"Lunacy"
They thought they were looking at the victim of a serial rapist operating from a cab. The statement of his latest living victim had been gripping. The woman wished he had just killed her. The new victim that had been fished out of the river, was indeed dead. The most interesting part Melinda had to tell them was that despite being only 35 years old, the woman had the bones of a sixty-year old. Also, she was probably European so they would try to get an ID through a retinal scan.
Meanwhile, Fin and Munch had a lead on the cab driver. Olivia was to be the bait to catch him red handed. She got dressed up, put on a blonde wig and would have to carry a number of bags. Blondes with shopping bags were his targets.
'You look nice,' Elliot told her when she emerged from the cribs. 'Cheap, but nice.'
'Funny,' she shot back. She didn't mind dressing up like this occasionally but it was never nice to be called cheap. The red dress really wasn't so bad but the wig and the necklace were really off. But she would need to stand out and get some attention so it would have to do.
'Stabler, I thought you liked blondes,' Fin commented with a smirk.
Elliot raised an eyebrow and looked at her again, letting his eyes roam slowly from her feet all the way up to her wig. He shook his head and winked at her.
'Liv looks much better with dark hair,' he said and smiled at her.
The way he was looking at her made her stomach flutter a bit. He never checked her out this openly but he was certainly taking advantage of the opportunity. She threw her fake hair back in a dramatic fashion and took his arm.
'Let's go handsome. The sooner we get this guy, the sooner I can go back to my own color.'
...
The bust was too easy and once they threw in the murder charge, their perp confessed to all the rapes. But he maintained he had never killed anyone and even produced an additional rape in another state as an alibi. It was confirmed and they felt like they were back to square one, until Melinda came in with new information. The retinal scan had produced the identification of their victim and her low bone density was no longer a mystery: Marga Janssen was a Belgian astronaut.
Marga was supposed to give a speech at a week long space symposium at the New York Hall of Science so that was where they were headed. Elliot said he had always wanted to be an astronaut. He had never told her that and she smiled. She tried to picture him as an adventurous young man but somehow she couldn't. For as long as she had known him, he had always been the serious, responsible one.
At the symposium they ran into an old friend of his, Colonel Richard Finley.
'Now you've been my partner for what, ten years, and you never once told me that you know an astronaut?'
She didn't know why she felt the need to stress how long she and Elliot had been together but there was no time for self analysis. Elliot grinned and his quick reply caught her off guard.
'Like I need the competition.'
She was glad Finley continued the conversation, saying it looked like Elliot was doing just fine. The older man was very charming and was hitting on her right away. She was flattered but not really interested. Elliot's excitement about meeting this man was fascinating though. Finley offered to help out when they told him why they were there. They ran a few leads that Finley and Marga's girlfriend supplied them with but they weren't getting anywhere. They had lunch together with Finley, who was only too happy to share stories about the good old days. He'd been in space but his life long dream had been to go to the moon.
She asked Elliot how he and the astronaut had met. He started telling her the story and she had never seen him so enthusiastic. He went on and on about how he had bribed someone to call in sick one time so he could be the one to pick Finley up for a visit to his old high school. Finley had also been the one to get him into the marines.
Later, Finley brought all the fan mail over, so they could go over it with Huang to maybe flush out a suspect. Finley pointed them to Anton, a huge fan of Marga's who told them he and the astronaut had been very close. He had written to her often and although she had never written him back, in his head they had a strong bond. But they couldn't pin anything on him and had to let him go.
'Hey Olivia.'
She looked at the young man who greeted her and was genuinely surprised.
'Dickie? Look how tall you are!'
It was Elliot's son, who told her he wanted to be called Dick now. Elliot wanted him to meet the man he was named after. It was nice to see Elliot in this role of proud father and proud friend at the same time. Finley told them that a kid this handsome had to be named Dick. Dickie smiled and Olivia just watched the scene in front of her. All of that male bonding made her take a step back. Elliot was practically glowing and she took the opportunity to really look at him. He was so relaxed now. She was used to seeing him serious, concentrated, often angry or on edge - or both, but this was just ... Elliot. He was so proud of his boy, who was really growing up. And he was proud of his astronaut friend, who he obviously looked up to, possibly even as a father figure.
Dick Finley gave Dick Stabler a miniature of the space craft he was going to fly to the moon, just before all hell broke loose in the hallway. It all went down so fast and before they knew what happened, Anton had shot and killed their witness and Finley had jumped in, struggling with Anton for the gun, which went off, killing Anton.
...
'I don't even know where to start on my report,' Olivia told Cragen and Elliot, as the two bodies were being taken out.
'I'm gonna do mine tomorrow. I have to take my boy home,' Elliot said. Cragen agreed and let them go. Olivia walked the two Stablers out.
'You going to be okay Dick?' she asked the younger of the two. Dick was keeping a brave face but she could see the boy was shaken up. She joined them in the elevator down and Elliot smiled at her appreciatively. She put an arm around the young boy's shoulders and she felt him lean into her a little, before he straightened his shoulders. She smiled at Elliot, who had also noticed the shift in his son. He was on the threshold of becoming a man but he wasn't quite there yet. He still needed to be comforted. When they stepped off the elevator, Elliot automatically replaced her arm with his around his boy's shoulders and the adults nodded at each other in understanding. She pressed the button to their floor again and went back upstairs.
Finley was there, waiting for the elevator. She sighed when she saw his blood-stained shirt and the cut on his forehead.
'Well, detective, it was real nice getting to know you,' he said. She pulled out a tissue and told him he had a cut on his head. She cleaned it up a little and was surprised when he decided to invite her to come with him to a marine corps function he had to attend that night. 'It'd be a lot more fun if you were there.'
'You're serious?' she asked.
'You doubting the word of a legendary astronaut?'
It was a cheesy line but she smiled anyway and told him she would love to go.
'Should I call Elliot and see if he can join us?' she added.
She knew she was being mean but she just didn't feel quite comfortable with the older man. There was something about him, she just couldn't put her finger on it.
'Oh, I think you and me can handle this,' Finley said. 'Meet you at the hotel around eight?'
She managed to keep a smile on her face and agreed to meet him there. What was the harm anyway? It would be an opportunity to get to know her partner's hero a little bit better. She still didn't know what to think of the man. He was a little over-confident but that wasn't it. Maybe she would find out tonight. It was fun to get dressed up again and maybe that marine function wouldn't be all that bad. Dinner, some wine and dancing perhaps. It had been a long time. She had hardly dated since breaking up with Kurt.
She had picked a light blue sleeveless satin dress with a low-cut V-neck. She knew Finley would like that and it made her feel more like a woman than a cop. The weather was soft so she wouldn't need anything else, just a small purse. She took a cab to the hotel and was very surprised to see Elliot when she got there. He had several cuts and bruises on his face and his clothes were rumpled. Something had happened here.
'Elliot!' she called out while walking up to him. She stopped when she saw the look on his face. He seemed devastated. Why was he at Finley's hotel anyway and who gave him all those bruises?
'Is everything okay?' she asked softly, but she already knew the answer. It wasn't. He shook his head.
'No.'
She walked closer to him and he motioned at his car. Was that Finley in the back of his car?
'He ... it ... it was him,' Elliot managed to choke out before turning away from her.
'El ...'
She turned with him and tried to get him to look at her, taking a hold of his upper arms.
'Who El? What?'
'Dick ... he killed her. He killed her so he could go to the moon.'
'O my God,' she sighed. No wonder she had felt something was off with the man. No wonder he had been there every step of the way during their investigation. But he had been Elliot's hero ...
'El, I'm so sorry,' she said softly.
He nodded and wiped his nose. Then he said he needed to get him to the station. She was going with them, of course. They didn't speak in the car. She knew Elliot needed some time to deal with the realization that his hero had just fallen off his pedestal. And she was simply ignoring Finley completely. He had the audacity to tell her she looked nice but she didn't even acknowledge hearing him. He was muttering something in the back seat but she just blocked him out. She was riding along for Elliot, not for Dick Finley.
Elliot seemed to run on autopilot, handing the astronaut over to Fin to have him processed and ordering Finley to write down his confession. He didn't stick around to see if Finley would comply. They had enough evidence to convict him, he told her. His fingerprint was on Marga Janssen's necklace. He walked up to the roof and Olivia followed him.
'Elliot, you have some cuts that need to be cleaned,' she started but he didn't seem to care. He was taking deep breaths once they got up to the roof. He needed some space but she wasn't going to let him deal with this alone. So she was silent and just stood back until he had composed himself somewhat. He would talk when he was ready. It only took about five minutes.
'I was talking to Dick ... my Dickie, when it hit me.' He was staring out over the city.
'How come?' she asked, moving beside him and looking at his profile in the dim city lights.
'He asked me why I didn't try to be like my hero. I told him that I had, but that I had to give up my dreams to take responsibility for my family.'
She nodded. That sounded like Elliot. It was Elliot, to a T.
'I asked him if he would give up his family to be a fighter pilot and go to the moon, and he said he'd do anything to get there.'
'And you realized Finley would too.'
'Yeah.' He turned to look at her. 'He was never a family man. He got married and divorced four times. It was all about him in the end.'
Elliot was a family man. It was never about himself. He had given up so much. He was deeply disappointed in his hero. He turned away from her and was silent for a minute.
'You know, even my mom said it to me the other day.'
He was looking out over the city again and his comment had surprised her a little. Apparently, he was in the mood to talk about himself and she wasn't going to stop him.
'What did she say, El?' she asked quietly.
'That I had given up my passion. But what else could I have done?' He looked at her again. 'What else can I do?'
He seemed to be asking her for advice. She thought he had it all figured out but now it looked like he needed guidance. She wasn't sure what to tell him.
'I don't know,' she answered truthfully. 'Do you feel you have sacrificed too much?'
She had worded her question carefully, not wanting him to start doubting himself. She knew only too well that he was all about taking responsibility but she could also see that he wasn't happy. Not entirely. When he went back to Kathy the last time, it had been because of the pregnancy. Just like he had married her when he was only seventeen, because of a pregnancy. He was a proud father, a very proud father. But she had to wonder if he was a proud husband. A content husband. And even if he was happy to be a cop. But knowing him, he would come to the conclusion that it had all been worth it. He always did the right thing.
He was thinking it over. It wasn't an easy question, she knew that. He was looking at her now. Staring straight into her eyes. It was almost unsettling. She wanted him to say something. To break the silence that was suddenly hanging between them. She didn't mean to make him question his marriage but the way he was looking at her now, she was almost certain that was what he was doing. Without realizing it, she had touched upon one of the forbidden subjects. One of the things they didn't talk about.
'Maybe.'
He had spoken softly but the emotion in his voice struck her. Maybe he had sacrificed too much. Before she could think about what that simple answer meant, he reached out to her and wrapped his hand around her wrist. She moved a little closer to him, giving him a questioning look.
'I don't know Liv,' he said. 'Maybe I have. But I do know that I don't regret joining this unit and being your partner.'
Too close. His comment was too close. Just like the other day in the elevator after Kathleen's arraignment. She was just going to smile and then ignore it. And ignore his touch on her wrist. Now she was the one looking out over the city and he was studying her profile in the dim city light. He was still holding her wrist lightly, drawing small circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. She tried to ignore the little electrical flashes his touch was sending through her arm, all the way up to her shoulder and neck, and then back down to ...
'Do you know what he said to me when I told him I looked up to him?'
She glanced at him, trying to focus on his words rather than his touch and her body's response to it.
'What did he say?'
'I'm sorry to disappoint. Can you believe that?'
She turned towards him.
'And then he said it was a good thing I never tried to be like him, because I never would have made it.'
His voice was trembling and she knew he was hurting. She moved in front of him and took his other hand. He slipped his hand in hers and he let go of her wrist to do the same with their other hands. She looked at him, a very serious look in her eyes.
'You, Elliot Stabler, are more of a man than he will ever be.'
They were standing very close to each other now, their hands clasped together. She needed to reassure him. To make him see that he had made the right decisions. And even if he made some wrong ones along the way, they had been for the right reasons. She needed him to see he was exactly who and where he was supposed to be. But was he? She could see the doubt in his eyes. The pain of all the things he had never achieved, of all the dreams he had given up.
'I can't help but wonder sometimes,' he said softly, 'when it will be my turn.'
He breathed out slowly and hung his head. The crown of his head was almost touching her forehead. It hurt her to hear him say that. His turn?
'If you could do it all over again, would you have done things differently?' she asked. 'What would you do, if you could do anything you wanted to do?'
His eyes met hers again and his voice was very low when he spoke after a few seconds.
'That is a dangerous question, Olivia.'
She knew it was. They were standing too close and she had asked a dangerous question. What was she thinking? She saw the intensity in his eyes when he looked at her, at her eyes, then at her mouth and further down her body. She wanted to retreat but she was frozen in place. Elliot closed his eyes and sighed. She felt his hands gripping hers more firmly, almost to the point that it was painful for her.
'El?'
He shook his head slowly, his eyes still closed.
'No Liv,' he whispered and he opened his eyes to look at her. There was sadness in his eyes. 'We can't go there.'
It was the first time one of them was admitting out loud that there actually was a 'there' they couldn't go. He said 'we', not I. And he was telling her that he would want to go there, if he had a choice. If he could do what he wanted to do. Olivia felt her chest constricting. He didn't have a choice. She shouldn't have asked. She hadn't meant to ask, she had just wondered what he would try to regain if he could make different choices in his life. About his family or his carreer. Somehow they had ended up here and now it was about them. She felt his hands slip away from hers and she let go. He turned away from her and shook his head once more, as if he was trying to clear his thoughts.
'I feel like everything I used to believe in is being challenged lately.'
She remained silent, unsure of what to say.
'First by that street family. Then Merritt Rook. Even my mother. And now this ...'
She wasn't sure if he was referring to Colonel Finley or to her, them, but she could see that everything he had built his life on was shaking. He had always tried to do the right thing but it had cost him. It had cost him dearly. Perhaps he was wondering if it had cost him himself. She didn't know what to say or do to make things better for him.
She did know she still needed him to be her rock. He couldn't crumble, she wouldn't have anything left. It was a selfish thing to think, she knew it. But in order for him to be her rock, he would need to feel like he was on solid ground. He needed the security of his faith, his job and his family. The paradox was suffocating. For him to be what she needed him to be, she would have to push him away. She took a step away from him and said,
'I think you should go home and be with your family.'
She didn't wait for a response and turned around to walk back to the door slowly. Then she felt his hand in hers once more.
'Liv.'
She turned around to face him. He was desperate. He needed something to hold on to. And he decided she was it. Literally. She was stunned when he pulled her into an embrace and pressed his cheek against hers.
'Liv ...' he sighed again.
She had to swallow the lump in her throat before she could make an attempt at speaking. The way his hand was sliding across her back to her waist and back up wasn't helping much either. She clung to the sides of his jacket with both hands, trying to take a breath before speaking again.
'I'm here El,' she said softly, hoping it would be the reassurance he needed. 'Nothing has changed. You are still you, no matter what Dick did.'
'And you are still you,' he whispered.
He was holding on to her. She was his solid ground. Not his job or his family. It was her. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to overthink what that meant.
She finally replied, 'And we are still we.'
She hoped he would understand what she was saying. That what had just transpired between them, had not changed their partnership or their friendship. He loosened his grip on her a little to look into her eyes. He nodded and smiled, but she could see he had been on the brink of crying.
'Thanks,' he said quietly. 'I know I'm not making a lot of sense right now.'
He smiled shyly and she smiled as well.
'Well, it isn't the first time you're not making sense,' she told him, attempting to lighten the mood.
He dropped his hands to his sides and she took a small step back. He looked at her again and he finally seemed to notice her dress.
'Well, that's only when you look like this!' he joked and at last they were laughing again.
She tugged at his hand and they walked to the door together to go back inside. They were okay. There were still them. Benson and Stabler. Nothing had changed. Right?
...