Chapter 10
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After paying the bill, Castle followed Kate out into the chilly night air. With no destination in mind, they started walking away from the lights and the crowds.
"So, your dad looked happy when he left. Things went well?" she asked. Castle felt the familiar twinge of frustration as she immediately steered the conversation away from the subject of her therapist, but his lingering excitement about the time spent with his father quickly overshadowed it.
"Yeah, actually it did. I mean, it wasn't an easy conversation to have, but, yeah, I think it went well."
"You guys seemed like you were having a pretty serious discussion. Did he tell you why he left?" When he didn't answer right away, Kate worried that she was pushing for too much information. She, more than anyone, knew how uncomfortable that could be and decided to back off. "Forget I asked, I didn't mean to pry."
"No, it's okay. I just haven't had much time to even process it all." Without going into too much detail, he filled her in on the conversation they had had. "You should have heard the way he talked about my mother. I could tell he really loved her. In the end, that's the most important thing. Although, in the end, I guess it's also the most tragic. That they were in love, but his gambling kept them apart."
She heard the wistful tone in his voice and imagined that he was thinking about how different things would have been if his father had just walked away from the gambling.
"Do you plan on seeing him again?"
"Yeah. We haven't made any firm plans, but I did tell him that next time he's in town we'll go out again, and I'll bring Alexis. I know she wants to get to know him, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way."
"What about Martha?"
"I don't know. They both looked really uncomfortable when they saw each other last week. I guess I'll have to see how she feels after I tell her about tonight. The last thing I want is for her to be hurt by any of this. Maybe just Alexis and I should go the first time?"
While listening to Castle talk, Kate couldn't help but notice the other couples out enjoying late night walks. Couples holding hands or arms around each other, cuddling to keep warm. Talking and laughing. She looked over at Castle; walking several inches apart from her, hands in his pockets, just as hers were, for warmth. She felt such a strong, sudden longing for that kind of connection with him that it brought a sting of unexpected tears to her eyes.
"You okay?" Castle asked at her sudden silence.
"What? Oh, yeah, I'm fine," she said sounding distracted. It made him wonder what she was thinking about. Was she finally going to tell him about her therapy? As anxious as he was to find out more about it, Castle forced himself not to ask. Knowing Kate, the more he pushed the more she would shut down. They walked silently for several minutes. Just when he thought she might have changed her mind about sharing, she spoke, her voice quiet in the dark.
"After I was...shot, I had to see a therapist, before they would let me come back to work."
"I'm not surprised. It's standard procedure," he commented, noting the slight hesitation before the word 'shot'.
"Yeah, I know. After I saw him a couple of times, he cleared me for work and I thought I was okay. But I wasn't. I'm not. So a few weeks ago, I started seeing him again. I talk to him about my mom. The shooting,..."
"Us," he prompted when she stopped talking.
"It's funny. He's the one who figured out you were upset with me."
Interesting, he thought to himself. I wonder what she had told him in order for him to come to that conclusion?
As if he had asked the question out loud, she said, "I told him. About you calling me to come over, and me running away. He asked me how that was going to 'affect our relationship'. I told him it wouldn't. That you'd understand. Like you always did. Of course I was wrong."
There was a mix of confusion and sadness in her voice. The way she said it made him almost feel guilty for being mad at her. Like he had somehow let her down.
"Maybe I over-reacted," he said. "I was so stressed out about this thing with my dad, and-"
"No," she said firmly. "No, you didn't over-react. I told you before that you were right. I let my own hangups get in the way of helping you, and that wasn't fair."
He frowned in the dark. She had told him, more than once, that he was right and she shouldn't have taken off. Although he appreciated that, he was still confused as to why she left in the first place. "I still don't get it. It doesn't make sense to me why you left when you did. There was no reason to run."
She didn't hear any of the earlier anger or frustration in his voice, just the genuine need to know. He deserved a better answer than the one she had given him. She wished she had one. The expectation to explain her feelings to him brought back the sense of anxiety that always came with these types of discussions, especially with him. She reacted to that familiar feeling the way she usually did, by ending the conversation.
Crossing her arms in front of her and rubbing them briskly, she said, "It's getting chilly. I think we should head back." Without waiting for a response, she turned and started to walk back, towards the restaurant. He grabbed her upper arm and forced her to turn around.
"Dammit, Kate. Don't do this. Talk to me. Help me understand. Give me a reason to stay in this!" They were almost under a street light, and there was just enough light for her to make out his features. She saw determination. Maybe a trace of anger. But mostly desperation.
"I don't know," she responded, her tone reflecting the same desperation she saw on his face. She repeated what she had told him before, about not knowing how to help him, but she knew that there was more to it than that. What exactly it was, she honestly didn't know, although she had that 'tip of your tongue' feeling where it's just out of reach. "I don't know what it is. I can't explain it."
Castle shook his head and then, as she had, turned to walk away. "Castle, wait. Please." When he stopped, she walked around him and turned so she was facing him again. "I'm not holding out, I honestly don't know. That's what being in therapy is all about."
He looked at her intently. He didn't see any sign that what she was saying wasn't true. Normally, this was the point where he always walked away, unwilling to hurt her by pushing too hard. Not this time. Maybe she really didn't know, but the fact that he was in this position again made him determined to try and get an answer.
"Come on, Kate. What was so hard about being there for me? That's what partners, friends, do for each other. It didn't have to be about anything more."
"Of course it did!" she responded loudly, throwing her hands in the air. "Everything with us is 'more'!" It was true. When it came to Castle, everything just seemed more. More exciting, more fun, more intense and more anxiety. That's what made the idea of a relationship with him so scary. What they had was more real than any other relationship she had had since her mother's murder, and she knew that she had much more to lose if it didn't work out.
Even in the dim light, he could see the uncomfortable look on her face. 'Everything with us is more?' He repeated to himself. While far from a declaration of love, that small sentence, uttered out loud, was very telling to him. It resonated in him, and summed up exactly why he had stuck around as long as he had in this non-relationship. Everything with them was more. He could only imagine how much 'more' this relationship could be if she would finally let go and trust it. He knew that it would like none other he had ever had.
She looked at him and saw that he looked stunned by what she had said. "Did I say something wrong?"
"No, of course not. It's just good to hear you say things like that."
"Come on, Castle. You don't have have to sound so surprised. I might not say it, but you know how I feel."
His look went from stunned to incredulous. "You're kidding, right?"
A small wrinkle formed between her eyes as she frowned in confusion. "But we talked. On the swings. I told you that I needed to resolve things so that we could move on."
"We?" He racked his brain, but knew that he hadn't missed anything that significant. If she had said 'we' he would have remembered. "There was no 'we' Kate. Just you."
"Well, I might not have said it, but you knew what I meant."
"No. I didn't know. I hoped that's what you meant. There's a big difference. Actually, nothing about that conversation was very clear. Just how long are you willing to wait for you mother's murder to be solved? What if that doesn't happen for five years? Ten? What if it's never solved. What then?"
The questions hit Kate hard. Those were the exact same ones she had asked herself. That and another big one. What if it were solved today? Would she expect all of her hang ups to just disappear as soon as the words 'case closed' were written on the file? What if too much damage had already been done and she found herself in the same situation she was in now? Afraid to let herself love and be loved? That thought was almost too much to bear. Maybe it explained why she held so tightly to her mother's case. It was like an emotional crutch. Once it was gone, she would have nothing to hide behind and that scared her.
Castle watched the emotions play across her face in the dim light. Obviously his questions had made her think. He saw a flash of pain distort her features briefly before she was able to mask it from him. Biting her lip, she finally turned to him. She didn't have to say a word. He had seen that look many times before. As far as she was concerned, this conversation was over. Shaking his head in defeat, he started walking back. This time she didn't stop him.
As they walked, he didn't say a single word. She knew that once again she had managed to disappoint him and it didn't feel good. It did, however, make her feel determined to get herself together and decide what she wanted. She had taken Castle for granted, assuming that he would be there no matter what, but now she was very aware that her assumption was wrong. She wouldn't make that mistake again.