Hellsing Order Q: The Trek Adventure

Chapter Ten: Confusion growing

Disclaimer: If I go insane, I'm taking the fanfiction moderators with me.

Walter walked down the halls of Hellsing manor with an injured back. On the outside he was calm but on the inside he was in a state of emotional tumult. He was angry, angry at the others for suggesting that he call an ambulance, angry that he was injured so easily. He thought back to his youth, those were the days.

Back then, Walter genuinely deserved his nickname, "The Angel of Death." In those days he had been the pinnacle of vampire slaying. They were right to have Alucard locked away; Walter would have only made him redundant.

Now though, with his injured back, Walter was more aware than ever of his advanced years. When he was fifteen years old he had taken a punch to the face from a werewolf and walked away with nothing more than a bruise. Now, he couldn't fall thirty feet without breaking or bending something.

Times like these just made Walter want to take his anger out on something capable of feeling pain. As he made his way around the corner Walter saw something that made his blood pressure rise. Somebody had taken spray paint on one of the mahogany painted walls and scrawled the message, "Beware the Sleestak." Right next to that was a large neon sign which said, "Eat at Joe's."

At the opposite end of the hall Walter saw several creatures hauling away the dead bodies of Hellsing soldiers. The creatures in question were a group of reptilian humanoids with large insect like eyes and a small horn atop each of their heads.

Walter didn't care if these were the so called Sleestak mentioned by the sign, nor did it matter to him that they had apparently killed some of the Hellsing soldiers. Walter didn't really care for those who were already dead, because when you were dead you were just rubbish. Actually, all that Walter cared about was that he would be able to take his anger out on these creatures.

Silently, Walter whipped out the monofilament wires that were his trademark weapon. Walter controlled the wires in the same way that the spider controls his web, flawlessly. The monomolecular wires waved through the air, catching flashes of light here and there. Walter made to strike . . . when suddenly his back sent out the worst pang of pain yet and Walter fell over. Maybe he should call that ambulance.

Transylvania, unknown time, unknown location

The man who was nicknamed Dracula stood before all the humans in the clearing. He ignored his enemies however and focused on his hand which had turned into a slashing claw. He longed to lick the blood clean from his fingers and it was no mystery why.

The humans had now snapped out of their shock and were advancing on him with crosses and crossbows loaded with bolts which had blessed silver tips. Vampire or not, these men were his enemies. And Vlad the Impaler knew how to deal with his enemies.

Dracula screamed loudly into the night sky, his warbling inhuman cry shook the earth and caused all the beasts of the forest to flee. The sheer force of his rage and fear caused fires to spring up every which place. The priests and their soldiers tried to avoid the blue devils fire which latched onto their clothing and burned their crosses to cinders. But they could not avoid Dracula.

Screaming once more, Dracula flung himself at his enemies like an animal cornered. His hands now formed slashing claws, his fingers like steak knives. As he hacked apart the priests, Dracula became aware of the smell and the color of blood. It called to him like a drug calls to an addict. The blood's powerful pull only made Dracula scream harder. He would no longer be the maker of his own destiny. Instead the craving for blood would be his master from now on.

Before he could drink any of the precious red fluid, Dracula took flight into the forest. He ran fast enough that he could not be seen by human eyes. Whatever stood in his way was destroyed. Animals were eviscerated and trees uprooted like they were daisies. Dracula smashed boulders into gravel or flung them afar as if they had no more weight but that of oranges.

Dracula screamed once more, bloody tears fell from his eyes. He had been snatched from Death's cold grasp and placed on this earth as a demon. Dracula was now totally alone in the world. Who would swear allegiance to him now that all who might swear allegiance would know of his cursed state? He was without allies in a world full of enemies, no more legions of loyal followers; he was now at the very bottom of the societal ladder. Perhaps deservedly so.

In a single instant, Dracula's world had been turned upside down. With a flourish, Dracula renewed his pace, running faster than the race cars of the twentieth century. He continued to race until he was stopped by a fast flowing river.

Try as he may, Dracula could not cross the moving water. He cursed himself for his lack of memory. As a human he'd known everything there was to know about vampires. Now that he was one, it wouldn't do to forget all that vampire lore.

Dracula then heard a voice that he'd hoped to never hear again, "Come friend, let us both pray."

Dracula spun around to see him. Right before him was the man who had put Dracula on trial and taken his head. The man continued to speak, "Let us pray, for forgiveness as well as compassion. Though I confess, forgiveness and compassion were never highly valued by you were they?"

There he stood, dressed in the humble robes of a monk. Dracula lunged at him, but no sooner did he lay a hand on his foe did his entire arm crumble into ash. Dracula screamed in pain and confusion at his now missing arm. Through gritted teeth he asked his opponent, "Who are you?"

"My name is Q."

Dracula hissed, "You dare to mock me, I demand that you tell me your name so that I may carve it upon your grave."

"That is my name and it holds more weight than any of the meaningless titles that you used to hold."

Dracula made to strike Q with his remaining arm but thought better of it. "You will change me back, reinstate me as a human."

Q laughed and with a snap of his fingers changed his garb. Now the omnipotent being dressed like an officer from the Impaler's army, "I will do no such thing. You will stay as you are, until you cease to exist. I give you my personal guarantee."

Dracula saw that his lost arm was starting to grow back. The new vampire attempted to reign in his emotions, "Why did you choose me? Surely there were despots elsewhere more beastly than I?"

"I could name dictators, past and future, which have racked up higher body counts than you but none who were so horrible as your fair self."

Dracula pleaded his case, "What harm have I done? I have always been a good ruler; I saw to it that my people had order and prosperity."

Q sighed, "Peace and prosperity, those words have been thrown around by strong armed tyrants such as yourself so many times that they have ceased to have any meaning. What you did was take the lives of your people and rule over them as a wolf lords over the sheep." Q saw the enraged look on Dracula's face but did not allow him to speak, "Don't act so surprised, you knew what you were doing for all the years of your rule. It's why I chose you as the worst; you knew what you were doing, more acutely than anybody else."

Before Q continued he conjured up a table and two chairs, forcing Dracula to sit. "Now oh Dark prince, I would just wish to give you a warning. I have seen your future, for I possess all the powers of the false God of the Christians and more. I see what you will do and what you will become. You will be punished during your time on this earth, I give you my word. The question is, will you learn your lesson?"

Dracula wanted to rip the insolent being to shreds but his body would not respond. "Release me devil, or I may have to give you a lesson in utter devastation."

Q shook his head, "I see that still you refuse to acknowledge that this punishment is just. Very well, here is the first bit of suffering for you to sample."

Immediately Q stood up and walked over to Dracula, who was still captive in his chair. Dracula could not even struggle, he could only glare at his tormentor and creator. Gingerly, Q placed a hand on Dracula's shoulder, the effect was almost instant.

Dracula began to feel weak, his breaths came in short gasps. He was starting to feel cold, but no amount of shivering could warm him up. Very soon the effects became visible. Dracula's skin started to become thin and papery, as though his vitality were being sucked from him. Q continued to suck the life from Dracula, smiling as he did so.

In his chair, Dracula was overcome with the greatest sense of helplessness. He couldn't think, he couldn't free himself; it was getting harder to think and to see. His vision was going dark around the edges. Even his clothes, rich and expensive, were starting to crumble.

Now his muscles were starting to shrink as his body attempted to free up a source of energy. In less than one minute, Dracula was skin and bones, his hair falling out in great clumps. Suddenly, it stopped. Dracula fell forward onto the ground utterly ruined.

Q took a moment to survey the former prince. Dracula's clothes had rotted until all that remained was a loincloth. The vampire's once luxuriant hair had fallen out, leaving behind ratty clumps. His once muscular physique was now nothing but papery skin and brittle bones.

The only vibrant feature on Dracula now were his eyes, they glowed like nothing in nature ought to. That new part of Dracula, the beast, it wanted to be fed, would not be denied.

Q grinned, "Don't worry, this is not permanent. As soon as you get some fresh blood into your system, you'll be right as rain."

There was a white flash of light and Q was gone.

Unknown Distance from Rio, Brazil

Dok couldn't help but wonder, what was going on with the Captain. As of late he'd begun to display some very disturbing attitude problems. He had gone on several random rampages, usually leaving those around him much less happy than when they started out.

Schrodinger had come to Dok crying, claiming that the Captain had crushed his fingers and hit him with a lamp post. Now everybody at Millennium's secret base was keeping their distance from the Captain.

Since returning from the shopping trip, the Captain had been behaving normally but Dok didn't know how long this was going to last. If he had to guess, that man who gave the Major a chicken brain was responsible for this.

Dok sorted through the groceries that the Captain had bought. He wondered why the Captain had bought playing cards for Tubalcain when the South American card shark was dead. Why had he bought bulbs of garlic that stung the noses of the troops, forcing Dok to throw them out?

Dok shook his head; he was going through so much trouble. The Major was up in his quarters with a bowl of corn, even with a chicken's brain, he still had a large appetite.

Suddenly the television monitor behind him crackled to life. Dok spun around to view a screen full of static. Suddenly an image appeared on the television that made Dok wonder just how much more weird things were going to get.

On the screen was a bizarre looking figure sitting on top of a plastic cow, dressed like a cowboy. The figure on the cow cackled wildly as he swung around a lasso in an inexperienced manner. "Is your homosexual partner acting like a chicken? Is your pet werewolf goin apeshit? Do you want things to return to normal? Then come on down and see me folks."

Dok's lip curled in disgust at the strange man on the plastic cow, even with the bad reception, he looked positively filthy.

The strange man continued with his commercial, "Well I just happen to be the world's leading expert on the solving of paranormal problems. I'll set your wolf strait, I'll make the Major lop off twenty pounds and hell, I'll even neuter Schrodinger's cat!"

Dok was taken slightly aback, sure it would be nice if the Major lost some weight, but did he really want Schrodinger neutered?

"So come on down and bring the boys with you. We've got plenty of snakes and lizards and whores to keep your army of Nazi vampires happy. And for a limited time only, I will throw in a free demonic possession. Can you beat that? And for en even more limited time only, I'll go down on London Town, for FREE!"

The weird cowboy man seemed to be wrapping up his advertisement, "So ladies and gents just say my name three times and I'll come a knocking at your door and set everything straight." As he said this a word flashed across the screen three times.

"Betelgeuse?" Dok wondered.

Suddenly Schrodinger appeared in the room, "Dok ve haff a problem."

"Vhat ist it now?"

"The Captain, he ambushed Zorin Blitz vith a chain in the shower and now he's vrestling her naked in the shower. She's screaming for help."

Dok wondered if maybe he should say that strange man's name.

Planet Sera, alternate universe, current time

"I'm just saying that since we're all taking a break from fighting those big grey guys."

"Locusts."

"Sorry Locusts, I'm just saying that we should get to know each other. Learn one another's names." Seras explained herself to her new companions. When nobody introduced themselves she started off, "Well, I'm Seras Victoria and this is Integra Hellsing."

The group looked at Integra who said, "GEARS . . . COGS . . . CLOCKS . . . MONKEY BALLS . . . FURR."

Seras explained to the group, "Normally she's very smart. How about you?"

The green UNSC cyborg was blunt and to the point, "I'm Spartan 117, rank Master Chief Petty officer."

Seras smiled, "Alright, how about you?"

"Augustus Cole, also known as the Cole Train."

Seras shook Cole's large hand, "It's a pleasure to meet you Cole. How about you with the goggles?"

"I'm Baird and lady, there's no way in hell that you're getting my fucking blood." The blond was as surly as he looked.

Suddenly the grisly man in the bandanna smacked Baird, "Shut up Baird. I'm Marcus Fenix, this is Dom Santiago; I did ten years in prison for deserting my post."

Seras was a little taken aback by Marcus's statement about prison time, "Um, that's nice Marcus."

Marcus then looked to the guy that had fallen out of the sky, "While we're at it, why don't you explain to us what the hell happened out there. You fall out of the sky and suddenly the Locusts we just killed come back to life, uglier and meaner than before. Who are you?"

The strange with a large chin smiled like a hero from a nineteen twenties pulp comic, "Well GI Joe, I'll break it down real easy for you. Name's Ash, house wares. I'm just a handsome devil who's seen more than his fair share of ugly. Those things you saw were deadites, solid bodies possessed by a spirit from beyond hell. These guys are the mother of all pain in the asses. But if you want to know how it really started then take a seat, I'm going to tell you army goons how I went to hell and back . . . and back again . . . and again . . . and again . . . and . . . again."

Thank you for reading this everybody, your reviews mean the world to me. Check out my other works in case your get bored and make sure to brush your teeth. The excellent crossover Men of War, by EZB has been updated so give that one a look see while you're at it.

Ta

Master of the Boot