PERHAPS ONE DAY
Are you getting tired of me yet?
Title: She wants what she can't have.
Rating: K+
Pairings: Tony and Ziva
Warning: Tag to "A Man Walks Into a Bar…"
Summary: These people she often calls her family are not really hers. They are Kate's, and she feels that they always will be.
AN:/ I have been so busy, and so drained lately that it took me forever to get this out. They're turning angsty because I am feeling angsty … well and the show is being kinda angsty so I guess it all evens out. Plus, I am drowning my soul in some good ol' ACDC and Rage Against
Disclaimer: "Want to know the best thing about spending two days in jail?" [Pause] "Two days of Ellen on the TiVo!"
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Sometimes she wonders if she is just a replacement, because it certainly feels like she is. Kate left a void bigger than anything she could hope to fill and that scares her.
There are moments when she feels like she might actually belong here. Gibbs calls her "Ziver" and she feels like she finally has a father. McGee helps her out of a bind and Abby gives her a bone crushing hug, and she feels like just maybe she can be loved. Ducky tells her a story of his past and Palmer is in awe of her and she feels like she is cherished. Tony smiles at her and she feels like she is finally coming home. All of these things make her heart pound, and her mind to soar with the possibilities of the things that might just be in her grasp, finally. Then she comes crashing back down to earth, because she thinks that Kate probably felt all of these things as well.
These feelings that cause her heart to thud are not really her feelings to take. These people that she has come to see as a second family are not really hers to hold. She stepped into a close knit circle, and she was foolish to think that she could easily penetrate it. Some six years later and she still feels like she is standing on the outside looking in. She doesn't think that that is going to change for her anytime soon. This makes her selfish in a way she never thought she would be.
"Something permanent. Something that cannot be taken away. Is that too much to ask?"
The words that had been peeled from the back of her throat haunt her now, and she realizes that she doesn't have any of those things. There is always a possibility of the team being disbanded. Her heart clutches at the thought because it has already happened hasn't it? They have been broken apart on more than one occasion, and she fears that the next time they will not be able to return to what they were before.
She is dedicated to these people. She would put her life in their hands without a second thought, but watching them interact with someone who was so close to Kate shows her that she doesn't hold a candle. Abby doesn't see her as a gal pal, and McGee hardly looks at her more than a close confidante. She doesn't know where she stands with Tony on a good day, and that makes her body ache with a new sort of tension. She is just glad that she shares a bond with Gibbs, Ducky, and Palmer; because without that she thinks she might have given up a long time ago. Still, these people she often calls her family are not really hers at all. They are Kate's, and she feels that they always will be.
Ray has given her glimpses what she truly needed, that small bit of hope that she can hold something that isn't tainted by a shadow of someone who is better. Ray doesn't know of her life, and she plans to keep it that way. Ray sees her as a woman, and while sometimes it irks her that he thinks she needs to be sheltered, it also allows her to feel what she is sure so many other woman before her have felt. It isn't love, but it is closer than she has been in a long time. She is willing to hold onto it for all that it was worth.
"You've been acting strange ever since that mandatory psyche evaluation," Tony says. She feels her bubble burst before she can properly build it around herself, and she hates that he has the power to do this to her.
"It is nothing." To her it is nothing, just petty feelings of unresolved tensions that lay in her heart. She doesn't need to tell him about it, because he hasn't seen fit to inform her that Rachel Cransten is the sister to the one and only Caitlin Todd. She knows this already, but he doesn't think that she does; that makes it that much harder to swallow.
"We've been over this before," he sighs. She feels the air around them spark with his frustration, and she finds herself wondering if he had this short of a fuse with Kate. She doubts it. "You don't need to keep hiding from me."
"And I have told you before that I do not need to hide from anyone." She is tired of this on and off game they have going. She wants him to let go, or to hold on. She can't keep doing both, not anymore. Not after she has finally allowed herself to realize what it is she has been waiting for.
His irritation is as palpable as the tension in the air, and she feels like she has to tiptoe around every one of them now. Their wounds have been split open once again, and she has never been good at tending to heartbreaks. After all, her own heart still lays in tattered remnants of something indistinguishable upon the floor. "Ziva..." he pleads.
She shakes her head slowly, because he can't talk to her like that. He can't look at her with those soft green eyes and expect her to bend to his will just because so many other women are weak when it comes to his advances. She will not be another statistic. She is her own person.
"Ziver." Gibbs cuts in, and she looks at him with narrowed eyes because he doesn't jump into their arguments often. "Sometimes it is good to talk about it." His voice is soft, and she feels her resolve weaken because she knows that they care. She just doesn't want them to feel obligated over her, because she is only second fiddle.
"And sometimes talking only makes things worse." She is certain that her talking about things can only have negative effects, because her mind is warped.
The silence that follows stings her more than their inquisitive words, and she wishes to take her previous statement back. They look at her with their worried eyes, and she feels like her shell has cracked open to show her vulnerability. She is weak, and she thinks that they are just beginning to see that.
"Ziva." Someone states, and she doesn't really care who it is because her ears are ringing and she just wants everyone to leave her alone. She can't fix herself if they keep chipping away at the shattered pieces of her once impenetrable shell.
"There is nothing that I need to talk to any of you about." She forces a bite to layer her words, because the brutality that glosses over them usually makes them leave her alone.
She stands up abruptly, weaving around her desk as her feet thud against the ground. She needs to get away from them, because her mind is whirling with thoughts that she can't handle.
As soon as she steps through the door her shoulders slump, and she hates that it takes her much more effort to hold up her confident façade. She doesn't know what she is turning into, but she knows that with the way things are going she won't be able to keep on pretending. She once told Tony that she was tired of pretending, she just never realized that those words would continue haunt her to this very day.
She laughs humorlessly, watching her reflection with a bit of morbid fascination as she comes to rest against the sink. She finds it funny that every time she has one of these mini-episodes Tony enters her mind.
She turns the water on sharply, watching as icy beads of water pour out of the faucet before she sticks her hand beneath the stream. The water trickles through her fingers, but she does her best to make a cup out of her hands so she can pour the cool liquid over her heated face. The water bites at her skin, but she welcomes the chill that washes over her body because it allows her mind to shut off if only for a moment.
When she looks at her waterlogged expression she feels remorse. Remorse for being too late, and regret for not being smarter; she should have seen the signs. "I am sorry, Kate." Her words are a whisper that gets drowned out by the sink, but that doesn't stop her from jumping at the sound of the bathroom door swinging closed. She should have known someone would follow her in here; she made a big enough scene. She sometimes forgot that these people care for her far more than anyone at Mossad ever had.
"What do you mean by that?" Tony questions, and he sounds downright angry. Ziva can't say that she blames him, if she had been in his position she would be angry as well. She is only surprised that she hasn't been subjected to more of his anger before this point. She deserves it.
"It is nothing." She waves him off, because he wouldn't understand. She hardly understands it herself.
"You're apologizing to Kate. That's obviously something." He sounds so blasé about the entire situation, and she wants to shake him. She is here, Kate is not. It's not that she wants them to forget their fallen comrade; she just wants them to see her.
"It was my brother who killed her Tony." She is going for the obvious, and when he doesn't flinch the way she had hopes she knows that he doesn't buy her words for one second.
"Yeah, and you killed your brother." She is the one who flinches at his words. It's not that she hasn't come to terms with what she has done, because she has. It is just that when it is said so matter-of-factly it makes her feel just as heartless as she often thinks she is. "So what is it that you were really apologizing for?"
She looks up at him. Calculating the amount of strength it would take for her to push passed him in order to get to the door. She sighs in defeat, because she doesn't want to hurt him unnecessarily. As often as she threatens him she doesn't think she can inflict bodily harm on him without just cause. Even still, she can't tell him. "It does not matter Tony."
"It does." His body shifts forward, but he does not take a step to move from his spot leaning against the wall. She thinks he knows that she will bolt once she is given ample opportunity. "If it means that you would break Gibbs rules, than clearly it means something."
She looks at him curiously, because as far as she knows she didn't break a rule. He knows as much as she does that Gibbs rules influence their decisions more than anything else.
"Never apologize." He won't stop looking at her, and she wishes he would.
"I believe we have all broken that one a time or two." She tries to go for nonchalant, but she thinks she fails, because he does not back down.
"Not you." He knows her too well; the thought causes her belly to unfurl. "You don't break Gibbs' rules unless it is absolutely necessary." His voice is dark, and she wonders what he is hinting at. She tries not to think about it. "We're not leaving here until you tell me. I'll call in reinforcements if I have to."
She doesn't really know why he is pushing this. It really isn't that big of a deal. She is wallowing, and he is making her feel guilty about it. He is the only one who has that power. She wants to call his bluff, but she knows that he is being serious. If she wants to save face she has to get this over with, and she plans on making it as relatively painless as possible. "I was apologizing for trying to take her place." She doesn't drop her gaze, and she makes sure to continue looking at him so he can't see her weakness anymore than he already has.
"You can't take Kate's place, Ziva." He doesn't even hesitate; she thinks that hurts more than anything.
"That is why I said 'trying'," she says bitterly. She's getting huffy, because he still hasn't moved.
"Let me finish, please." He sounds exasperated; she doesn't think he has the right. "You can't take Kate's place." She realizes the second time hurts more than the first, and she really wishes he would let her be. "Because you have a whole place of your own." She almost misses his words, because she is so focused on the brutal beat of her heart that she took to ignoring him. She is glad that she heard him though, because it eases her mind just a little bit.
"Only because of my persistence." She doesn't know why she is trying to make light of things, but she thinks it might be because she doesn't really believe it herself.
"Well there's that." He agrees easily, and she crosses her arms as her eyebrow ticks skyward slowly. "Then there is also the fact that you're also a pretty likeable person, Ziva."
Coming from him those words mean more than he would ever know, because it is with these words that she thinks that maybe these people are her family too. And maybe she doesn't really need someone she can call her own, because these people have enough heart to beat out anyone in the world.
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I apologize in advance for this. But reviews would still be nice.
Now, since there is going to be a major TIVA depravation going on for the next who knows how long would you guys like me to analyze the episodes to death in order to find that small ounce of hope and write on it? Because I will. I still got two episode tags to write, so just let me know if you want me to keep this slow (very slow) progression forward, or turn it to a straight edged TIVA angle if possible.
P.S Reviews are gold.