Not a Criminal

"Sir?"

Jim jerked awake, his head slipping off his hand as he looked around wildly. "Huh?"

"I can take you back now," the officer held the ring of keys.

"Ah. Okay. Great," Jim said. He jumped up from the chair. He felt uncommonly uncomfortable as he looked around the empty lobby. "Sounds good."

The other man mmmhmm'ed as he gave Jim a second look. His name was…it was…something. Officer something of the Something Something PD. He had told it to Jim at least three times in the last hour, repeating it like he somehow knew Jim was struggling to retain it. In Jim's defense, it was four in the morning and he still wasn't entirely sure this wasn't some surrealist hallucination brought on by the mountain air. Regardless of if it was, Jim still followed Officer Something down the hall. The whole place was dark. Of course it was. As previously noted, it was four in the morning. People weren't intended to need light at four in the morning. They were intended to be sleeping.

Until an hour ago, Jim had been sleeping.

It had been nice; he totally recommended it.

"We were going to wait til morning to call you," the officer said. "But the angry one kept yelling, so…"

The angry one. Bones.

Jim nodded absently, eyeing the door they'd stopped in front of. It was old. In fact, the whole place was old, like a monument from the past left to fend for itself. Jim was from Iowa, but this place managed to outdo even that. Kudos for them.

"But they're alright, right?"

The officer laughed darkly, swinging his keys around his finger.

"Well," he said idly. "The skinny guy got a little banged up when he fell."

Skinny guy. Spock.

"The giggling idiot broke his hand when he punched the car window. The little fella can't hold his liquor, so he's a little jumpy. The woman is terrifying, so I didn't actually get a good look at her."

The giggling idiot. Scotty.

The little fella. Chekov.

The woman. Uhura.

"And then Lieutenant Sulu is alright. Filthy as all holy hell, but alright."

Jim frowned. "You know Sulu?"

The officer looked over his shoulder as he unlocked the door.

"Nah. But he kept yelling his name and rank at us."

Jim bit the inside of his lip, shooting for a look of stony annoyance. That's what was expected, right? That's what Bones usually did and he was the only authority Jim had on this sort of thing.

"What about the angry one?"

"Well…he's angry," the officer said blunty. "We kept the handcuffs on him, just to be safe. He's wilier than he looks, I'll give 'em that."

"And the other officer…"

"Isn't pressing charges," the officer assured him. "Frankly Mr. Kirk, we all just got a hoot out of the whole thing."

Jim sighed. "I appreciate that. And the angry one will too, once he calms down. He's not usually like this, I swear."

"Mmmhmmm," the officer repeated as he pulled the door open. "You wanna few minutes alone before I let them out?"

Oh God. Act cool. Don't smile. You're supposed to be angry.

"Yeah," Jim nodded thoughtfully. "Better read them the riot act and all that, you know?"

The officer nodded and wordlessly gestured him through the open door. Jim shook his hand and walked in.

Now, on a good day, this was his team. The tops. Starfleet's best and brightest and Jim's personal, hand-picked favorites. They had deserved a vacation. The Enterprise needed a minor refit, so why not give the whole crew a week off? They were in Nebraska for fuck's sake.

What trouble could they possible get up to in Nebraska? Jim had thought. They'll be fine. I can spend the day away. They can handle 16 hours without me.

There was only one cell (because it was Nebraska) and one half-ass light flickered in front of it. Jim took a minute to really soak the experience in. This was new. He hadn't expected new in Nebraska.

He leaned back on the heels of shoes and dropped his hands into his pocket, to better take in the big picture.

Because what a picture it was.

The officer had warned him of the mud, but he hadn't done it justice. They were all covered in it. Uhura had it matted in her hair, Scotty was wearing a mask of it, and Bones was dripping it off the hems of his pants. Chekov and Sulu had it up to their necks. Every part of Spock was soaked in it, except for his shirt, which was very clearly a gift from someone at the police station. It was four sizes too big for his small frame. It was also bright orange and said "Kansas City Slew Rollers" across the front.

Jim didn't know what a slew roller was, but he sure as hell knew his first officer was not one.

Scotty's hand was wrapped in a clean bandage that stuck out against the mud. He kept it cradled against his chest as he slept against the corner. He wasn't giggling anymore.

Sulu was also on the floor, leaning against the wall away from the group.

Spock was on the end of the bench, his arms folded over his new shirt and Uhura's head on his shoulder. Chekov was lying next to her, folded awkwardly to keep everything on the bench. He was snoring quietly.

And then there was Bones.

The angry one.

He was at the other end of the bench. Like Officer Something had said, he was still handcuffed, so he kept his hands dropped to his lap. His shirt was ripped up one of the sleeves, showing even more mud underneath. His head dipped down to his chest as he slept.

Jim hated to wake them up, but goddamn was he excited.

There had been a time when Jim had been a criminal. He had accepted that long ago. It had just been part of who he was. So he liked to get into trouble. Big deal. But he'd moved on. The last time he'd been arrested was at the academy and that hadn't been trouble, so much as just one giant misunderstanding. Bones had picked him up, because that's what Bones does, and he had been angry. Beyond angry. It had been terrifying and humiliating to listen to the lecture Bones had given him before he would let the officer release him. Nobody gave the riot act like Bones did, that was for damn sure. So Jim knew he could never compete with that, objectively. He should be angry, but he wasn't, because this was the greatest thing that could have ever happened in Nebraska.

He cleared his throat and whistled the same boatswain whistle they all knew so instinctively.

Chekov yelped as he dropped off the bench. Uhura's head slipped off Spock's shoulder. Scotty rubbed at his eyes. Bones face pinched but he kept his eyes closed.

"Well, well, well," Jim braced himself on the bars of the cell as he looked at them all. "How the mighty fall."

They all landed at various point on the drunk scale, ranging from Spock who looked completely unfazed to Sulu, who was still passed out. Bones shook his head a few times, squinting at Jim until he could make him out fully.

"Jim," he said, pushing off the bench and stumbling over to the bars. He tripped a little over Scotty but plowed on ahead. "Jim. How was your trip?"

It was the strangest thing, being on the other side of this conversation. Usually, it's Jim making the desperate, wild grasps to try and change the topic. He hoped to God his were a little more convincing than Bones'.

"It's cute that you think that'll actually work," he said, shaking his head. Bones barely missed a beat before raising an eyebrow.

"Aw, do you really think I'm cute?" he smirked. A challenge if Jim ever heard one. He leaned in closer and gave a purposefully unsubtle leer.

"When you aren't covered in mud and handcuffed, yeah," he said. "You can be pretty cute."

"What? I woulda figured you for a dirty handcuff kind of guy."

"Oh, well, I'm always up for something ne-"

"I have to pee," Scotty whined from the floor, cutting Jim off mid-innuendo. His good arm was blocking his eyes from the light. "And my hand is broken. Please…could ya not?"

Jim and Bones both took a step back. Bones cleared his throat.

"Scotty's just mad because Uhura locked him in a car with a chicken," he said defensively.

"What?" Uhura snapped. She pushed off of the wall, as terrifying as the officer had said. "I did not. That was Sulu and Chekov! I just caught the chicken for them."

"That makes you equal parts guilty, Nyota," Spock muttered quietly. "The chicken was the main reason for concern."

Uhura waved a hand to shush him. She then pointed a finger at McCoy.

"He's the one who told me that Scotty was afraid of chickens! And he found the car in the shed. If Scotty hadn't broken that window, the police would never had been involved. This is his fault."

"Me? Hell no. Spock was the one who said we should go to the farm!"

Spock looked patiently up at Jim.

"Captain, I merely pointed out the barn as a focal point of interest," he said. "I did not intend for Mr. Scott to break a car window nor did I wish to fall into the well."

"Yeah, but you did and who had to pull you out? Me. And look where that got me," Bones shook the handcuffs. "Some thanks I get."

"I did not ask you to assault the police officer, Doctor," Spock said. "You took that initiative on your own."

Bones rolled his eyes and turned back to Jim.

"They wouldn't let me help," he explained. "I thought he had broken his neck."

"I told you I was fine more than three times before you decided to rescue me. If my neck had been broken, how would I have accomplished that?"

"I don't know! But I'm startin' to wish I had left you down there," Bones snapped.

"I was already making progress without your assistance, I could have made it unaided," he bristled uncomfortably. "And if we really are set on placing blame, it was Mr. Scott's idea to go to the bar."

"Of course it was," Scotty muttered miserably from the floor. "What else were we going to do?"

"We could have not trespassed," Spock said quietly. "Dr. McCoy could have not tackled that officer. Mr. Chekov could have not gotten stuck in the mud."

"I lost a shoe, Captain," Chekov said, looking up at Jim from the floor.

"We'll get you a new one," Jim promised. "As soon as we get back."

"Speaking of that, I still have to pee," Scotty called loudly. "And my hand is still broken."

"Your fear of chickens is irrational and you deserve it," Uhura said coolly.

"Okay, that's probably enough…" Jim sighed.

"Your boyfriend fell in a well, you have no right to talk," Bones turned to her.

"Guys…"

"You punched a police officer," Uhura pointed out. "Talk about irrational."

"No, Scotty's fear of chickens is irrational," Bones said.

"I already said that!"

"Well I said it again!"

"I have to pee!"

"ENOUGH!"

Everyone turned to look at Jim. "Just…enough, okay? You guys want out of here or not?"

"Christ, yes. I have to pee," Scotty said, heaving himself up so he could stumble towards the door.

Bones and Uhura glared at each other another moment before breaking off.

"One day. I'm gone one day and this is what happens," Jim told them all as headed to go find the officer. He opened the door and popped his head out.

"I think we're all good to go now, Officer," he said, forcing his face into a frown for appearance's sake.

Officer Something jumped up from his seat and pushed past Jim, pulling out his ring of keys. The officer cocked an eyebrow at the assembled band of criminals.

"You guys learn your lesson?"

They all nodded, except for Sulu, who was still asleep in the corner. Oh yeah. Jim had totally forgotten about him. The officer mmmmhmmm'ed one last time before opening the cell door. Scotty jumped out first, followed by Uhura and Spock standing shoulder to shoulder. Chekov bent down to drag Sulu to the door. The lieutenant blinked over to Jim.

"Captain?" he slurred.

"Lieutenant," Jim nodded. "You okay?"

"I…don't know...?"

"Okay," Jim smiled, patting the man on the shoulder as he passed.

Bones brought up the rear, looking guilty as he watched the officer undo the cuffs.

"I didn't mean to hit that officer," he blurted out. "Well I did…but I don't usually. I'm a doctor."

The officer raised an eyebrow, but turned back to talk directly to Jim.

"Don't let it happen again."

Jim nodded quickly, pulling Bones through the door by his wrist. "You can count on that, officer. He really is a doctor. He doesn't do this kind of stuff. Look at him, he can't handle it."

"Mmmmhmmm," the officer said, pocketing the keys. "Have a good night, gentlemen."

Bones walked entirely too close to him as they left the station, trailing behind the others. They were in Nebraska, so they were stuck walking the entire way back to hotel. This time, with no pit stops at barns with wells and chickens and cars.

Bones tilted his head until he could see the moon and he sighed. He smiled when he caught Jim looking at him.

"What?"

"Nothing," Jim shrugged, but Bones continued to stare. "Just…hell of a story you guys got now."

"Oh yeah, I can't wait to call home to my mother about this one."

Jim laughed, watching the bright color of Spock's shirt as he walked.

"Well, I liked it. I think this sort of thing is good for you."

"Physically assaulting a police officer is good for me? Are you insane? Have you been drinking?"

"Not as much as you guys, apparently. Chekov can't even walk straight."

"That's because he's missing a shoe, Jim."

"Oh, right," Jim remembered.

Bones' shoulder was digging into his now and it was distracting. But he didn't want to say anything. They slipped into silence for a few minutes, listening to Chekov catching Sulu up on what had happened since he passed out. Jim definitely hadn't taken Sulu as a lightweight, so he was kind of excited about what he could do with that information. Same with Scotty's fear of chickens. He couldn't believe Bones had never told him that. That is definitely something you tell to everyone you possibly can. Still, locking him in the car with one was drastic and a little bit twisted, so Jim was quickly changing his mind about messing with Sulu in the future.

"Is Scotty's hand going to be alright?"

"He's fine. It might not even be broken. The police station didn't have a med kit, can you believe that? It's like the goddamn Spanish Inquisition down here."

"Sometimes I worry about where you learned your history."

"Well it's true! I mean, Scotty could have bled out on the floor and they wouldn't have been able to do a thing about it."

"You know ambulances are a thing, right?"

"And what if Spock had really broken his neck? What was their plan? Just leave him there? Of course I had to go get him! You think I wanted you to come back from your trip to learn that your first officer was lying dead in a bottom of a well? Of all the shoddy, rundown, backwoods places I have been to, this really takes the cake."

Jim stopped in the middle of the street. "Are you done?"

Bones folded his arms.

"Yeah."

"Okay, good," Jim started up again.

"I just don't think it's very appropriate to let Spock die in a well, is all. That doesn't make me the bad guy here."

Jim sighed and stopped again. They could there all night if he didn't doing something.

"And he wasn't even thankful! Not one bit. After he got us in to that whole mess, he had the indecency to—"

"Do you wanna get pancakes?"

The angry expression fell off Bones' face ridiculously fast.

"Yeah, okay."

"Hey, guys," Jim called to the rest. "Pancakes?"