The Sorcerer's Slave
Chapter 10
Arthur dreams of Lancelot's sacrifice of his life on the Isle of the Blessed to heal the tear between the worlds. He dreams that Lancelot is asking him why he had to be sacrificed.
"I'm sorry, Lancelot. I let the best and noblest of us all die for me. I should have stopped you." He sits up crying in his sleep. Merlin shakes him to try to wake him.
"It was his choice, Arthur. Listen to me. He went willingly," Merlin says. Then after a pause, he adds, "you were, erm, incapacitated."
But Merlin's own thoughts turn to Lancelot's sacrifice, his own guilt that the knight took Merlin's place to enter the veil. Lancelot had heard what the dragon said when Merlin told him he planned to offer himself in Arthur's place. "You must not do this, Merlin," the dragon had growled at him late that night when Lancelot and Merlin made their way back to rejoin Arthur and the others. "Lancelot did it for me. To save me," Merlin thinks, the pain of his own loss still fresh for him as well.
Arthur looks at him in confusion, disbelieving, and Merlin adds, "I meant to take your place to save you and Camelot. It shouldn't have been you, nor Lancelot."
"It was my burden for my people, my duty. No one else should have died in my place," Arthur mumbles, still half-asleep. "It's my fault he's dead."
"No Arthur, you should never have tried to sacrifice yourself," Merlin cries to him. "You are too important to Camelot. I would have willingly given my life for yours. But Lancelot took the decision away from me. You are not to blame."
Arthur looks at the man who speaks to him as he emerges from the fog of pain of his dreams. He listens to his words and feels easier in his mind. But he doesn't see the man he knows as Merlin, despite Merlin's words of reassurance. He is so caught up in his own pain and confusion that he doesn't question why or who is talking to him. Even with the words meant to comfort, Arthur sees only the sorcerer who holds him a slave, and who he thinks is using magic causing him to experience all this pain and torment. His head hurts, and he rocks himself, holding his head in his hands.
Merlin stands up and rummages through his supplies in his medicine bag. "Here. Drink this; it will help you sleep again," Merlin says in a tone of command, handing the other a little bottle. Arthur empties the vial of the sleeping draught. He lies down again, and quickly falls into a dreamless sleep.
Merlin lies awake, his own thoughts in turmoil. Had he given too much away when he said he would have given his life for Arthur's? He was desperate to assure Arthur of his worth, his value, and alleviate his torment. But what would Arthur remember of Merlin's words spoken by a man he knew as a sorcerer? Would he remember the words and connect them to the man?
xXx
Sir Geoffrey of Monmouth and his entourage arrive back at Camelot in a disheartened straggle. Percival and Gwaine are grim-faced with anger as they pass through the gates into the courtyard. All their attempts to find and follow a trail that Arthur may have taken were thwarted by Geoffrey and his demands that they attend him constantly.
As expected, Geoffrey's visits with court officials in neighboring kingdoms yielded no information on Arthur's whereabouts. Although he was graciously welcomed, and offered sympathetic platitudes for Camelot's loss of her prince, no one could help.
A guard had run to the Citadel to inform the Lord Regent that Sir Geoffrey's party was sighted on the road approaching Camelot, so Agravaine, followed by members of the court, Gaius among them, was already descending the main staircase into the courtyard when Geoffrey and the knights ride up. A page runs up to them with mounting steps to facilitate Geoffrey's descent from his horse. Other pages wait to take the reins from the knights as they dismount.
"Sir Geoffrey," Agravaine says when he reaches the bottom of the stairs, "it's good to see you arrived safely back to Camelot."
"Lord Agravaine," Geoffrey says with a slight incline of his head to the regent. "I bear you greetings from neighboring kingdoms, as well as their regrets that they know nothing of Prince Arthur's fate. None have seen him, nor heard any news of where he may be found."
"That is indeed a tragedy, to learn that our crown prince will never be located." Agravaine's face is appropriately somber at this statement, while thinking exultantly, "Morgana will be pleased. Our time has come. With Arthur finally gone, she will be Queen."
Gaius, standing among the other courtiers, also presents a melancholy visage at Geoffrey's news. But he also exults inside, except his joy is for Arthur, knowing that he will soon be returning to Camelot to resume his rightful place. "Bring him home safely, Merlin. And soon," he prays silently to himself.
xXx
Night after night Arthur continues to be plagued by his pain and guilt at the deaths of so many that he felt he should have saved. His self-loathing over Lancelot has an added twist to his grief at his death – Guinevere's grief. She mourned Lancelot deeply, Arthur knew. She had told Arthur that she had made Lancelot promise to keep Arthur safe, and that he was true to his words. He did it for his love of Guinevere. But in his dreams, this recollection becomes twisted and vicious.
When Arthur sits up suddenly and cries out in his sleep about Guinevere and Lancelot, Merlin is awakened from his own troubled sleep. He scuttles over to Arthur's pallet, and tries to break him of his emotional turmoil. Arthur is crying, sitting up in his half-sleep, his arms wrapped around his body, rocking with the pain he feels. Lancelot's sacrifice is once again in his nightmares, but it is the hurt it caused Guinevere that torments him now.
"It's my fault Lancelot's dead. Guinevere will never forgive me, will never love me."
"She will, Arthur. She does," Merlin tells him, believing it.
Arthur shakes his head, his eyes squeezed shut, leaking tears. "No, no, no. She said he gave his life to protect me. She loved him and lost him because of me."
"She may have loved him once, but she loves you only."
"I don't deserve her love. I will never be good enough," Arthur sobs. "I have failed everyone."
Merlin takes hold of Arthur's shoulders, shakes him gently to capture his attention, and looks him in the eye with his own eyes flaring gold before they fade back to blue. "No, Arthur. You haven't failed anyone."
Arthur looks at the face of the older man with the greying beard and sad blue eyes, wanting to believe. He's not sure if he's awake or still dreaming, but he feels calmer. The older man helps him lie down again, and after Arthur soon falls back to sleep. Merlin sits quietly and looks at him, aching for his pain. He closes his eyes and whispers, half to himself, shaking his head, "you've never failed me."
xXx
As the days passed, Merlin reduces the hold the enchantment has on Arthur's mind. He is coming back to who he is. His behavior is no longer passive and quiet. But Arthur still suffers and hallucinates, thinking that the sorcerer is the source of his pain and confusion. As he gets stronger, Arthur reacts badly to what he thinks is an evil use of magic causing him pain.
One morning just as dawn was breaking, waking from another nightmare, Arthur lashes out. He is angry. In his nightmare, he relived the attack by the bandits who killed his fellow knights and sold him to Jarl. He experiences again the brutal treatment he endured at the hands of Jarl's guards and the loss of his self and his will to the first sorcerer. In his dream, in his memory, he saw himself being sold to the man now keeping him prisoner in the cave – another sorcerer.
"I am a prince, not a slave." This thought consumes him. He sits up on his pallet, pulls on his boots silently, seeing the sorcerer asleep a short distance away, closer to the entrance of the cave.
With a strength born of suppressed rage and fear, he jumps to his feet and grabs Merlin's pocketknife that had been left on a small ledge near the cook-fire. He lunges across the cave to where Merlin is asleep on his pallet, and crouches over him, intending to stab the middle-aged sorcerer he sees sleeping there and kill him.
Merlin wakes, sensing Arthur's movement toward him, and, torn from a deep sleep, finds himself in a fight for his life with Arthur. Rolling over, he reaches out frantically and grabs Arthur's arm with the knife poised to stab him. He yanks Arthur off balance and Arthur falls sideways onto the floor of the cave, still clutching the knife.
Merlin dives after him, trying to wrest his pocketknife from Arthur's hand. They struggle, rolling on the floor of the cave in the dim light from the dying fire and dawning light at the cave's entrance, Merlin holding on to Arthur's forearm. Arthur breaks free, and pins Merlin to the floor of the cave, his left hand around his throat. Merlin twists and squirms, kicking out, trying to extricate himself, his eyes focused on the knife tightly clutched in Arthur's right hand.
As Arthur raises his arm to stab Merlin with the knife, Merlin wrenches his body to the side, shifting Arthur's weight. The knife strikes, slashing Merlin's shoulder. At the shock of the sudden pain, Merlin's magic reacts involuntarily to the attack and knocks the blade from Arthur's hand while shoving Arthur up and back, to slump against the wall of the cave.
Arthur is stunned, but unharmed; he levers himself up, panting in anger. Arthur shakes his head to clear it, and yells, "you are a sorcerer, Myrddin! Keep away from me! I am not your slave!" He turns and flees the cave.
Arthur runs outside to get a horse. Merlin staggers after him, his hand pressing into his bleeding shoulder, trying desperately to stop him from leaving before he is fully himself. As Arthur is mounting his horse without bothering to put a saddle on her, Merlin realizes he doesn't have the strength to prevent his departure. He moves to stand in front of the horse, and places his hands on either side of Llamri's head. His eyes flash gold, as he spells a silent command, "take him safely home."
When Arthur has gained his seat on the horse, he kicks out with his foot and hits Merlin in the eye with the toe of his boot. Arthur wheels the horse around; Merlin collapses. As he falls, Merlin loses control over the aging spell and returns to his own form. He watches Arthur gallop away, riding bareback, but Arthur does not look back. Just before Merlin loses consciousness, his last thought is: "The horse knows the way, Arthur. Trust the horse. The horse knows the way."