Title: Life for me ain't been no crystal stair

Disclaimer: not my characters. Title from Langston Hughes.

Warnings: talk of violence/depression/previous suicidal implications

Pairings: Steve/Bucky

Rating: PG

Wordcount: 3690

Point of view: third

Note: there is at least one more part, possibly two after this.

Two days after Christmas, while Yasmin's at the zoo with Megan's family and Bucky is picking up an emergency shift at the jewelry store (Timothy's wife finally went into labor a day before they were set to induce), after Bucky texts Steve about Rodrigo's most recent mishap at the garage, Steve says, I'd love to meet them, Bucky.

Bucky stares down at his phone and then shoves it into his pocket, where he ignores it for five hours.

.

These past few months have been… confounding. Amazing. He has dreamed of warm Brooklyn nights, and cold ones, wrapped around a frail body, one hand (the left hand) always over a heartbeat. He has dreamed of hundreds of deaths, all with the righteous sense of right and knowing that the most important thing in the world was safe with every pull of the trigger. He has dreamed of defending and laughing and promising forever.

"I think your trip was good for you," Yasmin said at dinner three weeks ago. "You're smiling more, Bucky." She grinned up at him. "I'm glad."

"I think so, too," he admitted quietly before asking about Megan's baby sister. Yasmin had much to say about Emily.

For months, he has been texting with Steve. Never anything important, but every day, sometimes for hours at a time. He has debated (at length!) the Disney animated catalog, and he accurately predicted which of the films would be Steve's favorites and least-favorites. Steve agrees that Lilo&Stitch is by far the best, though he thinks that Sleeping Beauty was the prettiest from an artistic point of view. Bucky chose not to argue because art has always been Steve's thing.

With every conversation, more of his memories become clear. He is still not sure – will never be sure, he knows – which of the memories he has filled in with knowledge or which are true, but he has come realize it doesn't matter. All are his. James Buchanan Barnes still died in the mountains, but Bucky knows that there are parts of that man still in him. And he has chosen to embrace them.

The asset, too, will never be far from him. But the asset was a weapon and Bucky can choose whether or not to wield it, as he wielded it to eradicate Hydra.

There are many things he regrets, but he knows that living well is the only way to ever find peace. He has atoned. He found both justice and vengeance. He will, as James Buchanan Barnes before him, defend that which is his to the utmost of his ability, and ensure that those he cares for have happiness and security.

The Winter Soldier is dead. James Buchanan Barnes is dead. William Taylor is the best of them both, with the worst lurking in the shadows should it be needed.

And Steve Rogers…

"What do you know of love?" Bucky asked Yasmin as they waited in the drop off line, two days before Christmas break.

"What kind?" she asked.

He laughed. "Romantic," he clarified.

Yasmin shrugged. "It's gross," she said. "But it seems kinda nice, too." She poked him in the arm. "I know that it makes old people smile, like Megan's moms. And Ms. Yavez still asks about you, when she's on duty at recess."

Bucky laughed again. "What do you tell her?"

She giggled. "I tell her you're too busy for kissing."

He pulled up to the front and dropped a kiss onto the top of her head. "Martina will be picking you up this afternoon," he said as she opened the door. "I have an errand to run that'll take me to Naples; I'll be back by dinner."

"Okay, Bucky," she said, slipping out of the car. "Love you."

"I love you, too," he said, watching her walk into the school before pulling away.

Bucky knows that he, in some form or another, has loved Steve Rogers since before he even knew what love was. When he was Bucky Barnes, when he was the Winter Soldier – always, he has loved Steve Rogers.

Could Steve Rogers love the man he is now, the way he once loved Bucky Barnes? He hopes so even as he doubts it could be possible.

Bucky Barnes did what was necessary to keep his family safe, whether that was his parents, sisters, and Steve and his mom in Brooklyn, or the Commands on the battlefields of Europe. The Winter Soldier protected his teams and his handlers with a ferocity that terrified those who saw it.

William Taylor, in that regard, is no different. Lucia's younger son, Leon, made numerous enemies amongst the organized crime enterprises stretched across Miami. Lucia nearly suffered because of it, and her grandchildren were in danger for a little while, too. William Taylor arranged a lesson for those in charge and they have heeded it well in the year since.

Yasmin is happy in Miami. Therefore, Miami will be home unless that changes. Therefore, then, Miami is Bucky's territory; Yasmin, Lucia, Martina, Rodrigo, Yelena, Simon, and all of their friends are his to protect.

It is no different than what Bucky Barnes did in Brooklyn, he thought, as he drove to Naples, except in one single way: William Taylor is eminently more capable than Bucky Barnes ever was.

.

As he clocks out, Bucky unlocks his phone to look Steve's text: I'd love to meet them, Bucky.

A long time ago, he and Steve lived in each other's pockets. They knew almost everything about each other, spent days without being apart for more than few minutes. For nearly twenty years, they were two halves of a whole.

Then Bucky Barnes died and the Winter Soldier was forged in his ashes.

He misses Steve. Misses those days in Brooklyn when they were boys and the only thing to worry about was if there'd be enough food for dinner. (More often than not there was, and neither Bucky's parents, Steve's ma, or Steve questioned how.)

Since he found her, Yasmin has not gone hungry. She has not been cold for longer than it took to shrug on a jacket. She has not wondered about where she would be sleeping, or about anyone hurting her. She is happy.

He wants Steve to meet her, to see this amazing little person that loves him for some reason. He wants Steve to eat with Lucia and the kids, to watch Martina blush at Steve's manners, for Rodrigo and Steve to argue about motorcycles, for Yelena to ask about how art techniques have changed, for Simon to fumble his way through a couple of those history questions Bucky refuses (as gently as he knows how) to help the boy answer.

He wants Lucia to look from Bucky to Steve and to understand and smile.

So he replies, I'd like that. and heads to Megan's house, where he and Yasmin will be eating before heading home.

.

For the next week, all of their texts are pointless little things – what Bucky has for lunch, what Steve saw while he drove somewhere, a resolution or two for the New Year. (Steve wants to let go of his anger. Bucky wants get better at reading history texts.) (Want. It is still a novelty he revels in.)

And then, while Bucky is getting Yasmin ready for an adventure day with Angelo, he receives a text from Martina, who is alone at the shop until Lucia heads in after lunch: Someone named Steves here for you. Says hell leave if you want him to.

For just a moment, the world stops – he cannot hear, see, smell, taste, feel anything. Everything is quiet. Everything is still.

"Bucky?" Yasmin asks, touching his not-hand. "Bucky, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he says, sending a quick reply before smiling down at Yasmin. "They should be here any minute for you. Are you ready?"

She nods earnestly, Bucky Bear tucked up under one arm.

The doorbell rings and Yasmin sprints for it, shouting, "Who's there?"

"Let's go!" Angelo shouts through it, so Yasmin glances at Bucky, who tilts his head, listening for heartbeats. When he only hears two extra, he nods. Yasmin unlocks and opens the door to reveal Angelo and his Aunt Evangeline.

"Have fun," Bucky tells Yasmin, scooping her up in a hug. He thanks Evangeline, smiles at Angelo, and watches them until the elevator doors close.

Then he swiftly grabs a jacket, shoves his feet into boots, pulls one of the rainbow gloves over the not-hand, and rushes to Lucia's shop.

.

Bucky enters through the back, stealthy as a ghost. He has almost five seconds of looking at Steve's back as Steve examines the artwork on the walls before Steve turns to look at him.

Martina's at the counter, phone in her hand, eyes going from Bucky to Steve and back, and Bucky does not want anyone else present, even if she is as good as family. "Let's go for a walk," he says and Steve nods, trying so hard to control his smile.

Bucky missed that smile.

Steve watches him come forward and then falls in behind him, so close Bucky can feel his warmth. He waits until the door swings closed behind them to say, "I hope – I just, I couldn't, you don't mind, do you?" in one breath.

Bucky turns to face him. Steve closes his mouth. Bucky starts with Steve's forehead and lets his gaze run all the way down, looking for any sign of injury. Steve's wearing a blue shirt and dark jeans with a baseball cap on his head and tennis shoes. He looks so much better than he did half a year ago.

All of Bucky's hard-won control shatters and he says, "Steve, you're here," as tears start to spill down his face.

Steve doesn't hesitate; he leans forward to wrap his arms around Bucky and pulls him in close, and they stand there holding each other until neither of them is crying anymore. Steve's mumbling in his ear, "I've got you, it's alright, I'm here, Bucky, I've got you," even when his voice if full of his own tears, and when Bucky finally manages to get under control again, he slowly pulls back.

He does not apologize. He just wipes at his eyes with the not-hand, smiling at little at Steve's raised eyebrow when he sees the glove, and says, "I have an apartment. Let's walk."

.

They are silent as they walk. Bucky steals glances at Steve out the corner of his eye and knows that Steve is doing the same. He wonders what Steve sees – he's wearing one of the shirts Yasmin picked out and hasn't washed the jeans in about a week, he hasn't shaved yet this week, and his hair is getting long again.

When they reach the apartment building, Bucky holds open the door. Steve ducks his head as he steps in. Miss Rosemary is just stepping off the elevator, so Bucky waits by the door. "Thank you, Billy," she says as she hurries past. "Carl's waiting; I'm late again!"

"Have fun!" he calls after her. Steve's smiling when he looks back.

"I'm so glad you're happy," Steve says. "It's all I wanted."

Bucky nods. "I am," he says. He reaches up to brush the hair out of his eyes. "Third floor. Wanna take the stairs or the elevator?"

"Stairs," Steve says.

At the bottom of the flight, Bucky glances from Steve to the stairs. There is a game he and Yasmin play: who can get to the apartment the fastest? Winner chooses dinner. He always lets Yasmin win.

So he says, "Race you," and lunges up the stairs.

Steve lets out an aborted, "Wha-?" before following.

.

Bucky wins. Of course he does: Steve does not know the apartment number. But they're both laughing as Bucky turns the key, falling against each other, and it is – Bucky Barnes was always bigger than Steve Rogers, by quite a lot, except in Europe. The tables had turned then. But the Winter Soldier was not quite as large as Captain America, though he was quite a bit bigger than Bucky Barnes.

He shakes the introspection off to watch Steve examine the apartment. It is far larger than their apartment in Brooklyn, bigger even than Bucky's parents' had been. Three bedrooms, one living space, a small kitchen, a dining area, one and a half baths. William Taylor secured it with funds stolen from Hydra. Yasmin chose all of the decorations while Bucky had picked out suitable furniture.

"It's lovely, Buck," Steve says. His gaze stays on Yasmin's bears, still sitting on the couch where they joined her in watching her Winnie-the-Pooh DVD this morning.

He takes a deep breath and then he says, "Steve, I have a daughter."

Steve looks at him. "What's her name?" he asks, eyes going back to Captain Ameribear.

"Yasmin," Bucky says. "I found her a couple months after – after the Winter Soldier died. She adopted me," he laughs, "so I adopted her right back. We've been together ever since."

Steve nods and then asks, "Where was she when –"

"The girl from the shop, Martina," Bucky explains quickly because he can't let Steve think he'd be so irresponsible. "And Lucia, the neighbors, everyone watched over her for those months. I had to –" He searches for the words because this is important.

The man on the bridge… who was he? … I knew him.

"Hydra didn't want you dead," Bucky finally says, watching Steve meander around the living space. Steve's fingers twitch as he brushes Captain Ameribear's helmet. "They were going to recalibrate you like they did me. I couldn't let them."

Steve inhales sharply, lifting his head to meet Bucky's eyes. "That wasn't – Stark called it a roaring rampage of revenge."

Bucky shakes his head. "I monitored the outposts near here, while they were still in use. I learned that you were wanted alive and knew there could only be one reason." He shrugs. "I could no nothing else."

"Thank you," Steve says softly.

Bucky shrugs again.

They spend all day talking about Steve's efforts to learn the future, his "career" with SHIELD, the places he went and food he tried while looking for Bucky. In turn, Bucky tells him about traveling with Yasmin, the movies they saw, how well she does in school, Lucia and the kids. For lunch, they have sandwiches.

Bucky does not like looking away from Steve because he fears that he'll look back and Steve will be gone. Steve seems to be feeling the same.

.

"If your cover identity is William Taylor," Steve asks as Bucky straightens up the living space, "then why do you go by Bucky?"

"Yasmin named me the morning after we met," he says, setting Captain Ameribear and his friends on Yasmin's bed while Steve lurks in the hallway, hesitant to invade Yasmin's space. "She named me for her treasured Bucky Bear." He smiles at the choked-off laugh. "If anyone asks, I tell them that when she was younger, Yasmin had trouble with the ls in Billy."

"That's adorable," Steve says, wearing the broad grin he used to wear when he gave Bucky a hard time.

Yasmin should be home in about an hour. Bucky stops to look at Steve and he asks, "Are you staying? I'm – I can't do it anymore."

Steve's mouth drops open and Bucky can see him grasp for words but none come. Bucky waits. Finally, Steve says, "I was drowning, Buck. Doing missions for SHIELD, wandering around Washington. I visited that Smithsonian exhibit every week after they put it up. I saw Peggy every week, too, and she only remembered me about half the time. I was drowning and I didn't care." He rubs at his chin, looking away. "I woke up and I shouldn't have. That's what I thought. You were dead, the world had moved on, and they just…" Steve lowers his head, covering his face; Bucky steps closer, reaching out to wrap an arm around his shoulders. "You were dead, Bucky. I shouldn't have woken up," Steve sobs, tucking his face into Bucky's neck.

"I'm here, Steve," he murmurs, eyes closed. "We're both here now."

.

When Evangeline drops Yasmin off, Yasmin is visibly drooping. Angelo is mostly asleep, leaning against Evangeline's leg. "We had dinner already," Evangeline tells Bucky.

"Thank you," he says, guiding Yasmin through the door.

"Night, Yasmin," Angelo calls and she replies, "Night, 'elo."

Bucky scoops her up into his arms after closing the door. "We have a guest," he says. "Do you remember the friend I went to help?"

She nods, visibly perking up.

"He has come to visit me and would like to meet you. He's in the kitchen." She tries jumping out of his arms, but Bucky catches her, tightening his grip. "I suppose that's a yes," Bucky muses.

Steve steps into the small hallway between the kitchen and the rest of the apartment. "Hi," he says, waving.

"Hi!" Yasmin waves back.

"Yasmin, this is Steve," Bucky says. "Steve, this is Yasmin."

"Do I know you?" Yasmin asks, tilting her head. "You look awfully familiar."

Steve smiles. "I'd remember meeting someone as brilliant as you," he says. "Bucky's told me how well you do in school."

She nods, leaning back against Bucky as she yawns. "Bedtime," Bucky says. "Are you awake enough to brush your teeth?"

"Yes," she says, the word nearly swallowed by a yawn.

Bucky laughs. "I'll go get her settled, Steve."

There is something soft in Steve's expression. "I'll be waiting."

.

When Bucky comes back into the kitchen, Steve is finishing up the prep for hot dogs. "Thanks," he says, grabbing two and reaching past Steve to ladle some chili out.

"I'll leave after dinner," Steve says.

Bucky wants to ask him to stay but he needs to talk to Yasmin first, so instead he just nods. "I'm going to tell Yasmin tomorrow," he says. "If you're not going back to New York."

Steve does not say anything while Bucky eats the first hot dog. Steve just pushes his own around on the plate, eyes distant. As Bucky picks up the second hot dog, Steve says, "I'm tired, Bucky. I'm so tired. I just… I've done enough, haven't I?"

Bucky nods. "You have, Steve, I promise." He bites at his lip, trying to think of the right words, something that might offer Steve some comfort, but all the words dry up.

"I'm done," Steve says, meeting Bucky's eyes. He's wearing the face that always meant he'd chosen and wouldn't turn back, no matter what. Bucky used to hate that look as much as he loved it. "Captain America… either they give the suit to somebody else or he's done, too."

"Steve," Bucky tries, "if you – don't be doin' it for me, alright?"

Steve smiles, like if he smiles wide enough Bucky won't see the tears in his eyes. That didn't work in Brooklyn, either. "I'm doin' this for me, Bucky," he says. "Honest."

"Okay," Bucky murmurs. What else is there to say?

.

Bucky lingers at the door, wanting to touch Steve's hand, his hips, his lips, but also wanting to turn away because he was never good enough for Steve, and that's about four times as true now. He wants to take Steve to bed just to hold him and be held; he wants to wrap himself around Steve, the way they did in Brooklyn and never could quite manage in the middle of war, even though the guys always turned a blind eye when they weren't teasing. He wants -

"I'll see you tomorrow, Buck," Steve says gently and he reaches out to caress Bucky's hand before walking down the hall.

Bucky watches him go, gently closes the door, and goes to shower with water so hot it feels like his skin is melting off.

That night, the only dream he remembers is of running through Brooklyn, always chasing a little blond boy, never quite catching up but laughing all the same.

.

In the morning, while Yasmin watches an episode of Winnie-the-Pooh, Bucky digs through her Captain America comics. After he finds the first one, he goes out to sit beside her, waiting for the episode to end. Captain Ameribear and Bucky Bear both have three cheerios in front of them; Bucky stealthily collects them all and swallows them in one bite.

"Yasmin," he says as the credits roll, "there's something I need to tell you."

She leans forward to set her bowl on the coffee table and turns to face him, crossing her legs on the cushion. He holds out the comic.

"You remember how you said Steve looked familiar?" he asks. "There is a very good reason for that." She takes the comic, frowning down at it. "His name is Steve Rogers," Bucky says.

Yasmin gapes at the comic, then up at him.

"And I," he continues, "Yasmin, I – I was born James Barnes and then very bad people captured me and did – did very bad things. But I eventually got away from them. And I found you. And…" He shrugs, unable to look at her. The not-hand is clenched in his lap, hidden in a blindingly pink glove. "And here we are," he finishes in a whisper. "I just… Steve wants to be around and you should know."

"Bucky," she says, voice shaking. "I named you Bucky for Bucky Bear. But… Bucky Bear is named for you." Her giggles start small but she eventually doubles over, crinkling the comic and laughing so hard she cries. She throws herself at him and he catches her, starting to laugh, too.

.

She has questions, of course. He answers what he can, redacting a great deal, but she is at last satisfied. He also explains that even if Steve lives openly as the one-time Captain America, Bucky still must remain known only as William Taylor. She pouts when he says that not even Angelo and Megan can know but he trusts that she'll keep her word. It is a right thing, after all.

The knock comes mid-morning. "It's Steve," he tells Yasmin. She lights up and runs toward the door to let him in.