"
"Come on."
They spend the better part of the evening trying to track Ishida down. Rukia admits that he hasn't been home much lately, nor has he been in the mood to answer texts and calls. They even go so far as to visit Ishida's father at the hospital. Of course, he has no clue about anything going on with his son but at least he agrees to contact them if he sees him.
Hours later they stop for a quick dinner after a sweep through campus. Ichigo is starting to get worried. He keeps picturing Ishida miserable and lonely in a dark corner somewhere. This mental image carries them through searching for the rest of the night. Finally, Rukia calls it a night and heads home with a promise to start fresh after Ichigo's exam the next day. She leaves him at his apartment with the command to study and pass it because failing a class isn't going to help anything. After some coaxing, Ichigo promises to do as he is told, though he can't imagine being able to study at a time like this.
Just opening his textbook makes him think of Ishida and all the times they've done homework or crammed together. He flips sullenly through its pages to the relevant chapter and starts skimming. It's not as if he doesn't already know this stuff. Ishida's proclivity for academia extends to those around him through mental osmosis. The sheer force of his genius has boosted Ichigo's grades all semester anyway. He could pretty much fail the exam and still pass the class. Figures Ishida wouldn't let him fail over something dumb like pining after him. Hell, he'd probably tease Ichigo for being hopelessly sentimental if he were here now.
A fat drop of water hits the page, sinking in and warping the print before Ichigo realizes where it came from. Startled, he wipes at his eyes and finds more moisture there. Ichigo growls in irritation at himself and throws the book across the room. It hits the floor with a jarring thud and falls open to a random page. Knowing his luck, it's probably the one Ishida was reading when they first met in the library.
Just like that, his frustration shifts to sorrow.
A soft knocking at the door has him brushing away the fresh tears. Assuming it's Rukia anticipating his complete inability to be productive, he stays planted in his seat and calls, "Come in." Hearing the door open and shut again, Ichigo grumbles without looking up. "Look, I gave it my best shot, okay? There's just no way I can study like this, Rukia. I can barely—"
Ishida is standing in his living room. Jolting to his feet, Ichigo turns to gape at him in shock. Of all the people to show up at his door…Ichigo can't help noticing that he looks very tired. His hair is not as shiny as usual and slightly mussed besides. Eyes dark-rimmed behind uneven glasses. Finally, Ishida's slouched posture is a far cry from his usual proud stance.
"I-I know I must be the last person you want to see right now, Kurosaki, but please hear me out. I'll be quick and say what I came to tell you and then I'll leave if you want. Just…just hear me out, okay?" Thoroughly dumbstruck, Ichigo couldn't speak if his life depended on it. He mutely nods and Ishida takes a steadying breath before beginning. "I am a fool. My whole life has been about keeping myself safe—my sanity, my pride, and most importantly my heart. I've gotten very good at protecting against the myriad dangers of unkind people. But I took it too far. When I finally met someone who deserved to be let in, I pushed you away."
"Ishida, you—"
"Please…let me finish?" The way Ishida is looking at him has Ichigo yearning to reach for him. Respecting his wishes, he stays put and quiet. "I hurt you, Kurosaki. You cared for me a great deal and I threw it back in your face. If I were a better person it would never have happened. I know I can't take back the frustration and pain you've suffered because of me, but I have to apologize anyway. I'm so sorry, Ichigo."
Wincing as if he hadn't meant to use his given name like that, Ishida's gaze lowers to the floor in shame. Ichigo can't stand it anymore. He crosses the distance between them and grabs him by the shoulders. Wide blue eyes fly to his and Ichigo's heart twinges to see him so vulnerable. Not knowing whether Ichigo is planning to throw him out or lock him in. The uncertainty is so nerve-racking for someone as poised and meticulous as Ishida that he's actually trembling.
"You idiot."
"I know. I'm sor—" Of course Ichigo kisses him. Arms wrap around and Ishida makes a surprised sound before melting into it. Ichigo breaks away after a moment but only so he can hold him closer, hand at the back of his neck and straining to feel Ishida's heartbeat against his. Ishida's next words are tight with emotion. "I'm sorry, Ichigo. I was so stupid. I love you."