Chapter ten :

Living:

Trying to catch her breath Jane fell back on her pillows and took a quick look at her alarm clock : 6 am, time to wake up and feed the animals.

Reluctantly dragging herself towards the bathroom Jane could feel the warmth streaming down her legs and wondered how she would be able to look at Maura in the eyes after having such an erotic dream and how if she could find a way to stop having such inappropriate dreams.

Stepping into the shower Jane immediately turned the cold water on and as the water started to stream down her entire body she took this opportunity to gather her thoughts. As reluctant she was to accepts her feelings Jane was not in denial anymore and knew that as long as she kept denying herself the right to act on her feelings the dreams would continue. Obviously her feelings for Maura were deep and sincere and weren't about sex but the tension that had grown over the past years and even more since Maura had arrived in Vermont had turned Jane's sincere love into an obsession that she was fighting harder than she ever fought anything in her entire life. Every time Maura was talking all she could focus on were her gorgeous and sweet lips, when they were lying on the grass napping all she could think about was her breasts, her belly that seemed to call her, to taunt her and she had to use all her will power to resist the urge to touch her friend.

After a quick shower Jane quickly jumped into her usual working clothes and very quietly made her way to the barn as not to wake Maura up.

Around 7 am Maura's internal clock unfortunately woke her up and thinking Jane must have started without her she simply jumped into an old pair of jeans and a casual shirt before joining Jane.

"I see you started without me." Her hand shoved in her pocket Maura casually stepped into the barn confident that Jane and her were okay.

"Yeah. I woke up a little late and I could not wait for you to get ready and I didn't want to wake you up." Jane was in Pumpink's stall , gloves on and a pitchfork in her hands and she was meticulously collecting the soiled bedding, gathering it in a big pile. Almost ignoring Maura's presence, Jane continued to work, avoiding eye contact every time she moved towards the wheel barrow to dump the soiled bedding she had collected.

"When I think about all the time I had to drag you out of bed to go running..." Smiling at Jane's commitment Maura tried to step into the stall but was blocked by the wheel barrow.

"I don't really have a choice. One of Mrs Ryan's guys quit the week and I offered to replace him. I have responsibilities and I can't bail on her."

"I get that Jane and I would be happy to help, so where do you want me to start?" Despite not having any experience in this particular field Maura was a fast learner and was eager to start.

"I'm good by myself, how about you go back to the house? Mrs Ryan should wake up soon so you won't be alone." Jane replied looking straight in Maura's eyes this time, determined to show her that her presence was not wanted here.

"But you asked me to come help you, don't you remember?" Maura replied frowning in disbelief.

"Well I have changed my mind, the same way I have changed my mind about you staying here. It's been two weeks, I think it's time you go back to Boston Maura."

"Wow, look who's grumpy that early in the morning. Why don't I go make you a cup of coffee I know you're not yourself until you have one." Taking a step back Maura was hoping that this sudden rudeness was only caused by Jane's bad morning mood and was not a result of the incident that had occurred the previous day.

"No Maura. This is me talking. This was a mistake and I want you to leave please. I'm sure Bass and my mother miss you, you know you're the daughter she never had."

"Is this what this is about? Do you feel that your mother doesn't miss you or misses me more because she phones me everyday and not you? Because you know as well as I do that she only calls me because you made it clear to her and every one else that you needed to be alone and that calling me is the only way she has to know if you're okay."

"Well you can tell her I'm perfectly fine and that I'm happy here."

"Are you? Are you pushing me away again because you're happy or because you're uncomfortable about what happened yesterday and refuse to face it. Look at me Jane." Suddenly things became really clear for Maura and this time she wasn't willing to let Jane get away cowardly so she grabbed her sleeve and forced her to look at her knowing that by looking in her eyes she would read her mind, or at least she was hoping to.

"You should not fool around someone who's got a pitchfork in her hand Maura." Jane groaned, her voice was aggressive and slightly deeper than usual and her eyes were threatening, Maura was pushing her buttons and she was about to regret it.

"You know what Jane? I'm tired of this situation. I told you I would wait for you to be ready but what I can not accept is you pushing me away like that. You want me to leave? Fine, I'll take the next flight back to Boston but know that as soon as I arrive home I will pack my things and you will never see me again Jane. I have been waiting for you for too long and we have been through too much together to let you treat me like that. I'm worth better than this." Just like that she was done. She was done being the one believing in them and fighting for something she seemed to be the only one to believe was worth it.

"No Maura, wait." That's not what Jane wanted. She did not want Maura to disappear from her life on a permanent basis. She just needed space and time and as Maura walked away she understood that she might have lost her for ever and as much as it hurt she could not let that happen.

"What? Do you need your shirt back?"

"Look Maura, I know that I'm fucked up and that I don't deserve your patience, understanding and even less your love but I do love you back Maura, I really do but I'm completely lost. I'm lost because I have never been truly in love before, sure I got some crushes on guys over the years but it was never love. When I think about you I want to change, to be a better person, someone who would be good enough for you to get married or have children with, someone you can trust and count on but I don't know how to be that person or if I even can, not when I feel I'm never gonna be able to be opened about who I am to my mother and the people I love or work with." Her speech wasn't prepared and the words literally slipped out of her mouth as they reached her brain, blurry and probably inadequate but she knew Maura would understand her, she always did.

"I already told you Jane, what ever is happening between us is our business and our business only. I told before that I would more than happy to build a life with you here, just you and me." As word slipped away from Jane's mouth they literally hit Maura in the face, their intensity and the sincerity in her friend's voice were overwhelming.

"I don't know how Maur'." Almost making her fall on her knees Jane's legs suddenly abandoned her. She had spent to many years and energy fighting herself and she could not anymore.

"Then let me show you." Maura replied as she quickly took a step towards Jane to prevent her from collapsing.

"Can you just let me finish this and wait for me at our usual spot? It shouldn't be long." Feeling Maura's strong arms around her and her warm voice caressing her ears Jane suddenly felt stronger, maybe not strong enough to be the person Maura needed her to be yet but enough to talk to her about her dreams.

"Take as much time as you need." Maura replied kissing Jane's forehead confident that her little ultimatum had had the effect she had hoped for and had scared Jane enough to grow some courage and finally tell her what she had been hiding from her ever since she left Boston a month ago.

About half an hour later Jane finally joined Maura next to their favourite tree with two cups of hot coffee and some apple pie Maura had baked the previous day.

"Here you go sweetheart." Jane said as she carefully laid the tray she was caring in front of her friend.

"Thank you. Maybe we should have breakfast before we can talk." Despite feeling Jane much more relaxed Maura could see the anxiety on her friend's face and knew too well what anxiety could do to someone's ability to be clear and concise.

"No. It shouldn't take long. I just want to get this off my chest." Sitting next to Maura Jane's legs were lifted up her chest and she was still unable to establish a proper eye contact.

"Come on Jane, just breath. I promise you that what ever you have been keeping from me won't change the way I feel about you. I love you." Sliding closer to Jane Maura started to pat her back with her hands hoping that slight physical contact would comfort her and not scare her away.

"I know. Actually I'm pretty sure you're gonna find it intriguing and even amusing and that you're going to tell me that it's a perfectly normal phenomena that I shouldn't be embarrass about it." Slightly shivering as she felt Maura's breath on her cheek and her hand on her back Jane was perfectly aware of how ridiculous the situation was and was hoping they could laugh about it in the near future.

"Well I am a scientist and as such it's important that I keep an open mind and I try my best not to judge people."

"Good. So where do I start? Do you remember me telling you that Jo Friday had been feeling neglected and used it as an excuse to go home early that friday? I think you knew it was an excuse because you came to my place to check up on me and I remember not allowing you in and slamming the door at your face."

"I remember. I went home after that and try to make sense of what had happened and tried to analyze your behavior and when I confronted you again the next morning you told me you were planning on going away for a while to clear your head." How could Maura ever forget the day Jane had told her she was going on vacation for an undetermined period of time, leaving her behind in the blur?

"Yes, well there is a reason why I acted distant and decided to fly town. As you know I have been fighting my feelings for you for a long long time and I managed to keep it together pretty well until something happened that made me face those feelings and I wasn't ready for that."

"What happened Jane?" Maura replied as she reached out for Jane's hand and started rubbing her scar with her thumb.

"I dreamed about you."

"That's perfectly natural Jane. We literally spend our days together and I often dream about you too." For a genius Maura was sometimes clueless and it didn't make things easier for Jane.

"Not that kind of dream Maura…." Slightly shrugging her shoulders Jane gathered enough courage to turn her head and look Maura in the eyes. She needed to see her reaction knowing that her eyes couldn't lie.

"Oh…I see…Would you be willing to share that dream with me?" Unwilling to pry and invade Jane's privacy further Maura was none the less curious and also flattered.

"I don't remember it in details but I woke up sweating with that vivid image of you naked, on top of me."

"So you let me be on top, how thoughtful of you." Maura's right hand was still drawing small circles on Jane's back and her left hand was still rubbing her arm and with that joke she was hoping to lighten the atmosphere.

"It's not funny Maura!" God sometimes Jane hated Maura's ability to laugh about everything and and to keep her sense of humour in any situation.

"I know. I'm sorry for being insensitive but there is nothing to be ashamed about. You have been repressing your feelings for so long refusing to talk about or even thing about it and I think those dreams are a way your subconscious has to force you to face them."

"I know and that's why I had to leave. As I said I had my feelings almost under control and I had been able to work and be friends with you for several years but having that dream I knew that I had lost the little control I had and I needed to get it back."

"I understand. Would it be a fair assumption to say that you had another dream last night?"

"Yes I did. Maybe it was because I let my guard down and allowed myself to get close to me again or maybe it was seeing you wearing that bikini but yeah I had another dream. Thankfully I woke up before I had the chance to… you know."

"Climax? Did you climax the first time?" The last thing Maura wanted was to make Jane feel even more uncomfortable but she wasn't able to control herself and literally chocked on her saliva when she realised that Jane had climaxed just by dreaming about her.

"Yes I did. Oh please don't look at me like that. It's already embarrassing enough as it is." Jane mumbled as she shamefully buried her head between her knees.

"No Jane. It's not embarrassing. I know you're not the kind of woman who gets bothered easily and I'm flattered that the simple thought of having sex with me made you climax." Maura replied as she gently tossed a strand of Jane's hair behind her ear.

"Well, I certainly prefer to be waken up by an intense orgasm than by the thought of Hoyt pinning me down with his scalpel…" Slowly rising her head Jane was feeling a bit better knowing that Maura wasn't judging of making fun of her but the embarrassment was still here.

"I'm glad if I helped the nightmares go away." Maura replied as she gently cup Jane's face with her left hand.

"You did Maura, way before I had that dream."

"I'm glad. " Maura was smiling and her face was only a few inches from Jane's. The ME who was always so confident in her seduction techniques and who never hesitated to take the first step was suddenly unsure on how to process. Should she kiss Jane and take the risk to see her push her away again or should she give Jane some time and allow her to take the lead taking the risk to lead her to believe she didn't feel the same way?

"So what do we do now?" The strong, independent Detective who was a team leader at work but also in her personal life didn't know what to do and what action to take and was desperately waiting for Maura to lead the way .

"We start living." Gently moving her head towards Jane Maura gathered all the courage she had in her and kissed her. It wasn't a passionate and wet kiss but a very gently and sweet kiss. As their lips finally touched Maura started to brush Jane's with the tip of her tongue gently pressing on them hoping Jane would grand her access.

Slightly shaking Jane whose eyes were closed completely gave the control away and shyly opened her mouth to welcome Maura's tongue and as their tongues started to tangle together she felt her heart rate increasing and her heart pinning but strangely never felt so calm and confident in her entire life. She didn't know what that kiss meant yet but it was good and she was determined to indulge herself for once and enjoy this moment fully.

Hello my dear readers : I wasn't expected so many reviews and vivid reactions when I posted the last chapter. I love how invested and passionate you all are about this story!

I hope you weren't shocked by Maura's ultimatum but enough is enough and there comes a point when you just can't take it anymore right? I hope the way I dealt with this incident and had Jane confide in Maura about the dreams satisfied you.

So they kissed. What do you think it means? Are they like a couple? How is Jane going to react afterwards? I think we can all feel that Jane wants this and she's gonna make a lot of efforts to open herself to the idea of being with Maura but there will be a few set backs.

I don't know if your noticed but I changed my style a bit to see if I could make my writing more visual. I'm just trying new things and see if it works :)

Thanks for the support.