A/N: No, I don't own Instant Star, if I did I wouldn't let this season be the last, but I guess the actors do have to live their own lives. sigh Well, you can all thank my professor for pushing back our next exam, giving me time to work on this latest chapter. I'll work on the next as fast as I can, but no promises. Thanks again for the support and I hope you like the new chapter.
All weekend, Jude has been ignoring my calls, sending them straight to voice mail. And has she returned any of the messages I've left, no! It's Tuesday and it still hasn't changed. She's been out of the studio, hiding at home, not that I blame her. But I'm worried about her. I came up to the rooftop to get my head on straight, but it was a bad idea. All I can think about is Jude, the memories of her in my arms, her lips pressed against mine, keep replaying in my head. It was so real, I could smell her vanilla perfume, feel the satin of her dress. The sound of the door slamming jerked me from my memories. I turned and watched Kwest walk up to me, he was staring intently at my face. I know what he was seeing, I saw it myself when I looked into the mirror this morning, the blood shot eyes, the scruffy beard, the tired, drawn lines of my face. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since Thursday night and my body was showing it.
He stepped up beside me and leaned on the railing, "Hey man, Georgia's been looking for you." I nodded, not really in the mood to make any conversation, I had nothing to say, my heart is broken. Okay, maybe I'm being melodramatic, but this whole thing with Jude is killing me! I wish I could tell her how I feel, but where would that leave us? Just in an even bigger mess. Kwest turned to me and actually grabbed my shoulder, shaking me. "Tommy! You need to pull yourself together! This meltdown can't happen, not now, not here. Georgia's looking for you 'cause she called Jude in. Get yourself together so she doesn't freak when she sees you, she's under enough stress right now, dealing with Shay's betrayal." I didn't look at him, just looked at the hand gripping my shoulder and stepped back, forcing him to either follow or release me. He released me. I looked him in the eyes and he gasped, I guess he saw the pain that was tearing me up inside reflecting in my eyes.
"Shit man! You're really screwed up and I don't know how to help you. She's sixteen Tommy!" I turned on him, finally letting emotion through, although I'd feel guilty later at getting mad at him, he was only trying to help after all. "Don't you think I know that Kwest! It's messing with my head, I love her and I can't be with her! Hell! I can't even tell her what I feel! I have to hurt her to get her to back off and it ends up hurting me worse, seeing the pain that I, not Shay, not anyone else, but ME, put her through! You don't think I know what I can or can't do Kwest? I know perfectly well what would happen if I crossed that line with her, and I'm not about to ruin either of our lives by doing that. I'm not that type of guy!" Kwest grabbed me into a hug, forcing me to calm down. He released me and looked at me, trying to find the right words to say. "I know this hurts like hell, and I'm here for you, I really am. But Jude is coming over and she won't be able to handle seeing you like this, so we need to get you cleaned up." He pulled me towards the door. "I've got my shave kit with me; Sadie and I are going out tonight." I let him pull me into the bathroom.
I took out his razor and shaving cream, not looking at him. "Has Sadie said anything about how Jude is doing? She's not returning any of my calls and I'm worried about her." He looked at me and motioned for me to start shaving my beard. "Sadie said she's been hiding in her room most of the time, writing music. I know she didn't go to school yesterday or today. Other than that, not much, but she'll be here any minute and you'll see for yourself." I nodded, trying not to cut myself with the razor. Kwest leaned against the wall and watched me work. "So, are you going to tell me about what happened that night? About why you're beating yourself up so badly?" I washed off my face and looked into the mirror, other than the eyes and a few lines; I was starting to look like my usual self. "Nope, and I don't know if I'll be able to talk about it any time soon. Let's just say that I screwed up, got caught by Georgia and had to fix it in a way that I would never have chosen." I handed him back his shaving kit before walking out.
If I was going to work with Jude today, I needed to fortify myself with lots of coffee. I reached the reception area and ignored Georgia's open door. I didn't have anything to say to her today, in fact, I've been ignoring her all day. I poured myself a cup of coffee and headed into the sound booth the start the equipment up. I gulped my coffee as fast as I could without burning my mouth and by the time I had everything ready I needed more coffee. I grabbed my mug and headed out to the reception area. I barely cleared the door before I stopped in my tracks, Jude was talking with Georgia. She looked at me and then back to Jude "Good, then you and Tom can get to work on it right away. We're on a nice little wave here guys, so let's see how far we can ride it."
Nice little wave, my ass. She won't even look at me, let alone talk to me. Jude brushed past me into the recording booth, pulling out her guitar. I followed, coffee forgotten. "Do you have something ready or do you need some help?" She looked down at her guitar, tuning it. "No, I haven't been able to come up with anything that remotely conveys the hurt and pain I'm feeling because of a certain someone." Ouch! I winced and sat down on the piano bench. "Jude, I'm sorry, I…" She cut me off, her eyes shooting daggers at mine. "Cut it Quincy! I don't want your apologies, I just want to write this song and get out of here." I nodded my throat closing up as her anger washed over my already raw emotions. I turned to the piano and started playing some notes, trying to work out a song in my head.
We sat in silence, Jude strumming her guitar, occasionally jotting down some stuff in her journal, when I finally hit on a great idea. I played it and looked over at her. "Are you feeling that?" She didn't even look up at me, "Yeah, its okay." I shook my head, I know she has every right to be angry with me, I just hope she would forgive me soon. Preferably before I drove myself crazy and Kwest had to pick out the bloody casket. "Okay? When this song hits, Shay's going to wish he had a last name to change. Let's get to the lyrics." I wanted to get this over with so I could go back to my self-pity routine. Selfish, I know, but what else am I to do? Jude stopped strumming her guitar and stared at me, anger lighting her eyes. "Are you seriously going to sit there right now and pretend that this in only about Shay?" I ran a hand through my hair; I couldn't deal with this right now. "Jude, don't start."
She started putting her guitar back in the case. "I didn't Tommy, you did. Remember you kissed me?" I quickly looked to the sound booth, hoping Kwest wasn't in there. The coast was clear, so far no one knew that we had kissed, Georgia just thought that I said something stupid to her. I turned back to Jude "You want to keep your voice down, that's not what we talked about." She zipped up her guitar case and stood up, "Yeah, I know it didn't happen and it didn't mean anything Tommy. But it did. And it does." I swallowed back my emotions, when I really wanted to just grab her and kiss her until she shut up. But I couldn't. I forced the words out of my throat, hating that I knew I was still hurting her, "That wasn't the deal." She looked at me, throwing her hand out between us, "Well, neither was this. I don't even want to be around you right now. I'll write the song myself." She turned and strode to the door. I called out after her, "What am I supposed to tell Georgia?" She looked back over her shoulder "I don't know, you'd better think of something fast, huh?" and walked out the door.
I sat back down at the piano, playing the notes that were running around in my head. I didn't have to think of anything to tell Georgia, she came in and sat down on the bar stool Jude had just recently vacated. "Jude has a photo shoot in a while; she mentioned that you guys worked out what you wanted to do with the song. She said I should talk to you if I had any further questions. Should I have any questions Tommy?" I looked over at her, she really cared, but right now she was on my shit list. "Nope, none what so ever Georgia. The song is going to kick Shay where it hurts the most, trust me, I know." Yeah, I'll feel the pain just as much as Shay will. Georgia nodded and left me alone with the piano.
Jude wasn't going to be here until later, hopefully, and I wasn't slated to work with anyone else today, so I had plenty of thinking time on my hands. As my fingers flew over the keys, I thought of everything I wanted to say to her, everything that was in my heart. I mentally wrote a letter to her, telling her everything. As soon as I signed it, I took a lighter to it and watched the flames in my mind. It helped, a little. I realized that even if Jude was angry with me, even if I deserved it, I still had a job to do. As her producer, as her friend, I couldn't let her get away without practicing for Sunday's open mike. I stood up to hunt Georgia down; I needed to know when Jude's photo shoot would be done so that I could properly plan my ambush.
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I was waiting outside Jude's house, leaning against my Viper. Kwest had called me letting me know the shoot was over; he was taking Sadie out to dinner tonight. I finally saw Jude walking up, her backpack slung over her shoulder. The grimace on her face as soon as she saw me didn't raise my hopes any. I motioned to the car, "Get in." She stopped in front of me and glared at me, "Uh, what part of I hate you right now are you not getting?" I took off my shades and glared right back at her; she started backing away toward the front door of her house. "You want to write the song alone, then fine, but under the mike is Sunday and we've got to rehearse. You need me for that." She shook her head and smirked, "Right. You wish Quincy." I had enough already, yes I am in the wrong, but I can't let her humiliate herself on Sunday by not being prepared. "I'm sorry, okay." It didn't come out the way I wanted, more like a petulant child throwing out a forced apology. She stopped backing away and glared at me again, "Okay, now try meaning it."
I ran a hand through my hair, I thought quickly on what to say, knowing there was so much that I couldn't say. "Look, this is hard for me too. But we've been working on this album for months and we are so close. Don't let one stupid mistake that I …" I broke off at her sigh. "I didn't mean it like that. Just come back." I was so close to getting down on my knees and begging her, if I could find out how to make this right, I would fix it in a heartbeat. Her shoulders sagged and she shook her head, my heart breaking even more when I heard her next words, "I had a great day today Tommy, a really great day, where people didn't hurt me every time they opened their mouths." She was right, I had no right to be here right now, eventually we'd practice, but she needed space. I slipped my shades back on and slid into the car. I backed out and was about to hit the gas when Jude ran up to me, "I changed my mind. Take me with you." I looked at the panic on her face, wondering what had happened, "Jude okay." She looked towards the door and yelled "Go!" I punched my foot down on the gas and we took off, the tires squealing. We headed to the studio and I tried to find a way to get her to talk about what happened. She just sat and stared out her side of the car, not speaking. As soon as I parked the car, she grabbed her stuff and practically ran into the studio.
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We've been in the studio for hours already, and we weren't getting anywhere. Georgia came in to check on Jude's progress. I turned my back on Jude and the recording booth, "She can't nail it, she's too distracted." She still wouldn't tell me what had caused her panic and mad dash to the car earlier. Georgia looked at me as if I was crazy "She's just had her heart handed to her on a stick Tommy. Give the kid a break. Shay really messed her up." She walked out and left me alone in the sound booth. Yeah, it was more than Shay that was distracting her though. I figured if she wouldn't tell me, I'd call Kwest and have him dig it out of Sadie.
I turned around and saw Georgia walk into the recording booth. Jude looked up as she came in. "Men, can't live with them, can't stuff them into your trunk. Go home Jude, get some rest for Sunday."Jude looked panicked at the thought of going home; I was definitely calling Kwest tonight. If I knew he wouldn't kill me for interrupting his date, I'd call him right now. "No, let me do this. I'll nail it." I winced at the panic in her voice. Georgia sat down next to her, "It's under the mike. They are going to ask you about Shay." Jude looked down before replying "What if it's not just him that I'm mad at?" I turned as Stewart walked in the door. I called over the intercom to get Jude's attention and to stop their conversation before anything too revealing was said. "Jude, somebody here to see you." Jude looked up and I pointed to her dad. I saw her face tighten and I had a nasty suspicion what had happened back at the house. I was still going to call Kwest tonight; Sadie has to know something I don't.
I waited for Jude to come back from talking with her dad. They were taking so long, I started cleaning up the area for the night. I ran into Georgia as I was washing out my coffee mug, "Jude's done for the week, she'll be ready for Sunday, she just needs some rest." I looked at her and just shook my head. "I'm going to head on home then, I'll see you later." I put my mug back in the cabinet and grabbed my gear before walking out.
I decided to take a drive, knowing that if I went home, I'd just stare out the window. I cranked up the radio and waited for the minutes tick by. I'd give Kwest another hour before calling him. I don't know why, but I ended up at the lake. I shut off the engine and walked over to the bench. I sat down and looked up at the sky, I could make out a few constellations, not many though because of the city lights behind me. I looked at my cell phone and flipped it open. I couldn't wait any longer. Kwest picked up on the third ring, "Tommy, what's up?" I heard music in the background, realized I was probably interrupting his date, even though it was just past midnight. "Sorry to interrupt, but I need a favor." I heard him lower the volume of the music, "No problem, anything you need." I sighed, "I hope you still think that after I ask you. I need you to talk to Sadie and find out what happened with Jude today. She just got home from the photo shoot and was going to ditch me, but then came running out of the house in a panic. She won't talk about it and I have a nasty feeling she finally found out about her Dad's affair. I just want it confirmed before I try talking to her about it, if it wasn't that, then I'd end up opening up a whole other can of worms, so to speak." I heard Kwest talking to Sadie, he came back on the line a moment later, "Yeah, Sadie hasn't seen Jude since she left after the shoot, but she'll talk to her and let me know tomorrow." I sighed; it was the best I'd get. "Thanks Kwest, go back to your date, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I hung up with him and thought about how I'd bring up the subject with Jude. It's not every day that you have to walk over egg shells to talk to your girl, not that I could call her my girl, she hates my guts right now. Maybe I shouldn't be the one to talk to her; maybe it'd be better if Sadie talked to her? I thought about it for a while before heading home.
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Wednesday afternoon I was refilling my coffee mug, going over the situation in my head. Kwest talked to Sadie today and gave me the bad news, Jude walked in on Stewart and Yvette making out on her living room couch. I wanted to rip out his heart, how could he do that to Jude? He has a beautiful family that he just tossed away like yesterday's garbage. Sadie said she didn't know what was going to happen when Vicki comes home, but that they'd probably not say anything. That's going to be hell on Jude, keeping that secret from her mom. I've already tried Jude's cell phone, but once again, she's ignoring me.
Kwest came over and grabbed a bottle of water. "Do you want to hang out tonight?" I thought about it, I wasn't really very good company right now though, and he would probably rather hang out with Sadie. I knew he was concerned with me, but I just needed time to get myself together again. "No man, but thanks for the offer." I looked back towards the now empty studio one, the Salads had just left and we didn't have anyone else slated for the day. I turned back to Kwest and sipped my coffee. "I'll probably put in another hour and the jet for the day." "Okay, just call me if you need to talk or change your mind about having company."
I watched him walk away and took another sip of my coffee. What I really needed was a break from this place. I thought over what I had slated for the rest of the week, Jude wasn't coming back to the studio until Monday, Georgia's orders. The Salads were done until next week as well; I was basically done except for some mixing and any back fill I needed to do. I saw Georgia come through the front door and walked over to her. "Georgia, hey." She looked up from the tabloid she was flipping through. I saw the article on Jude, with a big picture of Eden smiling into the camera. "Look, I need some time off; I'll be back in time for Sunday's performance." She put her arm around my waist and led me to her office. "Let's talk about this in my office."
I sat down and waited for her to start the conversation. She flipped through the tabloid once more before dumping it into the waste basket. "I know things have been hard for everyone around here. Do you think a few days away will help you get yourself straight?" I nodded, waiting for her to go on. "You worked everything out with Jude, right? You let her know that you're just her producer, nothing more?"
I nodded again, not really wanting to talk about this. She looked at me for a moment, before nodding her head. "You can have a few days off, but you will be at the performance Sunday night and you will be back in the studio on Monday ready to work. Get your head on straight; I'm sick of this Tommy." She waved her hand at me, "I want my normal Tommy back in action. I'll see you here at two o'clock Sunday." I got up and thanked her before leaving.
I pulled out my cell phone and called my buddy in Montreal. "Chase, hey, do you have time for some company this week?" I knew I could always count on Chase for anything, we were tight. "Yeah, I've got some stuff going on, but you're more than welcome to the house, I'll take a few half days and we can just chill." I sighed, I had a place to run off to for few days, a place where I wouldn't be reminded of everything everywhere I went. "Thanks man, I'll drive up tomorrow." I hung up with him and searched for Kwest. I wasn't going to mix that last track tonight.
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Sunday night I watched Jude charm the emcee. "We've heard you've had a crazy time lately but what has been the craziest thing and did Shay make the list?" she smiled at him before looking into the camera, "Yeah, he was up there briefly, but like his music, he lacks staying power."That's my girl! "Now, let's get to the music, give it up for Jude Harrison and her new single, 'Your Eyes'." I watched as she took the stage, she looked amazing in her new jacket. She shifted her guitar around and sat down on the bar stool. "Actually I'm not going to be doing that song, 'cause I have a new one." I turned to Georgia, from her expression; it was news to her too. "I'm pulling her out, we never approved that." Georgia patted my arm, "Just wait, let's see what she's got." I looked back at Jude, hoping she'd pull this off. With everything going on, I just hope she didn't lose it on stage.
I drift away to a place
Another kind of life
Take away the pain
I create my paradise
Everything I've held
Has hit the wall
What used to be yours
Isn't yours at all
I'm watching her, my throat closing up with the emotion in her voice and on her face. I can tell she's angry and tears are threatening to fall.I couldn't look her into her face anymore and had to drop my gaze to the floor, letting the lyrics wash over me.
Falling apart, and all that I'm asking
Is it a crime, am I overreacting
Oh, he's under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I've got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie
I looked up and followed her gaze as she turned her head towards the side, I saw her parents standing there, her mom's concern on her face. Her words were digging deep into my soul, bringing up all of the guilt I felt over causing her so much hurt. Even though I knew this song wasn't just about me, I still felt like she was singing it just for me, aiming it at me, saying 'see how you broke my heart, Tommy?'
So what you had didn't fit
Among the pretty things
Never fear, never fear
I now know where you've been
Braids have been un-tied
As ribbons fall away
Leave the consequence
But my tears you'll taste
Falling apart and all that I question
Is this a dream or is this my lesson
Oh, he's under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I've got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie
I don't believe I'll be alright
I don't believe I'll be OK
I don't believe how you've thrown me away
I do believe you didn't try
I do blame you for every lie
When I look in your eyes, I don't see mine
Oh, he's under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I've got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie
Oh my permission to sin
You might have started my reckoning
I've got a reason now to bury him alive
Another little white lie
She finished and I saw the tears in her eyes as she turned her face to her dad. Yeah, if I could get away with it, Stewart would be feeling all the pain that he caused Jude. I followed Jude back to the dressing room. I don't know exactly what I wanted to say, but I had to express my feelings somehow, I had to show her that I was with her one hundred percent, that she could rely on me. I caught up with her just as she was entering her dressing room. "That was an incredible song Jude, not exactly how I meant to inspire you." She looked at me, clearly tired. "What do you want Tommy?" I tried to put what I wanted to say into words, but I messed it up. "To apologize, for real this time, but hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted to do." She glared at me, putting her hand on the door. "A lot of people have been saying that lately, get over yourself, not everything is about you." I stood there and watched as she closed the door in my face. Yeah, that's not how I wanted it to go down, but maybe if I gave her some time, we could talk later. I found Georgia and told her that I was taking off for the night.