Disclaimer: I do not own nor make profit off of Twilight. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Summit Entertainment, etc.
A/N: I love Carlisle immensely. He is definitely one of my favorite characters. I don't see this as changing Stephenie Meyer's canon storyline really, so I wouldn't call it AU, per se. The events might conflict with a few minor plot details from SM's universe. Characters may be a touch OOC at times.
I have no idea if there is a special place in hospitals for terminal medical cases. I doubt it, but I'll just let my fictional hospital to be somewhat different. Also, I don't really know if anyone would send a thank you letter to the doctor of their family member, especially if that person died. But in cases where the outcome is assumed to end in death, I would guess that a doctor who took very good care of the deceased family member might be thanked for that effort.
I know that in Eclipse, Bella said that she and Edward don't speak of her zombie months, but I don't feel that they could have moved on very well without airing out the emotions Bella felt during that time.
Chapter 10: Strange
After living with the quietness of vampires for a full weekend, it was no surprise that the lion's roar of my old Chevy scared the living daylights out of me when I turned the ignition. Even after driving it two days previous in order to get it back to the Cullens' house, the truck's noise hadn't been any less of a shock today. Appropriate to my status as clumsiest person in the Olympic Peninsula, I jumped practically a foot off of my seat, slammed my hand against the door handle, and banged my knee on the steering wheel; the last being a move that elicited a loud "Ouch!" and was sure to earn a gigantic bruise to pain me throughout the day. Alice was laughing so hard that she didn't even make any sound at all, but just sat there shaking and holding her lips so tightly together that a human's would be blue by that point.
"Glad that I amuse you," I said through gritted teeth, glowering as I rubbed the sore spot on my hand and gingerly avoiding putting any pressure on the tender spot on my knee.
"I'm sorry," she gasped at last, turning to giggling and not looking a bit apologetic for her outburst. "But your face…"
That started her giggling all over again as she turned the radio on and tapped her foot to a song I didn't recognize. I may have slammed on the accelerator a bit more forcefully than usual as we took off, but I couldn't be bothered to notice; I was a little busy glaring out the windshield at the empty drive ahead of us.
"Oh, come on, Bella," she whined pleadingly to me, finally catching onto my bad mood. "I wasn't trying to be mean. Emmett laughs at your klutzy balance all the time. You don't go glaring at him for it every time he does."
"Emmett is… immovable." I grudgingly acknowledged that she deserved my reasoning, even if her choice of words regarding my clumsiness were rather derogatory. "What girls in the history of the world have ever been able to reign in their big brothers?"
"Rosalie and I, of course," she corrected my assumption with a roll of her eyes. "As if we're going to let our brothers get away with whatever they want."
"You're the exception, then," I muttered darkly to myself. If only I could get Emmett to listen to me.
"Thank you," she chirped with far too much excitement, returning to the familiar habit of bouncing in her seat.
Despite my best efforts, her energy rubbed off on me as we left the shelter of the turnoff to the Cullens' house. I was smiling after another five minutes of driving while she prattled about how their weekend hunt had gone, outside of the incidents that had brought them all back to mine and Carlisle's side. She carefully avoided the subject of our confrontation with the pack, for which I was very grateful. That night made me equally sad and angry whenever it came to mind. Sad for how the relationship with Jacob was going. Angry that he and the pack were so cruel to my vampires. Neither were things I needed to think on for very long.
"Ooh, Bella!" Alice squealed right in the middle of what she had just been saying, startling me into to glancing over at her. "Edward and Jazz will turn in front of us in ten seconds!"
The two of us were as excited as a couple of little schoolgirls just by the idea of coming up on our respective loves like this. Sure enough, the Volvo pulled in front of us a few seconds afterward, Jasper still at the wheel, and we giggled like mad.
"We're so stupid," I got out once through my giggles, flushing and embarrassedly aware that Edward and Jasper could hear us quite well from the silver car, "and juvenile."
"That's the whole point!" she told me gleefully, clapping her hands with joy. "Aren't you having fun?"
To my happiness, I realized that I actually was. Sitting with my best friend on the way to school and giggling over the two boys we were crazy about. 'Boys' being a term that I used very loosely to apply to Edward and Jasper.
"Yeah," I admitted with a genuine smile, "I really am."
The school came into view not long after and we pulled into spots side by side, bringing my door up to the passenger side of the Volvo and subsequently to Edward. Cutting the engine and pulling out my key, I was surprised to find that we were a bit early.
Alice had to help me unbuckle my belt, since after seeing Edward's glorious face, I was enjoyably disoriented from reality.
"Bella, you do actually have to get out, you know," Alice reminded me with a cheeky grin on her perky face and bounced out of the car while I shook myself out of dreamland.
Edward opened my door for me, that crooked grin on his face, and the effort of facing reality was promptly lost with a scarlet blush as I jumped the brief distance to the ground beside him. Immediately, he buried his nose in my hair and drew me into a close embrace that I relished in spite of the students all around us in the parking lot.
"Hey," I murmured into his chest with a tiny smile, fingering the buttons on his dark gray shirt absentmindedly. An icy finger pulled my face up, lifting me gladly to Edward's smooth lips for a prolonged kiss that sent me careening into a thick daze. My breath was impossibly short by the time he pulled away, making him grin as usual before he pulled back.
"Hey," was his quiet, anticlimactic response. He closed the driver's side door and gently pulled us toward the end of the truck where Alice and Jasper waited patiently, her arms around his ribs and his reaching down over her arms and around her waist.
"Still having fun, I see," Alice teased with a mischievous grin as we headed into the building. Jasper smirked, as I was certain Edward did, though I couldn't see his face.
"That's the whole point," I mockingly echoed her earlier statement, but blushed for the tenth time in as many minutes. A coughing laugh from Edward and Jasper harmonized with the bell-like giggle of Alice.
"We'll be late," Edward recovered enough to say, towing me away from his siblings and to our first class.
The next few hours were spent in relative emotional isolation, my focus completely on Edward, sitting knee-to-knee with me in almost every class. Any question that was directed my way by our teachers was easily saved by Edward, who whispered the answer for me any time I lost focus. Which was every time. The one class he didn't have with me, I was bored and annoyed.
Lunch was a tidy little affair. Alice, Jasper, Edward and me always shared the table where all five of the Cullen siblings had sat the previous school year. We had yet to integrate with my other friends; I wasn't bothered. Angela and Ben were nice to hang out with, but no one else had any real pull for me.
"Hi, Bella," Alice smiled at me as she and Jasper joined us in the line. Her husband only nodded, his neck very tight, obviously having a bit of difficulty reigning in either his powers or his bloodlust. Which it was, I couldn't be sure, until I noticed that his eyes were still a bright golden-brown. Powers, then.
"Hey, guys." I smiled back, allowing Edward to fill 'our' tray with the things he knew I liked best. "Bored much?"
"Not with you two around," she giggled quietly, making Jasper smile just slightly. He loved to see her happy.
I scowled at her remark, offended by the insinuation that Edward and I looked in any way funny. Besides, she shouldn't be watching us for her own entertainment. Nosy vampire.
"Don't you have anything better to do?" I asked her glumly.
"Giggling little freak." Edward accused quietly as we headed to our table, but his voice was so affectionate that I knew he wasn't mad at her. What a traitor he was.
Alice laughed loudly, startling all the students within a ten-foot radius of us. Angela smiled and waved from her place with Ben, her face clearly amused with the pixie vampire's outburst. Alice energetically waved back, followed by the much subtler waves of Edward and me.
An apple was my first choice at eating once we were seated, but frankly I was more interested in the three Cullens at my table as they spoke at vampire speed about who knows what. Sometimes they would talk so I could follow, but often since their return, I merely sat quietly leaning against Edward and nibbling on whatever was on my tray. It was comforting just basking in their presence.
Not for the first time, I noticed their largely inactive attitudes and wondered why they didn't at least try doing some sort of activity. If food wasn't the only thing at their table, the fact that they did not eat might go by with less notice. Then again, as I thought back to that first day I saw them in the cafeteria, I realized that even with other things cluttering the table I would have still paid attention to their uneaten lunches. But with others, it might be helpful.
"Haven't you ever thought of carrying a hobby to lunch?" I inquired very quietly during what I was mostly positive was a lull in their conversation, making sure I wasn't overheard by any of my fellow human students.
"Why?" Edward looked at me curiously.
"To try and detract from the fact that you never eat."
"Oh." His brows furrowed, as did Jasper's, and I knew I'd hit on something. Alice looked contemplative for a moment.
"Why have we never thought of that before?" she asked her brother and husband irritably. "How could that not come to mind? It makes so much sense."
"I don't know," Edward's features displayed overt amusement. "That's a pretty good question."
"I guess, like a lot of things," Jasper intervened thoughtfully, though if I wasn't mistaken there was humor there, too. "We just needed Bella's perspective."
"Oh, please," I tried to divert the attention they were focusing on me now; It was making me red-faced. "You could have thought of that yourselves."
"What Jasper said is probably quite true, actually," Edward smiled at me almost proudly, though his words were cautiously quiet. "You usually do give us a sense of perspective that we lack on human life."
I wasn't certain what to say to that, so I didn't speak at all. Edward squeezed my hand reassuringly and I settled to wait out the last twenty-five minutes of lunch. In the ensuing silence, my mind traveled to the early hours of this morning and how the most worrying of circumstances had changed in an instant.
One thing stood out in my memory as especially troubling, though. Carlisle's eyes had been darkened not long after I awoke from my nightmare. Then, in the clearing, when he'd stared directly in my eyes, his own had been nearly half black. Remembering his face when I'd watched him play chess with Jasper, I worriedly realized that the coloring had not changed. In fact, it may have gotten a touch worse. My hunger evaporated while my worry took hold.
"Edward," I murmured very low, bringing his attention away from whatever Alice and Jasper were thinking at him. "Can we go sit outside until next period?"
"Are you all right?" he asked, his concern for me taking precedence over his conversation with his siblings. Honestly, though, Alice and Jasper were just as concerned looking.
"I'm fine, really," I answered, but I supposed my lack of appetite didn't help my case.
"Okay," he accepted tentatively. "If you're sure."
"Please?" I pleaded quietly. "I just want to be able to talk a little more freely."
"Ah," Edward looked at me with sudden understanding, his brow easing back into smooth marble. "Of course."
"Can we come, too?" Alice questioned.
"I'd like you to," I told her and she perked up with a smile as we rose to leave, dumping our three trays as we went past the doors.
It was nice outside, not too ridiculously cold and surprisingly not wet. The four of us settled ourselves on the grass, far enough from the building that no one would hear what we said. It was only we four outside, not unusual for this time of day. Edward immediately pulled me sideways into his arms and I easily leaned my right shoulder against his chest. Right beside us, Alice and Jasper mimicked our posture; a mirror image with Alice's left shoulder against her husband's chest. Jasper's left knee was a mere three inches or so from Edward's right knee. Edward's siblings looked to me in curiosity for my unusual request.
"What are you thinking?" Edward inquired the age-old question between us, making me smile a bit in spite of my worries. His lips curled into an answering smile.
"Is Carlisle all right now?" I finally put the question to him, the smile slipping from my face.
"What do you mean?" he murmured back, looking confused.
"Well, it's his eyes," I continued. "After I woke up from my dream, they weren't that pure golden color like after he hunted on Saturday. They were darkened."
"Are you sure?" Jasper entered the conversation, brows slightly furrowed. "I didn't notice that when I was in his office."
"They were," I insisted forcefully. I knew what I had seen. "I noticed it when he came to say the others would be back in a few hours. By the time we all met in that clearing, his eyes were almost half black. And I think they may have been a tiny bit darker this morning, even."
"Did you notice what color they were before you saw the painting?" Alice questioned with some worry. Edward and Jasper shard her sentiment.
"I'm certain they were pure gold," I told them confidently.
"I don't like that," Edward frowned and I held his hand comfortingly. "Carlisle must have been very strongly affected by your dream. From his thoughts, I would never have realized it."
"He's been blocking your ability the longest," Jasper threw in. "Would it be so difficult for him to redirect his thinking?"
"No, that would be entirely plausible," Edward admitted, "but why would he do that?"
"To protect you," I added in a near-whisper. Carlisle would undoubtedly have wanted to minimize any thoughts that might hurt Edward more than he already was early this morning.
Edward stiffened and his eyes grew tight. The expression on his face was slightly pained.
"Yes, he would do that." Alice's voice was soft, but firm in her conviction.
"But why would his eyes change color so soon after hunting?" I asked. "And then stay that way for this many hours?"
"It's easier for Carlisle's thirst to be satisfied than it is for the rest of us." Edward explained quietly. "But that satisfaction doesn't last as long. Particularly when he faces any powerful emotional upset."
A guilty expression crossed Edward's beautiful face that I regretfully admitted was partially justified. His behavior on the phone in the wee hours of this morning had been very detrimental to Carlisle's emotions.
"You were pretty upset yourself, you know," I gently nudged him with my shoulder, hoping to convey that I wasn't going to let him wallow like this any longer. He quirked a little smile, but he hadn't stopped guilt-tripping himself yet.
"That doesn't make it right…" he repeated what he had told Carlisle last night. That was very true, but the three of us didn't tell Edward that. I hoped Alice and Jasper had been able to keep their thoughts as much in line as their lack of words.
"I'm not even sure if this situation is the only thing that's troubling him up," Edward went on. "But he's been very composed since September. At least, he was whenever I was there."
"He really was," Jasper agreed, looking disturbed. "Even when you were gone. Too much composed, now that I think on it."
"Yes," Edward was grimly pleased that they agreed. His focus shifted to Alice then, hesitation and surprise plain on his features. "What was that, Alice?"
"It's nothing." Her face was supremely uncomfortable.
"Alice…" Edward started again, his face growing more and more determined. I thought he must be trying to break through whatever walls Alice was putting up. Her almost-thought must have been serious for him to work this hard.
"How did he seem to you this weekend, Bella?" Jasper asked me quietly, obviously sensing that the internal debate between Edward and Alice would last a while longer.
"The same Carlisle as ever," I answered surely and turned to look at him, deciding it would be useless to keep staring at my boyfriend and his sister. Their faces weren't giving anything away. "He seemed pretty normal."
"How did he behave that made you find him normal?" Jasper seemed a little amused by that.
"Kind, honest, open, thoughtful, compassionate," I started by just listing the most obvious traits of Carlisle's personality. "Curious and inquisitive, of course. Patient, but energetic. Very generous and helpful. Kind of talkative. And attentive to what I needed."
My description seemed to spark something in Alice's steely expression. It was like she had decided that she might give way, but still held onto some reserve of determination. In the end, the bell rang and Alice never gave in. I was frustrated, as Jasper appeared to be, that nothing was resolved for we, the outsiders to this little discussion. We waited a couple of minutes for the two of them to snap out of it and go to class with us, but nothing happened. Edward and Alice didn't move, though it was obvious we were already going to be late for class.
"Edward, we'll be late," I told him uselessly, for he stayed right where he was.
"We can fix it later, I suppose," Jasper muttered to himself. I wasn't sure what he meant.
"What can we fix?" I asked him. "What do you mean?"
He sighed in resignation as he explained ever quieter, "We're able to get into the school's records. Hacking. We sometimes have to do that in order to keep a low profile. We'd be able to fix it so that our attendance for class today is perfect, even if we miss the next couple of periods."
That made sense, despite what my law-abiding mind told me. "Well, I've already been apart of grand theft auto. Why not hacking, too?"
Jasper truly chuckled at that. "Yes, I guess you're right."
"Let's go," Alice said suddenly, though still quietly, and pulled Jasper with her as she stood. "No one will see us if we go now."
Nobody questioned. I wanted to know what was going on, even if it meant ditching and then hacking into the school system to fix it later. Edward helped me up distractedly, his eyes still on Alice and the extensive defenses that she was keeping up. We all headed to the Volvo in silence, not a soul crossing our paths. I knew my truck was a bad idea, since it would certainly garner attention with the engine's volume.
"Jasper, would you drive?" Edward asked absently, tossing the keys to his blond-haired brother without looking at him. If Edward was that distracted by what Alice had nearly thought about, then I was worried.
Jasper frowned deeply, but accepted the commission without complaint. Alice and Edward both slid into the back, the former sighing in resignation that Edward was going to continue trying to read her thoughts. I almost followed them in the back, but I thought Jasper might appreciate either some company or some distraction from the emotions that could be running rampant in his brother and wife. Edward spared me a curious glance from inside the car, but I smiled at him in reassurance. He nodded as I opened the front passenger door and slipped in.
The ride to wherever we were going – I guessed the Cullens' house – was very quiet. Some words passed between Jasper and me, but the blond vampire was too affected to keep much of a conversation. Every time I looked back at Edward, his face looked steadily more frustrated. The look reminded me of the first time he'd tried to get inside my head.
"Stop at Bella's house," Alice instructed abruptly and I swung back to look at her in confusion matched only by Edward's bewilderment. Jasper was equally as bemused, but he trusted Alice implicitly. Not that I didn't, but I tended to question her about it, like I was about to now.
"Why my house?"
"We need a place to talk away from the others," she explained, reaching forward to grab my hand comfortingly. "I've already checked and no one will see us. Charlie won't find out that you've missed school."
"Okay," I agreed hesitantly.
"What are we talking about that's so secretive from the rest of the family?" Edward asked her, eyes narrowed with his frustration that she was so efficiently blocking her mind. He didn't have any more idea than the rest of us what was going on.
"Carlisle," Alice grimly replied.
"Why just us?" I felt I should ask. If Carlisle was the subject, shouldn't his wife be involved? "What about Esme?"
"Esme is too emotional," Jasper answered instantly, and I glanced back at him. "If it's about Carlisle, she'll become too sensitive to discuss it rationally."
"Yes, that's true," Edward confirmed it for me, but still he threw an irritated glance at Alice for her mental silence.
"Ok, what about Emmett?" I asked.
"Emmett is…" Alice tried to explain, but sighed deeply at her loss of words. Edward did seem to understand this part of the conversation. He looked sad.
"He's feeling badly enough," Jasper took over for his wife, "without getting involved in Carlisle's emotional state."
"Rosalie?" I reluctantly voiced the last name. I didn't necessarily want her to be there, but surely she would be both rational enough and patient enough to be apart of this talk.
"No," Alice said roughly, startling me with the ferocity of her voice. Her next words barely came through her clenched teeth. "She wouldn't be… helpful."
A growl emanated from deep in her chest. I was incredibly confused by this reaction. Edward's raised brow echoed my feelings exactly.
"Why?" I asked, or rather demanded.
"Just trust me, Bella," my friend pleaded sternly. "Rosalie would do us no good."
"Fine, then," I caved. But I would find out what she wasn't telling us. One way or another.
We hurried out of the car once we reached Charlie's house, all except Jasper.
"He'll come back," Edward assured me when I followed him curiously with my eyes as he reversed. "He's going to park at the school and then he'll run back."
With that, we entered the house that Alice had already unlocked. Trust her to know where we kept the key.
"My room or what?"
"No, here is better," Alice said. "Easier escape into the woods, in case we don't finish by the time Charlie's home."
"Oh, yeah," I agreed. "Good idea… Plus it might be easier on Jasper if he has a little more space from my scent."
"That's very thoughtful, Bella," Edward smiled at me. "You're room was a little restricting sometimes."
"It's not now?"
"No." His answer was simple and apparently completely honest, as was his smile.
"Okay," I doubtfully let it go and went to sit on the couch, dropping my backpack by the side. Edward flashed in and out of my sight, towards the couch, up the stairs, and back to the couch, before I realized he'd put my backpack upstairs in my room.
"I could have done that." I blushed pink.
"What? And miss that lovely flush to your cheeks?" He smirked at me smugly and I rolled my eyes while blushing darker.
"Sorry," he sighed amusedly, and took a seat with me on the sofa, wrapping me under his arm. My head fell to his shoulder with ease. Not a moment later, Jasper walked through the door and Alice popped up to allow him to slide beneath her in the recliner.
"What exactly are we discussing about Carlisle?" Jasper asked before I could. "You're explanations haven't told us anything."
"There's a lot to say," Alice began. "Bella, you've pointed out a problem that I don't believe Carlisle has actually dealt with. It's something that I only guessed at, back in September."
Unconsciously, I stiffened at the mention of that time in our lives. Edward noticed of course, and tightened his arms around me.
"I'm sorry, love," he murmured against my hair.
"I'll be okay." I swallowed hard, forcing myself not to wallow in memories. Calm that I wasn't feeling crept through me and I half-smiled at Jasper with gratitude. It must have taken a lot for him to let go of his feelings of guilt and calm me.
"For a while after we left Forks," Alice started again, "Carlisle didn't seem so wholly different from how he normally is. Later, though, it became obvious that he wasn't quite right. When you were describing how Carlisle is normally, it made even more sense to me."
She took a deep breath before speaking again, grasping Jasper's hand for support. "We arrived in Denali on the fourteenth, to regroup and pick our next move. Carlisle was his normal self, in charge and calmly planning our options. The next three days, I went on an extended hunting trip with Jasper. Edward had already left to hunt Victoria when we came back."
"You were gone when he left?" I asked incredulously. Edward squeezed my shoulder reassuringly, but he was unable to speak before Alice did.
"I was very angry," she admitted grudgingly, some small amount of guilt crossing her features. "I wanted him to know how wrong I felt his decision was."
My jaw dropped in shock. That was more important to her? Her temper tantrum? Fury clawed its way up my spine.
"Jasper," Edward said warningly, but his brother didn't listen. My immediate anger was somewhat repressed, thought not entirely. Calm that I didn't want was flooding me. That made me even angrier, contrary to Jasper's intent. He really should have listened to Edward's warning; he looked a little shocked by the resistance I was putting up.
"Don't, Jazz," Alice told him quietly before I could say anything. "She needs to say it."
Jasper sighed, but the anger came back to me and the unnatural calm left. Edward's formerly tense body relaxed a bit. Apparently he wasn't any happier about manipulating my emotions at the moment than I was.
"He was going off to hunt Victoria," I spat the name out, with anger now rather than the normal fear, "and you decided that throwing a tantrum was a better plan than seeing him off? What if he'd d-died?"
"I would have seen it." Alice shook her head of spiky black hair in disagreement.
"You saw me jump that cliff, but if I'd really been trying to kill myself, you would have been too late to save me. What if that had happened with Edward?"
Guilt hit me moments after my accusations flew; the anger fled my system. What was I doing? Edward wasn't dead, I wasn't dead. I didn't need to go shouting at Alice for something she couldn't change.
"I…" my best friend was speechless for once. My words must not have been what she had originally seen. I wondered briefly if Jasper's interference had changed the outcome of her vision.
"Ugh," I spewed inarticulately, frustrated by my behavior and the entire situation. But of course I couldn't stay mad at her. It was all in the past, anyway. "I'm sorry, Alice."
"It's okay," she perked up at our reconciliation very quickly. Jasper looked relieved himself.
"What happened after that?" I brought the conversation back into focus.
"The six of us flew to Ithaca the next day," Alice continued to tell the tale, tension slipping back into her posture. "I wasn't paying as much attention as I normally would, because I was worrying about Jasper."
Jasper looked upset with himself, but Alice squeezed his hand and he calmed somewhat.
"Carlisle was very quiet," she continued, "but I didn't look much into it. We were all out of sorts, so it just seemed normal at the time. But the longer we stayed there, the more wrong everything seemed. He and Esme weren't very close for a while. There was a distance there."
"Why?" I asked, surprised. Carlisle and Esme were so much in love that it was hard to picture them not being together whenever they could.
"They felt differently about the move," Alice sighed heavily. "Esme was terribly disappointed that Carlisle agreed to Edward's decision. She hid it well at first, but after Carlisle planned the move to Ithaca it really bothered her. Denali wouldn't be permanent, but Ithaca could have been. She didn't speak to Carlisle for two weeks after we settled in."
"Two weeks?" Could shock become a permanent fixture on a person's face? Edward was equally as stunned by this news, still as a statue beside me. Apparently there were some things he hadn't heard about those months during his absence. Even in others' thoughts.
"Carlisle was so busy then," Alice move forward with understanding, "that it took that whole two-week period for him to really notice the difference. When he finally realized it, he tried to talk to her, but they argued again and—"
"They argued?" Edward took over my startled lines, interrupting his sister. His expression said that he was beyond comprehension, "Actually argued? Carlisle and Esme?"
"Well, to be fair," Jasper interrupted thoughtfully, "Esme was the one with the temper. Carlisle wasn't feeling angry at all. He didn't even raise his voice to her."
"So like Carlisle," I said knowingly.
"Definitely like him," Edward threw in. His voice was rough with emotion. It was almost funny, but now I wondered whathe was thinking.
"Well, I'm not so sure he wouldn't have raised his voice to her." Alice tapped her chin in thought, ignoring Edward's glare. "He could have been angry… if he'd been feeling anything at all."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Edward growled at her.
"I think he was just numb," she went on heedlessly, unaffected by his anger. "Nothing seemed to penetrate his emotions. Even Esme's anger didn't have any momentous effect."
"Alice, explain." Edward didn't sound angry anymore. In fact, he seemed a little afraid for reasons I couldn't understand.
"I don't know that I can," she started, then quickly raised her hands defensively as Edward began to growl. "I'm not the mind-reader, Edward. I couldn't know what he was thinking at the time."
A huff of frustration escaped Edward. "Sorry, Alice."
"Carlisle was already lecturing at Cornell in addition to hospital work," Alice added, somewhat hesitantly. "But he started spending even more time at the hospital. Of course, thanks to that, he encountered many more patients than usual. Many more that died, mostly."
"He was working with the terminal cases?" Edward froze in place. The importance he placed on this fact had me bewildered once again.
"Yes," Alice had a hard time going on. Uncharacteristically, she bit her lip with anxiety. "We didn't know it until sometime in February."
"How could you not know for that long?" Edward scoffed, thankfully coming out of his momentarily frozen state.
"The family wasn't really together until about a week before I came to see Bella," Alice admitted sadly.
"That long?" Edward gasped slightly, "What… Why?"
"Rosalie was angry about uprooting," Jasper replied, obviously knowing better than anyone just how strongly she had felt. "So she traveled…"
"And, of course, when she left, Emmett went with her." Edward completed the unspoken part, some anger in his eyes and stance.
"Of course," Alice nodded in confirmation, eyes hard as steel.
"And you were?" I asked, leveling a mild glower at Alice and Jasper.
"I was researching my family," Alice confessed very quietly, to which I halted my new irritation with her. "Most of it was out of state, since I couldn't find many actual records online or in the library in Ithaca. And without me, Jasper just sort of… stayed isolated. It's actually only luck that I was with them when we found out about Carlisle working with the terminal cases."
"How did you find out?" Edward questioned her.
"A letter of thanks came from the family of one of his deceased patients," Alice answered sadly. "Esme was the one who opened it. She finally realized that something was really wrong."
"Wait," I interceded timidly, hardly daring to believe what I had pieced together. "Esme still wasn't speaking to Carlisle after all those months?"
"Er… she was," Jasper put in uncomfortably, "on the rare occasion they spent any time alone together. But he just wasn't there, emotionally. Plus, he worked so much. And with the terminally-ill, even."
"I'm confused," I ventured, worried at what answers might be given to my next question. "What's so important about Carlisle working with terminal cases?"
"It's rather a long story," Edward sighed deeply, closing his eyes tightly against some hurtful thing that I couldn't see. "To make it short, Carlisle is probably at his worst when he is working with terminally-ill patients. He… has this tendency… to purposefully work nearer to death when he's feeling especially disheartened. Even now, I still can't figure out why. None of us have ever been able to."
This answer was precisely what I'd feared hearing. Yet somehow, as strange as it made me seem, in my twisted rationality it made sense. To work closer to death meant that Carlisle was fighting for something he couldn't have; in the cases of his patients, that would mean their well-being, their lives. I understood that motivation all too well. I knew what it was like to fight for something you thought you would never have. In the blink of an eye, memories of the darkest time of my life flooded through me for the first time in weeks. Really, truly, made their appearance know in ways that had previously not occurred to me. I cringed sharply as the pain washed over me, even as dulled as it was now that Edward was returned to me forever.
"Bella?" Edward's anxious voice penetrated my thoughts and I knew I had been lost in memory far too long. The cold of his body beside me and his hands on my face were some of the greatest balms I could ask for.
"I'm okay," I lied. Not a complete lie, but enough of one that Edward probably wasn't fooled. "It's just…"
"What is it?" he murmured, fanning his chilled breath across my face while his topaz eyes held me captive. Relief poured over me again to know he was here in my arms.
"I think I understand him," I whispered back, terrified to speak all that was on my mind, to let Edward know how deeply he had broken me all those months ago. Because as much as I loved him and knew he was thinking of only me in his choice, it was the truth. He had broken me. Yes, he had been the one who put me back together, but really only he could do that. The place that belonged to him in my heart, the same place which he had broken, was locked away so that only Edward could ever reach it anyway.
"Bella, what on earth are you talking about?" Edward questioned. Fear distorted his perfect, angelic features. He glanced at Alice worriedly, but her face was smooth, motionless. He turned back to me, slight frustration underlying the nearing panic; Alice was still blocking him. That meant he wouldn't be able to see what I intended to say. I was relieved somewhat. At least he couldn't cut me off before I finished. Some weird sense of confidence filled me.
"I think… when Carlisle's really down, really depressed…" I slowly began to explain, pulling my eyes away from Edward's still-frightened gaze so I could actually carry on, "he needs to feel like he's fighting it. But you can't fight a feeling. Not really. So instead, he fights what he knows how to fight; sickness and disease. And he'll fight the hardest in the cases of the terminally-ill. People always fight harder for the lost causes. I don't think he realizes that's what he's doing. It's probably a subconscious thing."
Edward looked strangely relaxed as I finished my explanation. There wasn't even a hint of the anxiety there had been at the beginning. Confusion was my most prevalent emotion.
"Are you all right?" I dubiously asked him.
"Fine," he half-smiled at me. My confusion went up a notch.
"Now," Jasper muttered, low enough that he probably hadn't meant me to hear. My ears weren't as insensitive as he thought.
"Just now?" I asked, eyeing Jasper so that they knew I heard him.
Edward sighed in annoyance at his brother, sending him a withering gaze. "Well, at first I thought you meant something else. That you could understand Carlisle's feelings on this because you felt the same. I should have realized you were only using your unparalleled perceptiveness."
He was so earnest, so proud of me. How could I tell him the truth? Could I break that sweet little bit of pride that he held in my mental faculties? It seemed an impossibly daunting task; like fighting the waves after I had jumped from the cliff in La Push. After a long moment of decision, I decided I could not do that to Edward. I loved him too much to go stabbing him with the knife of his own choice. But I stared just a moment too long, just a tad too incomprehensively, just a sliver too sadly. His pleasant expression dropped in an instant. There was no way I could keep it from him now.
"Bella." Edward's voice was deceptively even and steady. The pain would be there soon enough, I thought miserably. From the corner of my eye, I just barely took notice of the fact that Jasper and Alice were determinedly looking away from us.
"I'm sorry," I pleaded with him to understand how reluctant I was to divulge this to him. "I didn't want to tell you this. I don't want to hurt you."
"You feel the same," he whispered and his voice was barely steady anymore. Agony filled his topaz eyes.
"Not now," I murmured, agonizingly quiet. "When you left… I was hurt and… depressed. I had to fight the hurt and depression off or else I couldn't survive. But like I said, you can't fight a feeling."
Edward's face carried that awful expression again… like he was burning alive, as he had the night of the vote. As he would, I suspected, whenever he thought he was causing me any kind of pain, no matter how small. I reached up to soothe his creased forehead with both of my thumbs, but it was ineffective against his granite skin.
"I couldn't fight the hurt," I whispered now, somehow afraid that anything louder would break him, "Instead, I fought the idea that you didn't love me. If you were never coming back, then it was a lost cause, but that meant that I would fight all the harder for it. That's why I did reckless things to hear your voice. That's why I never moved on with anyone else. Because I knew, deep down, that you really did love me. But I didn't realize that's actually what I was fighting for. I couldn't admit it to myself when I was hurting so much without you… I really think I do understand why Carlisle works with the lost causes. I've fought for one myself. The only difference is that my cause was found again."
Every emotion under the sun crossed Edward's face during the second part of my explanation. I was sure that my own features hadn't been very far behind. Softly I drew my hands over every inch of his beautiful face and down around the nape of his neck, hoping beyond hope that I could comfort him.
"I love you." I pulled his nearly immovable marble face down to mine, pressing my lips to his. My kiss was filled with every ounce of the devotion I had in me; I tried to say that everything's all right now. The world's not dark anymore. For a moment, he was unresponsive, still lost in a haze of pain. Cold, hard lips stood immobile against my soft, warm human ones.
When I wrapped my arms around his neck, that changed as quickly as only a vampire could make it happen. In my mind, I hardly even processed the sudden, tight embrace; I was far too focused on the pressure and movement of his mouth. My heart raced ahead of my thoughts and breath seemed all too trivial. He pulled away too soon, as always, settling his forehead against mine while I calmed my breathing.
"I do love you," he insisted vehemently, his voice like rough velvet, eyes intense enough to drown in.
"I know," I cooed quietly, placing another brief kiss on his mouth. "I always did."
Like the sun breaking through the clouds, Edward's crooked grin spread across his radiant face.
"That's what I wanted to see," I smiled happily at him. "Now, come on. We've got to help Carlisle, don't we?"
He barked a laugh at my abrupt determination. "Yes, we do."
"Thank goodness," Alice sighed, making her presence known again. "I've been waiting for something to explode eventually, but this was probably the easiest way I could have imagined."
"You saw this beforehand?" I turned to her with wide eyes, frustration simmering beneath the surface.
"No," she rolled her eyes at me. "I just knew that one way or another, you two would have to talk about this a little more."
"So we really do need to talk about Carlisle, right?" I needed to ensure that fact.
"Yes, of course, Bella," she sighed loudly, crossing her arms petulantly. "Why in the heck would I suggest coming here, to your house, with me and Jasper, so you and Edward could talk about that? I could have set the idea in your head anytime, preferably for when you were alone."
"I have no idea," I threw my hands in the air irritably. "With you, a person never knows what you're planning and what you're really planning."
"That's an amazing distinction." She eyed me speculatively and Jasper attempted to stifle a snicker.
"I learned it from Edward," I muttered. His corresponding laughter was music to my ears.
A/N: Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed Chapter 9: Smart!