CHAPTER TEN– TOBIAS 16, TRIS 14
TOBIAS POV
I've been living with the Prior's for five years now and it has been the best five years of my life. But it is all about to change. I only have two weeks before it is my Choosing Ceremony. I still have my aptitude test to take but I know what I am going to do. I know I need to leave. I just don't know how I am going to tell my family.
If it wasn't for Marcus I would probably stay. But I still remember what he said to me the day we moved into this house and I am sure he will have no problem doing it either. Then there is Evelyn, who keeps trying to be a part of my life. I wish the people of Abnegation would ban her from coming into Abnegation but they haven't. They are too busy preaching forgiveness. At least Marcus was able to stop her from re-joining Abnegation. I think it's the only positive thing he has ever done for me. Although I think he was doing it for himself because Marcus only does what is best for Marcus.
I am sitting at my desk when mum calls me down stairs. I walk down to see Marcus sitting on the couch.
"Tobias your father would like to have a word with you," mum says. "Would you like me to stay with you?"
I shake my head no. I know that she will be close by anyway. I walk over to where Marcus is sitting.
"Have a seat son," he says.
I do as he says and sit so I am out of reach if he tries to grab me.
"Tobias you are going to have your aptitude test in a couple of weeks and there are some things I need you to know. I know you don't like me and that you would like to do the opposite of anything I tell you to do. But you need to listen to me now," he says. I feel like it is the first time he has been genuine towards me ever.
"The tester is going to ask you if you were aware in the simulation. No matter what, you tell her no. It is very important that you tell the person no. Now when you are in the test you need to pick the food instead of the weapon then you need to save the child. Do you understand me?" he asks.
"Yes sir. I need to tell the tester I wasn't aware in the simulation and I need to choose the food and save the child," I say.
"Good boy. Now on Choosing Day you need to pick Abnegation. It will be selfish of you not too. The Prior's have been good to you and you need to pick Abnegation to show how much you appreciate what they have done for you. If not, I will hunt you down myself and I am sure you don't want me to do that."
"No sir," I say. I can feel myself shaking. I can't believe after all these years how much he scares me, how he still haunts my dreams and turns them into nightmares.
"Everything alright in here?" Natalie asks as she pops her head around the corner.
"Yes, yes everything is very good Natalie," Marcus says. "Well thank you for letting me talk to my son, I think I should be going now."
Marcus rises from his seat and leaves. I can't move. I feel frozen to the seat. Natalie walks over and touches my shoulder. I jump at her touch a reaction I often have after spending time with Marcus.
"Are you sure you are alright Tobias?" she asks.
"I'll be fine," I say. I get up from the couch and walk upstairs and into my room. I feel like I have so much to think about but I don't understand why Marcus would want to help me. Then it hits me. He doesn't want me to pick Abnegation to show support to the Prior's he wants me to pick Abnegation so he doesn't look bad.
Abnegation as a whole don't know that I am living permanently with the Prior's. They just think I spend a lot of time here. We never try to correct this because it could only cause me more problems with Marcus.
I wake screaming and I am covered in sweat. As usual any time spent with Marcus causes me nightmares. Tonight was worse than ever, tonight he didn't just beat me but he had captured Tris and Caleb as well and was beating them with his belt.
I sit up to find that Tris is sitting on the edge of my bed. "I've been trying to wake you up," she says.
"I'm sorry. Did I wake everyone up?"
"Probably but I think we are all used to it now. Are you sure you are okay?"
I lie back down and just shake my head no. Tris hops into bed with me and she lays with her back to my front. I put my arms around her and hold her as tight as I can.
"Tonight seemed worse than usual Tobias. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, I don't want to live through it again and if I talk about it . . .."
I don't know how long we have been lying here like this but I am really enjoying being able to be this close to Tris. I realised a few months ago that I didn't think of her as just my best friend or a sister, she means so much more to me than that. I know I can never act on it, but I can enjoy moments like these.
I can enjoy them until right now. I feel something start to stir in me and I know I need to move my body away from Tris as quickly as I can but not so that it is obvious. Shit! I think. I don't need this to be happening right now. Damn being a teenage boy.
"Tris," I say. "I think I should go and have a shower. I'm all covered in sweat from my nightmare."
"Okay, I'll change your sheets for you while you are having your shower," she says.
"Thank you," I say and then I quickly jump up and turn so I am not facing Tris. I don't want her to see the problem I am having at the moment. I open my cupboard and get clean sleep clothes out. At least now I can cover the problem.
I walk out of the room and bump straight into dad. I groan inwardly and hope that he doesn't notice the problem I am having.
"Are you alright Tobias?" he asks.
"Umm, yeah I'm fine," I say. "I am just going to take a shower, I'm all sweaty after my nightmare."
He looks at me and says, "I think you may want to have a cold shower son."
I can feel my face heating up and I am just glad that it is dark enough that hopefully he won't see how embarrassed I am.
"Yes sir," I say.
I walk into my room after having a very cold shower and dad is sitting on my bed. He gave me the sex talk a few months ago and I had never been so embarrassed in all my life and I am sure that this is going to be a similar situation right now.
"Come sit Tobias," he says. I know my face is already starting to heat up as I sit next to him on my bed. "You don't need to be embarrassed."
"Tobias what happened earlier is totally normal," he says.
"I understand that but . . .." I say.
"Are you worried because it was Beatrice that caused it?" he asks.
I nod my head. I really don't think I have words for what has happened tonight. I have been able to hide the feelings I have for her for so long and now he knows. Of all people it had to be her father.
"Tobias we all know that you have feelings for her. We see the way you look at her," he says.
"But isn't it wrong?" I ask.
"Do you think it is wrong because you live here with us? Or do you think it is wrong for another reason?" he asks.
"It's just you have taken me in and treated me like I am one of your own and I feel like I am betraying your trust," I say.
"Yes we have treated you as one of our own but that doesn't mean it is wrong. It isn't wrong to have feelings for another person. But you do need to be careful about whether you act on those feelings. You need to be aware of your ages and that you don't want to do anything that you may regret," he says.
"I would never act on these feelings," I say. "I know I love Tris but I will never tell her, I can't."
"Why do you think that way Tobias? Do you think we wouldn't approve of the two of you?"
"She deserves so much better than who I am," I say.
"Tobias I don't know where you get the idea that you aren't good enough for Beatrice. I don't understand your thinking at all. But I will tell you that although I wouldn't want to see you acting on these feelings just yet. One day in the future when you are much older I would be happy to see the two of you together. You are a good boy Tobias and you need to remember the positives that we tell you and stop dwelling on the negatives that Marcus once told you. I understand that it must be hard but you need to remember that both Natalie and I love you and we are proud of the young man you are becoming," he says.
"Thank you," I say.
"Well I think it's time we both got back to bed. And if anything like this happens again, just remember a cold shower can usually do the trick," he says with a small smile on his face. I can feel my cheeks heating up again. I am so grateful that he hasn't made fun of me but it also had given me a lot to think about. Do I stay in Abnegation or do I leave?
I only have one week until the Choosing Ceremony. I am sitting at the kitchen table with mum and dad. I was the one who asked if I could talk to both of them but now I don't really know what to say. I mean I know what I want to say, I just don't really know how to say it to them. They have given me so much and part of me now feels that I am about to betray them.
"Tobias you know you can say anything to us, we aren't going to judge you," Mum says.
"I know. It's just really hard to tell you what I want to say," I tell them.
"Is this about the Choosing Ceremony?" Dad asks.
"Yes," I say.
"Tobias this is the biggest decision that you will ever have to make. You need to think about what you want. Not what we want, not what Marcus wants or even Evelyn. This is your decision and you should choose what will be best for you," mum says.
"Ican'tstayhere," I blurt out so quickly that I don't know if they could understand what I have said.
"What was that, you need to speak a little slower Tobias," mum says. I put my head down, I can't look them in their eyes and I whisper, "I can't stay here."
"That's okay. Do you want to tell us why? Do you have any idea where you would like to go or are you going to see what your aptitude test tells you?" mum asks.
"I want to get as far away from Marcus as I can," I say. "I know where I would like to go. When Marcus was here last week he told me what to do so that I would get an Abnegation result. So I don't think the aptitude test will help me to decide. I think with all the training that I have been doing with Caleb and Tris that I would be happier going to Dauntless. I don't see myself fitting into any of the other factions. I want to learn to protect myself, I want to feel strong."
"Tobias a few years ago I told you that we would support your decision if you wanted to leave. We both left our birth factions so we understand that you need to go to where you feel you can live your life. But if you want to stay in Abnegation then we will do all that we can to make your life comfortable," mum says.
I start to shake my head. "You have both done so much for me and the only reason I would want to stay is for you," I say. "And for Tris," I whisper this part.
"Tobias you can't do this for us. We could never let you stay just so you feel better about everything that we have done for you. We all love you and that won't change just because you aren't living here anymore. As for Tris, well are you sure that she would be happy staying in Abnegation? Have you talked to her about how you feel?" mum says.
"I could never talk to her about this. I would never expect her to feel for me the way I feel for her. She deserves better," I say.
"Tobias make the decision that is best for you. We will support your decision whatever it is. It doesn't matter where you go we will always be here for you. You can always come to us. Even with 'Faction before blood' never feel you can't come here," mum says.
"Thank you. I have a lot to think about," I say. I rise from the table and walk up to my room.
I am sitting on the floor in my room when there is a knock at the door.
"Tobias I know you have a lot to think about but don't let Marcus dictate your life. Look within yourself for your decision. Remember that you are capable of anything that you put your mind too. You are a smart lad and could go far wherever you choose to go," dad says.
"Did you find it hard to leave your family?" I ask. Dad comes and sits on the floor with me.
"Yes and no. I knew I would miss them but I didn't like where Erudite was going. And I was so in love with Natalie I would have followed her anywhere. She was going to pick Erudite but I knew it was the one faction I couldn't stay in. Natalie didn't think I would be comfortable in Dauntless and I think she may have been correct with that. So I knew as long as I was with Natalie we would be good. It wasn't hard picking Abnegation although it has been hard sometimes to live up to the ways we are supposed to live. But I think that would happen with any faction you choose. I don't think there is one faction that a person could be completely happy with but it is what you want to make of it that makes it count."
"Thank you," I say. "I just hope that I can find some peace somewhere."
"Well I hope you find that peace too Tobias, you deserve it."