Ten
It took three days for the Carpathia to steam into New York Harbour. The uncontrollable weeping had dried up after a day, leaving Clove sitting against the wall of the first-class saloon staring blankly into nothingness. Her father was gone. Dead. She'd never see the smile that started slowly, crinkling the corners of his eyes. She'd never hear his light brogue, never feel his arms around her. He was her rock when her mother died and she was brought to him, brought into a world of deferential servants and soft carpets under her feet, but now he was dead and she was lost, floating.
When the doctor had finally made his way over to Mr Guillory on that fateful morning, he was already shivering so hard that he could barely speak, and so had been taken away by two officers on a stretcher to the ship's medical wing. Glimmer had found Clove, then, and the older girl had put her arms about Clove wordlessly, letting the tears soak into her sables.
After that, she had just sat. Her thoughts whirled like a carousel, until she felt like she would go mad with grief and guilt. She should have stayed upon the Titanic; she should have gone down with it like her father.
She should be dead.
Why was she not dead?
Annie's Finnick had not survived. Annie had found her on the second morning and sat down beside her, wrapping her fingers tightly around Clove's and resting her head on her shoulder, silence smothering like a shroud. Glimmer and Miss Trinket hovered, bringing food, blankets, anything they could. But there was nothing they could say.
What could one say when a person's world has collapsed around their feet?
Eventually, the third morning, when she had changed into fresh clothes donated by a kind passenger of the Carpathia, Clove ventured out onto the deck, leaving Annie with Glimmer. It was warmer now that they were out of the ice-fields, and a breeze whipped across her face, tangling in her hair like a lover's fingers. What could stop her from throwing herself overboard, submitting herself to the mercy of the waves? What could stop her claiming the fate that she had deserved?
"Miss Clove?" A tentative voice broke her from her morbid musings, and she looked over her shoulder. Dishevelled blonde hair. A grey dress. Two little girls clinging to her hands; one fair and blue eyed and the other dark like midnight.
"Madge?" Clove tried to summon up surprise, but it would not come. "You survived."
"Yes, I did," Madge paused. There were shadows etched deeply into the skin below her eyelids. "I…I heard about your father. I'm sorry, Miss."
Clove blinked back the angry sting of tears. "Thank you, Madge."
"You remember Primrose?" Madge asked, and Clove let her eyes fall to the little blonde girl with the forget-me-not eyes.
"Yes, I do. Primrose…where's your sister?"
"I don't know," Primrose's lower lip wobbled slightly. "Katniss left me with Madge and told me to be brave. I haven't seen her again."
"She wanted to go down with her fiancé," Madge interjected softly. "Peeta. He worked in the boiler rooms."
"Do you know of anyone else? Your parents?"
"They…they wouldn't leave each other, and, well, Mummy was dying anyway what with her illness and…" Madge closed her eyes for a second. "They're in Heaven with God and that is all that matters. This is Rue, Primrose's friend. She lost her brother, Thresh."
"Hello, Rue," Clove said for the sake of appearances, turning her gaze back towards the ocean. "You three had better go inside. I hear that they are having a service, for the dead."
"Are you coming?"
"In a minute."
Madge gave her mistress a long, sorrowful look, then turned and the bedraggled little trio made their way back towards the warmth of inside.
Clove stared down, over the rail at the sapphire waves. It was a coward's escape, to plunge into the blue depths of the sea, and if there was one thing she knew it was that she was not a coward.
She took a deep breath of daylight, and stepped away from the rail.
There was a huge crowd waiting for them on the pier at New York. Camera flashes blinded them and there was an ominous rumble of thunder from clouds the colour of bruises. Madge approached Clove slowly, the two little girls in tow. "Can we come with you?" she asked.
"Of course," Glimmer answered for Clove, who was staring numbly into space, ignoring the noise around her as people looked for loved ones on the quayside.
It took a long time to be allowed to disembark. The officers allowed people off in small groups, and when it was their turn the sky was already fading into night.
"Stay together," Glimmer said as they slowly made their way down the gang-way, a motley group of four young women, an older one and two little girls.
The earth felt strange under Clove's feet, too stiff, too still. Ropes had been set up, and the press aggressively pushed forward, desperate to get an interview, a word from someone. Distraught relatives clung to the ropes, desperate to find the familiar face amongst the sea of survivors.
She followed Glimmer's halo of blonde hair with Annie clutching one hand and little Prim the other. This should have been joyous, their arrival in New York. She should have been holding onto her father's arm and smiling at the accolades shouted to him, the designer of the ship of dreams. But there was only utter, numbing grief.
"Marvel!" Glimmer's shriek could easily be heard above the noise, and Clove stopped, watched as Glimmer flung herself into the arms of a young man in a neatly pressed suit and hat without a thought for dignity. He held her close for a long second, pressing his face into her hair and Clove watched silently. It was not like that would happen to her.
"Who are these?" He asked as he let go of Glimmer and took her hand, his American accent grating on Clove's ears.
"My friends," Glimmer replied simply. "Clove, Annie, Miss Trinket, Madge, Prim and Rue."
They exchanged a slow look.
"I am very sorry for your losses, ladies," he said sincerely. "There are plenty of spare rooms at the hotel I am staying at; if you would care to follow me."
Clove took another breath, and looked toward Annie, who was staring into space.
"Yes, thank you," she said.
He found her five days after they arrived.
She was sitting on a bench in a park which was near the hotel, clutching a hat bought by Glimmer for her in her hands, twisting the ribbons round and around her fingers. Her father had brought her here when she was a child; she remembered this. The canopy of emerald leaves, the blossom falling in showers of white. It was so peaceful; the perfect place to hide, to get away from the arrangements, the fuss.
A voice broke her reverie. "May I join you?"
She looked up and her mouth fell open. "Mr Guillory?"
"Miss Andrews," he replied, cordially. There was a thick coat wrapped around his shoulders, and deep circles under his eyes as though he had not slept in a long time. She felt that she should be embarrassed in his presence, but she could not bring herself to care. "How are you holding up?"
There was such gentleness in his voice that tears pricked her eyes again. No. No. She must not start crying or she'd never stop.
"I am fine, yourself?" Her voice was stiff, though she wished it could be otherwise.
He sighed. "I have recovered from the hypothermia, but…well, my step-mother is completely grief-stricken and the children are confused. It is not easy to be around them at the moment. Where are you staying?"
"A hotel around the corner. Miss Glimmer's fiancé arranged it for us."
"What will you do, in the future?"
"I have no idea, Mr Guillory. I may go back to Ireland, I may stay here."
"Will you marry me?"
Her head whipped around and she stared at him as though he had just confessed he was the Messiah come again.
"What?"
"Will you marry me, Clove? I will look after you and care for you and…"
A tear dribbled down her cheek. "You can't."
"Why?"
"I…" she took a deep breath. "I'm a bastard, Cato, I was born out of wedlock."
He breathed in slowly, and looked at her from below those blonde lashes that were far too long for a man.
"I do not care. It doesn't stop me from loving you."
Her heart beat in her chest so fast that she felt faint. "I'm sorry. I'm not ready, I can't…it's too soon."
And with that she got up and walked away.