Disclaimer: I don't own the Winchester boys nor Bobby.

Notes: I actually came up with the beginning and the idea for the ending and the rest wrote itself. I have all of the chapters written out, but I don't know if they'll get uploaded at one time though

Setting: Set after Season 2, 'Born under a bad sign'. But take an AU approach. Major AngstSam and GuiltyProtectiveDean

Warning: Deals with self harm, and thoughts of suicide. However if you are like me, you might be happy to know, this has a happy ending. No tragic ending here. I don't do tragic ending anyway.

Summary: Five times. Five times he has thought about it before he acted. The sixth time he couldn't stand it. Silence followed. Maybe various letters would save him....before the silence wrapped him up forever...

Chapter 10: Communications in various forms

When Dean awoke, he felt that familiar buzz in his stomach and it wasn't the alcohol either. He quickly looked to the couch and knew why that buzz was waking him up.

No, not again.

He wouldn't go through this again. He stood up near knocking the chair down and waking Bobby in the process.

"Sam", he said.

Bobby caught on. "You check upstairs, I got it here."

"No, I think he's upstairs, bathroom", Dean said. He didn't know why he thought that but he did. His big brother intuition never failed him yet. So he flew up the stairs, Bobby right behind him.

"Sam!" He came to the door and opened it. Both surprised and relieved to see it unlocked. The sight before him though was another matter all together. He pulled Sam away from the sink and wrapped his arms around his little brother's shaking frame. His heart was pounding in fright. What if he had been a few minutes or even a few seconds later? What if he didn't wake up at all? Questions were racing through this mind.

Sam began to struggle in his hold and Dean held on more firmly as he surveyed his sibling. No blood. He looked up at the counter. His breath left his body. There was a silver gleam in the sink. He could see it via the mirror.

It taunted him.

"Sam, this has to stop", Dean began to cry, "Sam, please, you can't do this to yourself. Please, let me help. Let someone help. Screw this Winchester, tough love. It got us to this point and I won't let it break us, break you. Please, stop this." Dignity went out the window long ago for Dean.

Bobby had back away knowing to leave the two alone. He opted to sit halfway down the steps in case they need the help.

Sam's tears were beginning to stop. He heard the words his brother said. He wanted to say something but couldn't. What could he say? He hadn't talked in so long it was getting easier not to. Yet he couldn't let his brother continue like this.

Why can't I just live my life? Why did you take that away from me?

Sam shook his head to clear away the remnants of the dreams. It was just that a dream. Yet even dreams hold some truth.

And that is what scared Sam.

----

The next morning Sam woke up in a bed in the guestroom upstairs. It was the same room that the brothers used every time they came to Bobby's. He didn't remember falling asleep. He didn't need to look to know that Dean was in the other bed. Yet, he looked anyway, needing the reassurance. He found that Dean was on his side, staring at him.

"Hey, little brother. You finally greeted the morning sun", Dean said. Although it was an attempt at humor it fell flat. Sam was alarmed at the weariness in his older sibling's voice.

Weariness that he was always putting there.

Sam bolted upright. He needed to do something. He felt a touch on his shoulder moments later. "Hey, hey, easy, tiger. Take it easy", he heard the soft rough words.

Sam leaned his head in his hand; propped up by a knee he was resting it on, carding his hands through his hair. He closed his eyes.

"Sam", Dean murmured.

Sam managed to get his mouth to open, making Dean hold his breath, but no sound came out. So Sam shut his mouth. What could he say?

He was drowning.

What did one do with that? He didn't even know what to do with that. He was just tired. Tired of everything.

"Sam, little brother….." Dean trailed off. He had long since run out of words.

So they sat in silence. Each trying to find the words or pictures to make the other understand. Communication had never been so hard until now.

----

"What is he doing?" Bobby asked as he took a bit of his sandwich.

Dean glanced into the living room from the kitchen where his brother was on his laptop typing way. He took a bit of his own sandwich. They had tried to get Sam to eat but as usual he only picked at his food. So they let Sam go into the living room where he immediately got out his laptop.

Dean never thought he'd say this, but he was so glad to hear the constant typing that use to grate his nerves sometimes. To him, it meant that Sam had some energy and Dean was willing to grab at anything.

"I don't know. Every time I get close he closes the laptop or stops and hides it", Dean frowned.

"I'm surprise you haven't wrestled it from him yet", Bobby stated.

"I'm tempted, but it's the most energy he shown in days……"

Bobby nodded understanding. "Are you going to set another appointment with the doctor?"

Dean sighed. "I don't know. I probably should, but…..I'm not going to force Sam to go if he doesn't want to. And if those drawings are alluding to what I think they are the doctors are pretty useless. Unless you happen to know one that is or was a hunter."

"If I did I would have told you about 'em." Bobby paused, "Did you ask him about it? Going back to the doctor I mean."

"This morning. He shook his head a least. I wasn't particularly expecting a response to that." Dean had been ecstatic that his brother gave him something to work with.

The typing stopped and Dean looked up. There were times when the typing stopped and Dean became worried. He could see Sam lean his head in his hand, his expression one of exasperation or frustration, then his face dropped and he held one button on the computer so long, Dean thought he was going to break it. Sam let out a silent sigh before closing the laptop and laying his head in his arms on the laptop.

"Sammy", Dean called beginning to rise.

It's Sam. The automatic thought came to Sam, but he didn't voice it. Even that didn't seem like enough. He couldn't speak his thoughts, couldn't organize them properly; barely knew what he wanted to say. He felt that familiar hopeless begin to come back. The sinking feeling that he had grown to accept now. That drowning feeling. He knew the only reason he hadn't fully gone under is because of his big brother. And now when it matter most he couldn't speak.

"Sam", Dean said coming around the desk and placing a hand on his sibling's shoulder. "Sammy, what do you need?"

Sam couldn't even answer that question. And even if he could, it wasn't something that Dean could do.

"Sammy", panic was starting to find its way into Dean's voice.

Sam lifted his head up and looked up at Dean with weary eyes. Dean let out a shaky laugh. "Maybe you could eat something. Keep up your strength."

Sam shook his head. At least he got back that function of being able to answer 'yes or no' questions. It was something to alleviate his brother's worry and he was grateful for that much at least.

"Well how about a granola bar. Those sissy things you like so much", Dean tried to inject some humor, hoping he wasn't going too far.

Sam thought about it a moment, before giving a silent sigh. He could do that for Dean. He held out his hand. Dean blinked stupidly at it for a moment, clearly not anticipating this response. Dean blinked out of it and turned to get the bar when it came flying at his chest. Bobby stood in the doorway his arms crossed. Dean glared lightly at the older man before picking it up, opening it and handing it to Sam. Dean pulled up a seat and sat on the side of the desk watching Sam. He hoped he would eat it. He needed to eat. Sam had lost a bit of weight. Dean couldn't believe that he didn't notice that Sam had been losing weight the last couple of months.

Sam took the bar and stared at it a moment. He knew Dean and Bobby were watching him. He had put them through so much; he should do this one thing. His stomach rebelled having got out of eating a lot. He put it to his mouth and fiddled with it before he opened and took a small bite. He chewed slowly and stopped.

"You should sit up and swallow." Dean said slightly nervous.

Sam didn't do as he suggested right away but finally he sat up a little and worked on swallowing.

Dean smiled slightly. "You….you want to know a funny thing about raisins?"

Bobby looked at Dean incredulous but the younger male ignored him and continued. "Raisins, man, are baby versions of dried up prunes and prunes are disgusting. Prunes are you know, ick."

Sam sat up slightly in surprise at Dean's random words. Something within him swelled as his mouth twitched. Neither male missed it. Dean wanted to jump for joy at such a small thing. Bobby kept his smile to himself, surprised at this turn of events.

"Like why call a prune, a prune. It sounds disgusting. At least raisins are more dignified. I mean they are raising something right?" Dean laughed lightly at his own joke.

Sam's mouth twitched further as his eyes lighted up at this.

"I mean, raisins, man….." Dean had no idea what prompted this thought, or where he was going with it or why. He just knew he had to keep going, Sam's mouth was twitching in laughter, he could see it. "They are raising the ins and outs of something or other. Raisins……yeah……"

Sam's shoulder's shook and he pressed his mouth in a tight light biting back the laughter. He had no idea why this was funny to him. Perhaps because he hadn't heard Dean try to crack a lame joke in awhile? Slowly laughter eased from him as he took another small bite of the granola bar.

"You think Granny Nola was the first to make this bar?" Dean asked.

At this Sam near spit out his bite, as he laughed lightly. Dean gave a soft laugh of his own, happy to elicit such a response out of his brother. Bobby couldn't believe it. How did they do it?

TBC…

A.N: The whole joke with the raisins and whatnot, I have no idea where that came from. It just wrote itself into the story. Sorta corny I know.