Forgot To Forget

Series: Lyrics 'Verse

Word Count: ~ 2.400

Summary: Jack looked at him. He frankly didn't have an answer. Not one he could give Ianto anyway. It would sound silly to say that sometimes, his life here felt strangely jumbled, like a mosaic that wasn't put together correctly. That being in bed with Ianto seemed to be the only time he felt whole.

Characters: Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones, Adam

Pairing: Jack/Ianto

Rating: NC-17

Spoiler: Adam

Setting: during Adam

Warnings: Language

Contains: Sex

Beta: larsinger29, thank you!

Disclaimer: I'm not making money with this fanfic. The tv-show Torchwood and the characters appearing within it belong to their producers and creators. Any similarities to living or dead persons are purely coincidental and not intended.

xxx

'Cause I never held you
I never missed you
I don't know who you were or who you're now
I don't even know your name
I never loved you
I just forgot to forget
That you exist

(Translated from German: Vergessen zu vergessen by Luxuslärm)

Something was missing.

Jack spent a lot of nights on rooftops lately, trying to figure out what it was. He couldn't stay in the Hub, couldn't find rest in his bunker. He just felt antsy there and it was so very quiet, somehow. The familiar noises of the Hub seemed distorted, out of tune, as if there was one important instrument in an orchestra missing. Jack didn't quite know what it was his mind apparently expected to hear, but there were fragments – fleeting shreds of dreams or distant memories – of soft footsteps up in his office, steady breathing in bed next to him, gentle laughter in the kitchen niche. That was why he was outside so often, watching over the city and wondering why he felt so out-of-place, so … wrong.

He sighed deeply and shivered in the frigid air. Even his thick wool coat wouldn't help against the constant coldness that seemed to have taken up residence under his skin, in his bones. He knew it was a symptom of him not feeling quite right but he tried to ignore it as much as possible. Maybe he should call Adam who always seemed to understand Jack's strange mood swings and managed to counteract them. He could confide in him, talk to him like he could talk to nobody else on the team … Adam knew more about him than the others. But Jack would feel bad about interrupting Adam's night off just because he had a bad feeling.

He closed his eyes and tried to think of a solution to this feeling of restlessness. He didn't feel in the mood to go out, as much as flirting often was a kind of therapy for him. As much as a one night stand sometimes helped him. But a stranger's lips, hands and body wasn't the solution tonight.

A smile lit up his face when he had an idea.

xxx

Ianto let Jack kiss him as soon as he'd entered his flat, let him pin him against the wall and Jack even got as far as burying his hands underneath Ianto's pyjama bottoms to grab his arse before Ianto pushed against his chest, not so much to shove him away, more to stop him for a moment. "Are we doing this again?" he asked.

Jack needed a moment to gather his wits. Ianto smelled so good – freshly showered and wearing clean clothes – and he tasted like chocolate and wine. Jack grinned at him and pulled him closer again, succeeding in pushing their groins together while Ianto kept their chests and lips firmly apart. If he really wouldn't want to do this, Jack knew, Ianto was well able to fight him off. Enough reason not to give up yet. He raised his eyebrows. "Looks that way, doesn't it?"

Ianto's blue eyes reflected something that Jack identified as pain before he hid it quickly. "It's been a few months since we last had sex."

Jack shrugged, rolling his hips a bit to let Ianto feel that a few months was enough to build an appetite. "So?"

"That was the middle of the night as well. You barged in at two in the morning and shagged me before leaving and then you went and acted as if it never happened."

Jack sighed and stepped away. He knew where this was going and he didn't want to get into it. He considered just leaving again. "Are we really going to talk about this now?"

"Why am I good enough to turn to when you can't find another shag but not good enough to go Weevil hunting with?"

"Are you seriously asking me why we don't chase deadly predators before having sex? I thought that would be a good thing."

Ianto crossed his arms. "It would be if we were a couple … or friends at least." He sighed and ducked his head. "Listen, I miss doing things like that with you. Working with you. You used to pair us up all the time, you just … stopped."

"Well, we still would work as a team and chase Weevils if someone wasn't so clingy." That had hurt. Jack could see it all too well on Ianto's face. He regretted his words now but once out, they were hard to take back. All he could do now was try and dam in the damage.

Softly, Ianto replied, "I wasn't being clingy. I just thought you were …" He swallowed.

Jack closed his eyes. He really should leave. This was veering off into territory he wasn't comfortable with really fast. But something held him back. Maybe guilt. "You thought I'd fall in love with you?"

"Silly me," Ianto whispered.

Jack looked at him and pulled up his shoulders. He felt vulnerable all of a sudden, as if he was the one hurt here and not Ianto. Ianto, who had been so loyal to him when nobody else had, who looked out for him in so many small ways, who was just always there with whatever Jack needed. Ianto wasn't just someone Jack slept with occasionally, he'd been something like a friend … before Jack had realized that Ianto had fallen for him and run away, cutting him off, spending more time with Adam and the other members of the team. And Ianto had never complained openly, never let him see how much it hurt him … until now. "Look, it's not you. You're a great guy, you're cute, you're brave but … I don't want this in my life. Us. That has nothing to do with not wanting it with you specifically, it's a general thing."

Ianto frowned. "Why come back then? We've had sex several times since you stopped pairing us up for missions so it's not like you're not attracted to me."

Jack looked at him. He frankly didn't have an answer. Not one he could give Ianto anyway. It would sound silly to say that sometimes, his life here felt strangely jumbled, like a mosaic that wasn't put together correctly. That being in bed with Ianto seemed to be the only time he felt whole. "Because I want to," he finally answered.

"Because I'm convenient," Ianto replied.

"You're not. There's no such thing as convenience with sex between us, Ianto. Not for me."

Ianto raised an eyebrow. "You don't want the hassle of going out to pull so you go to someone who you think will sleep with you no matter what, avoiding the hassle. That's the definition of 'convenient'."

Jack stepped closer. "I think of it as sleeping with someone who knows me. Someone who knows what I like, someone whose preferences and boundaries I know, someone I know is not afraid to let go when I'm with them, who lets me catch them, where there's a measure of trust. You don't get that from strangers. They would be convenient, this is intimate."

"A prettier word for the same thing," Ianto replied.

Jack lowered his head and nodded, knowing when he'd lost a battle. "I'll best go then."

But when he turned to the door, Ianto put a hand on his arm and held him back. Unexpectedly, Jack found himself in a kiss. It was gentle and sweet, becoming more passionate when he opened his mouth and teased Ianto's lips with his tongue. And everything fell into place. Jack couldn't see the whole mosaic, there were parts he was blind to, but it felt complete and that was all he needed right now. He felt … right.

He pushed Ianto back, pinning him against the wall once more, gentler this time, though. Ianto moaned softly and put his hands around Jack's neck, arching his back to press up against Jack's body. Something … clicked, suddenly and almost painful and Jack found himself staring into Ianto's eyes, their foreheads together, panting hard, his hands tight on Ianto's back to hold him close, fisted in the thin, skin-warm shirt.

Ianto squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip. "This feels right."

"So?"

"It shouldn't."

Ianto was right. This felt like more than the occasional night together, more than close colleagues, and it must feel like more than a crush or hero worship or adoration or whatever it was that Ianto felt for Jack … this felt like being with a lover who knew him inside and out and in more ways than just sexually. This felt like … Jack swallowed. "So stop," he whispered, his voice roughened by arousal.

Ianto shook his head, his breath caressing Jack's lips. "I don't want to."

And then he kissed him again, pulling Jack into the bedroom with him.

xxx

Jack felt Ianto's hands tighten around his biceps, his nails digging into his skin, his thighs tight around Jack's waist while he thrust into him. Jack leaned down and caught Ianto's lips in a kiss, rough and urgent and all teeth and lips. Ianto let out that small broken sound he always made just before coming and Jack swallowed it, thrusting harder, deeper, stroking Ianto's cock faster, and then they came together, perfectly synchronized like always, and Ianto's hands slid into Jack's hair to fist the strands while Jack panted into his neck.

And he felt perfect now, whole and at peace.

Ianto's legs fell to the bed and Jack pulled out of him to sit back. Then he collapsed to land next to Ianto and stared at the ceiling, still panting. He turned his head to look at Ianto and found him already staring at him in the dim light of his bedside table lamp. Jack reached out and traced his finger down Ianto's cheek to cup his jaw and then leaned in to kiss him softly, breathing in his scent and entwining their bodies. He pushed their foreheads together and looked into Ianto's eyes. Ianto was frowning, almost looking as if he was in pain and Jack imagined that he looked the same. Something had changed.

"I was wrong," he whispered.

Ianto stared at him. "What about?"

"You." Jack kissed him again. "Us." Another peck and he closed his eyes, burying his head in the bend of Ianto's neck. "This feels right."

Ianto held him tighter. "That's the orgasm talking," he said softly.

Jack raised his head. "Is it?" he asked, staring into Ianto's eyes, refusing to look away first.

Ianto swallowed and finally turned his head away slightly, breaking eye contact. "We'll see."

Jack laid down again. "Yeah, you will."

xxx

It was still dark outside when Jack left Ianto to check on the Hub. He'd stayed away for longer than he'd intended to and he felt a bit nervous about security at the moment. It wasn't as if something particular had happened that caused that feeling. He was just … careful.

Ianto lived on a street leading straight down to Roald-Dahl-Plass. For such a central corner of Cardiff, it was still very quiet. No cars, just one jogger with a dog passing by. Jack buttoned his coat against the cool air and shoved his hands into his pockets.

He startled when someone stepped out of the shadows in front of him all of a sudden and smiled in relief when he recognized Adam. "You scared me," he admitted.

Adam chuckled, his bright eyes showing amusement. "Sorry."

"What are you doing here?"

"Couldn't sleep, couldn't find you at the Hub and thought you might be here. We could grab breakfast together," Adam answered and put a hand on Jack's shoulder. "Like we do sometimes, remember?"

"Right," Jack said with a smile and they started to walk back towards the Hub. On their way, there was a small cafe serving a fantastic breakfast, even this early in the morning.

Adam nodded. "Yes." He looked back over his shoulder toward Ianto's flat and then shoved his hands in his leather jacket. "What were you doing here?"

Jack hesitated for a moment, then he answered, "I slept with him."

Adam grinned. "Good for you."

"No, you don't understand," Jack replied. "It was strange … weird." Adam stopped and Jack looked towards Roald Dahl Plass just down the road. "It felt so … good. Not like … a shag. More like … better."

"Don't tell me you're in love." Then a slow grin spread over his face. "That'd be ridiculous, Jack." He patted Jack's arm, letting his hand linger for a moment. "He fancies you but you know that to you, he can never be more than a shag. I'm your best friend, remember? I'm the one you're the closest to."

Jack looked at Adam and frowned. Something seemed off about this.

"Jack," Adam said earnestly and stepped closer, putting his other hand on Jack's other shoulder. "Just a shag, remember?"

Jack swallowed and ducked his head. It became clear now that Adam was right. He didn't know how he could have had ever thought there could be more between him and Ianto of all people. He smiled about himself and looked up at Adam again. "Must have been caught in the moment somehow. It's been a while after all."

Adam laughed and let go of him. "Yeah. An orgasm can do that to you." He got serious again and looked at Jack. "But maybe you should keep away from him, yeah? He might see this differently. Don't give him the wrong idea, that would be cruel."

Jack nodded slowly, seeing Adam's point. "Yes, that would be cruel."

They started walking again.

After a while, Adam said, "Poor guy. He must be quite lonely. It's kind of sad really."

Jack shrugged. "He could look for a girlfriend … or a boyfriend."

"I think he's in love with you."

Jack snorted. "Well, he's obviously delusional." He breathed in the fresh night air and let it out slowly. "Why should I court him if I can shag him?"

Adam chuckled and Jack smiled, trying to ignore the pang of sadness the words brought. Strange, he felt lonely all of a sudden, as if something was missing but he couldn't quite say what it was … like his life was a mosaic and some of the pieces were missing.

END

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