Attachment Syndrome

Chapter 10:

"Would it bother you if Lanie came over?"

He looks up from the mocking little cursor icon and finds Kate standing in the doorway to the office, Johanne in her arms.

"Not at all," he tells her.

"Thanks," Kate says, glancing down as Johanne gurgles. "Getting anything done?"

"Oh, tons," he fibs, flashing a smile at them. "And, you know, you can always have people here if you want." Kate nods, not meeting his eyes. "This is your home for…right now. Please don't feel like you need to okay that kind of stuff with me. My mother certainly doesn't."

She laughs at that. "Thanks, Castle."

"Don't mention it," he insists, standing and stretching. He's been at it for over an hour, and nothing. "You guys just hanging?"

"She wanted to see Josie, and yeah. Wants to catch up. I've been pretty…insular outside of work since we came back, you know?"

He bobs his head. "Does she know?"

"Know what?" Kate asks as she lifts Johanne up and kisses her belly, eliciting a soft giggle from the baby.

"About Josie."

Kate meets his eyes. "Yeah," she says softly. "I don't know that she really gets it, but she knows."

"What do you mean?" he asks as he gestures for her to precede him out of the office.

They've yet to have dinner. She came back at about four, having closed their—her—most recent case this morning. When she got back, she declared it her hour with Johanne and sent him off to write.

She follows him into the kitchen and hops up onto one of the bar stools, sitting Johanne on the counter in front of her. The baby wobbles for a moment, then seems to find her center.

"Hey look at you," he coos, bending down to smile at her. "Such a big girl."

"She'll be doing it on her own soon," Kate agrees, her hands steady on Johanne's hips as the baby smiles, looking around from her new vantage point.

"She's going to be riding motorcycles before you know it," he teases, straightening up to look into the fridge. "And what do you mean by Lanie kind of gets it?"

Kate sighs. "She understands that Josie has some…trouble forming attachments, but the idea of me living here—of us being here full time—that's…harder for her to grasp." He gives her a look, knowing there must be more to it than that. "I've been getting some hazing," she admits, giving him an exasperated look.

"Hazing?" he repeats. "For what?"

"Well, there may have been a false call on some pool they had going?"

"That's still going on?" he asks in surprise.

"You knew about it?" she exclaims, glaring at him.

"I—yeah, I overheard Ryan mention it ages ago, but that was last year, before you were with Josh and I was with Gina. Before Demming, actually," he recounts. "I figured it had died out by now. Didn't see a reason to mention it."

She huffs and looks back at Johanne. "Everyone leaves me out of these things," she tells the baby.

"What, you really think you'd have reacted well if I'd come up to you when you were dating Demming and said, 'hey, heads up, the precinct has a bet going on whether or not you and I are going to sleep together, enjoy your date'?"

She rolls her eyes. "Fine."

He waits as long as he can. "Who won?"

Kate lifts surprised eyes to him. "No one won, Castle."

He shakes his head. "Obviously. But who won the false call?"

Kate bites her lip and glances at Johanne. "Lanie," she mumbles.

"Oh, I bet she was mad," he says with some glee. That must have been something to see.

"Don't laugh, Castle. She was livid," Kate tells him, looking over with some contempt. "And it's not like you have to deal with it."

"No, no," he agrees, deciding then and there that she definitely needs pasta carbonara to make up for her day. "Sorry."

"Auntie Lanie has been mad at me for days," she tells Johanne. "But she won't be mad at you. Do you think you can smile for Auntie Lanie, huh?" she continues, tickling Johanne's belly. "What do you think, bug?"

Johanne gurgles back at her, a string of nonsensical sounds. He watches with a smile as Kate repeats them all back. He can't see Johanne's face, but the answering beam on Kate's tells him that the baby is delighted to realize that Kate speaks her language.

"I think she might start talking soon," he says as he starts pulling out pasta and seasonings.

"Dr. Goldstein said it could be a while longer," she replies, glancing at him.

"He's not God," Castle grumbles.

"Not happy with our weekly assignment?" she teases, dodging as Johanne goes straight for her nose, like always.

"What, you like having to detail all of the times an adult ignored you as a child?" he tosses back as he starts filling a pot. "You've never struck me as a big touchy-feely girl."

"What does that mean?"

He looks up and finds her staring at him, a mixture of defensiveness and defiance on her face.

"Nothing," he deflects. She glares at him. "It's just—you're not always the most open of people, and I didn't think you'd enjoy having to…air your childhood laundry," he finishes on a shrug.

"I can be open," she says.

"I know," he agrees quickly.

"I'm open with Josie," she adds.

"But she's a—yes you are," he says as she gives him a look. "Very open."

He sets to chopping up garlic then, throwing himself into cooking. "Is Lanie joining us?" he asks a few minutes later.

Kate nods, her face distant as she plays with Johanne. He feels a bit like an ass, but figures it's better to just let it drop than try and dig himself out. She's trying. He knows she is. He just doesn't like their assignment—has no desire to look back on all of the rather lonely nights he spent as a child, waiting backstage for Martha to be done with a performance, sitting with unresponsive nannies in their little studio apartment.

He's good at telling himself stories, always has been. But having to tell the real stories, to a therapist, and to Kate?

"I'm open with you."

It's so quiet he almost doesn't hear her. He glances up from the cutting board and finds her staring at the baby. She's careful not to look at him.

"I know," he replies, just as soft.

She nods then stands, picking Johanne up. "I'm gonna change. Lanie should be here in a little while. Call me when she gets here?"

"Of course," he says immediately.

She gives him a faint smile and makes her way upstairs. Johanne eyes him over her shoulder, and he feels like she's disappointed in him for making mommy sad.

Twenty minutes and multiple self-pitying sighs later, he hears a knock on the door. He wipes his hands and makes his way, glancing up the stairs as he goes.

"Hey, Castle," Lanie greets as he opens the door.

"Lanie," he returns with a smile. "Good to see you."

"You too," she agrees. "It's been quiet without you around."

He chuckles. "I'm sure Beckett hasn't minded."

Lanie gives him a sharp look. "You really think so?" she wonders, letting him take her jacket. "Where is my girl, anyway?"

"She went up with Josie for a little while. Hang on. Kate," he calls up the stairs. "Lanie's here."

He hears a door open and a loud wail before Kate appears at the top of the stairs, Johanne squirming and flushed in her arms.

"Sorry. Hey, Lanie," she offers, coming down the stairs, bouncing a bit. "Hey, bug, come on now. It was just a diaper."

"Was she crying before you changed her?" he wonders, holding out his arms to take Johanne so Kate and Lanie can exchange hugs.

"Hey," Kate greets her friend. "And no, she wasn't," she says to Castle. "But I could…tell."

"Charming," Lanie says, pulling back with a laugh. "Hey little girl," she adds, stepping up to Castle to peer at Johanne. "Should I?" she adds, a hand outstretched as she looks back at Kate.

"Maybe not right now," Kate says with a sigh. "Is the pasta done?" she asks, turning back to him.

"Oh, yeah, it is," he says, looking back to the kitchen. "Crap. Uh, crud? Yeah, can you grab it?"

Kate nods and skirts around him while he rocks on his feet, making shushing sounds.

"You look pretty good with a baby," Lanie observes. "Even a weepy one."

Johanne's cries quiet down to whimpers after a moment and he smiles at Lanie before looking at the baby. "There you go, Josie. All better?"

She doesn't meet his eyes but does huddle against him. He'll call it a win.

"She looks pretty comfortable with you," Lanie adds as Kate bangs around in the kitchen.

"I hope so," he says, gesturing for her to follow him to the kitchen. "That's the plan, anyway."

"Looks like it's workin'."

"He's pretty great with her," Kate tells her friend as she starts grabbing plates. "Do you want to put her down for dinner?" she adds, looking to him.

"Once she stops crying," he says, smiling as she nods. "You two go ahead and start. How long ago did she eat?"

"Two hours," Kate replies instantly. "Maybe she'll want a bottle after we eat."

"Great," he says, looking down at Johanne. "Do you wanna sit with me while mommy and Auntie Lanie have dinner, bug?"

"Still calling her that, huh?" Lanie asks as he follows the two of them to the table, noting that Kate has left a plate covered on the counter for him.

They take their seats and he shifts around, finally offering Johanne his finger to suck on. The pacifiers are…somewhere.

"Bug's cute," Kate defends, smiling at him. "Isn't it?"

He nods. "Very cute."

"Uh-huh," Lanie says, glancing between them. "And how are you and bug doing during the day, Castle?"

"Good," he says, smiling at her before looking down at Johanne. "We've been going to the park, and reading books, and this week, we've been sitting up some, haven't we?"

"That's just too cute."

He looks up and finds Lanie smirking at Kate. "What?" he asks.

"Nothin'," Lanie says, winking at her friend. "You guys getting along?"

"Huh?" he mumbles, still trying to figure out just what he's missing.

"We are," Kate replies, shooting Lanie a look. "Josie and I are pretty comfy here."

"Comfy, huh?"

"Lanie," Kate hisses.

Oh. Oh. Lanie's razzing Kate about being happy here. Jeez. Women are so weird. Though, yeah, the guys would probably be doing the same to him, or staring him down in the office to give him the 'talk.' He shudders slightly and looks between the women. Well, he knows how to take Lanie down a peg.

"So, Lanie. How much did you lose on the pool?"

Lanie coughs into her water and he grins, catching Kate's surprised but pleased expression across the table. "Excuse me?" she splutters.

"Oh, well, Beckett mentioned that there was a bit of…snafu with the pool you guys had going."

"Snafu?" Kate repeats, hiding a laugh.

"It's a good word," he defends.

"I'm sorry. Beckett told you about the pool?"

"Yeah," Kate offers easily. "What?" she adds as Lanie gapes at her. "You lost five hundred dollars!"

"Five hundred," he lets out. "Wow. High roller there, Dr. Parish."

Lanie turns a glare on him and he shrinks slightly where he sits. He holds Johanne up in defense and Kate laughs across the table.

"You can't be mean to a face this cute," he says, peeking around Johanne's head. "Don't be mean to me in front of the baby."

"Don't you try and use her to deflect me, Castle," Lanie says. "The two of you have been playin' house for weeks. Excuse me for thinking that—"

"Lanie," Kate cuts in, giving him an apologetic look. "Don't take it out on Castle. And we're not playing house."

"We kind of are," he admits. "What?" he adds as Kate gives him a look. "Not like that," he continues, catching Lanie's smirk. "Just—you know what, I think Josie and I should have our holding time now." He makes a hasty retreat, heading for his office, Johanne snugly in his arms.

"Rick, your dinner," Kate calls out.

"Can you put it in the oven for me?" he asks, spinning around at the sound of his name. She nods, glancing at Lanie before mouthing 'sorry,' at him.

It's not her fault. Not Laine's either. He just doesn't want to shove his whole foot down his throat.

"Women can be so mean," he whispers to Johanne as they step into his bedroom. "But not you, huh? You're still a little sweetie," he adds as he lays her down on his bed and unbuttons her onesie. "We'll let mommy and Lanie have their girl time."

He shrugs out of his sweater and pulls off his tee shirt before picking Johanne up, smiling as she sighs against his chest. She's gotten cuddlier this week, more content to relax against him, especially when they have holding time. Tonight is no exception as she curls up against him.

He settles back against the headboard and hums, deciding to focus on Johanne instead of the fact that the precinct apparently kept their bet running all through last summer and this year. He'd sort of given up, especially when she left for Haiti after the bomb—felt like he'd never win, he'd lost his chance. But now—well, he's not sure.

They are playing house, that's very clear. But he's not quite daddy, and they're still just…whatever it is they really are.

"What am I, bug?" he wonders, whispering to the baby. "Are you gonna say mama soon for mommy?" He pulls her away to meet her eyes. She looks back fairly openly. "Can you say mama, Josie?"

She coos at him, her eyes losing focus on his, but staying on his face.

"Ma-ma," he coaches, smiling as she gives him back two coos. It's a start.

"Good job," he praises, letting her fall back into his chest. "Mommy will be so happy when you say that for the first time."

He wonders idly if she'll say dada at all. Alexis calls him dad, but he doubts Kate is trying to elicit the word from Johanne. Why would she? Rick doesn't sound as easy. Neither does Castle.

"I'd answer to 'hey you'," he admits to the baby. "But maybe you can say 'cassle' sometime, huh?" She slobbers against his shoulder in reply and he laughs. "Or not. Your choice."

(…)

"Have you noticed any progress with her this week?" Dr. Goldstein asks as he passes Johanne back to Kate.

They both nod and Johanne gurgles in Kate's lap. Dr. Goldstein smiles at them. Castle's coming to like this office. It's sunny and welcoming, and even though he hates the personal work Goldstein seems to set them, Johanne's improvement speaks for itself.

"She's much more comfortable, with both of us," Kate tells him. "And sometimes she'll meet my eyes for thirty seconds or so."

"Even when she doesn't, she's still looking at your face," Castle adds. "My face too."

"If she's not going for your nose," Kate says with a laugh. "She responds when I talk back too. If she coos and I make the same sound, she'll look at me and smile."

"It's very cute," Castle admits. Kate smiles back at him. "Both of them." Kate laughs.

"That sounds like good progress to me," Goldstein tells them. "And you're both feeling comfortable? Feeling like you're bonding with her as well."

"Yes," he says immediately.

"Of course," Kate's reply falls on top of his. "Is that even in question?" she adds.

Goldstein shrugs. "Sometimes parents find it difficult to become attached to an unresponsive baby, or get frustrated when the child is cuddly and needy one day, but aloof the next."

"Well that's not her fault," Castle interjects. "We can't fault her for that."

"I'm not saying you would, Rick," he says gently. "I'm just saying that emotions can be two-sided between parent and child. You may never experience feeling distant from Johanne, or you might somewhere down the road. I just wanted to point out that it's wholly normal to get frustrated or even feel neglected by the child from time to time."

"Oh," he mumbles. "Sorry."

"No no," Goldstein says, holding up a hand. "Nothing to be sorry about. This is new for you. For both of you."

"Sometimes I do feel a little hurt," Kate admits quietly. Castle turns to her, surprised. "Not in any kind of lasting way. But when she won't cry, but she's upset? When I hold her and I can tell she just wants to sleep but doesn't feel comfortable enough with me to relax into it? That gets to me sometimes."

"That's perfectly normal, Kate," Goldstein assures her.

"I'm never mad at her, or frustrated with her," Kate continues quickly. "I just—I just want her to feel safe enough with me, you know?"

"I do," Goldstein says, nodding at her.

"You never feel like that?" Kate asks, looking over at Castle, hesitance all over her face.

"I—" he pauses, sussing out his own reactions, his own feelings. "I feel awful when she won't calm down, yeah," he says slowly. "I get what you mean. It's hard," he agrees.

"Yeah," she whispers. "Like when Lanie was there last night, and I couldn't get her to relax with me before we put her down? I just felt like—I mean, I should be able to get my own kid to sleep, right?"

"Hey no," he says quickly. "That was probably Lanie being there."

"It's not Lanie's fault," Kate argues.

"No, I mean—she fell asleep for a little while when I was holding her, and then Lanie was present, and you know sometimes she won't relax around newer people."

Kate sighs. "I know, I just—I know."

"What you're feeling, what you are both feeling, is perfectly normal," Goldstein assures them. "And that you feel it differently is normal too. Kate, for you especially, it makes sense to feel more personally affected, as you are her parent."

Castle feels himself bristle and immediately tamps it down. Oh, well, there's his answer—what he wants to be to Johanne. Ah hell.

"Castle does just as much as I do," Kate protests. "I don't think—it's not that I'm special because I personally adopted her."

He glances over and finds Kate looking at him, more understanding there on her face that he'd prefer to see.

"Whatever the reason," Goldstein continues, breaking their gaze, "it's perfectly normal for both of you to experience this in distinct ways. What matters is that you handle those feelings together, and work to never judge one another for having them. Being a united team will help you most in the long run."

"We are," Kate promises. "Right?"

"Right," he agrees. "Team Josie."

Kate laughs. "Fine. Team Josie."

"Now," Goldstein says, smiling at them. "What did you remember as you looked back on your childhoods this week? Can you remember ever feeling like you couldn't trust someone to be there when you needed them?"

Castle shifts in his chair. He really doesn't want to talk about this.

"Kate? Would you like to go first?"

Kate glances at Castle, shifting a fading Johanne in her arms. "I guess. I don't—I think I have more adult abandonment issues than childhood ones," she admits, looking over at Goldstein. "I told you that I lost my mother at 19." Goldstein nods. "My, ah, my father became an alcoholic not long after she died, and he kind of disappeared for a while."

Castle turns to look at her as she stares down at Johanne. He's heard this before, but somehow, here in the therapist's office, with Josie in her lap, it's different. It means more than her mother's murder.

"And my training officer—I found out recently that he was involved in a large scale jewel theft and bribery case. It's—my childhood was pretty great," she says, smiling around the tension he can see this is causing for her. "But the last eleven years or so have been pretty rough. I can't imagine feeling like that as a baby," she finishes, smiling down at Johanne. "She's definitely handling it better than I do."

"Do you feel those abandonments have had a lasting effect on how you perceive relationships?" Goldstein wonders.

"Yes," Kate says immediately. "I mean, yes I think they have. I—" she glances at Castle. "I'm pretty slow to trust, even when given ample evidence."

He smiles at her, trying to telegraph that it's not all about her. He's given pretty mixed signals over the years—has broken her trust more than once. He'd be wary of becoming attached to himself too.

He certainly isn't sure he trusts her thoroughly with his heart. Why should she be more trusting with hers?

He doesn't trust her with his heart? That's…new. But doesn't he? Shouldn't he? She already has it. She can't do all that much worse than he's already dealt with.

Johanne gurgles in Kate's arms.

Well, she could take Johanne away—could move out of the loft.

"Rick?"

"Hmm," he replies, still looking at Johanne and feeling like his stomach has bottomed out.

"I asked if you had thought about your childhood," Goldstein prompts gently.

"Oh," he lets out. "Oh, yeah. I did."

There's a pause. "And?" Goldstein asks.

"I—" he sighs. "My mother was a single mom, and an actress. I was no stranger to no one coming when I cried after about the age of five. But she never abandoned me. I always had a nanny. There was always someone to feed me, make sure I got to school, you know?"

"I do," Goldstein agrees. "But did you feel like your emotional needs were met?" Castle sighs. "Did you always feel safe? Did you feel like you could always go to someone if you were scared? If you were sad?"

He sits for a moment, weighing his words. No, he didn't. He spent his childhood and adolescence bouncing around from person to person, prep school to prep school. He loves his mother, and she always gave him the time she could, but she wasn't always the best at comforting him, at coming if he needed her.

"No, I guess I didn't," he admits, keeping his eyes fixed on the bookshelf over Goldstein's head.

"And do you think, looking at your life up until now, that those feelings, that lack of security, had or has an effect on how you interact with people?" Goldstein asks.

"Of course it does," he lets out, louder than he means to. Both Kate and Johanne startle. "Sorry," he mumbles, glancing at Kate before focusing on Johanne. "Sorry, bug."

He looks back at the doctor and squirms. "I'm not—I'm not always the most open of people either," he says, feeling more than seeing as Kate stares at him. "And I haven't had that much success with…relationships. Which wasn't always my fault, but I'm sure it had something to do with it."

"Your lack of being open, you mean?" Goldstein probes.

"Yeah," he says, his voice thicker than it was before. "I—certainly not to the extent Kate has, but there's a pattern of abandonment to my adult life too, if you want to put it that way."

"It's not a contest of who had the roughest time," Goldstein assures him. He can see Kate nodding in his periphery. "Abandonment is abandonment, and it comes in many forms. I think it's good that you're able to see that your relationships have had an effect on how you perceive the world, Rick. And you as well, Kate."

"But he's great with his daughter," Kate lets out. He turns to look at her, surprised. She blushes faintly but keeps her eyes on Dr. Goldstein. "He's so good with her, attentive and constantly available. He's a really great dad."

"I'm sure he is," Goldstein says with a smile. "I certainly can imagine, given how he interacts with Johanne." Kate nods. "I'm not saying that any of the issues the two of you have faced will have an effect on Johanne or predict the way either of you will interact with a child. I ask these questions so you can reflect on your own experiences, and find ways to connect with what Johanne must be feeling. Your answers in no way predict your behavior with Johanne, or with anyone else for that matter."

They just stare at him.

"Understanding your tendencies based on past experience, especially interpersonal ones, can help you make more active decisions about your relationships in the present. All right," he says, clapping his hands together. "Our time is up. As always, please, don't hesitate to call, and don't be too rough on yourselves. You're making splendid progress. I can see it."

"Thank you," Castle manages, standing and shouldering the smaller baby bag. They walked today with the stroller.

"No homework?" Kate wonders as she stands with Johanne.

"Kate," he whines. She just gives him a look.

Dr. Goldstein laughs at the pair of them. "Think about what you came up with this week, and what you've learned about each other. Consider what that might mean for you going forward. And have a good week."

He smiles and ushers them out the door, leaving them in the hallway as he walks back toward another room. By mutual decision, they leave the office quickly. Castle manages the stroller while Kate makes their next appointment. He straps Johanne into her seat, pulling a face to see her smile before he feels a hand on his back.

"You guys good?" Kate asks softly.

"Yeah," he says, standing straight and letting her lead him out of the office.

They're quiet as they head down to the street. His mind is reeling, caught between the realization that Kate has so much faith in him, and his own worries that maybe he's just not able to have a good relationship, maybe he's not open enough, and because of that, she can't be open enough. And what if they don't work out? What if they start something and it disintegrates? How would he pick himself back up after that?

"The park?" Kate wonders as they hit the street.

"Sure." The park is better than heading home and sending her back to the precinct. "Do you have to—"

She shakes her head and leans down to tuck the blanket tighter around Johanne as they wait at a crosswalk. "I took the rest of the afternoon."

"Oh, good," he says inanely.

She gives him a tight smile and they spend the rest of the four block walk in silence. She stays close, smiling at Johanne every so often, her arm brushing his every few steps.

"Where to?" he asks as they clear the entrance to the park.

"We could find a bench?" she offers.

And though it's better than wallowing at home alone, he's not sure he's up for discussing anything deep right now. He's not sure he trusts himself. But before he can decide, she's spotted one and tugs him over, pulling out a bottle for the baby while he gets her unstrapped and settled in his arms.

"Do you wanna feed her?" she asks, sitting down beside him.

"I can."

"Okay."

She passes over the bottle and he offers it to Johanne. The girl instantly latches on, but drinks lazily. He smiles at that. "Good girl, Josie," he coos. "I bet you would have cried if you needed it badly, huh?"

She kicks her legs, little blue socked feet wiggling as she sucks. Her fingers grip onto his where he holds the bottle and he grins at her.

"Yeah, I got you, bug. You're safe with me."

"Does Castle have you, Jose?" Kate adds, leaning in to rest her chin on his shoulder so she can look at Johanne.

He prides himself on the fact that he doesn't startle at the feeling. Her hand wraps around his arm and together they watch her daughter drink her bottle, looking calm and happy and for all the world like she's been with them forever. Been with Kate forever.

"You really are good with her," Kate murmurs, her voice close to his ear, her fingers warm around his arm.

"So are you." She digs her chin lightly into his shoulder at that.

"Do you think she'll really be okay?"

He turns his head to catch a glimpse of her, and finds her closer than he thought she was, their noses inches apart. It takes him a second to find his voice again.

"I do," he promises.

"I just—" she blows out a breath and looks down at Johanne, so he does too, giving her some space for this, despite the fact that she's resting on his shoulder. "We're both so—those things, those events, those people, they've had such a lasting effect on both of us. Do you really think she'll come out of this untouched?"

He sighs. "She's only five and a half months, Kate. It's not the same as…as what we've gone through."

"But you said you think your childhood had this lasting effect on your relationships, and I just—look, I know my mother's death is different from hers, but I can't help feeling like if I can't get over it, how is she supposed to?"

He goes to reply but notices Johanne popping off of the bottle, a little bit of formula dribbling down her chin. He smiles at her and shifts, regrettably dislodging Kate from his shoulder.

"Can you get me a burp cloth?" he asks quietly.

She nods and grabs the bottle, moving around him to grab a cloth from the stroller, giving him a few moments to gather his thoughts. She places the cloth on his shoulder then settles back beside him, watching as he brings Johanne up and starts rubbing her back.

"She's a baby," he decides, meeting Kate's eyes as she watches them. "And she's got you. She's so loved, and she knows it now. She's learning every day. She's not going to spend her childhood on the sidelines of your life. You'll tell her every day how much you love her, will drop everything to be there if she needs you. I know you, Kate. You're not going to neglect her, willingly or unwittingly."

Kate nods slowly. "And you? She's got you too, Castle."

"Yeah, she does," he agrees. "And she always will. But it's—she'll learn that I'm always there even when she can't see me, can't crawl into bed with me."

Kate bites her lip and he breaks their eye contact, focusing on Johanne as he feels her squirming until she lets out a little burp.

"Good girl," he whispers, raising his hand to run it over the back of her head.

"Castle."

He turns, feeling a little weary now. He's not sure how much more of this conversation he can take. His heart hurts. His head hurts. He just wants to live in right now, so he doesn't have the time to think about them leaving the loft.

"We're not going to abandon you," she says softly, meeting his eyes, something like resolve shining through. "Just…so you know, okay?"

He gapes at her for a second before nodding. "Okay."

"I mean, I just want you to know," she continues. "I know I'm not the most open person, and you're not either, but we're—we're in this together right?"

"Of course," he says, knee-jerk. "'Course we are. 'Till the wheels fall off, Beckett."

"Okay," she says, her face breaking into a gorgeous smile. "Okay. Then let's go home."

"Sure," he lets out, momentarily dazed.

"Castle," she says, laughing a little as she stands. He looks up at her. "Home. Come on."

She reaches down and takes his hand, pulling him to stand. She looks up into his eyes and smiles before glancing back down and focusing on Johanne, that beautiful open look still all over her face.

"Yeah, okay. Let's go home," he says.