A.N.: I apologize for the long wait. School and christmas time kept me really busy, but now that there are holidays i hope i can update a bit more (no promises though, because i believe everyone know about the family meetings, etc.)

Here is the long awaited conversation. Enjoy!

"Deeks don't be like that," she sighed.

"No Kensi, I told you exactly what I thought of being here, so let's just get this over with," he said, rubbing this face as if he was stressed.

"I...Nell…I know some things that I can't quite put together," she started but didn't know how to continue.

"And?"

"Why would you ever think like that Deeks? Why? I'm not worth it and it's just another relationship, so what's the big deal?" Kensi finally blurted out. At first Deeks looked confused with what she was asking him, but slowly and surely he seemed to realize what the topic was.

"You really think it was just another relationship," he laughed humorlessly.

"Yes. You and Me. We are just like any other person and by the track record of both of us it seemed just like another relationship. One that maybe lasted longer than the others but all together it was just another one to add to the list."

"Well newsflash, it wasn't."

"And why did we fail then?"

"Because you were so damn insecure again. Even this now, us talking about this, shows how insecure you were then. You really believed you were just another relationship on my list? Well let's explain it to you step by step: I fell in love with you a long time before we even got together and you were the only one that didn't see it. Ray… he saw it first, he started saying that we had a thing... That's when I started to wonder if I was feeling more for you, or if these feelings I had for you were already more than just friendly feelings - the one you have for a work partner. Eventually I caught up with it and had to realize I was completely and utterly in love with you. Yet, you the one that was engaged, the one that isn't going past the first date – you didn't see it, and that I was thankful for."

"What? You were thankful I didn't love you?"

"Yes I was. I just didn't want to be another one night fling you had; I didn't want to ruin a friendship that was getting better and better by each day passing. And certainly I didn't want to lose a place that felt like home – since you know how they like me oh-so much in the department." He rolled his eyes at his sarcastic remark. "I didn't want to lose that, losing to see you every day," he added with a more softer voice, and also his control on his emotions were working on their own; his eyes showing just how much he cared for her.

"Deeks," she whispered, not trusting her voice.

"And hell, when Callen and Sam came up giving me 'the talk' about hurting you, then it was official; I had to try. They actually thought we were fooling around with each other, just because we had a movie night once a while. I had to get Eric to pull up the traffic cams to show them that I always went home and that I always came with a movie in hand and fast food in the other. So yeah, I made my move on you and eventually… we had a relationship. My goal was just to show you and tell you how much I loved you every day. But even then you still doubted me. Ignoring all the signs," he sighed.

"What the hell are you talking about? I never doubted you. And what signs?"

"You doubted me, Kens'. Why else do you think we were fighting? Don't you remember that you were the one that started? You said I was having an affair, that I would dodge your calls and lie about my whereabouts; and yes I did lie to you, but it's not what you think. I know that's probably one of the questions you're still wondering about, because we never talked again after that last fight. And yes Kensi, I did lie to you and I dodged some of your calls, especially the ones when I was over at your moms; talking about the things you liked, asking permission, visiting your dad's grave and asking permission. I bought a damn ring to ask you to marry me. But guess what? We never got that far because your insecurities took care of that. So here's the answer to it all; my so called affair was your engagement ring. Happy now?" he spat, and all the feelings he had blocked for so long and all the memories of their time together came back in a flash, hurting him all over again.

Kensi was shocked, her hand by her mouth trying to hide her gasp; eyes glistening with the tears that had begun to pool in her eyes. He was right; she had started it and still had believed it till now. Never had she thought he could be telling the truth when he had told her that there wasn't anyone else. So for her it was better to end it all and regret that she had gone past the one date rule just to be hurt again.

"I also asked your mom how Jack proposed, just to avoid anything similar. I wanted you to remember it because of us and not him and whatever similarities could've arisen."

"Deeks…I..."

"No it's okay; you wanted to know; now you do. So yeah it wasn't just another relationship for me," he breathed out with a wry smile.

"I'm sorry." She stepped closer, touching his arm. "I'm so sorry," she whispered all over again, the tears finally making their way down her cheeks.

"Don't cry." He gently wiped her tears away with the pad of his thumb. "It's okay. It's over." He gave her the best smile he could muster.

"How can you say its okay? Deeks you wanted to marry me. And I just screwed that all because I was extremely insecure and jealous and couldn't believe you loved me." She pushed him, the tears still streaming down. "I never let you explain and that is not okay. Not okay at all."

"But it is. You had your reasons, and it's over. I'm over it, so its okay," he told her, hoping she wouldn't catch his lie. Because, in reality, he was actually far from it. He had made sure that the ring wouldn't remind him of what he had lost and gave it away; it wasn't like he needed it anymore. And eventually he figured that moving to a different apartment would also do its job. Other than that it was just part of his life now to keep his mind busy with work and surfing.

"I…Okay…I'm sorry. Deeks…I- I just wanted to fix things. After what Nell told me, it was a must do. I'm so sorry for everything." She looked down.

"Hey look at me, its okay. Alright? We talked about it and its okay now." He couldn't take her looking like that, so fragile and broken. It was always a weapon against him. All someone had to do was take Kensi, hurt her in any way, and then they would have him doing everything to make it stop.

"No. You have to tell me how I can make it good again. Please? Deeks, please," she pleaded and it took all of his strength not to say 'Let's try again'.

"Just be as badass as you always were and probably still be," he gave her as answer, then he glanced at his watch and added: "And better let me leave now, because I really got to go."

"But Deeks we still need to-" The click of the door behind him cut her sentence off. "-talk," she sighed.

"Great. Just great Kensi, the guy you broke up with just told you he wanted to marry you before your relationship ended and the actual topic you wanted to talk about hasn't been solved either. And on top of that you just cried your eyes out and probably look like a wreck. JUST GREAT," she told herself. Seemed like she had to get Nell to help her again. And hopefully this time without Nell thinking that it was a bad idea.