Chapter 9: Redemption
Gil had spent that night, the next morning, and the next afternoon avoiding all calls. He thought that there was no more news, no more events or conversations that needed to happen, and that he needed to be a part of. He just wanted this time for himself, and he wanted to be able to hear himself think. Gil had gone down to the restaurant for breakfast and lunch, during which he didn't even realize he was eating. He was trimming his beard around nine o'clock to head to dinner, which he did not have an appetite for when he heard the bell ring. He assumed it was someone from the Front Desk or the Concierge.
"Who is it?" Gil knew better than to open doors without asking.
"It's me…Catherine."
He froze; why was she here, just when he was trying to calm down and relax. He didn't know what to do: should he open the door or should he leave it shut, giving some feeble excuse of illness? He opened it, immediately regretting it when he saw her standing in front of him. He gave her a tight smile, but he could feel himself shake.
"Hi Catherine." He tilted his head and hoped he gave of an air of indifference.
"Can I…come in?"
"Sure…I was just relaxing for a bit." He opened the door casually and she brushed by, causing him to close his eyes briefly and prepare himself for the sweet torture that he was about to endure.
"So…the jury called guilty." Catherine told him, as she skimmed her eyes over the room and the state of cleanliness it was in.
"I know. Jen called to tell me." He purposefully put emphasis on Jen's name and saw Catherine pause. "What was it that you wanted to see me about?" He knew he was hurting her pride to have to give in and say thank you when they weren't on such good terms, and although he thought he could enjoy it a little, he couldn't; it hurt him more.
"I just wanted to say…"
"Thank you, I know. Ian called and told me the other day. I told him to pass my apologies onto you, but I guess he didn't." Gil didn't even give her a chance to speak, and it hurt him physically to be putting on this act, which was now getting out of his control.
"Oh…he did, did he?" Catherine now looked dejected and she hugged herself.
"Yep." Gil nodded. Then he realized the softness of her voice that he had so longed to hear. He had been so wrapped up in his want for vengeance that he failed to notice her. He wanted to apologize for being such a jerk, but he couldn't; he was a coward who still wanted to keep the small shards of his broken pride. He was still picking up after his complete breakdown.
"Gil…" Catherine started and Gil clenched his jaws. "I…I…I think I know how much I hurt you when I left." Her voice broke slightly. He frowned, and he scoffed but his heart broke yet another time as memories of his pain passed by his eyes.
"You…when? What are you talking about?" He couldn't even look at her directly. Then she stepped closer to him.
"I really hurt you, didn't I?" She asked, and Gil closed his hand to make a fist and tensed all the muscles in his body to keep standing straight.
"Hurt me? No…I was happy for you." He knew he was shaking and his eyes were wandering around the room.
"You weren't happy for me! Tell me why you didn't call!"
"I was busy okay? You're not the only important thing in my life, you know. I had better things to do than to call you and try and make it all okay!" Gil shot back.
"Gil, stop it! I know how much I hurt you because that's how much I'm hurting right now!" His eyes shot to her but she was looking at the floor. He saw tears form in her eyes. "I don't know how we ever came to this…to the point where we can't even be in the same room or…look at each other, even. But…I guess it's all my fault. I...I also wanted to say thank you…for letting personal stuff slop over into a case." She took shaky breaths and Gil saw that she fidgeted with her fingers. He quickly averted his gaze as her head slowly came back up. "I'll leave now…That's…That's really all I had to say." She started to move towards the door. Gil felt himself suddenly start to panic, and he almost broke down when Gil's heart decided to act on its own.
"God only knows how much I've missed you." He whispered, and he felt his fists uncurl, the tension leave his body to the point he was almost afraid he might drop to the ground. His back was towards the door and he could feel the suspension in the air.
"What did you just say?" Her voice was trembling.
"God only knows how much I've missed you…Cath." He uttered the words and sighed as his whole form slumped. He still refused to face her, as he shook his head. He heard footsteps come closer to him and heard Catherine sigh. Gil continued. "You really did hurt me, more than anyone ever had. Ever since you left, I kept wondering why you had to leave, why you had to leave just then and…wanting to hate you, I told myself that I'll never see you, that it was all over and the more I turned away from the thought of you, I…I started to hate myself and miss you more and for the first time since as long as I can remember…You made me cry, Catherine. Sitting at home, looking at the pictures on my wall…you know me better than anyone else. I'm not one to show my feelings, but that night…I was just drunk enough to let go and…I cried." Gil exhaled as he told her the truth. He heard her quietly sniffle.
"You bastard. Do you know how long I've been waiting for your call? Waiting for you to somehow make the first contact?" She cried and when Gil turned around, her hands covered her face. He gave in to the voice inside his heard as he took her in his arms. It was a desperate plea for physical contact for the both of them. He tried to be as close to her as possible and held her to his form tightly, to the point that he was afraid he might hurt her. She held onto him as she had done that momentous day. "I could only dream of you saying that, you bastard!" Sobs wracked her body, and her sobs along with Gil's shaky sighs, echoed in the room.
"I'm sorry I didn't call. I'm sorry I was being a jerk. You can hate me as much as you want now, for trying to look as if I was unaffected and as if there was anything more important in my life than you." He confessed.
"I can't hate you, Gil. I should hate myself, at this point."
"No, if you're going to hate yourself, just hate me. I don't want you to think any of this was your fault. I'm so sorry." He hugged her tighter to him, and he hated his sweaty palms which were probably dampening her shirt.
"You shouldn't apologize so much. It's your fault as much as it is mine." She answered and their embrace turned from a desperate grasp to a comfortable hold. It was as if the cold front that they had been giving each other, completely melted. He leaned into her, still holding her firmly. He kissed her shoulder tentatively, drawing a content sigh from her lips. She drew back and looked into his eyes, and Gil felt utterly exposed and wondered if she knew what he was thinking.
"Do you know how much I've missed you?" She asked, her arms still linked around his neck. "I know you keep saying that you were too busy to call me, and all those things. But…it's my fault too. I should have known you better than that. I should have known that you wouldn't call me first, since you've always been the socially inept one. I guess I just wanted you to take the first step just this one time. Then life took hold of me. I'm sorry."
"I understand, Catherine." He nodded, and he tried not to grin. "I'm sorry too."
"Are we good?" She asked, smiling. Gil could only give in to the urge and grin as he nodded.
"We'll be fine."
Gil couldn't stop smiling and he knew Catherine could see how relieved he was. But he knew she didn't see the left-over bitterness behind the grin, knowing that she was with someone else. They hugged one more time before slowly breaking off.
"I really did miss you, Catherine." Gil told her, determined to make his visit short, but memorable. She blushed under his comment.
"I believe you. I mean…you, who doesn't do physical contact, just frantically swept me into your arms. What else could it be? You're not that good an actor." She told him, and he chuckled nervously. "You know…I think you owe me a drink."