Chapter 10 – The Confines of Secrecy

Hey guys! Sorry it took so long for this one. Summer vacation has given me lots of time to plot and lots of time to be lazy and do nothing, so my apologies. I hope none of you have lost interest. As usually, please enjoy, review, favorite and follow! It's greatly appreciated and it helps me to write more, faster! So please give me your feedback! Enjoy Chapter 10!

My eyes fluttered open, the bright light of the sun streaming in through the curtains and veils of my rooms making fiery pain burst behind my eyes. I shut them as quickly as I had opened them, groaning slightly as I maneuvered myself against the beams of light cascading in my room. I quietly reminded myself never to drink again since it seemed like I was a light weight and the awful pounding in my head and the throbbing behind my eyes told me my body agreed. I peeked out of the corner of my eye at the stairs leading out of my bed chambers since somehow I had managed to move to the entirely opposite corner of the bed, but Cullen was nowhere in sight. I pushed myself up to turn but my body wavered slightly and I heard the rustle of papers from behind me. I peeked again and found Cullen sitting on the floor, his normal armor still not on and instead he was just wearing a pair of breeches and a medium sized beige tunic. His honey eyes looked back at me from over the top of one of the books he was reading and he set it down on a pile next to him. He smiled sheepishly at me and I felt my heart clench in my chest.

"Good morning," he murmured, standing and stretching his arms above his head. His muscles tightened and released and I blushed slightly, realizing he probably knew that I was watching him.

"What is so good about this morning?" I questioned, turning over and stuffing my face into a pillow, the spinning in my head refusing to cease.

"Well, you're alive and I'm alive," I felt him kneel on the bed, his weight letting me know where he was. I felt his fingers caress my side and trail up as he pushed hair out of my face. "And since we're both alive, how about we live life together? Come on, wake up, we have work to do." I shot him a pissed off look, deciding this was not one of the days I wanted to be the inquisitor. I wanted to be a normal girl with a normal life. I was surprised that Cullen had even stayed with me considering what a work freak he was. The thoughts in my brain that were all fuzzy began to quiet down as I realized that probably meant he'd rather spend most of his time with me, and I broke out into a smile that was muffled by the pillow.

"Can I ask you a question?" I asked, turning over so that I could look at him before I asked. His features became perplexed but he nodded in encouragement.

"Why didn't you come last night? To dinner I mean." He looked down, rolling over so that he laid on his back, his eyes staring at the ceiling.

"I had a meeting to go to."

"A meeting? With who? There wasn't a council at the the War Table." His eyes darted to mine and then he looked back at the top of the room. He rubbed the space between his eyes and his forehead as if he had a headache growing there.

"I met with Cassandra. We had some things to...Discuss." He inhaled shakily and that's when I began to realize there was more to this than what he was telling me, and if it was in my walls, I wanted to know what it was.

"Was it information? Should we have a council for it?" Now I know I'm not the best at reading people without my strange gift of aura sensing, and most times when I read people I have the innate sense that I'm wrong, but when Cullen stood up and shook his hands at me, panic in his eyes, I felt dread rise in my chest and curiosity begin to gnaw at my thoughts.

"No no no, nothing like that. It was just some things." He was trying to play it off like it didn't matter, yet last night he had said it was important. I cocked my head at him. Okay, that's obviously not going to work, I mused silently. I pulled my legs to the edge of the bed and let them dangle for a few moments before letting them sit on sturdy ground. I took his large, calloused and tan hands within mine, rubbing his palms in my own in what I hoped was a comforting manner.

"Hey, look. I won't ask about it anymore," He exhaled a relieved sigh. "But I'm going to tell you that you can trust me, with anything. I'm not only the Inquisitor, and I'm not only Brea...I..." I choked on my words, realizing I didn't exactly know what I was to him, or what I was to anyone, as a matter of fact. I couldn't say I was his friend because I felt it was quite obvious I wasn't, but I couldn't exactly say we were a couple either. We were paired people which acted out in fits of passion and emotion, who took comfort in each other. I trembled with that thought and tried to pick up where I left off.

"I hope you know that I'm more than that, especially for you." I swallowed hard, my eyes looking away from his for the first time. He kneeled in front of me and took my face in his hands, my eyes locking on his. They were soft and sad, filled with words that he couldn't tell me. I could feel he wanted to–sense it from his confused aura, but he still restrained himself. Silently I wondered if there wasn't something going on with the Inquisition, or even Cassandra, but possibly my own Commander. My Cullen.

"I know." He whispered. "I know." He leaned forward and I let my eyes fall closed, his lips stroking against my own slowly at first. After a few movements his kisses became more impassioned–more bold. He moved forward, his arms secured on either side of my body as he pushed above me and my hands automatically secured themselves around his neck. I pulled him closer to me, trying to comfort him with my body in ways that my words obviously couldn't. One of his hands left the side of my body and held onto my hip for balance. He pushed himself up and we both breathed harshly before he stood up and carefully pulled me with him.

"We have work to do," he muttered, grabbing his furs and draping them around his shoulders. He reached for his armor but I took it instead and gave him a firm look.

"Let me." His eyes narrowed in on me as I circled around him and put the chest plate on, golden eyes watching my every movement like a lion. I blinked up at him innocently.

"I do this every day, you realize." I giggled as I fumbled with one of the straps and he pressed me against him and left a soft kiss on my forehead.

"I wanted to try," I pouted at him and he grumbled, allowing me to put on the rest of his armor. He looked at the mirror and a horrified look passed over his features.

"Hey–it's not that bad!" I groused, looking in my closet for my inquisitor attire. The pounding in my head was still present but I was happier now–despite the strange way he was acting and the obvious secret he was keeping from me.

"No it's not that. It's my hair." I laughed and poked my head from around the corner as I shimmied into the tight leggings of my inquisitor pants.

"So you do style your hair! I win the bet!" He gave be a hard stare from the mirror as he tried to run his fingers through the soft, blonde curls of his hair.

"Come here," I called as I finished the last button on my vest, the silver latches secured tightly around my chest and stomach. Shoulders hunched and gait slow, he moved into my bathroom and stood in front of me. Now he was the one pouting at me. I chuckled at him and kissed the side of his mouth before I handed him some hair gel. He smiled a brilliant, white toothed smile and went to fixing his hair in another one of my smaller mirrors. Before he left I handed him a small file case that I told him he could go to Leliana so that it gave him a reason for being in my chambers and I kissed him on the cheek, his stubble scratching my lips. He left first and then I left a few minutes after him, our departures timed apart so that it seemed less suspicious. I wanted to shout my feelings for him into the air, but if word spread that the Commander of the Inquisition and the Inquisitor were sharing a bedchamber, no matter what we were doing, word would spread through all of Thedas. I shook my head as I imagined all the rumors that they would make. My favorite were the pregnancy rumors that would arise. Maker, I already had pregnancy rumors swirling around and I wasn't even intimate with anyone.

But I had a plan. It wasn't a big plan and it would hopefully be answered very soon, but I couldn't let something eat at Cullen and not figure out what it was at least. I walked down the steps of the dining hall and out of the Skyhold castle. My steps were lighter than usual but still heavy, my hangover not completely gone. My feet took me towards Cassandra's little area of dummies where she took out her anger and practiced at the same time. I noticed the way she eyed me when I picked up a sword and began to train next to her, my hits precise and well distributed.

"Good morning, Cassandra." I said, a blow landing on the neck of my cloth opponent. She paused and then took another swing, her longsword chopping off the head of the wooden training doll. Cassandra moved to the next one.

"Good morning to you as well, Inquisitor. Is there a reason that you grace me this morning with your lovely presence?" I couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not, as she usually was. Occasionally she would be in a snappy mood, but that was only if Varric was around or if she had ran out of cloth dolls to practice on.

"I heard last night you had a meeting with the Commander." Silence. I peeked around the doll at her, and she seemed to be contemplating her next move against the dummy, her sword held against the space where the shoulder would have met the neck of her opponent.

"Yes, I did." There was a certain amount of hesitancy in her voice that immediately sent me on edge. "We had some business to discuss." I tilted my head towards her, my priorities no longer on the dummy. My eyes focused on her, the rigidness of her posture, the hard hits of her sword.

"And Cullen spoke of the same business, but I have yet to hear what it is." She dropped her sword and stood against me, obviously a dominance pose. I had a few inches of height over her, her short black hair blowing softly on the wind as she stared me down with her hazel eyes.

"You and I have nothing to discuss. The matter is all our Commanders, and he should be the one to tell you what we discussed last night." She smirked at me and returned to her dummy. "Of course, that is if he truly trusts you." She muttered against the wind, loud enough so she knew I would hear. The blow hit straight were my confusion had buried itself, striking a hit against my heart.

He hadn't tried to contact me for the rest of the day, my scouts telling me that he was preoccupied with papers and reports, the constant flow of people in his office never ending. I sat on my bed, my fingers playing with the fine lace edging of my pillow, contemplating what Cullen was keeping from me. He was defensive about it, and tried to feign nonchalance at my questioning. My memories replayed this morning in fine detail, and I reminded myself that he had been reading before I had woken up. What book? I rose to my feet, stretching my tired limbs as I peered at the pile of books by my desk and floor.

I fingered the spiral of one of the books, as the title came into view. The Long Term Effects of Sustained Lyrium Dosages to Templars. I cocked my head at the name, all of my thoughts conjuring the only thing he would have to keep away from me. Lyrium addiction. But why go to Cassandra? I wondered helplessly, the words I wanted to speak dying in my throat and my thoughts ceasing to flow. He was a Templar. What happened when he stopped taking his drafts of lyrium? I had never guessed if that was a problem, automatically assuming that he was fine, normal even. I realized nothing about our situation was normal, and I had been a fool to assume the lack of lyrium supply wouldn't effect him. An insidious voice inside of my mind told me it was due to my Mage history, but I quickly pushed that voice aside.

I heard the soft steps of a guest and I dropped the leather, spiral bound tome with a hard thud, stepping around the pile of books in the most guilty fashion. Blonde curls appeared from the top step as golden eyes appeared and the crinkle of a smile. I bit my lip, my eyes traveling over his broad, muscled shoulders and lithe, graceful body.

"Enjoying the view, Inquisitor?" I stuck my tongue out at him, and he rushed forward, grasping me in his arms in a flurry of nightgown and metal, his face buried deeply in my neck.

"I missed you, Brea." I chuckled.

"It's only been a day." He shook his head at me, nuzzling my cheek.

"Far too long for me." In that moment of happiness, I completely forgot about Cullen's secret, but I decided I wouldn't prod at it like I had promised him, although it nagged annoyingly at my mind.

We laid silent for some time, my cheek resting against his shoulder, my hand flat on his chest. It was intimate and yet sweet, nothing sexual but nothing mundane either. I sighed and pushed my head back into the pillow, pushing myself away from him. I couldn't take it, the knowledge that he was keeping something from me. It was fear and jealousy in its purest forms, eating away at my gut and my thoughts like a writhing demon. I would have rather faced a demon than this own personal hell that I was putting myself through, the notion that I was unworthy of his trust like Cassandra's words spiraling in my head like a never ending symphony of hate and distrust.

"Brea?" I burrowed my face into the pillow, a single tear meandering itself down my cheek and staining the plush cover. Did he really not trust me? I had given him no reason to, and yet I felt like there were more than a million. What if what I felt...Was just that. What I felt. Maybe Cullen felt nothing at all and he just didn't want to anger his higher up. I cursed myself for having the same thoughts as yesterday when I was drunk. My mind was a cacophonous riot in my head that wouldn't cease fighting, blow after blow after blow to my psyche that was driving me mad.

"Fade," I shuddered and I felt Cullen wrap himself against me, his strong, warm body pressing against mine. More comforting than any foe, yet I still felt the fear in the back of my mind.

"I'm going to go to my chambers." He whispered against the side of my head, the curls of my hair brushing against my ear and the soft words crushing me. Instead of showing the defeat I felt in my heart, I turned towards him and gave him a weak smile.

"Good evening, Cullen." His eyebrows pulled over his honey golden eyes, full with sorrow.

"Good evening."