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FIGHTING YOUR DEMONS

CHAPTER 9

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When your heart is aching and your head is hurting, do you have the will to pull through? The strength to move onward? Where do you turn when all has gone wrong?

The feelings that coursed through her body where overwhelming her mind. She wanted to shut down and leave everything behind just so she could gain some sort of reprieve. She was frustrated, she was exhausted and most of all she was unsure; she wanted nothing more than to be herself again, but she wasn't sure she knew who that was anymore.

As the hours passed and the minutes waned, Ziva's will to pull through diminished with the seconds.

--

"We talked to Rawlins, Boss. It would seem that Lieutenant Dalton knew Petty Officer Steele more than he was letting on." Tony's eyes were trained on Ziva as he spoke over the phone.

"What else did you find out, DiNozzo?" Gibbs prompted after Tony's pause lingered for too long.

"Rawlins didn't seem to think too highly of Petty Officer Steele's sister either. He never met her though; he just said that she sounded a bit manipulative." Tony shrugged his shoulders, not making much of the words but deciding to pass the along nonetheless.

"Good work, DiNozzo. Get back to the office, I think we need to go talk to Melanie Steele before we bring in Dalton for questioning."

Tony hesitated briefly, though not long enough for Gibbs to hang up on him, before speaking. "Actually Boss, I was wondering if I could take Ziva out for lunch."

Tony's heart pumped as the other end of the line went silent, he needed this time with Ziva and he just hoped Gibbs wouldn't say no. Tony listened as a sigh filtered through the line and he felt his heart drop into the pit of his stomach.

"Alright DiNozzo. Just keep her safe." With those final words Gibbs hung up the phone. He sank into his chair while his thoughts ran wild, he hoped Ziva would be alright, she was really starting to worry him.

Tony turned to Ziva with a big smile stretched across his lips, his eyes were light and he seemed genuinely happy. "I know a great little deli a few miles from here." His voice was soft with his effort not to spook her too bad.

"Okay." Ziva said softly as she stared out the window. She missed the frown that came across Tony's face at her lack of enthusiasm as he quickly masked it.

"You're really going to enjoy it there." He smiled softly in her direction, ignoring the pain in his heart because he knew she was not herself.

With great effort Ziva turned her head towards Tony and produced a tiny smile – a mere upturn in the corner of her lips – and Tony felt his heart flutter in return. He beamed in her direction, before putting the car into gear and pulling away from Rawlins office.

Tony already felt as though Dr Rawlins' advice was taking effect; his heart already felt at ease instead of tied in knots the way it had been all week.

Ziva allowed herself a tiny moment of happiness as she took in Tony's bright smile directed at her. It quickly diminished as she realized in the end she would only cause him more pain then happiness and as quick as her happiness had come about it was taken away from her and that dark cloud was hanging over her head once more.

--

The drive was silent but both passengers mind was on something else.

Tony couldn't help but think that things were going to be getting better before they got any worse. He wanted to jump for joy and pull Ziva into his arms while he placed loving kisses all over her face. He wanted to hold her and never let her go. He smiled at the lightness he felt as that weight he had been baring finally lifted.

Ziva sighed as she hung her head once again. She thought about how she could lessen the pain she brought upon everyone in her life. The only thing she could think of was to hold her burdens on her own and keep them away from everyone else. She nodded resolutely, resolving herself to carry her own problems.

--

The tires crunched along the gravel of the parking lot as they pulled into a space. Tony smiled as he stepped out of the car inhaling the air as if it was a brand new day. "You're really going to enjoy the sandwiches here, Zee-vah." Tony announced turning to face the other side of the car only to find that Ziva had yet to exit the vehicle.

His spirits only dropped marginally at this as a sigh heaved its way past his lips as he made his way around the car. He pulled open the door offering a warm smile in her direction as he swept his arm out in an unspoken gesture for her to exit the car.

Ziva barely spared him a glance as she scooted off the seat and stood upon shaky limbs. She gave him a slight nod as she stepped away from his form. His presence was invading her senses, his soft smile made her want to say things she would never think of telling anyone else and she couldn't have that weakness in her heart.

Tony ignored her movements to put some more space between them; instead he shut the door and pushed the button to lock it before briefly tugging on the sleeve of her jacket. "Let's go Ziva." He gave her his warm smile, hoping to break through her barriers the way Dr Rawlins had.

Her lips tugged upward despite the inner conflict that raged within her body. She nodded once more, a soft-spoken "alright" filtering past her chapped lips.

His smile broadened as she took a sure step towards the building; he could be her rock and he knew that she would pull through, he just hoped that that didn't take too long to come about.

The door opened with a soft ding of the bell that hung from the handle. There were a few other people within the establishment sitting at tables eating sandwiches or drinking coffee and reading a newspaper. A woman stood behind the counter running a red dish-clothe over her hands before stuffing the fabric into the pocket of her apron. "Welcome." She greeted warmly and despite the warm-welcoming Ziva didn't feel accepted.

Her fingers curled and she sucked in a breath as she tried to ignore the feeling that eyes were upon her. Faint words echoed within her mind whispering words of hatred and betrayal. She shivered as the mocking words "sister" and "friend" filtered through her mind. She had been much of either and she felt her throat close at the thought. She should have been better. She bit her lip peeling off the top layer of dried skin as the sharp edges raked across the plump surface. She had failed in too many aspects and she no longer wanted to be a failure.

"Ziva?" Tony questioned for the third time. Her eyes had gone glassy and he had grabbed hold of her arm out of fear of her collapsing. He had already paid and ordered and she hadn't even responded in the slightest.

"Yes?" Ziva questioned; ignoring the thick quality her voice held, she hated any physical appearance of tears and the heavy quality in her voice was as physical a sign as any.

"I ordered you a Philly-cheese-steak sandwich, extra cheese, extra steak." He wanted to ask if she was alright, but he already knew the answer to the question and the answer he would receive were two different thinks.

She looked into his eyes only to look away seconds later at the intensity she saw within his gaze. She couldn't stand it; the trust his put in her was undeserved and unwarranted but she couldn't tell him the truth. She didn't think that she could stand seeing the emotion drain from his eyes only to be replaced by hatred. She swallowed thickly before answering. "Thank you."

She turned on her heel walking towards the table in an attempt to get away from his penetrating gaze. She really wished he wouldn't look at her with those inquisitive eyes, it made her want to burrow deeper within herself just so she knew for sure that he could not see past her barriers.

The chair creaked with age as she eased herself into it, she plucked at the fraying edges of the tablecloth with nimble fingers as she let her mind wander back to the demons that haunted her from the safety of the dark.

Tony stared after her concerned etched onto his features as he watched her mindless play with the tablecloth. It was odd for him to see her so out of it; he was so used to her being alert and on top of things – and to see her so out of it and put down nearly broke his heart in two all the while it renewed his efforts to make her better. He wanted to see that playful smile dance across her lips while the mischievous light lit her eyes with is sparkling intensity. He wanted her to be his Ziva once more and he would do anything to bring her back.

"Tony?" The woman on the other side of the counter questioned and he whirled around to see the sandwich's resting atop the counter in their plastic red baskets. She pushed the baskets closer to him before sliding him one iced tea and one Pepsi. "Enjoy your lunch." A saddened smile was on her lips as she eyed Ziva. "Don't let her go; she looks like she could use someone."

Tony nodded; each moment that passed seemed to solidify Ziva's unstable behavior. Before all this it was a rare person that could read her emotions; and now it seemed that anyone who dared spare her a second glance could read the ambiguity present on her visage. "Thank you." He uttered sincerely before picking up the sandwich's one in each hand and walking towards the table Ziva had chosen.

He placed her sandwich in front of her and then set his own down in front of his respective spot. He sat down on the chair all the while eyeing Ziva's rigid form. He didn't move to grab his sandwich though his stomach protested its hunger, instead he waited. "Did you want something different?" He questioned smoothly and watched as she shook herself out of her stupor and eyed the food that sat in front of her.

"No thank you, Tony. This is fine." She didn't meet his eyes as she plucked the sandwich from out of the basket and brought it to her lips. Her stomach rolled and she wasn't entirely sure if it was from nausea or hunger. She ignored the feeling opting instead to sink her teeth into the delicious morsel that was currently wafting its mouth-watering scent around her form. The flavor hit her tongue; seeming to burst across her taste buds as she slowly chewed. Her eyes fell shut and for a moment she forgot who she was and everything she was trying to run from. She swallowed and her throat felt swollen as the food eased its way down her esophagus, it'd been so long since she had anything filling and she savored the moment.

Ziva opened her eyes, giving Tony half a smile as she finally locked eyes with him. "Thanks." She murmured and if Tony didn't know any better he would say that she sounded a bit shy. Her eyes were quickly averted and she missed the way Tony's eyes lit.

"It's no problem." He murmured back, his voice holding its usual lilt that had been dampened by recent events. He lifted his own sandwich to his lips, satisfied that she was actually eating something.

He would never admit it to her, but he was worried sick about her. His stomach flipped each time she showed some new sign of her descent into depression, but he wouldn't allow himself to become weakened by it. He had to stay strong; for the both of them.

Few words were spoken during the remainder of lunch but it wasn't entirely an awkward affair. Ziva kept herself from retreating into the recesses of her mind and Tony stopped himself from chattering incessantly, he had hopes that when she was ready Ziva would talk to him. He did not realize that in Ziva's mind she would do anything to keep her faults a secret. She couldn't have any more people she loved thinking any less of her because of her past. She was already broken and she couldn't handle yet another blow.

~*~

Has anyone else been enjoying season 6 as much as I have? I am all tied up in knots as I wait for the season finale to come upon us but I am eager not upset. All will work out in the end – maybe not the end of this season but at some point there will be TIVA – at least that is what I have worked out with myself. I can't give up; I won't give up.

Sorry for my mini rant, I cut myself off because I believe I could have gone on for days but I spared the lot of you. Did you enjoy this chapter? I enjoyed writing it no matter how hard it was for me to get out on paper. I have 2 other chapters for this started and they both remain unfinished because I cannot seem to figure out where exactly I want to take them. But all of your reviews really and truly help me! Once again I would like to thank you all who contributed to those 101 reviews.