I'm quite fond of psychology and I absolutely worship bad psychology, the one that tramples all the other sciences and that will offer you the ultimate (and only) way to good living.

This is why this idea had been brewing from all the very funny – not to say fabulously subtle -titles you may encounter when you go to your local bookstore or library. It seems that wizards have their showy relationship gurus too. Thank Merlin for this.

Of course, you must know by now, my real name is IronicScribe.

Archive no. 10

A Dr Marvin and Dr Little psychological self-test kit, owl-ordered.

The envelope contains a flyer, a psychological test and a correction key.

Scribbling on the third parchment is from the owner, who has not been identified.

-- Beginning of the first parchment (flyer) --

(Header) Bringing the Male into Wizards since 1898

Wizards of fine quality,

Are you tired of relationships that leave an aftertaste of dragon dung?

Are you tired of being left out from the exciting Wizarding dating scene?

No need to be a Potions Master and to lost your precious time in brewing those fancy Amortentia potions to get a little lovin'.

Work on your personal relationship skills with the celebrated Dr Marvin and Dr Little, respected authors of "She and He: An Essay on Comparative Psychology of Witches and Wizards under Seventeen" (1945), the all-time bestsellers "Wand at the Ready: Today's Wizard Psychology in Love and Relationships" (1975) – prefaced by the one and only Gilderoy Lockhart! - and "Wear the Hat: Sorting the Right Witch for You" (1979)

Since 1898, Dr Marvin and Dr Little have brought you the finest psychological treatments and self-exploration techniques to help you blossom into a confident wizard, that may conquer the lady witch…and may slay that dragon too.

Enjoy your self-diagnosis kit and feel free to owl us for precisions. Our offices are open 24/7 and our lovely CounselWitches are there to answer all your queries.

(showy signature) Dr. Magnificus Marvin

(showy signature) Dr. Minimus Little

-- End of first parchment --

-- Beginning of the second parchment (psychological test) --

(Header) Bringing the Male into Wizards since 1898

You have ordered the "Bring out the Magical Beast in You" kit.

To help you on the road of self-discovery and relationship bliss, we do invite you to honestly answer those questions.

1. As a male wizard, you do believe that witches are:

a) Beautiful, worship-worthy creatures.

b) A possible danger to your health but great conversationalists.

c) Exciting but somewhat annoying. (underlined with a frown)

d) Flesh.

2. You would describe your relationship with your mother as:

a) Amazing, on the verge of osmosis

b) Rational and intellectual, sometimes with angst

c) Civilized but sometimes on the wild side (underlined with a sigh)

d) Difficult and fiery

3. In your last relationship:

a) You accepted ridiculously girly gifts – and you wore them with pride

b) You rejected ridiculously girly gifts – and you destroyed morally the witch with abrasive language

c) You accepted ridiculously girly gifts – and you sold them

d) You accepted ridiculously girly gifts – but you threw them out/destroyed them "accidentally" (underlined with a wince)

4. When you meet a witch that captures your interest:

a) You compliment her on her good looks

b) You use your dirtiest jokes/strongest language to see how she will react and appreciate the confrontation that follows (underlined with pride)

c) You look into her eyes and you bow

d) You burn her with your gaze

5. What do you notice first on a witch?

a) Lustrous, full-bodied hair (underlined sharply)

b) Good body

c) Elegant walk

d) Interesting disposition of limbs

6. Your philosophy about your personal way in relating to witches:

a) To Love Me is to Adopt Me

b) To Fight with Me is to Love Me (underlined with hesitation)

c) May Be Wild, May Be Tamed

d) I'm not the Best Looking Wizard in the World, but I Burn, Baby. Yeah. (underlined with hesitation)

7. Words that describe your kissing technique

a) Sweet and chaste

b) Passionate, teeth will be used if necessary

c) Engulfing and powerful

d) Sloppy but efficient (underlined with shame)

Please count your a's, b's, c's and d's and consult the key.

Be ready to bring out the Magical Beast in you!

-- End of second parchment --

-- Beginning of the third parchment (correction key) --

If you have most answers in A, the magical beast in you is a UNICORN.

You are a Wizard clearly in touch with your feminine side. You understand the need for witches to speak their mind with an overflow of details when it is near bedtime. You recite beautiful poetry, you can shop shoes for the lady witch in your life but you frequently loose your girlfriends to Manticores. Our advice: Get a little dirty.

If you have most answers in B, the magical beast in you is a MANTICORE.

You are a passionate Wizard that loves a good verbal match and you do not worry about appearances. You tend to prance, but the witches are ready to pardon you a lot of your shenanigans because of your remarkable intelligence. You take great pride to conquer but women tend to fall at your feet and never really recover from it. Our advice: Accept to be touched sometimes. You'll see a 100 percent improvement in your relationships.

If you have most answers in C, the magical beast in you is a HIPPOGRIFF.

Free of mind and of spirit, you fly away when things do not go your way. Sensual, slightly overbearing, you attach a great deal of importance on following appropriate courtship. You prefer your freedom, but you will accept domestication easily if the witch in your life can feed you with substantial care. Our advice: Use your charisma to make contact.

If you have most answers in D, the magical beast in you is a BLAST-ENDED SKREWT.

A mix between fire and water, you have problems keeping your head on your shoulders in love as you find yourself torn between exploding of passion and drowning in self-misery. You may not be the most evident Wizard stud but some ladies truly do find you charming in your explosive kind of way. Our advice: Accept yourself. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

For a Galleon, get an in-depth personalized copy!

(scribbling) Bloody hell

-- End of third parchment --