"[T]hou canst not think worse of me
than I do of myself."
― Robert Burton
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Annie listened in silence as Hange finished her explanation. Mikasa wore the same poker face she did, though Sasha looked slightly more peeved and was doing no such job of hiding it. As silence fell and Hange leaned back, clearly waiting for the earful she expected from Sasha, Ilse spoke first,
"We now have a fair amount of police contacts and insiders and… "
She pinched the bridge of her nose.
"How long ago was this?"
"Months ago. After the compound."
"And… you didn't tell us because… ?"
Hange sighed.
"Would it have mattered? Erwin still is trying to hammer down a list of names that he knows we can trust, so it's not as if we have any sort of reliable means of working with them. I could have told you, but what were the chances you could have gotten sloppy or careless because you had a thought that we had the law on our side?"
"We wouldn't have… "
She shook her head.
"You don't know that, and neither do I. What you experienced this afternoon was sheer luck. We cannot rely on police of any sort until we know for sure who we can trust."
Her words seemed to have quelled Sasha's anger which had dissipated into resentment as she eyed the ground moodily. Ilse sighed and nodded.
"Alright. At least we know now."
The amount of emphasis she put on the word "now" was considerably noticeable and Hange narrowed her eyes; Annie spoke up, knowing she couldn't defuse the tension, but knowing she could at least push into something else.
"So two jobs then? Two-three split?"
Blinking, Hange looked away from Ilse and to her.
"Yes. Well, no. Yes and no. Two jobs, but it'll just be the four of you. I have other plans for Ymir."
She rolled out a map and they all leaned over, watching observantly.
"A week or so ago, we lost one of our connections towards the east when a couple of numbskulls, whom I shouldn't have trusted with the talk, "accidentally" blew his head off when an argument over stowed product broke out. They've been dealt with accordingly, but we now lack a middle-man or men to deal with that neck of the woods."
She pointed as she spoke.
"Ilse and Sasha, I'm having the two of you head out there, you'll be attending dinner with someone who possibly wants to step in and fill the role. I'll need the pair of you looking nice, talking nice, and making a nice impression."
"Who is this someone?"
Hange shrugged, looking almost excited.
"Don't know. Only that he wants to talk, test the waters. But not knowing is half the fun, isn't it?"
Ilse shifted her weight, looking mildly nervous, but Sasha on the other hand looked positively upbeat, a considerable change from her mood less than a minute ago.
"Okay, we'll sweet talk him. But, why us?"
Glancing sideways, Hange shrugged again.
"Annie and Mikasa would probably scare him off."
Sasha laughed.
"Fair enough."
"The two of you should get moving as soon as you're able. Drive's a few hours, so leave now and you'll have time to get ready and be there with time to spare."
Grinning, Sasha took Ilse by the arm and half-dragged her from the room.
"We're on it boss."
The door swung shut behind them, and they could hear her talking excitedly all the way down the hall.
"… I'm wearing the yellow, you can wear the blue, do you still have that? They'd look great together although I worry about what would happen if while… "
Hange chuckled.
"She'll always be a little girl, no matter what she goes through."
She seemed to sense the inappropriateness of her own comment and she cleared her throat. Annie turned back forward.
"You meant for them to leave before telling us our assignment."
Their boss sighed.
"Was it that obvious?"
"Fairly."
"Well, as you say. I wanted to keep this between the three of us… Sasha wouldn't care much, but she'd likely tell Ymir who also wouldn't care, but who would tell Krista. And Ilse's been indisposed to this kind of work since… well, you remember."
Mikasa's clenched fist was response enough. Annie picked up quickly on what was being put down.
"You're having us hit."
She looked almost uncomfortable which was genuinely unlike her.
"The gentleman we're holding downstairs informed me that the leak about last month's shipment numbers had gone through a farmer who's working undercover as an informant for whoever's willing to pay."
"So why don't we just pay him off?"
She shook her head.
"Whatever his price is, it'll be too much to hope that he won't spill the beans to anyone further down the line. I need this done."
After several seconds, Mikasa nodded.
"Alright. How we doing it?"
A second map was brought out, much more focused and empty looking then the one of the town Sasha and Ilse were being sent to.
"Having you guys head out same as them, as soon as you can. I just need you to be there and ready, he won't be in until tomorrow. You'll stay the night there, then head to his farm and wait for him to come back around noon. You'll be positioned… "
She tapped on what looked to be a hill overlooking the farm and the house.
"… up here. I'd rather you not have to get any closer than you need to. One of you spots, the other shoots, I'll leave that up to you. Wait for the car, take the shot and preferably, then, you're out of there and heading home."
Annie shifted her footing.
"Easy enough."
Looking more nervous still, Hange nodded, movement contrasting with the look on her face.
"One can hope. But any number of things could go wrong. Factors, variables, can change."
Mikasa rapped the table in a sign of finality.
"We'll handle it."
She left without another word. Annie remained a moment, glancing at the floor, towards where her friend had just left from. Turning back towards Hange, she saw the worry in her eyes.
"Keep an eye on her, would you?"
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
"How could I have agreed to that?"
"Agreed to what?"
"A date, a hangout… whatever that was… "
"Holy fuck, you're complaining? Did you see that girl? Woo, I'd give an arm to have her for myself for a half hour."
"Looks aren't all there are to women. To anyone."
"Relax, I'm just screwing around. What's the problem?"
"I can't go out with someone else… not when… when… "
"When what? You can't feel guilty about that. Don't forget, over there, you're dead. You certainly left her behind. Nothing to feel guilty about."
"We still… "
"You two are nothing. Not anymore. Didn't you hear her over the comms? 'JOSEPH, YOU PIECE OF SHIT, HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THAT… '"
"SHUT UP!"
"Ooh, didn't like that, huh. My bad."
"It just… it just doesn't feel right… I swore myself to her… "
"Yeah, in front of a fuckin' mirror. Grow up, would you."
"But… how can I just… "
"Easy. Meet her tomorrow, take her out, show her a good time. You'll forget… ah, well you won't forget, but you'll move on. And that's a better deal than anything."
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
Biting a curse off against the cold air that swirled around her, Ymir leaned against the tree, attempting to use it to protect herself from the wind. She had never liked winter, for a myriad of reasons, and this was one of them. She couldn't stand being cold and she wondered why Reiner hadn't ask to simply meet in a coffee shop or something similar.
Hearing a car door slam from beyond the grassy hill she stood on, she turned her head slightly, then looked back forward, sighing and crossing her arms. Truth be told, she hadn't a clue what he wanted to talk about, but it was at least slightly worrisome that he had said it needed to be in person. She listened to the grass swish around his well-built legs and felt him walk up beside her. He said nothing and she wondered if that came from him not wanting to say something or from him not knowing what to say.
"What's up Reiner. You said this was important?"
She could practically hear him swallow; this concerned her even more. Reiner was naturally afraid of very little, so his fear of speaking to her now meant something of some nature was seriously wrong.
And Ymir prayed it wasn't what she thought it was.
"Yes. It's… about Krista."
Not wanting to beat around the bush whatsoever, she steeled herself for the worst.
"You been seeing her? She with you behind my back?"
"What… ? No, I… "
She turned and fixed her most Annie-esque gaze upon him.
"Please Reiner, I hope you don't disrespect me enough to lie to my face."
"Ymir, I promise you that I have never once attempted to go behind your back since the two of you got together."
"Not once, all since junior year?"
"Never. I'd be lying if I said I didn't regret losing her to someone else, but you made her smile and laugh like no one else could. Do you remember the pep rally? The first one you went to when you were together?"
Surprised by his sudden invigoration, she played along, racking her memory as a fresh, frigid breeze rushed over both of them under the tree.
"Yes… the one where Connie almost set himself on fire with… "
"… with the sparklers and bug spray yes. The one where we were all sitting at the top of the bleachers, Jean was making moves at Mikasa, Eren was making hardly subtle threats to his face, and she was sitting there just ignoring both of them."
Ymir laughed.
"Talking to Marco about the chemistry final, hell yeah I remember that."
There was a fierce passion in his eyes that almost frightened her.
"I'm ashamed to say that I had spent the better portion of that afternoon staring angrily at you. I couldn't see what had driven her to you and away from me so quickly. But then… while Bertholdt was telling me something and I was blatantly ignoring him, you whispered something in her ear. Her face lit up like the sun and she gave the most beautiful laugh I've ever heard. Nothing like the laughs she had given when she was around me."
By this point, Ymir could only stare at him.
"She's yours Ymir, she'll always be. You are the angel she's always deserved. Even if I could never see it."
Genuinely touched by what he said, she felt a strange rush of affection for the big oaf.
"… thanks man… "
He smiled back at her, but the smile quickly faded as he clearly was reminded of the reason he had asked her here.
"Ymir… please do not interrupt me or kill me or whatever you're going to want to do until I'm done talking."
This caught her off guard and the actual worry she felt in his voice was the most disconcerting thing she had yet experienced.
"Reiner, what are you… "
"No matter what I say, please just listen. Listen to the whole of what I have to say."
It struck Ymir that she was actually scared.
"Alright… shoot… "
He took a deep shuddering breath and started talking.
"I met with Krista about this yesterday. We've known this for a while, but… I couldn't stand keeping it a secret any longer, especially from you."
You just said you didn't cheat… ?
"I promised her months ago that I wouldn't tell anyone, but… it has to come out. I pressured her very hard to break the silence, but judging by what I've seen so far, she didn't tell you."
He closed his eyes.
"It wasn't fair of me to try and force that on her. She doesn't deserve telling you all by herself. It was… Christ, it was so complicated when it happened. It still is now."
Ymir's fingers were starting to go numb and it wasn't from the temperature and wind. She broke through the silence she had promised to keep; she was too impatient, too anxious. Too terrified.
"Please, Reiner… what?"
For the briefest moment, he looked like he wasn't going to say. Then he placed one of his large forearms on the tree, leaning into it like the weight of everything was on his back.
"Your baby… it isn't from an IUI."
She couldn't believe him. The words immediately registered, but she didn't believe them. Not for a second. He saw the disbelief on her face, and strain began to spread across his.
"The child… while it will be yours and yours alone… yours and Krista's… it has a father."
She wanted to laugh in his face. Tell him he was crazy, that Krista would never have done that. To thank him for wasting her time and leaving. But as she wanted to do all these things, she looked into his eyes. And then and there, she knew he wasn't lying. Feeling almost instantly sick, she wobbled on her feet. The hissing snarl that escaped her mouth was so guttural and pained, that she didn't even recognize as her own.
"You… you said that you didn't… "
"I was telling the truth. The baby isn't mine."
"Then… who… ?"
Ymir didn't know if she wanted him to answer. Very calmly, very collectedly, he began to spin a tale. A tale that she knew was rooted in truth. She didn't know at which point she fell over and started hugging her knees. She listened to him talk of Krista visiting the doctor while Ymir was out hunting. How the tests came back negative. He spoke of her girlfriend getting despicably high and wandering the streets in depression. How she met someone who took her to the safety of a motel and how, by her own admission, she had forced herself on him, terribly drunk that he was. She listened to him pull himself into the story, how he had witnessed them on the street, walking and looking destitute. How he made his way to their room and found them intimately engaged. How she had finally seemed to snap out of her drug-induced state of ecstasy and pass out. How she had awoken the next morning to tell him all of this. How her partner had awoken to having no memory of the previous night as a result of his heavy consumption of alcohol.
Ymir listened to this all; it seemed like she was being told a strange dream, one that happened far away in a time that never existed. At least, that's what she wanted to believe.
"Ymir… ?"
She realized that he hadn't spoken now for minutes. Still sitting, arms wrapped tightly around her knees, she realized what she thought had been terribly cold winds had been her tears growing cold on her cheeks. For a moment, she thought about standing, collecting herself. This was embarrassing for her, to have Reiner see her like this. She then realized she didn't care. Her voice came out sounding as thought it was spoken from somewhere else.
"Reiner… "
"Yes, Ymir… "
"You saw all of this. Were told all of this."
"Yes."
"You've missed a part of this story… who was he?"
He straightened and looked ahead, as though the worst hadn't come yet.
"This may be the hardest part to hear… please, don't… "
She was on her feet without knowing and in his face. Spit flew from her mouth as she stared into his eyes furiously.
"Don't tell me what to do. You tell me who the fucker is right now. Then, I walk out of here, find him and force feed him his own fuckin' dick."
"Ymir… "
"Who was it, Reiner? Someone I know? You keep talking about this like you and Krista are the only two people who know. Are you hiding him?"
"No, that's not… "
"He run for it? Don't blame him. He probably wouldn't have been real thrilled with me shoving a car up his ass."
"I need you to calm… "
This was not the wisest choice of words on his part.
"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! I JUST FOUND OUT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN LYING TO ME FOR MONTHS, THAT SHE SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO KNOCKED HER UP, THAT MY BABY. IS SOMEONE. ELSE'S!"
He was growing noticeably worried, though now he started to swell with anger.
"Don't make this all about you!"
She roared with baffled laughter.
"OH NO, LET'S MAKE IT ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE, SHALL WE!? GET REAL, REINER! WHO IS HE?! WHERE IS HE?!"
Reiner looked down, looked suddenly very defeated.
"You can't hurt him anyway."
"WHY IS THAT, BIG MAN?! HE JUST A LITTLE TOO POWERFUL FOR ME TO GET MY HANDS ON?! DON'T YOU FRET, I'LL TEAR DOWN FUCKING JERICHO TO FIND HIM AND RIP HIM TO PIECES! SO WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY THAT I CAN'T HURT HIM?!"
"BECAUSE HE'S DEAD!"
The three words threw her free of her own rage and she stepped back, still seething, while she tried to catch her breath.
"You kill him?"
"No."
"Then who did?"
"He… did."
"WHO did?!"
Their eyes met and she saw a tremendous wave of pain roll across his, and then she knew. At once, the world spun away, dizzyingly and terrifyingly. Ymir wished for a multitude of things; she wished Reiner would disappear and she would wake up in bed, she wished for Krista, to tell her it wasn't true, she wished…
Joe, you… how… how could you do this… how could you BOTH do this…
The fight rushed in and out of her like air, one moment she wanted to kill anyone and everyone, the next she wanted to collapse and cry. In her peripheral, she watched Reiner step cautiously forward.
"Ymir… I'm so sorry… "
"I… trusted him… I trusted THEM… "
"Ymir, please try and think of everything that happened. She was feeling of failure and depression, she got herself high to put it aside. He was so drunk he couldn't raise his arms, let alone remember anything the next day. And Krista… in the midst of all of that insanity, she just wanted to make you happy."
The laugh she let out was not her own.
"The fuck does that mean."
"She wanted a child, for her, for you. And in the state the drugs had her, she saw a way to do so. And she tried to stop. But now, there's no going back. They both messed up, but now, she needs you more than ever. This has been torturing her for so long, she couldn't bear to think of what would have happened if you found out… but you needed to know. You deserved to know."
She had no response. All she could do was see the very dim bright side that he was trying to show her and snatch at it like a firefly.
"I… I did everything I could to protect her. To make her happy. Then she goes and… "
Roaring, she smashed her fist into the tree, over and over.
"THIS IS MY FAULT! I COULDN'T GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTED! I COULDN'T! SHE NEEDED HIM! SHE CHOSE HIM!"
Blood and splinters of wood sprayed as her knuckles split at the punishment; without hesitation, Reiner wrapped his arms around her and pulled her away. Despite her rage, he was still as strong as a truck and held her from damaging herself further. Ymir cursed him, raged against him, demanded he stop lying, screamed for what must've been minutes until finally her voice gave out and she fell against him, shaking like a child.
"Reiner… why…? Just… why… ?"
"I can't answer that, Ymir. You know I can't."
"Why did you tell me this? Why couldn't you just leave this be?"
He seemed to fall into thought for a time.
"The darkest truth is better than the sweetest lie."
She laughed again, a wet and hollow sound.
"Says who?"
Reaching down, he took her chin and lifted her to meet his gaze. She had no strength to resist and was surprised by how gentle he was.
"I can't pretend to know how you feel right now. I won't try either. But talk to her. Don't shout, don't fight, don't let this situation hurt her anymore. You have no idea how much it already has."
"Why should I?"
"Why should you what?"
"Forgive her. She pulls something like this and I'm supposed to just… "
"I didn't say forgive her."
She looked at him, surprised yet again.
"What?"
"If there is one thing in this world that I can hope for it is that you two will make it through this, that forgiveness can exist. But I know that may be terribly difficult, perhaps even impossible. But please… just try. Don't try for her, not for the baby. For you."
The only movement she could do was shake her head.
"Why me?"
"Because I've seen Krista suffer enough. And I've seen you suffer enough. There is a lot of hate inside you, Ymir. I can sense it. But… don't let it become what you are. You're a better person than that."
Unbelievably, he smiled.
"And you deserve better than that."
She stared back at him in disbelief for almost a minute before breaking down into despair, letting him hold her as she cursed the universe. Not for hurting her like it had, not for what it had done, but for her own faults. The faults that, no matter how much she wanted it, couldn't allow her to let forgiveness into her heart. The faults that made her who she was.
Because, right then, the only feeling that she could hold onto, was hate.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
The sun had long since dipped beneath the horizon, and the stars were slowly beginning to blink their way into visibility as the directions indicated they were only twenty or so minutes out. Mikasa glanced at the glowing lights of the dash, pleased that the estimate on time was so far leading them true. She was thankful for how accustomed she had become to being patient, as the only thing visible ahead was the fifteen foot stretch of road that the headlights lit dimly.
Next to her Annie was leaning back, head against the rest; she could have been deep in thought or trying to drift off to sleep, only she could ever know. The ride thus far had been quiet, but not awkwardly so. Neither of them had ever been particularly large fans of small talk and with little to talk about as was, the hum of the engine and the gentle roar of the tires against the road had been the only sources of noise for what had now been hours.
Finally, next to her, Annie very quietly cleared her throat.
"When did you start smiling again?"
The question itself and the fact that she had asked a question were both equally surprising.
"Excuse me?"
"Haven't seen you smile in months. And then… you just did earlier today."
"Maybe you just haven't been looking hard enough."
"I have."
The reply was cold, almost sad. Mikasa gave a slight glance over to see that Annie hadn't stopped staring forward.
"Something on your mind?"
"Plenty. Nothing that would interest you much, I imagine."
"Try me."
There was quiet for a time before Annie spoke again, much quieter.
"I lied. It probably would interest you, but I'd be damned if you'd want to talk about it."
Mikasa repeated herself, speaking more deliberately. She had an idea of what was coming and truly didn't want to talk about it, but being open with her best friend was more important.
"Try me."
The following silence lasted even longer.
"I miss him, Mika."
She allowed her grip to go from casual to deathly tight on the steering wheel, but didn't react at all besides that.
"I… I wouldn't have expected to. We knew him for a while, six or so months, and everyone seemed to grow close to him quickly. I did too, but I never… "
Audibly, the blonde swallowed.
"I never expected to miss him like this."
There was a coppery taste as Mikasa's teeth split her lower lip.
"I miss his quirkiness, his stupid sense of humor, his enthusiasm or lack thereof, and… "
She sounded like she very much didn't want to say what she was about to.
"… I miss what he did for you."
While she wanted to keep driving, Mikasa didn't trust herself to as heat rushed through her body. She pulled off to the side and braked swiftly. She could feel Annie's eyes on her as she did; as soon as the car had stopped, she pulled the keys and darkness and pure silence arrived. Attempting to keep herself from breathing heavily, she spoke as leveled as she could.
"Annie… what is this."
"What is… ?"
"Don't bullshit me. You're trying to say something."
She looked over at the black silhouette of her friend.
"And you don't miss him."
Indignation, became visible in Annie's body language.
"I do. Whether you believe that or not."
Mikasa shook her head.
"There are very few people that you would miss if they left this earth, and he was not one of them."
"That's… I can't believe you think I'm that fucking heartless."
"Whatever. Just… say what it is you want to say."
"I… I don't… "
"Annie. Please."
"I just thought I could talk about this with you. You who would understand."
"If you're not going to be truthful with me, then I think its best we keep driving."
The buzz of silence swept between them for what could have been minutes and Mikasa reached a point where she gave up waiting.
If she wants to burn quietly, I can't stop her.
She reached for the ignition delicately, when the loud snap of the undoing of a seatbelt sounded next to her. Mikasa was only able to very partially turn before Annie took her cheek in her hand and kissed her. The world started rushing around her and without realizing, she returned as strongly as she was able. As their lips working against each other, she felt cold and hot pouring against her gut.
This… I can't… oh, Annie…
Mikasa grabbed her friend by the back of the head and held her tightly against her.
Why… why couldn't I just…
"This… I couldn't have cared less about, Mikasa. As long as you're happy, I don't care what happens to me."
Joe's voice echoed in her head; the memory he had spoken through thundered through her and she gasped, shoving Annie off of her. Shaking, she turned away, breathing heavily. Her friend's hand gently touched her arm, which she shook off then, violently.
"Mika, please… I'm sorry, I didn't… "
Starting up the car, Mikasa shook her hair out of her face and locked her eyes forward.
"Don't… don't shut me out like this… "
She ignored Annie and after feeling her gaze for several minutes, the blonde turned back forward, thinking who knows what deep thoughts. Not another word was said for the remainder of the drive.