A/N: So, I am posting this without having had it checked by my beta... Hopefully I caught all of my usual major errors... sorry Chelsee! I still love you for betaing! So, that said, all errors are mine. But I didn't want to leave those of you still reading hangin! So, enjoy :)
Catherine watched the ceiling fan above her bed circulating around, the singular blades indistinguishable from one another. Constantly in motion but going nowhere. Kind of like her train of thought at the moment. As much as her mind was racing it bore no solutions. She was having trouble distinguishing one emotion from the next: anger from sadness, confusion from guilt. They spun around too quickly, blurred together into some meaningless shape she couldn't identify.
One feeling stood out though among the others, blaringly obvious like the light shinning down between the swirling blades. Shame. She was ashamed of herself for lashing out at Wendy, and even more so for doing the same to Warrick. She was ashamed that she'd lost control to the point that she'd been sent home from work, but above all she was ashamed of the way she had managed to repeatedly trample Sara's spirit, her trust, and her heart.
Suddenly the blades of a fan hardly seemed an appropriate metaphor for her emotions. Perhaps the blade of a knife, a butcher's knife, as they seemed to be hacking her to pieces along with everyone she cared about.
She felt as though she'd completely lost sight of herself these past few days. This wasn't how she handled things. "Never doubt, never look back. That's how I live my life." What had happened to that woman? The Catherine Willows who'd said that wouldn't be laying here, having been sent home from work only to beseech a ceiling fan for answers.
Willing herself to roll over she reached out to her nightstand, dragging her cell phone from its surface and onto her chest. After a moment she flipped it open, scrolling down until she landed on "Sidle, Sara." Even in such an impersonal form, simply reading the name brought on a tightness in Catherine's chest. Her finger hovered over the 'send' button, but the panic won out before she could press it and she snapped the phone shut.
What was she going to say? 'I'm sorry I crushed you repeatedly, I lied and I'm completely in love with you, want to give it another go?" She had no right to ask Sara's forgiveness. Though just because she didn't expect forgiveness wasn't an excuse not to apologize, was it? She flipped the phone back open, found the number, but then again she hesitated as Sara's voice appeared in her head: You owe me more then 'I'm sorry,' Catherine. Sara didn't want her apology. What did she want? An explanation? Catherine wasn't sure she had one to give.
"Mom?" Catherine tossed her open phone back onto her nightstand as her daughter appeared in her doorway.
"Yeah Baby?" she called back, in as level a voice as she could muster.
Lindsey eyed her mother a moment, creeping further into the room. "I'm leaving for school… are you ok?"
Every once and a while she wished her daughter hadn't inherited her observational skills. "Of course Linds. Don't worry about me, that's supposed to be my job." Catherine replied, plastering on a smile for the sake of her child. "Do you want me to give you a ride?"
Lindsey continued to survey the room. "No it's fine. Abby just got her license, she's picking me up…" her eyes landed on the open cell phone just as the backlight turned off. "Just call her, Mom," she said, punctuating her statement with a quick kiss on the cheek before she spun around and headed for the door, throwing "I love you," over her shoulder as she made her exit.
"Love you too." Catherine called, dumbfounded at having been found out by her teenage daughter. Though if anyone knew drama, it would be a teenage girl. Maybe she had a point. Just call her. She made it sound so simple.
She picked the phone back up from the nightstand. Just call her. She hit the send button before she could talk herself out of it, but even that wasn't enough to make her follow through and she hung up before she heard the first ring.
Giving up on her mission, she dropped the phone back in its place with a defeated thump before turning off the light and finally giving in to sleep.