Chapter Ten
How To Be a Macho Man

Akhnan Ibn Nazzir was watching Alanna cook some breakfast over a fire. "That food is corrupted, my precious!" he hissed to his fabulous crystal sword.

Alanna ate her breakfast and gave one of the Bazhir tribesmen a high-five.

"That man is corrupted!" Ibn Nazzir wailed.

Someone's dog came up to Alanna and licked her hand.

"CORRUPTION!" Ibn Nazzir cried. "We're all being corrupted, precious! We hates that nasty cross-dresser!" He retreated into a dark corner, wearing nothing but his loincloth, and stroked the crystal sword.

"I'm getting really sick of that old coot and his senile ravings!" Alanna roared. "Somebody needs to put that geezer in a home already!"

"We tried," said Kourrem, one of the kids who followed Alanna around. "But Ibn Nazzir just spat at us and started muttering about his precious. Then he said the nursing home was corrupted and set it on fire."

"That nursing home is corrupted!" wailed Ibn Nazzir, who had somehow been eavesdropping. "The cross-dresser will corrupt you all and steal our precioussss!"

Alanna growled in a ferocious manner. "This is getting ridiculous. Isn't there anyone who can make this crazy old geezer behave himself?"

"Don't ask me," said Ali Mukhtab, who was lying in bed surrounded by several of his cats. "I'm too busy dying and spending time with my furballs." He scratched one of the cats behind the ears. "Have I mentioned that this one is named Prince Ali-nathan? It's like Prince Jonathan plus Ali!"

"I'm a little disturbed by that," said Alanna. "And don't you dare say that cat is corrupted!" she added, scowling at Ibn Nazzir.

"We weren't going to say anything, precious!" he spat at her.

"He really needs to do something about that speech impediment," said Kara, one of the other kids who followed Alanna around.

"And that loincloth," added Faithful. "There's a little thing called indecent exposure, buddy!"

"I've had enough of this nonsense," Alanna declared. "I swear if I hear the word 'precious' one more time, I'm going to shove my boot up somebody's windpipe! Now let's settle this once and for all, you miserable old coot." She marched over to Ibn Nazzir, who was gazing adoringly at his crystal sword, and put her bare hands on his wrinkled old skin. Ibn Nazzir began to shriek.

"It burnsss us!" he hissed. "Wicked cross-dresser corrupts us!"

"How would you like to wear a nice dress, Ibn Nazzir?" Alanna threatened. "A beautiful pink ball gown with tassels and bows. Maybe some sequined high heels and a sparkly purse to go with it."

"STOP!" Ibn Nazzir cried, clamping his hands over his ears. "It kills us!"

"And you know what would really look dazzling on you?" Alanna dropped her voice to a dangerous whisper. "Some nice scarlet lipstick."

"NOOOO!"

Suddenly a puff of smoke erupted and Ibn Nazzir was gone, never to return.

"That was too easy," said Faithful. "And look, he left his precious behind!"

The crystal sword lay glittering in the sand, looking much trendier and more fabulous than all the other tacky weapons in the desert. When Alanna picked up the sword, she could have sworn she heard Roger's voice say, "Don't go there, girlfriend!" but she must have been imagining it.

"Well, looks like you're the village shaman now, Alanna," said Halef Seif. "Congrats! And as a bonus prize, you have to train those three kiddos who have been following you around this whole time. Lucky you! They happen to be the three wimpiest kids in the village."

"It's true," said the boy, Ishak, letting out a forlorn sigh. "I've always been a wuss. The little girls in the village are always giving me wedgies and asking me why I'm hitting myself. It's so cruel!"

"Then from this day forward," Alanna growled, "I'm going to whip you sissies into shape!"

A few hours later, Kara, Kourrem, and Ishak, the wimpiest kids in the village, were cowering in the sand while Alanna marched up and down in a pair of combat boots. Alanna blew a loud blast on a whistle, making the kids jump.

"All right, ladies!" she roared, ignoring the fact that Iskak was a boy. "If you want to be manly men, first you have to develop manly habits! I want you all to take these strips of beef jerky and gnaw on them as ferociously as you can."

She handed out beef jerky to the three kids. Kara started to nibble slowly on her piece and Alanna blew the whistle again.

"WRONG!" she bellowed. "Real men don't nibble their jerky. You've got to tear into it, like this." She demonstrated by ripping into the jerky with her teeth.

"I think I've got the hang of it!" said Kourrem. She gnawed on her beef jerky in a somewhat manly way.

"Keep practicing!" Alanna shouted. "Only real men get ahead in life! I used to know this kid named Francis and he was a total wuss. This kid was such a sissy, he got completely sweaty and couldn't handle the sheer manliness of it, so he died. Don't end up like Francis!"

Meanwhile, Raoul was riding his horse through the woods and cried, "FRANCIS! I didn't say you could be a wimp!"

Gary threw his hands in the air. "Dear Mithros, will it ever stop? I need to find Raoul a new catchphrase."

Back in the desert, Alanna continued her manliness training. "Your next lesson in manliness is beer drinking," she roared to the three wimpy kids. "Once you have mastered the art of gnawing on beef jerky, I want you all to guzzle down a six-pack! The first one to pass out gets a wedgie! Do you understand?"

Ishak shuddered. "Not another wedgie! I can't take anymore!" He managed to guzzle down his six-pack of beer without passing out, though he did get so drunk that he tried dancing a waltz with Faithful and got his face scratched. Kara and Kourrem were both puking in the sand.

"I suppose that's enough manliness for one day," said Alanna. "But I want you up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to do some pushups!"

When Alanna went to bed that night, she found herself dreaming about the most glamorous corpse in all of Tortall. She saw Roger's body in her dream, dressed fabulously in a robe that perfectly matched his shoes, and was annoyed that his hair was as lustrous as ever. She never did manage to find out what shampoo he used.

Suddenly, Roger's corpse opened his eyes. "Boo!" he shouted. "Where did you find those clothes, girlfriend? The thrift store? I might have been dead all this time, but fashion doesn't sleep!"

Alanna was so horrified, she woke up and started screaming.

Ishak poked his head into her tent. "I thought real men didn't scream," he pointed out obnoxiously.

"You want a wedgie, twerp?" Alanna roared.

Ishak squealed and ran off.

To make matters even worse, Alanna soon received a letter from her brother Thom, who had moved into the palace and was rapidly becoming Corus' expert on sewing, embroidery, and interior decorating. The queen gave him a massive reward after he completely redecorated her bedroom and advised her to change her outdated hairdo.

Dear Alanna, (Thom wrote)

The palace is full of idiots. That girl Delia who used to hang around Roger keeps making the most horrendous fashion mistakes, the stupid girl. I wanted to gouge my eyes out when she showed up for dinner in a red dress with an orange hair ribbon. It totally clashed! Delia's useful, though. In exchange for my fashion tips, she's promised to show me where Roger hid all of his beauty secrets, including his shampoo. Soon I'll have the silkiest hair in Corus.

I heard you've been living with a bunch of desert men lately. Don't you know how tacky they are? I'd rather set myself on fire than wear robes and sandals all the time. How can you stand it? Anyway, I've been consoling myself by burning all of Roger's old clothes. Fashions have changed since you killed him. If you ever decide to jazz up the desert tribesmen, you know who to call.

Love, Thom

"And this, kiddies," said Alanna, showing Thom's letter to Kara, Kourrem, and Ishak, "is exactly what you DON'T want to be!"