SUGGESTED LISTENING: "TRUE BLACKNESS" BY SATANIC WARMASTER
After a night of well-earned hyperslumber and saintly substance abuse, the Biker Brethren trod into the final level of Trotsky Tower. Resting in the center of this chamber was a gleaming altar that held an electric guitar hewn from polished obsidian that was emblazoned with ancient patriotic runes. Surely, this was the Communist-Slayer of legend.
Abraham Lincoln closely inspected an ancient tapestry hanging from the wall, a document written in hellbeast blood in a language long forgotten by modern Americans. Garfield begins inserting garbled Japanese phrases into his everyday speech, often proclaiming that lasagna is "kawaii."
"The tapestry states that our final challenge is one of a mental nature, rather than physical," Abraham Lincoln expounded in a hushed tone, garnering the attention of his fellow bikers. "The divine Communist-Slayer is protected by an ancient hex, you see. We shall all receive a great mental temptation upon wielding this pious instrument as our greatest desires shall be made corporeal. Only those who can resist these sinful visions shall be crowned worthy enough to command its almighty power. And if we cannot resist these temptations... we shall perish."
Michael Jordan courageously removed this guitar from its resting place. He rubbed his rugged hands atop its glistening surface and passed it to each of his fellow compatriots for their own inspection.
"L-Lasagna! There's pasta everywhere, as far as the eye can see! Spaghetti, cavatappi, ditalini, macaroni, rigatoni, niggeroni!" Garfield bellowed in astonishment. He began frothing lustfully from the mouth as the false visions of the Communist-Slayer began to take form in his feeble mind.
The portly man-cat quickly relented to his carnal desires. Garfield slobbered profusely and voraciously devoured the mummified remains of a dead Communist with the erroneous belief that it was lasagna.
Sonic turned up his nose in disgust, truly coming to understand the strength of the Communist-Slayer. The other bikers soon succumbed to their own puissant hallucinations, save for Sonic. The American hedgehog was perplexed as to how these false visions had yet to affect him despite clutching the Communist-Slayer in his own two hands.
Michael Jordan tenderly nuzzled against Madoka's neck. He ran his swarthy fingers through her pink hair as the two passionately locked lips, blissfully unaware that his tragically deceased wife was naught but a mere illusion. Sonic vigorously shook Air Jordan and slapped him an innumerable amount of times with his artificial gun-cock. But to the hedgehog's dismay, he was unable to break this righteous baller out of his dreamlike trance.
"Don't waste your energy, cracker killer. The only way to render this dwimmercraft inert is to rock the fuck out and play a pious black metal riff on the Communist-Slayer!" Richard Nixon grumbled throatily. Curiously, he too was unaffected by the illusions just as Sonic was.
The five entranced patriots writhed upon the floor in agony as their visions grew in intensity and depravity. Although Sonic hated the thought of having to resort to relying on Nixon's help, he was left with no choice but to heed his cryptic advice.
The sweaty hedgehog took the legendary Communist-Slayer into his own two hands. He channeled all of the divine fuckrage of his patriotic lineage into a heavenly song that transcended the astral barriers of time and space, calling out in the collective minds of all American warriors who fearlessly walk in the grace of Washington. Richard Nixon unsheathed his own guitar, joining Sonic in this righteous song of American might.
"Fellow patriots, lend me your ear
Light a blunt and crack open a cold beer
There's too much confusion, I can't get no relief
So listen close now, my friends
I'm gonna make this tune brief...
Freedom is my lady!
She shines red, blue, and white
Freedom is my lady!
Thinkin' about her is makin' my jeans tight
Freedom is my lady!
She's my sweet patriotic baby
Freedom is my lady!
When it comes to lovin', it's yes or no, never maybe
Freedom is my lady!
She's sweet like Mountain Dew™ in ice
Freedom is my lady!
She's gonna take me to paradise!"
Abraham Lincoln awoke from the illusion first, and was soon followed by Michael Jordan and the other Biker Brethren. Sonic fell to his knees, drenched in sweat and urine and wholly drained from using the almighty power of George Washington's guitar. Honest Abe ran to tend to the exhausted hedgehog, rendered completely speechless that this American warrior could wield the Communist-Slayer with such ease and immaculate skill.
"Expertly done, my star-spangled brother! If you don't mind my asking, how did you manage to overcome your carnal desires and wield the ancestral weapon of my great grandfather?" Abraham Lincoln inquired as he utilized his otherworldly powers to restore Sonic to full strength.
"Well nigga, thing is, I didn't have any kind of gay-ass vision," Sonic flatly admitted, shocking Honest Abe and the Biker Brethren.
"I-Incredible brother, you are truly a patriot among patriots! To have a mind so prodigiously empty of all inhibitions or sinful temptations... it's unheard of! It's almost as if your only desire in life is slaying Communists!" Michael Jordan praised.
The bikers shared a keg of ale with the American hedgehog, laughing thunderously into the starless night. These drunken festivities were interrupted when a Communist missile homed in on Trotsky Tower. Its deadly warhead detonated on impact, demolishing almost half of this fortified installation in one blow. Sonic yanked a large piece of shrapnel out of his dick and gazed down from the zenith of the ruined tower, shocked to see a host of millions of heavily armed Marxist soldiers lying in wait. Garfield can't stop vomiting up the corpse he devoured.
Leading this accursed task force secure aboard his battleship was the corrupted warlord Joseph Stalin. He was accompanied by the depraved and mentally unhinged lieutenant Adam Sandler and the newly rebuilt mercenary who now went by the name of Cyborg Pooh.
With the Communist-Slayer now in hand, the greatest battle for the Biker Brethren was about to begin...