Castiel feels like he's only gotten worse on the emotional scale, ever since Dean's public announcement and the ever-comforting conversation with Meg. It's not fair really because he's smart enough to know that Meg is probably full of crap but he's also vulnerable enough that her words still play in his mind.

Today, because misery truly does love company, Anna refused to take no for an answer and forced Castiel to accept her standing invitation to drive him home. Now Castiel can't get rid of her.

"We're not gonna do this," Anna blurts out and Castiel just looks at her with confusion, "I can't let you sit here and watch TV all night." Anna pats him on the arm playfully like some over-excited puppy. She's been sitting on her knees, facing Castiel instead of the TV the entire time they've been home. It makes Cas uncomfortable but he tries his best to ignore her and merely stares at the TV with his hands comfortably cupping his knees.

"I like watching TV," Castiel defends softly, refusing to look at Anna.

"Not on Friday night… We need to do something! Go out… get drunk and flirt with cute boys," Anna giggles. Castiel can't bring himself to even give her a generous smile. The two of them have never 'gone out' before, Castiel's too much of a wallflower.

"We're seventeen, Anna," Castiel reminds her, "we can't do that."

Anna smiles, "I have a fake ID," she muses.

"Okay," Castiel says, still without looking at her, "you go out."

"Cas!" She complains and something in his stomach turns. Everyone had started calling him that since Dean introduce the nickname but now Castiel wishes he'd told them off for it. Now, the name's tainted.

"Don't call me that!" Castiel grumbles fiercely through his clenched teeth, turning his scorching eyes on Anna. Anna cringes, her expression looking wounded. Castiel softens, suddenly inflicted by guilt, "Anna, I'm sorry… I'm just…"

"I know," Anna whispers but her eyes still look pained, "it's okay." She leans over to squeeze Castiel's hand in comfort and the best he can give in return is a sad smile.

"Thanks," is all he manages to say.

Anna lets the silence hang for a moment before she breaks it, "But seriously… we can't just sit here," she tries to coax Castiel, who merely rolls his eyes. Castiel suddenly wishes he'd laid the guilt trip on her so that she'd leave him alone. Dishonest as it would be, it's still tempting.

"I'm not 21," he repeats, "and we have no friends."

"We can make you 21," she attempts, "and then we make friends," Anna grins.

"It won't work," Cas replies.

"Not with that attitude," Anna retorts, a little defeated.

"Not with any attitude," he responds.

Anna rolls her eyes as Gabriel walks through the door.

"Hey," Gabe greets and he's met with a mirrored salutation. He drops his keys on the kitchen table, pulls a beer from the fridge and makes himself comfortable on the couch, putting Castiel in the middle of himself and Anna.

"What's on the books tonight, kids?" Gabriel asks.

"Gabe, convince Castiel to come out with me," Anna pleads.

Castiel rolls his eyes, "I can't go out," he reminds her for the third time.

"No, you're making excuses," Anna argues, "there are a number of ways to get you in."

"Where are you going?" Gabe asks.

"Spider," Anna responds quickly, "apparently it's the hottest club in town but skippy here is letting the whole 'under-age' thing keep him from having a good time."

Gabe makes an understanding face before pulling out his wallet from his back pocket. Gabe sorts through it before pulling out a card.

"Here… take my ID," Gabe hands it to his brother, who looks at him blankly.

"You're supposed to be on my side," Castiel reminds him but Gabe just smiles a little too widely.

"I think it's a great idea for you to get out," he retorts and Castiel rolls his eyes.

"Perfect," Anna purrs.

"No one's going to buy this," he argues, "I look nothing like Gabe."

"No one at Spider checks that closely… you'll be fine," Gabriel dismisses his petty concerns.

Castiel sighs, "Won't you need this?" He asks Gabe in a final attempt to get out of going.

Gabe shakes his head, "Nope… quiet one in."

Castiel gives his brother his best aggravated look.

"You see?" Anna chimes in, "It all works out… Now go upstairs and put on a tight pair of jeans," she encourages. Castiel begrudgingly gets up to head to his bedroom, catching a glimpse of Gabe and Anna sharing a sly high-five.

"How about you, me… a six pack, some pizza and a led zeppelin album?" The drunk whispers into Jo's ear. She smirks.

"How about you bite me?" She retorts, practically yelling over the music.

"Just tell me where, honey," he yells back, smiling at his own crude joke.

Jo's death glare is enough for the drunk to retract his goofy grin and stumble off in the other direction.

"You know, if you weren't so cold, you might have a boyfriend, Jo," Ash yells at her, watching the display.

Jo rolls her eyes, "Boyfriends are overrated," she retorts and Ash grins.

Loud music, strangers groping you and people doing god-knows-what to your drinks isn't exactly Jo's idea of a good time but she sticks it out for Ash. Since the Dean, Meg and Cas debacle, the group had sort of parted ways. Meg and Ruby were practically exiled and Dean couldn't stand to be alone with anyone else but Jo and Ash so the others fell by the waist side. It's for this reason that they decided to break tradition and go out instead of the three of them having a lonely party in Ash's basement like three sad, nerdy virgins playing dungeons and dragons. The only backfire was that Dean didn't want any part of it so now Jo's deflecting drunks while Ash tries to keep the chicks at bay and none of it helps Dean. You wouldn't think Ash has game but the boy can pull chicks. Jo thinks it's the hair, Ash's way in is through humour and drunk chicks love the mullet.

When Jo spies Cas' tan trench coat and a red mane of hair walk through the doors of Spider, she thanks the lord that Dean bowed out. She's even more grateful when some hottie creeps up on Cas almost instantly. He's definitely older but really good looking with a strong jaw and dirty blonde hair. Jo almost cringes when the new guy cracks a joke and Cas starts laughing. The redhead makes an excuse that Jo can't hear and leaves the table so that the two boys are left alone.

"Shit," Jo whispers.

Flip. 'Earlier today an elderly woman was injured-,'. Flip. 'You're just a brilliant coward-,'. Flip. 'Tonight on Monster truck rumble-,'. Flip. 'Stupid Flanders-,' Flip. 'Je vais vous habiller en jetons marines-,". Flip.

"Will you stop?!" Cries Sam unexpectedly, causing Dean to jump.

"What?"

"You've been channel flipping for ten minutes," Sam explains from his post at the kitchen table, trying to do his homework, "do you think you could give it a rest?"

"I'm sorry," Dean offers, wishing he'd settled on a different channel. "I'm just…" Restless? Sad? Frustrated? All of the above. "Bored," he settles with.

"Well then go out," Sam offers, "it's Friday night… don't you usually hang out with your friends."

Dean chews his lip, "Yeah," he says softly, although he's not confident on the number of friends he has left. "They're at Spider tonight."

"So, you should go," Sam suggests, "It might take your mind off things." Things. Dean and Sam both hear the double meaning behind the word, things is just a code for Cas, and they both know it. Whatever the code, Sam's logic remains the same. It might be good to take his mind off things and it sure as hell beats sitting around the house dwelling on things.

"You're right, Sammy," Dean agrees, getting up to grab his keys and jacket before heading for the door, "you're always right."

"Yeah," Sam agrees, "Remember that!" He calls and Dean closes the door behind him.

It doesn't take long for Dean to get to Spider and it looks like the club's in full swing. He checks his watch and it's only just twelve, his friends should surely still be here, even on a bad night. He parks the Impala and heads inside, flashing his ID to the bouncer on the way in. His eyes immediately search the place for Jo and he spots her at a table near the bar with a familiar face. He makes his way over, noticing a few glances from women on his way. He doesn't have it in him to even appreciate it.

"Hey!" He calls out, finally making it over to Jo and Ash.

"Dean!" Jo cries, clearly startled and Dean just frowns at her. She was the one who suggested he should come, why is she surprised?

"Yeah," he says simply.

"I didn't think you were coming," she explains but something in her expression tells him it's more than that. Dean looks to Ash with answers but he's wearing an odd face too. Dean feels suddenly unwanted.

"What's going on?" He asks suspiciously.

"Nothing," Jo lies badly before turning on a fake, concerned expression and Dean knows she's getting ready to lie again, "Dean, honey, you look a little feverish… maybe you should head home."

Dean just looks at her, "No," he says slowly, "What's up with you two, why do you want me to leave?"

Jo bites her lip and Ash looks down, avoiding Dean's stare. Jo's eyes give her away as she spares a risky glance over Dean's shoulder. Dean follows it, despite Jo's protests.

Dean wishes he'd just listened as his eyes fall on the table closest to the back wall of the club. Sitting at the table is Cas and some pretty boy who could be Ken Doll's fabulous cousin.

"Who the hell is that?" Dean yells. Jo and Ash shake their heads, although he knew they didn't know, he just needs to vent, "What the hell is he doing here?"

Jo shrugs, almost apologetically, "he came with his friend Anna," she explains.

"Yeah?" Dean growls, "And where is she… why isn't she stopping this?"

Jo frowns, "Stopping what?"

Dean gestures wildly to his ex in the corner with some guy whispering god-knows-what in his ear. It makes Dean's blood boil.

"To this," he spits, "that guy's bad news."

Jo rolls her eyes but lets Dean rant, "She left about half an hour ago," Jo explains, "looking pretty out-of-it… Cas put her in a cab and came back inside."

Dean gives her a look so outraged that it looks like he might be sick, "So she just left him here?!"

Jo makes a 'get real' face, "Dean, he's a big boy… he can take care of himself."

"You don't know Cas," Dean retorts. No, only he knows Cas, he knows that Cas doesn't belong in a place like this. Cas is too fragile to be able to deal with a place like this. The only time Cas isn't shy and awkward and lost is when he's with Dean, the way it should be.

Dean watches the two, fuming. The pretty boy runs a hand over Cas' knee under the table and Cas politely pushes it away. The boy looks frustrated but hides it. Dean smiles to himself, that's my boy, he thinks. No, he reminds himself, he's not your boy… now, walk away!

Dean has to literally rip his eyes away. He turns to Jo, his nausea probably very clear on his face.

"I'm sorry, Hon," she soothes.

Dean almost grunts, "I should go," he says but he can't help sparing one more glance in Cas' direction. He stops dead. Did he just see…? He thought he saw the boy slip something into Cas' drink but it happened so quick he can't be sure. He leans in to Jo.

"Am I crazy or did I just see pretty boy roofie Cas?" He asks her.

Dean can clearly see that she hadn't been watching but she gives him a disbelieving look, "Are you sure you didn't just want to see that?"

Dean looks back and the boy looks to be encouraging Cas to drink and Cas is doing it. Dean doesn't need more than that, he sets off. He faintly hears Jo trying to talk some sense into him but he can't be bothered to care. He finally makes it within earshot but Cas has had a lot of his drink.

"Cas!" Dean calls and he hates the way Cas' face falls at the sight of him, it used to light up, "Put that down," he says, finally arriving at the table. Cas swears under his breath but keeps his eyes on his empty glass.

Cas doesn't look at Dean, "What the hell are you doing here?" He asks quietly.

"Protecting you," Dean says.

Cas can think of a million different things wrong with that but he can't bring himself to argue.

"Get lost, Dean," Cas dismisses him without meeting his glance.

"You heard him," the Blonde guy says with a smirk that makes Dean want to punch the little twerp but he holds back.

"No," Dean says, "I'm not leaving you with him, Cas."

The boy looks delightfully taken aback.

Cas chuckles humourlessly, "That's not really your call, Dean," he says darkly, finally looking up at Dean.

"I'm making it my call," Dean replies pointedly.

"Dean, what the hell are you even doing here?" Cas demands but Dean ignores him, he's currently staring down Blondie, who just stares at him blankly.

"Cas," Dean begins slowly, "are you alright?"

Cas just looks confused, "I'm fine," he says, like it's obvious, "thank you for your concern," he says sarcastically, "now… leave me alone."

"He slipped something in your drink." Dean informs him.

"What?" The boy asks in very practiced outraged.

Cas clenches his jaw and looks away, "You're unbelievable," he whispers and rubs his forehead to soothe a phantom headache.

"I'm serious," Dean implores, finally looking at Cas.

Cas looks disgusted as he returns the glance, "You've got some nerve."

Dean rolls his eyes, "This isn't a jealousy thing," he explains begrudgingly.

"Really? Because it sure sounds like it," Cas says, his voice trailing off a little as he starts to feel a little woozy.

"I swear,"

"What, is this your boyfriend, or something?" The blonde asks Cas.

They answer simultaneously.

"Yes," Dean says with purposeful intimidation.

"No," Cas answers at the same time. The two share a mutually annoyed look. "Yeah," Cas says sarcastically, "this isn't a jealousy thing."

Dean chews his lip.

"So, Ex?" The guy prompts.

Dean grinds his teeth.

"No," Cas replies, looking menacingly at Dean, "He's nothing to me."

Dean inhales painfully, "Cas… I'm not screwing around," he continues.

"Listen, Pal," the other boy begins, standing up to emphasise his dominance, "he's asked you to leave."

Cas opens his mouth to agree but he's suddenly hit with an overwhelming dizzy spell. He suddenly feels like he's just drunk a liquor store. How did this happen? He thinks, I've only been drinking coke. Cas feels sick, but it's a different kind of sick as he realises that Dean was right, he's been drugged.

He needs to get out of here, away from this creep, even if that means asking Dean for help. He really doesn't want to but Dean's his only hope and he needs to get away from the lights and noise, he can hardly see.

"Dean," Cas mumbles.

"No…" Dean says pointedly, unaware that Cas is calling out to him, "I'm not leaving… I'm not letting you lay a finger on my Cas you fucking pervert," Dean spits.

Cas would correct him for saying his Cas if he didn't feel so sick. He can't concentrate, his head is fuzzy and the music feels like it's sending vibrations throughout his whole body.

Dean eyes Cas carefully, he really doesn't look good. His upper body sways as he almost falls out of his chair but Dean is there to catch him. He pulls Cas up and drapes an arm over his shoulder.

Cas leans into Dean, welcoming the help. Dean's heart yearns as he feels Cas clutching at the front of his shirt. This is probably the only time Cas will ever act like he needs him, the only time he'll ever hug Dean to him.

"Dean," Cas whispers, causing Dean to ache at the sound of Cas practically moaning his name, how he longs for that sound again.

"Hey leave him alone!" The other boy yells, moving around the table to confront Dean.

"Back off!" Dean retorts. Usually, he would gladly kick this guy's head in for even trying to do what he was trying to do but he has a very drunk Cas in his arms.

"Make me," the guy prompts, getting in Dean's face.

Dean turns his body so that Cas is at least somewhat protected. He knows he should get Cas out of here but he can't keep his mouth closed, "What's wrong goldilocks, can't get laid on your own?"

"Fuck you," the guy spits, getting very agitated, "your boyfriend was being a fucking tease."

Dean stops dead. "Sorry, Cas," he says quietly, carefully placing Cas on a chair. Cas slumps over to put his head in his hands. Dean hears him groan but he'll take care of him soon.

"Dean," Cas begs but Dean ignores him as he throws a full forced fist into Blondie's face, knocking him on his ass and sending nose blood spraying out all over the floor. A few tables are knocked over in the process and glasses shatter. Some people yell and Dean knows the bouncers are coming.

"Dean," Cas moans again, louder this time, still not lifting his face from his hands.

He pulls Cas up and against his side again, "I got you, baby," Dean whispers.

Cas makes a sick noise, "I'm not your baby," he slurs quietly but Dean hears him perfectly. Despite his words, Cas continues to cling to Dean.

Dean moves quickly to get away from the scene of the crime. He practically carries Cas outside and into the car park.

"Dean," Cas whispers and Dean can hear it in his voice, he's going to be sick. Cas pushes away from Dean to stumble to the outside wall of the club. He leans against the bricks as he begins to hurl. Dean's there in a second, rubbing his back and making sure he can stand up straight.

It's now that Cas decides to kick up a stink. He pushes Dean away with more force than you'd expect from a scrawny thing like Cas. Dean doesn't stray far, too worried that Cas might fall over. Cas stands up, slightly swaying, his sick feeling gone now that he's thrown up but the drunkenness remaining.

"Get lost, Dean," Cas curses.

Dean just rolls his eyes, "I'm not going anywhere," he says stubbornly.

Cas turns to lean his back against the brick wall, he pulls a sour face, "Is this what drunk feels like?" He asks, staring out into the empty car park, trying to avoid Dean's eyes at all costs.

"Pretty much," Dean answers, digging his hands in his pockets.

"Why do you do it?" He asks.

Dean sighs, "To numb the pain," he says quickly and honestly.

Cas finally looks at Dean, "That seems accurate," Cas replies sadly. Dean looks at his feet.

He opens his mouth to respond but closes it as Cas groans and tilts his head against the wall.

"I feel so weird," he complains.

Dean edges closer, "Cas, let me take you home," he says but he stops as Cas holds up one finger as if to stop him.

"Don't come near me," he says quickly and Dean winces at the words.

"Cas… please," Dean begs.

"Dean," Cas says in a husky voice without looking at him, "I don't want to get in that car with you."

"Well, I'm not leaving you here," Dean begins, "so you have no choice."

Cas glares at Dean and digs into his pocket to pull out his mobile phone, "I will just call Gabe," Cas slurs smugly before his face pulls down into a frown. He sighs and puts his phone away.

Dean raises his eyebrow.

"Dead battery," Cas explains, a little embarrassed.

"So," Dean continues, "I guess you're coming home with me."

"Nope," Cas responds, popping his lips on the 'p'. He pushes away from the wall, "I'll walk."

Cas stumbles without his wall to balance him. He shuffles clumsily towards the footpath and Dean eyes him carefully. His foot hits the pavement awkwardly and his knees give way. Dean launches towards him just in time to catch him before he hits the ground. Cas clutches at Dean as he's hoisted back up on his feet.

"God, Cas," Dean whispers, "you can hardly walk."

"Don't tell me my business," Cas slurs but his hand stays glued to Dean's shirt.

Dean almost laughs, "Cas… I'm taking you home," he says as he practically drags Cas to the Impala.

Cas groans in protest but doesn't refuse. Dean opens the passenger side door and gently eases Cas inside until he's strapped in. Cas tilts his head back against the seat and closes his eyes. Dean jumps in the other side and starts the engine. The sound startles Cas. Dean takes off out of the car park before Cas can throw himself out of the car or anything else equally crazy.

"I hate this car," Cas says simply.

Dean exhales in annoyance, "Why?" He asks, his curiosity unable to be stifled.

"It reminds me of the time I drove it while you blew me," Cas says out of the blue.

Dean feels the blood rush to his groin almost immediately. He clears his throat uncomfortably and looks out the window. He feels Cas watching him.

"Am I making you uncomfortable, Dean?" Cas asks.

"Of course not," Dean lies.

Cas breaks out in a fit of random giggles.

"What's so funny?" Dean asks.

"I can see your boner through your jeans," Cas laughs.

Dean looks down and, sure enough, it's clear as day. He blushes and looks out the window to avoid looking at Cas.

"Are you embarrassed?" Cas asks. Dean doesn't answer, "It's not like I haven't seen it before… and felt it."

Dean's groin twitches, "Cas…"

"Yes Dean?" He prompts.

"I don't think we should be talking about this," Dean says quickly.

"I don't really care what you think," Cas says bitterly, "I want to reminisce about all the times we've fucked."

"Fine," Dean agrees cynically, "why don't you tell me all your favourite parts? And don't spare any graphic details."

"Hmm, let's see," Cas continues thoughtfully, either oblivious to Dean's tone or simply unconcerned, "there was our first time… well… my first time… god knows when yours was…" Dean rolls his eyes but ignores the comment, "then the first time you let me fuck you… the first time you blew me in the closest… the time we had phone sex… the time I sucked you off in the middle of that abandoned football field… and we can't forget the time I fucked your brains out in the janitor's closest… that was fun."

"Stop it, Cas," Dean says quickly.

"What?" Cas asks innocently, "You asked."

"And now I'm telling you to stop," Dean barks.

"I don't understand why you're so bent out of shape… it's not like those memories are tainted for you by betrayal."

Dean swallows hard but says nothing, he lets the silence hang in the air for a moment, "No," he finally agrees, "but they're still tainted by loss," he says quietly.

Cas doesn't respond and they sit in silence for the rest of the drive.

Dean finally pulls into his own driveway and steps out. He makes his way around the hood and opens the passenger door. Cas just sits there and stares at Dean.

"C'mon," Dean grumbles as he pulls Cas up out of the seat and hoists his arm over his own shoulders.

"What are we doing here?" Cas slurs. "Why didn't you take me home?"

"My house was just easier," Dean explains in a gruff and annoyed voice.

Dean's abruptly pulled into a standstill as Cas stops dead, refusing to be pulled along.

"You're grumpy today," Cas acknowledges with a frown.

"Yeah, yeah," Dean grunts, attempting to persuade Cas to move with his strength.

"I don't like you grumpy," Cas says with a pout, although it's too dark for Dean to see.

"Cas, you don't like me - period." Dean says bitterly as he continues to struggle to drag Cas to the front door.

"Well, I like you even less when you're grumpy," Cas snaps back.

Dean rolls his eyes, "I'm sorry my mood is hurting your feelings, Cas."

"What's your problem, Dean?" Cas asks and he sounds genuinely curious.

"Why do you care?" He asks.

"Why wouldn't I?" Cas asks, as if a little offended.

"Apparently I mean nothing to you," Dean reminds him, a little bitterness in his voice.

"Dean, you know I just say those things to hurt you," Dean finally manages to get Cas to the front door and he fishes into his pocket for the house keys and opens the door.

"It's true, isn't it?" Dean replies gruffly, not very interested in the conversation, just hoping Cas will shut up soon.

"Oh shut up…" Cas cries, "You know it all meant the world to me… you meant the world to me."

Dean inhales sharply, feeling that familiar surge of affection, "Cas, don't say that."

"Why?" Cas sings.

"Because you're drunk… and if I hear this now it'll hurt more in the morning when you go back to hating me."

"I hate you now anyway."

"I know."

"I just love you as well." The comment makes the butterflies in Dean's stomach flutter uncontrollably.

"Christ," Dean whispers, he never thought he'd hear that again.

Dean drags Cas up the stairs and into his bedroom. He stumbles in the darkness until his shins hit the bedframe. Cas giggles as he's plopped down on Dean's bed.

"Back in Dean Winchester's bed," Cas says to himself.

Dean rolls his eyes, "Try and get some sleep, Cas," he says.

"Wait Dean," Cas calls, "Thanks for… saving me and stuff."

"Of course," Dean says, "do you really think I would've left you with him?"

It's too dark to see anything but Dean can make out the outline of a shrug, "I don't really know what you're capable of."

Dean knows he deserves it but he's at breaking point. There's only so much he can take.

"That's not fair, Cas," Dean begins.

"Beg to differ," Cas says casually.

"Cas!" Dean snaps, at the end of his patience, "I'm sorry… I know I can't make it better…"

"Doesn't mean you should stop trying…" Cas retorts.

"What?" Dean asks, genuinely outraged. Why would he want that? Dean wonders, "Cas, you just tell me to leave you alone… why would you want me to keep trying to win you back?"

Cas sighs and sits up, "Honestly…" He begins and all mocking and bitterness has left his tone. He's no longer the angry, hurt Cas that Dean has become so familiar with. He's serene, peaceful, like the Cas Dean used to know. Both he loves, one he fears. "I fear the day you stop trying…" Cas continues, "even though I can't forgive you… I am terrified of the day you give up on me."

The words fill Dean with an unfamiliar emotion. It's like a tragic happy. Cas loves him, he'll always love him and Dean feels the same but that doesn't mean they can be together and it's all Dean's fault. Cas wants him, more than anything, which just makes things harder. Cas can't risk letting Dean hurt him again and Dean can't blame him. If their positions were reversed, Dean doesn't know if he could survive more than one heartbreak from Cas. Being apart from him is hard enough.

"Then I never will," Dean responds simply.

"Dean," Cas begins and there's sorrow in his voice. Dean hears odd noises as Cas stumbles to flick on the bedside lamp. Dean can see the sympathy in Cas' expression, "I'll never forgive you… you'll hurt forever."

"I know… but I've hurt you enough… if me giving up is gonna make you hurt more, then I won't do it… I couldn't stand to cause you anymore pain."

Cas feels tears well in his eyes and he prays that Dean doesn't notice, "Goddamn it Dean!" Cas snaps, jumping up so forcibly that he doesn't even stumble, "Why do you make this so damn hard? Why can't you just let me hate you?"

Dean chews his lip, "You will in the morning," he whispers sadly.

"No," Cas growls, "fuck you Dean!" He yells, "Fuck you for making me feel guilty."

"Cas, I never…"

"Shut up!" He yells, the water spilling over his eyes, "How could you do this to me?! How can you continue to make me love you when I'm fucking aching inside... because of you!"

Dean winces like his words cause him physical pain.

"Cas, don't," Dean whispers, he knows he deserves to hear the worst of Cas' wrath but he can't take the thought of Cas in pain.

"No," Cas refuses, "I'm not going to stop just because you can't handle it, Dean! What about me?"

"I know, Cas," Dean whimpers, "I'm so… I'm so, so sorry."

Cas shakes his head, "I hate you, Dean!" He yells, "I fucking hate you for making me love you!"

"Cas," Dean cries, "please… stop."

"No," Cas says again, this time his voice is softer, more pained. Cas reaches up to clutch his hair in his fingers, "I can't handle this, Dean," Cas says in a shaky voice.

Dean bites his lip to hide his pain, "What do you want, Cas?" He asks, "I'll do anything… I'll move away and never see you again if it will make this easier for you."

Cas stops and looks Dean dead in the eyes, tears staining his cheeks, "Could you do that?" He asks.

Dean sucks in a stammered breath, "If you asked me to," Dean says, "I would do anything for you, Cas… even if it meant giving up the only thing I have that's worth living for."

Cas frowns, "Dean…"

Dean looks at him like he's confused, "You, Cas," he says simply.

"Dean, I'm not yours anymore," Cas says softly, not unkindly.

"I know… It kills me to see you when I can't have you but it would be ten times worse to never see you at all."

Cas bites his lip, overwhelmed with affection. He hates that Dean can make him ache for him with only a few words.

"God damn it, Dean," Cas whispers sorrowfully. Dean stares at his feet, unable to look up at the man he hurt, the man he disappointed and the man he loves.

The silence stains the air.

"Fuck it," Cas whispers and, before Dean can look up, Cas is there. He crushes their lips together hungrily and runs his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean's body responds before his head can catch up and he lifts Cas up off his feet. Cas wraps his legs around Dean's waist and Dean turns, pressing Cas against the door. Dean caresses Cas' face, attempting to pull their lips even closer together. Cas feels so good that Dean could start crying again. His lips, his body, even his stubble under Dean's fingers fills his body with an unbelievable surge of love. He's missed this, oh god, has he missed this. The way Cas runs his hands through his hair and down his back, clutching against him, meeting his eagerness. The way Cas softly moans against Dean's mouth.

Dean wraps his hands around Cas' thighs to keep him up as he pushes away from the wall and carries Cas over to his bed and lays him down.

"Dean," Cas breathes against his mouth, "God, I've missed you." Dean groans and presses their lips together again.

He breaks away momentarily; "Me too, Cas," He breathes, "I've missed you so much," his voice is pained with desire and yearning.

"Don't ever let me go again, Dean," Cas whispers between kisses. His words cause Dean to halt.

"What?" He whispers back.

"I said: don't let me go," he repeats before pressing their lips together once more.

His words make Dean's heart twitch and his stomach clench. Not because the words make him so happy he wants to cry, although they do, because Dean knows, deep down, that Cas wouldn't be saying these things if he weren't out of his head. Dean also knows that there'd be no way Cas would be lying underneath him right now if he were sober.

Dean can't do it, not like this. He wants Cas more than anything in the world but he can't take advantage of him like this.

"Cas," Dean breaks away, "I can't."

He feels Cas frown, "Of course you can," Cas encourages but Dean shakes his head.

"Cas, you're drunk… this isn't right."

"No… Dean, I want this… I need you," Cas begs, "please don't stop." Cas' hand clutches the front of Dean's shirt and pulls him down against his lips. "Please," he begs, "I want you Dean." Cas' hand slides down the front of his body to palm Dean's hardness.

Dean makes a noise between a gasp and a moan. His hand takes a second longer than morally ethical to clasp around Cas' wrist and cease the most amazing feeling.

Dean breathes deeply through his nose; Cas only makes this more difficult.

It takes all of his willpower to pull away, "Cas… you wouldn't be doing this if you weren't drunk," Dean reminds him sadly. "So, I can't… You'll hate me even more in the morning." Dean pulls away but Cas grasps at him desperately.

"No, Dean," he pleads, "I want you… just stay with me, please."

It hurts Dean so much to say no, "Cas… it won't change anything between us and being with you again will just make it hurt more in the morning."

Cas shakes his head, "No… Dean… please… I forgive you…"

"Cas…" Dean growls, "don't say that," he implores.

"It's true, Dean," Cas continues, "I forgive you… we can go back to the way things were… I miss you and I don't want to be without you."

"Cas, don't," Dean pleads.

"Dean, I love you," Cas blurts out.

A tear runs down Dean's cheek, why does Cas have to make it so hard?

"Not like this," Dean whispers as he places an affectionate and chaste kiss on Cas' forehead, he pulls back, "Get some sleep, Cas," Dean says. He aches to tell Cas a million things: I love you too, I'd give anything to be with you tonight and I'll never let you go if you ask me to. But he can't. It'll just make it harder in the morning. Dean can hope that Cas will wake up and repeat his words but he can't let himself, it'll hurt too much later.

"Don't you…" Cas begins, "Don't you want me?" He asks insecurely.

Dean bites his lip, "More than anything," he whispers but he pulls away from Cas and gets off the bed. Neither of them speaks as Dean quietly leaves. Cas lies down on Dean's bed and wants to cry. He nestles into Dean's pillow and inhales; the entire bed is covered in Dean's smell. Tonight was reckless and messy and painful but Cas still considers it one of the best night's he's had since the last night he spent with Dean.

Dean solemnly heads down the stairs and practically falls onto the couch.

"You stupid, son of a bitch," he whispers. I deserve a freaking medal for that! He thinks. Dean groans again and rolls over, knowing that there's no chance in hell he's getting to sleep tonight.

I'm sorry I did this again. I'll make up for the cliff hangers very soon, scout's honour.