I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make you sway
Like I know I've done before

—Sway (The Perishers)

Jay climbed out of the back of the taxi, heaving his bag over his shoulder as he paid the driver and bid him a good night. He shoved his hands into his pockets as he walked toward the front door, his nerves starting to get the better of him—maybe coming here was a huge mistake?

But Jay shook it off. Besides, he'd already fucked up enough that night, what was one more screw-up?

He pulled his right hand out out of his pocket, ignoring the shakiness as he raised his fist to knock on the door.

He knocked and he knocked and he knocked.

Just as he was about to give up and walk away, the outside light flicked on and the front door flew open.

"What the fuck?" Will demanded, his voice laced with sleep as he rubbed the exhaustion from his eyes. He glanced back inside at the clock on the wall, "It's three in the morning! What the hell are you doing here Jay? We just got Matthew down like twenty minutes ago."

"Fuck," Jay breathed out as his hand moved to run across his forehead. In the chaos of the evening, he had somehow forgotten that Will and Natalie had just brought their newest little boy home from the hospital. "I'm sorry Will. I just… I'll go."

"No, wait," Will sighed, sliding his fingers through his messy hair. "It's fine… wait, aren't you supposed to be at Ruzek's wedding right now?"

It was Jay's turn to sigh as he shifted his gaze up from his feet to look him in the eye. "I uh… I fucked up man."

At the sight of the pain in his brother's eyes, Will immediately reached out and grabbed Jay's arm, pulling him across the threshold. "Just keep it down, okay?" Will begged as he shut and locked the door behind them. "If the baby wakes up screaming I'm sending you in there to deal with him."

Jay nodded and followed him up the stairs to the guest bedroom. As he dropped his bag on the bed, Will leaned against the doorframe, unable to hold back his yawns.

"Look Jay, obviously I don't know what happened tonight but… it'll be okay."

"No," Jay admitted, kicking off his shoes and collapsing on the mattress. "It won't. Not this time. I've made too much of a mess of things… it's all just so… everything's so fucked up."

"You're exhausted man. You've had a long day. Why don't you get some sleep? I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning."

Jay nodded dejectedly in response, even though he knew his brother was wrong. There was no way he'd feel better in the morning—in fact, without the numbing effects of that night's whiskey, he knew he would feel even worse.

As soon as Will pulled the door shut and headed back to his own room, Jay stripped down to his boxers and flopped back onto the bed. He threaded his fingers behind his head as he reclined against the pillow, closing his eyes and preparing himself for a long night alone with his thoughts.

By some miracle—or more likely, thanks to the alcohol that was still coursing through his system—Jay fell asleep quickly, despite the storm raging within him. And somehow he managed to stay asleep, only waking when he felt the mattress bouncing beneath his exhausted body.

Peals of laughter broke through his cocoon of silence, "Uncle Jay!"

Jay tried to ignore his nephew—groaning and mumbling incoherently—but the little boy was persistent.

"Wake up, wake up!" Owen demanded, his voice growing louder and louder with each passing moment. "Come on Uncle J—" Owen started giggling wildly, interrupting himself as Jay grabbed him and started tickling his sides. He squirmed in his uncle's arms, nearly out of breath from laughter when Jay finally pulled him down to the mattress.

"Who's this little monster in my bed, huh?" Jay chuckled, stopping his tickling to snuggle Owen close and smother him with kisses.

"It's me, Owen!" the little boy shouted before breaking into another fit of giggles.

"Shhh, it's still sleep time buddy," Jay whispered, wrapping his arms around his nephew and trying to go back to sleep.

But it was too late.

The house was quickly filled with the loud wails of newborn Matthew, and within seconds, Jay's door was flung open and a very unhappy Will Halstead stalked into the room. "Jay, what the hell!"

"Um, little ears Will," Jay mumbled, motioning to the six-year-old that was currently snuggled up against his chest.

Will sighed, his expression softening at the mention of his son. "Owen buddy, it's really early. Remember your new baby brother is sleeping?"

"Yeah, and so was I…" Jay muttered under his breath.

"Sorry Daddy!" Owen jumped out of bed and padded across the room to stand at the door by Will.

"It's okay buddy. Why don't you go downstairs and put on a movie or something?" Will suggested.

"Can Uncle Jay come too?"

Jay reluctantly sat up and ran his hands through his hair. As much as he wanted to stay in bed and try to go back to sleep—preferably forever considering how much his head was aching—he just couldn't say no to his nephew. "Just give me a few minutes, okay bud?"

Owen grinned before running out of sight and undoubtedly heading down to the living room. Will laughed at his son's excitement before turning back to his brother. "You look like shit man."

"Wow, thanks Will. Not like you're walking around here looking like a damn supermodel or anything."

"If you're going to be hanging around my house, at least put a fucking shirt on dude." Will grabbed a t-shirt from Jay's open duffle bag on the floor and chucked it across the room at his brother.

Jay rolled his eyes, pulling the t-shirt over his head before dragging himself out of bed and throwing on a pair of sweatpants. "You enjoying the show?" He smirked when he saw that Will was still standing in the doorway, watching him.

"You're an idiot," Will stated matter-of-factly. He hesitated for a moment, then cleared his throat and continued, "So uh… what the hell happened to you last night?"

"I fucked up."

"Yeah, that's what you said last night when you were drunkenly pounding on my front door at three am. What did you do?"

Jay scrubbed his palms across his face, working up the courage to tell his brother just how much of a mess he had made.

"Jay?"

"I uh… Erin. She was… she was at the wedding and…" He swallowed hard, trying to muster up the courage to confess what had transpired, only to practically choke on the words. "I… uh… we…"

Fortunately for Jay, Will could read him like a book—he knew exactly what his brother was trying to say. "You didn't."

The pained look that washed across Jay's face was answer enough. He looked like he was going to throw up.

"But… what about Allie? Last week you were talking about proposing to her! And now—"

"What do you want me say Will?" Jay interrupted, unable to keep the frustration and anger out of his voice. "That you were right? There—I said it. You happy now? Go ahead, tell me you told me so, you know you want to."

Will's eyes widened as he held his hands up in defeat. "Relax. That's not what I want Jay. You know that. I just… I guess I'm just trying to understand here."

"Not sure what there is to understand—I cheated," Jay admitted, disgust evident in his voice. Somehow saying the words felt like a weight off his shoulders and a punch in the gut at the same time. He felt tears springing to his eyes again and quickly buried his face in his hands in an effort to hide his emotions from his brother. But it was a wasted effort; a moment later Will was standing in front of Jay, pulling him into his arms to try to comfort him. And then Jay just couldn't stop himself from crying. "I don't… I don't know what to do Will. Where do I go from here? What do I do? I should have fucking listened to you."

Will waited for Jay to stop trembling in his embrace before he responded. "I'm not going to lie to you man, you fucked up big time. But it's not like I'm in any position to judge. I wish I could tell you what to do but I can't—no one can answer that for you. You have to figure it out for yourself."

"But how?"

Of course Owen chose that very moment to come bursting into the room. "Uncle Jay! Uncle Jay!"

The Halstead brothers separated, both turning to acknowledge the excited little boy running right up to them.

"What's up bud?" Jay asked, wiping his eyes and plastering a smile across his face as he glanced down at Owen, who had now grabbed hold of his forearm.

"Come ooooooon!" Owen tugged on his uncle's arm and pulled him in the direction of the door. "We gotta watch Toy Story! To infinity and beyond!"

Jay couldn't help but laugh. Because even though Owen was the spitting image of his father—Natalie had pictures of Jeff scattered around the house—he had also managed to pick up a lot of Will's mannerisms. Like impatience, for one. "I'm sorry buddy, I'll be right down."

Owen gave him a slightly skeptical look before reluctantly turning and running back out of the bedroom and down the stairs, leaving the two adults alone again.

"I guess I better get down there before your kid gets any more wound up," Jay chuckled as he tidied up his stuff and moved to make the bed. He glanced up when he felt his brother's eyes on him. "What?"

"That's it? You're just fine now?" Will marvelled. "A second ago you were losing your shit and now you're going to go hang out with Owen like everything is normal?"

"Of course not. Nothing feels normal anymore. I'm not sure I even know what normal is at this point. But like you said, I have to figure it out for myself."

Will sighed. "You know I'm here for you, right?"

"Yeah… I know. I guess just need some time to think," Jay shrugged as he brushed by Will and headed down to the living room.

Jay pretended to watch the movie with Owen—he laughed at the right parts and cuddled his nephew close at some of the scarier moments—but the entire time his head was elsewhere, deep in thought. By the time the credits were rolling across the TV screen, he knew what he had to do.

He just had to hope he was making the right decision.

In reality, the ride from Hank's place to O'Hare probably took less than an hour, but it felt like an eternity to Erin. She had booked her red eye within the first five minutes of the drive—and then she was left with an almost deafening silence. As she sat alone in the back of the cab, she practically begged the cab driver to turn the radio on, unable to stand being alone with her thoughts for another second.

But as hard as she tried to lose herself in the familiar sights out the window and the eighties power ballad blasting from the speakers, she just couldn't escape it. She was drowning in her thoughts.

As awful and disgusting as she felt about coming between Jay and Allie, a small—and, perhaps, particularly horrible—part of her was glad it had happened. Neither of them had known that the last time they were together was actually the last time. There had never been any real closure to their time together; their relationship had simply ended as abruptly as it had started.

Over the last four years, Erin had occasionally allowed herself to think about Jay and what they had. Sure, it was borderline masochistic to dwell on the past that she had worked so hard to escape, but despite the overwhelming pain she felt, the happy memories were everything. What she wouldn't give for one more day with him. One more of those sly smiles he would flash across the bullpen. One more night swept up in his arms. One more of those magical kisses that made her lose herself in the best possible way.

Somehow Erin started to reason that it all made sense. After so many years, with so much left hanging between them, it was only natural that seeing each other again would have them getting lost in their memories, in their history, in each other.

But it was still a mistake. A horrible mistake.

Although she had let Hank comfort her back at the house, Erin couldn't bring herself to tell him what had happened at the wedding. It absolutely killed her to know that he had been right all along. Not that he would have thrown that in her face; Erin knew Hank would have supported her like he always had—she just didn't deserve his support.

Erin had known better than to come back to Chicago. She left to give Jay a chance at the happiness he deserved, a chance to build the life that she would just hold him back from. And she was right—he had Allie and she was normal and good and exactly what Jay needed.

And then like always, Erin ruined it. Like always, her presence only served to hurt the people she cared the most about.

When the cab pulled up to the departures terminal, Erin forced a smile when she paid the driver. As she walked through the doors and approached her gate, she knew once and for all what she needed to do.

This was it. This time, she was going to heed Hank's advice.

This time she truly wouldn't look back.

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