Erin went to a wonderful café on the top floor of a tower. There were windows on every walls which plunged the café onto the city of Chicago. She had a meeting with Julia, Carl's wife. Erin wanted to know more about the big hit that they were about to achieve. Since Jay left her in the shadows, she considered that Julia could enlighten her a little more.

She entered in the very modern room and searched for Julia. After a few seconds she saw her sitting in a table in front of a window. She had to admit, she took a very good spot.

Erin arrived by behind Julia and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey Julia, how are doing?" she asked calmly.

"Oh hey" Julia respond as she turned around to face Erin. Erin was wearing a pale pink slim jean with a white long-sleeves pull. Her hair hanged in a ponytail. "I'm doing fine. What about you? And Jay?" she asked sincerely.

"Well I'm doing good" she responded as she sat in front of woman. "as for Jay" she continued "I don't know". She looked at her hands "He looks…"

"lost?" Julia finished her sentence. Erin looked up to meet Julia's eyes full of compassion.

"Yeah" she murmured with her raspy voice looking back at her hands. "he doesn't talk to me anymore, there is no more conversation. He won't let me in…"

"It's normal Erin" Julia put her hands on Erin's. "He just came from a hell he used to leave and the comeback to reality is very difficult to deal with. All he wanted since he came back was to take back his old life… but it's nearly impossible for these soldiers. They are marked for life." There was a silence "He's doing nightmares doesn't he?"

Erin didn't respond. Instead she looked through the window. She thought at all the nightmares Jay did since this mission.

Julia understood he had some. She continued "He relieves these traumatic events and he's unable to prevent these memories to come back haunting him. He lives with them, every day, every night, every single seconds… in every moment he passes with you. It's horrible Erin." Julia tried to catch Erin's eyes and when she found them she added "You have to understand that if he doesn't open up it's normal. Maybe he will one day… and maybe he never will. All you have to do is wait and trust him… especially now. I've been in the same position as you are now. I know how it's like. It's not funny at all, it's perturbing and scary. But it's a lot worse for him."

"What did you do for him to open up to you?"

"I've waited 8 years dear. I've waited and waited and then one day he came back… He told me he just watched a car burning and then he stopped talking." She let out a little laugh "I remember once he told me that he just stared at the emptiness and he began to open up. It was little things but it was a lot."

"What's your husband gonna do to mine Julia? I need to know" Erin asked impatiently

"No you don't. All you need to know is that your husband is gonna need you to listen to him and understand what he's been through… without judging. All he has done…" there was a silence "it could exceed your imagination."Erin looked at Julia before Julia added "Don't worry. My husband will take care of him. He will not force yours to do anything. Just trust your man Erin…"

Once Erin left the café, she realized that she would learn more and more about what could be in Jay's head. And it terrified her. It was 8:15 pm when she arrived in her room but there was no one to be see. She called Jay's name several times but in vain. The room was empty. Jay left few minutes before her. She didn't know why he wasn't home. She thought he would be there when she came back and that they would pass the evening together. He didn't even leave a note for her. She told herself that maybe he needed the night off and then he would be back soon. So she cooked herself some food and watch a movie.

Meanwhile

Jay drove until the address that Henry sent him. He was anxious about this meeting; he didn't know quite what he would do.

It was 8:05 when he arrived in the place. He got off his motorbike and get off his helmet so he could have a better view of the big warehouse he was facing. He looked one last time at the address on his phone before starting to walk in. Once he arrived he saw a hug place with a high ceiling covered with a big black stain. There was nothing in the place. It was desert. Lights were switch on but there was no one. All he saw was several windows on every walls a garage door on the left. Speaking of garage door, this last one open herself to let appear a car with both carl and Henry in it. They parked the car in the middle of the place just under the black mark of the celling. He looked at Henry opening the door for Carl.

"I'm sorry for the waiting in this… emptiness." Carl said as Henry helped him to put him in his wheel chair.

"emptiness doesn't bother me…" He responded nonchalant. Was it true? He didn't know. He would have faced several time the emptiness in his life. But saying he was used would have been a lie.

"Is that so?... That's not what I understood from last night" Carl replied tilting his head a little bit as he looked at Jay.

Jay didn't respond. Instead he changed the subject. "Anyway… what am I doing here?" he asked as he watched Henry taking out gasoline cans from the car trunk and putting them in front of him.

"In front of you, you can find 5 cans of gasoline. I want you to pour them all over the car, all around the car and along the way until over there." Carl pointed a direction. "over there is where we are gonna stand and watch the spectacle". Jay didn't understand the point of setting on a fire at first. Of course in his job he would saw burning car or house. It didn't provide anything. And he wasn't a psycho like carl was. He didn't need to switch on fire or anything to overcome his fear. He was handling it more than fine. But he decided to do it anyway. He needed carl to trust him for the next hit.

So Jay did what he was ask to do. He poured the five cans of gasoline on the car and around it and traced a way with the liquid as far as he was told so. Once he did he threw the last cans beside him.

"What's next?" he asked Carl. This last one gave him a box of long matches. He gave Henry a nod and this one switch off the lights. They were now fully on the darkness. Jay didn't like it. He wasn't scared but the darkness made him feel uncomfortable and threatened.

"Now I want you to light a match". So Jay did it. He instinctively stared at the flame consuming the match.

"and I want you to think about what you told us on your test. Remember?... The night… where your Captain sent you and Mouse… over there…" Jay couldn't take out his eyes from the burning match. He was plunged in his dark memory. And the fact that the match was long didn't help. Carl took them in purpose.

"what did you feel Jay this night?" he could feel Jay groaning, frowning, still staring at the flame. His fingers were trembling but still, he kept the match in them. He couldn't stop trembling and and couldn't take off his memory from his head. It was dark and he could feel a cold wind taking hold of him.

The darkness, the coldness, the memory, Carl's voice, all of it was to much for him. He couldn't move. He was in his worst nightmare. He was cold and his heart was racing. His memory… he couldn't face it anymore. But it wouldn't leave his head. He was angry…scared… He tried to close his eyes but didn't help. His eyes became red. He wasn't crying but it was the result of his rage. Carl could see Jay frowning harder and harder and clenching his teeth. He was trying to calm down but Carl didn't help.

"what did you felt when you pulled the trigger… Jay?" Jay fell into his knees. He was staring at the flame but all he could think about was this… night.

"What do you feel in your chest?" Carl asked slowly as he looked at Jay intensely. He was pushing him on the edge. He knew Jay would soon break down. "Is that rage?... because she is dead?... or is that sadness? … because she was just a girl… just a little innocent girl…"

"ENOUGH" jay yelled as he threw the match on the ground where he poured the gasoline. He dropped his arms, his hands now touching the ground.He looked at the fire unrolling along the line of gasoline he poured along the ground, to finally reaching the car.

They were in the dark and the only light source was the fire in front of them which illuminated their face. Henry turned his attention from the fire to Jay. He could see his hard face. Frowning, red eyes and teeth clenched. He asked himself if he was playing his role or if it was real? If not, he was really good at pretending. But he knew all wasn't fake. He could see Jay was really affected by the situation. He turned back his attention to the fire which was heading forward the car. He put his hands on his pockets and took a slow breath.

Jay looked at the car quickly joined by the fire. He let out a sigh and progressively stopped trembling. A few second after the fire reach out the car, this last one exploded, providing a bigger fire. Jay could feel the heat increase and coming over his body.

"you feeling that weight lifting off your chest?" Carl whispered to Jay who was still staring at the fire, unable to take off his eyes from it.

"that's relief… because it makes you realize that you are alive… for a reason"

Jay didn't look at him but listened to him. A tear came out from the corner of his right eyes. Jay admitted that the fire provided him something he would never feel before. He stood up still with his hard face, frowning. He continued to watch the fire consuming the car. Henry put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. Jay looked at Henry's hand and then directly at him. He nodded to him as for saying I'm fine.

"Now how are you feeling Jay?" Carl asked. First he didn't have his response. All they could hear was the fire still burning the car. It was kind of appeasing they had to admit.

"better…" Jay reply with a raspy voice.

"I'm glad you feel that way" Carl smiled satisfied.

"Now what?"

"Now you have a choice to make. You can pursue this experience by my side… or you can leave. The choice is yours"

There was a silence that felt like an eternity. Jay looked at the fire, with anger and with red eyes.

"I will let you the night to think abou…"

"I'm in" Jay cut him off.

Carl looked at Henry then at jay with a smile. "Fine"

"But in one condition…My wife doesn't know"

"Sounds good to me" he responded he held out his hand. Jay looked at it, looked at the fire for a few seconds and back to his hand and shook it. Henry was a little bit confused. Was Jay really serious about the fact not telling his "wife" or was he pretending.

"Now let's go take a drink" Carl said. They walked toward a door which reached to a cozy room. There were two couches, a TV, a bar and a refrigerator. They all sat and drank several glass of whiskey … They talked a lot about the organization, their 'achievement'. Jay was a lot confused in his head. What was he doing? He knew it was his mission to know more about this hit but a part of him has appreciated this experience he just realized.

After a few drinks, not much, he looked at his watch… it was 3 am. He stood up "I should go"

"I'll see you in 2 days to explain you all of it." He nodded and walked out the room. He was now in the huge place and kept walking while he looked, in his way out, at the decomposed car.

Once he was out from the warehouse he headed toward his motorbike and drove to the Hotel.

After midnight passed Erin decided to call it a night and went to her bedroom. Still she was worried that Jay wasn't home yet. She would put an alarm at 2 am and if he wasn't home she would start to call him. Once she did she wrapped herself in her sheets and tried to sleep. But she couldn't. She looked beside her, to the empty side of her bed and placed her hand on it.

She was thinking at her relationship with Jay. Did she really mess it all up? Who was, truthfully, Jay for her? Her partner? Her best friend? More? She was lost. She had Severide in one hand and Jay in the other. Sure she already had thought about Jay and her as more as partner.

But there were Voight's rules and the fact that Jay was with Allie and her with Kelly slowed down there growing relationship. And she got used to their partnership and friendship even if there was a lot of tension and flirt between them. Truthfully? She she had to admit kinda liked it. He made her laugh, he made her safe in every situation they would be, she could be her true-self without being judged … Yes, she was blossomed and radiant when she was with him.

And she really cared about Jay. He was one of the most important man in her life. He was her best friend and maybe she was closer to Jay than to Kelly. Jay certainly know her better than her boyfriend. She would open up to him about her past several times. And that why it hurt her when he wouldn't do the same in return. But she respected that. She needed to be patient.

It was now 2 AM and she didn't heard Jay coming back.