"Hey, Jim," she said, walking out of the bathroom. "How tired are you feeling?"
Jim smiled at her. "Why? What do you have in mind, Beesly?"
"I just wondered how much time I have with you before you become unconscious."
"What are you saying?"
"Well you look a little flushed. How much did you have to drink down in Michael's room?"
Jim tilted his head, trying to remember. "Not more than 2 or 3. He was pushing Cosmopolitans."
"How very Michael," Pam laughed, and sat down on the bed again. She leaned over and ruffled his already messy hair. "So 3 cosmos later and you aren't drunk?"
He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her closer. "Not fall down dead drunk, no. More like happy, mellow drunk."
"That's my influence, not the alcohol," she teased. She kissed him. "I'm asking because I'm starting to get hungry and I wouldn't mind going downstairs for a little bit. Unless of course you think we might run into people we shouldn't."
Jim's face light up. "Oh my god, that reminds me!"
"What?"
"When you get back to work you probably should prepare yourself for Michael the Matchmaker."
"Oh, no."
Jim laughed a bit. "Yeah, see he's been so weird to me this whole day. Every time I turned around he was making comments about my leaving for Stamford, and how he must be such an awful boss compared to Josh, et cetera, et cetera. It was clear that he really thought my leaving was his fault. I finally couldn't take it anymore and told him he wasn't the reason I left."
Pam's eyes widened. "What did you tell him?"
Jim looked at her for a moment, and then looked away. "I told him the truth. I said I left because of you."
"Oh," was all Pam could think of to say. He'd just struck upon the one issue she felt they still needed to talk about, and it made her feel a bit uncomfortable. "What did Michael say?"
"Well he first thought I didn't know you were now single, so I told him I had heard that," he grinned up at her. "Then I told him how I had told you how I felt, and how you turned me down. Twice."
"Ouch." Pam replied, slightly taken aback. "You didn't really say that, did you? That's not what happened."
Jim looked at her warily. "What do you mean, 'that's not what happened?'"
"Just what I said." She felt a knot growing in her stomach. She knew where this conversation was heading, and it wasn't the way she wanted it to go. But she was hurt that he would have presented her in such a harsh light. She got up off the bed and walked toward the windows. "I didn't turn you down twice."
Jim stayed seated on the bed but pulled himself up to a fully seated position. "Yes, Pam, you did. First I told you how I felt, and you said, and I quote 'I can't.' Then you told me how perhaps I had misinterpreted things. Pretty much a rejection, don't you think?" Before she could reply he continued, "Then after I kissed you, you told me you were still going to marry Roy. That was rejection number two."
Pam felt herself tearing up. "Is that how it really happened, Jim?" Her voice was
starting to shake but he needed to hear what she needed to say. She stayed close
to the windows but made a point of looking at him. "See, because from my perspective
what happened was more like this: I was having one of nicest nights of my life,
when all of a sudden my best friend tells me that he's in love with me. Not only that,
he says that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore if that's all there is. Shortly
afterwards we meet again and he kisses me. And yes, I kissed him back. Then he makes
me tell him right then and there if I'm still going to marry someone I've spent the
last 10 years with." She stopped a moment to stifle a sob, then continued.
"But the best part was that he didn't even tell me that this was the only chance I had, because I found out the next time I came into work that he'd taken an immediate transfer to another branch two states away."
Pam finally sat down in the chair next to the writing desk. She grabbed a few tissues that were sitting on the table. She cried into her tissue, not entirely convinced she could stop if she tried. When she looked up, Jim was standing up with his back towards her. She made herself calm down, and watched him, waiting for his response.
His hands were shoved into his pockets and he had his head lowered, concentrating intensely on the floor. When he heard her crying subsiding, he turned toward her. He lifted his head, and his eyes shyly searched hers. "What do you want from me, Pam?"
"I just want you to understand my side of things," she said softly. She maintained
eye contact with him, trying to make him understand that what she wanted was
consolation and discussion, not separation. She stayed seated, not trusting her
legs to keep her upright, but proffered her hand towards him. She'd barely begun
to extend her arm before he was immediate near her. He dropped down onto his knees,
and gripped the arms of the chair she was sitting in. They looked at each other
for what seemed like a long time, and Pam noticed that she wasn't the only one
crying any longer. She leaned forward slightly and rested her forehead on his.
Jim closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Pam," he said slowly. "I guess I never really thought to see things from your perspective. I don't even know where to begin."
She pulled back. "Then just let me talk. I need to tell you this," she said softly, "but I suspect you won't like what I have to say."
The look in Jim's eyes told her he was already fearing the worst. She brought her hands up to his face. "Not that bad, Halpert," she half-smiled. "You aren't getting rid of me that easily."
In a single move he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "Tell me,Pam. Tell me everything. As long as I know I won't lose you I'll listen to you all night." She felt her tears returning, and hugged him tight in response. "It wouldn't all be so awful to think about again if I didn't love you so much," she said tearfully.
He continued to hold her close, gently rubbing her back. "Please don't cry," he comforted her. "I'm so sorry."
She pulled back to look at him as she spoke. "The worst part," she began hoarsely, "Was after I broke up with Roy. I was so terribly lonely and sad and angry all at the same time, and there was no one here to talk to. Absolutely no one."
Jim couldn't bear to look at the hurt in her eyes as she relived that painful time. "I know it doesn't help, but I just did what I felt I had to do at the time," he offered. "I really was at my wit's end. You said you were going to marry Roy, and if I would have been forced to witness that, I probably would have killed myself."
"I just wish you would have trusted me enough to mention the fact that you were in love with me a long time ago!" she sighed. She thought for a moment, and then she looked slightly irritated. "When Michael let it slip that you had a crush on me, you told me that had ended years ago. That was a lie, wasn't it?"
Jim could only nod in admission. "Oh Jim," she sighed. "Why couldn't you trust me enough to let me decide what to do with that information?"
"You had just set the date to get married," he replied, already aware it was an excuse as lame as it sounded.
"Yes, but it would have given me more time to think about things." She paused. "I did not call off my wedding with Roy because of you. But do you think it was coincidence that I called it off within two weeks of your declaration? I mean, even if my initial reaction still would have been that I couldn't make any sort of commitment to you, it did make me re-evaluate my life. It did make the problems I had been living with suddenly seem to have a solution. I realised I had options."
He nodded. "I see now what you are saying. But I was so afraid I was going to lose everything with you if I told you how I really felt." He looked sadly at her. "In the end I lost it all anyway."
She gave him a small smile. "At least it wasn't forever."
He brought her hands to his lips, kissing each in succession. "For that I'm forever grateful, Beesly." When he'd finished kissing the tops of her hands, he turned them over and kissed each palm. Pam slid her hands behind his neck and pulled him close for a tender kiss. He kissed her cheek, and then her neck.
"Is there more to say?"
"I don't know," she murmured. I'm feeling a bit all cried out, actually."
He got up in a single fluid movement, and pulled her from the chair. "Then come lie down and make sure we've worked this out," he said.