Sam

The thing about daydreaming is once your in that place… it's impossible to come back, it's like sinking into a pit full of thick black tar. My day dream place was exactly where I wanted to be. In death.

In death there isn't any pain. Their isn't any fear, or panic. All there is, is the soft, warm black. There is no more suffering. No sorrow. No manipulating illusions. Just sweet fantasizes and delusions, in death. And all you have to trade, for this wonderful world of peace is one thing, a thing that means nothing to someone like me. Life.

Death isn't something for everyone. Some people have reasons to stay alive. People they love. Places their attached to. Memories they can't bear to lose.

I have none of these. I have nothing precious enough to keep me here.

I have nothing left of value that hasn't been taken from me.

This is a blessing and a torture, because that means I have absolutely nothing left to lose.

Except him…

A small voice in the back of my mind whispered

Shut the hell up!

I yelled at the voice.

Freddie hated me. He hates me now more than he ever did before. I can see the blind fury in his eyes when he looks at me.

There's only two questions I have left, that are still go unanswered.

Why the hell would he be upset if I killed myself?

I thought out of all the people in this world, he would be the one that would be the happiest if I died.

He wants me to die.

He hates me that much.

And why shouldn't he?

To him I'm an obnoxious, selfish, evil, and wicked, bitch. I'm mean to him all the time. I call him names "Nub." "Bastard." "Chicken-legs" "Mama's boy" anything that might get a reaction out of him

I do this because in my heart of hearts, I know its better this way.

Even if I love him, even if I'd go to the ends of the universe for him… He and I… will never be like that.

He doesn't love me the way I love him. He wishes I would burn in hell.

And I'll do that for him.

I'll try to die for him.

He loves Carly. So I keep my distance. I try and I try to put as much distance between us as possible. Whenever I somehow find myself getting close to him… getting attached to him, I force myself to wreck whatever kind of trust we'd built.

Freddie and Carly are meant to be. Or at least Freddie thinks they are. And I won't ruin hopes. Because in the end I want what he wants. I want him and Carly to date, get engaged, married… He dreams of that. I dream of him smiling, and happy, with Carly.

I was not going to ever get close to him, because if I did it would just get in the way of his dreams of Carly.

My death wasn't only for me it was kind of a gift for him in a sick way too.

He would never have to know of my love. I would never be able to interfere in the slightest with his plans, his future.

I was always saw myself as a third wheel when it came to Carly and Freddie. Without me maybe Freddie's dream would come true, and he would be happy like in my heart of hearts I want him to be. Even without me there to see his smile.

With me gone their relationship might be able to finally flourish into some kind of love. That could never happen with me still in the picture. Still in their way. With me gone he could stop suffering, along with me. And I can be with my mom. Wherever she is.

I could see the girl's bathroom. It was less than three yards away now. It was amazing. I always thought my last thoughts would have been something long and dramatic. Something extraordinary. But really they were just normal thoughts. Nothing special. I took my final steps, before I entered the place of my soon to be suicide.

There would be no Freddie this time.

Sweet, dear, Freddie…

I love you.

I almost wished I could tell him that, in this eleventh hour. But that would just set his life back. It's best that he remembers the hatred… not the love. It will be easier to forget me that way.

I looked down at my feet, clad in my customary sneakers and watched as teardrops fell from my face for the last time. The strange thing was the tears weren't because I was dying. They weren't for me at all. They were for him.

And the love that we never had.

Just one more unhappily ever after… no big deal. I won't suffer for long, this time. Then the sweet angles of suicide will put me out of my misery.

But something happened that wasn't in my plans. I bumped into a fat lady as she strolled down the dark tiled hallway that led to the bathroom. I looked up at her ugly face and realized that some distant part of me recognized her.

She glanced down at me with distain.

"Samantha. I can't say it's a pleasure to see you, I can see by your unwashed hair that you haven't changed at all since I last so you, you're still just as ragged as ever." The fat lady said. She muttered under her breath:

"Filthy gutter child, just like your mother…"

"And a fine hello to you too Berhta."