*Shows back up with a new chapter after being MIA for over two months* Hey hey so I AM alive. I bet y'all were starting to wonder. And I bring with me a new and kinda depressing chapter! You're so very welcome!

Chapter 10: Anxiety

The applause doesn't fade as the orchestra begins to file off the stage, Eren, the concertmaster, and the conductor, the last ones to leave. As I make my way from the hall, I think about hurrying out of the building and leaving before Eren can find me. But he already knows I'm here. He already knows that I came to watch him. So what would be the point of quickly and quietly slipping away? I hover by the door, trying to quickly make a decision, but a call from down the hall makes my decision for me.

"Levi wait!"

I turn to see Eren weaving between the crowds of people towards me. There's a big smile on his face and it's almost contagious.

"You did really well," I tell him as he reaches me.

"Thanks! But… what are you doing here?" he asks. "I didn't expect you to come watch the recital."

"Yeah, I wasn't planning on it, it was a last minute decision," I tell him. "I decided that I spent too much time helping you with your piece that I had to come watch you perform it."

His smile grows softer. "Thanks Levi. You're great, you know that?"

A denial immediately pops into mind, but I bite my tongue. He's in such a happy mood, I don't want to kill it with my negativity, even though I know it to be true. He looks around, then gestures with his chin towards the doors.

"Why don't we go outside?" He pulls the collar of his tux and bowtie loose. "It's really loud and stuffy in here."

I nod and follow him out the front doors. It's much quieter out here, and I instinctively reach for my pack of cigarettes in my pocket. I hesitate though in lifting one of the sticks to my mouth. With a glance up at Eren, I mutter an apology as I move to put the cigarette away.

"Oh, it's okay, I don't mind," Eren reassures me quickly.

"Are you sure?" I ask warily.

He nods with his usual smile and I lift the cigarette back up to my lips, quickly lighting it. After a long inhale, I pull the stick from between my lips and blow the smoke away from Eren.

"That was quite the performance," I tell him. "You didn't miss a single beat."

One corner of his lips pulls up, causing the corner of his eye to crinkle and sends my heart racing. It's ridiculous how easily Eren is able to wreck havoc on me like that.

"Thanks," he says, his voice thick with sincerity. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"I'm sure you would've managed," I insist, taking another drag.

"I don't know…" Eren responds with a soft laugh. He hesitates for a moment, obviously thinking about something, then looks back up at me. "So a lot of us are going out to a concert tomorrow night. The Dauper Philharmonic Orchestra? It's in the next city over, so it'll be a late night driving back, but if you want to come, you could join us. It'd be fun!"

A thousand things flash through my mind. A thousand images that I've seen a thousand times. And images that I don't want to see anymore, now or ever. But there they are. A bunch of students packed into a car. Excited chatter about the concert they would never make it to. Crunching metal, screams, blood, sirens, death. But these images are shifting, changing. It's no longer the faces of my friends I see, but Eren's face, Eren and the students from the orchestra. The little blond cellist, the black-haired flutist, the two-toned drummer. It's Eren and all his friends I see. And it terrifies me more than the decade old images that have haunted me.

Eren is watching me, a slightly concerned look in his eyes, and I become aware of the look that must be on my face. I fight as hard as I can to clear those images from my mind, to pull a stoic mask over my shock, to try and hide my anxiety. But it's not easy.

"You don't have to come if you don't want to," Eren says with a shrug. "I was just offering."

I nod. There's not much else I can do right now. What I really need to do is get away from Eren before my panic attack completely consumes me. I don't want Eren to witness it. He can't witness something like that. "I'll think about it," I tell him, starting to turn away from the concert hall. "I should get back to the hall. You have class right?"

"Yeah, I guess I should go change and get ready for class," Eren says. His smile returns and he waves at me as he steps backwards towards the concert hall. "I'll see you this afternoon at rehearsal!"

I nod and hurry away from Eren and the hall, heading quickly for the front of the school as I call for a cab. I can still feel the fear, the anxiety, the panic in the back of my mind. Even after I've climbed into a cab, even after I'm dropped off at the concert hall, even after I draw another thick crimson line across my arm, even after I've immersed myself in the music of my violin for hours, I can still feel the lingering tendrils of anxiety wrapped around my entire being.

At least the actual rehearsal serves as a decent distraction. With our first concert coming up on Saturday, the pressure is on to solidify these pieces. We spend a longer time than usual in orchestra rehearsal with Erwin, which is grueling, and then he sends us off into our groups with specific flaws to fix and perfect. As section leader, all of that pressure is on me to get my group of first violins completely comfortable with the pieces. Normally, that would annoy the ever living fuck out of me, but right now, I'm grateful for the distraction.

The images don't entirely leave though. They still haunt me, plucking at the threads of my conscious mind, stirring into vivid detail at the slightest of provocations. Especially when practice comes to an end and I pass the bald trumpeter and the two-toned percussionist excitedly talking about their trip to the next city tomorrow night on my way to a practice room. The images flash behind my eyes, images so familiar, yet entirely new. Instead of Isabel's bloody face swimming in my mind, it's Eren's, and his friends' faces. And despite the change, it's equally as horrifying.

Eren waltzes into my practice room after dinner with his friends, his bright smile plastered to his face. I try desperately to focus on his smile, the glow in his eyes, the way his whole being naturally exudes happiness. I desperately cling to the sight in front of me, rather than the visions of blood and pain and death in the back of my mind.

"We practiced really hard the last couple of days for your recital, so if you want to take the night off from our lessons, you can," I find myself telling him, despite that his presence here is doing wonders to ease me out of the last cloying tendrils of my anxiety.

"No way!" he snorts, taking a seat and pulling his violin case into his lap. "We have a concert coming up. I need all the extra practice I can get." His tone is joking, teasing, and he laughs at himself. The very sound of that laugh works its way beneath my skin and warms me all the way to the core. I don't think I'll ever tire of hearing that sound bubbling from those lips. "Besides," he suddenly adds with a fond smile, "I'd never pass up the opportunity to hang out with you. Even if it is just during a lesson."

How does he always know what to say? How does he always find the right thing to say to pull me out of my self-depreciation. Sometimes all it takes are a few words from him and I get this feeling deep within me, that maybe this last decade of agony and misery and self-hatred isn't a precursor for what the rest of my life will be like. Maybe this isn't all there is for my future. Maybe I can have something more. Maybe I can finally allow myself some attachment, some friends… maybe even something more than that.

Eren makes me feel worth something. He makes me feel like I have something to offer others. Maybe I'm not a useless pile of shit. Maybe there are some people out there that care about me. Maybe even Eren cares about me. It's that feeling, that thought, that has a small smile threatening to pull at my lips.

"Alright. If you say so."

…

It doesn't matter how much Eren had managed to brighten my mood last night. It doesn't matter how much his mere smile was able to ease away my anxiety. Because the next day, as rehearsal starts to draw to an end, that anxiety comes back full force. Eren and his friends are about to pile into a car and drive to the next city to go to a concert. It's too familiar a story, and unfortunately, I know how it ends.

I slip twice during the full orchestra rehearsal at the end of practice. Twice. For anyone else, two slips might be considered a good rehearsal, but for me, it's unacceptable. I don't slip. But my mind is racing, focused not on the music, but on Eren's impending trip. I can't help it. The idea of it brings back too many memories, and those memories bring with them a flood of anxiety.

Rehearsal draws to an end, and I quickly pack up my instrument and head down the hall towards a practice room before I can hear any of Eren's friends talking excitedly of their trip. I already heard enough before rehearsal started, when Armin had come over to Eren's section to talk to him about it. He had been joined by the flutist, Mikasa, and also Connie and Sasha. They were talking loudly and enthusiastically about this stupid outing, and it was all I could do to lose myself in practicing the sheet on my stand.

When I get to my practice room, I quickly go about my pre-practice ritual. Lately I've been able to cut back on how many times a day I needed to do it, but today, my anxiety is too far through the roof to even attempt trying to play without aggravating the bloody wound on my arm. I'm just picking up my violin to start playing when there's a knock on my door. I hesitantly lower the violin before calling for them to come in. I know who it is, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to talk with him right now without completely breaking down.

Eren opens the door and steps in. Thankfully, he doesn't remain in the doorway. He takes a few steps inside and the door swings closed behind him. I don't want all the people moving through the hallways on their way to a practice room or on their way home to overhear this. Whatever this may be.

"Uhm, you probably already assumed this, but I can't stay for our lesson tonight," he tells me.

I nod, not trusting my voice. Instead I pick up my violin and pluck at the strings to tune them, despite them still being perfectly in tune from when I tuned them just a minute ago.

"We still have room in Reiner's van, if you want to come," Eren quickly continues. There's a hopeful lilt to his tone, and I try not to let it work its way into my mind and mess with my anxiety even more.

When I don't say anything, Eren's small smile starts to falter, and he nods in understanding at my unspoken refusal. He looks around, rubbing at the back of his neck, as if trying to find something, anything else to talk about. Upon thinking of nothing, he nods again, then turns towards the door.

"Well, I guess I'll see you to-"

"Don't promise me that!"

The room is alarmingly silent for a long moment. Shit. Did that really just come out of my mouth? I hardly recognize it as my own voice. It was too whiny, too needy and broken. I don't sound like that. Do I? But now that I've opened my stupid mouth, now that I've let all that difficultly suppressed anxiety bubble to the surface, I can't stop it. I can't force it back down.

"Don't make promises you can't keep!" I continue. What the fuck is happening? This isn't like me. Why can't I stop this? "I don't want you to go. Just… please don't go."

Eren is staring at me in shock and confusion, one hand still gripping the door handle. He lets his hand fall from the handle as he turns to fully face me, his eyes glowing with concern. Shit, that's not what I want. I don't want him to be worried about me. If he's worried, then he might start wondering. If he starts prying, then who knows how much longer I'll be able to hide everything.

"Levi, I-"

"I'm sorry," I interrupt, a mumbled apology under my breath. It's as if his voice has snapped me out of whatever anxiety-induced daze I had been stuck in. Maybe it is his voice coupled with that worried look he's giving me. I don't want his concern or his pity. It's pathetic. And I don't deserve it. I need to get out of here. I need to leave before I completely fucking lose it. I need to…. "I'm sorry."

I'm pushing past him and out the door of the practice room, ignoring his calls for me to wait. At least he doesn't follow me. He lets me go as I hurry down the hall and into the bathroom. I ignore the couple of people at the sink as I push into the last stall. Locking the door behind me, I sit heavily on the toilet seat and shove my hand into my mouth, biting down hard on the fleshy meat of my thumb to keep from screaming. Or crying. Or having a complete mental breakdown.

It's only a minute or two before those two men leave the restroom, and I'm finally alone. I release the bite on my hand, ignoring the blood that drips down my fingers and onto the floor. I can taste it in my mouth, but it does nothing to distract my self-destructing mind.

I can't believe I lost myself like that in front of Eren. I can't believe I let him see me as the pathetic mess I truly am. Why couldn't I keep a lid on my anxiety-riddled self for just a minute longer? He had been about to leave. I was almost free to freak out as much as I wanted to in private, with Eren being none the wiser. But now he knows just how much of a repulsive mess I really am. He doesn't have to wonder anymore, doesn't have to guess. I served him the answers on a silver fucking platter.

The door opens and I hold my breath. The footsteps are slow, hesitant, and I get a sinking feeling as to who they might belong to. And my fears are confirmed when he clears his throat and calls out to me.

"Levi?" His voice is soft, as if he's trying to call out to a hurt, scared animal. But honestly, is that not what he is doing? "I… I'm not sure what's wrong, but I just want you to know that… well, I know we don't know each other very well, but you can talk to me about anything, okay?"

He's right outside my stall now. I can see the toes of his shoes beneath the door. I try to ignore his soft voice, the words he's trying to tell me. I can't hear that right now. Not when I'm like this. I'm gripping my last thread of self-control with everything I have, and I can feel it about to snap. He needs to leave before I open that door and do something really stupid, like give in to his offer.

"Uhm, you're not alone, okay Levi? I just… want you to know that… I guess."

There's a civil war raging between my mind and my body as I fight to keep from standing and throwing the stall door open. I want to go to him, to embrace him, to let him hold me while I spill every last dark secret I've kept locked away from the entire world for so long. But my mind fights back. I can't let him see that side of me. The small glimpse I already gave him is way too much. No one would be able to handle all of the secrets I'm hiding. I'm too much of a burden. I'd scare him away, no matter how honest and sincere his intentions are.

"I'm going now," he says after a moment of silence. "I'll leave you alone now. And I know you don't want me to promise this, but I will see you tomorrow, Levi. And the day after that, and the day after that too. Okay? I mean it, Levi, you're not alone."

Go to him. Leave me alone. Go to him. Leave me alone. Go to him! LEAVE ME ALONE. Back and forth, back and forth. I feel like I'm about to rip in half. That mental breakdown I had managed to mostly suppress is working its way back up to the surface. I want to go to him. But I also want him to leave me the fuck alone.

I see his shoes retreat from my limited field of view, then his footsteps head towards the door. And as the door opens, and swings back shut behind him, my mind wins over my body, and I remain rooted to the spot, my mouth shut, as I let him walk away.

Okay so any of you that follow me on tumblr or AO3 know that I HAVE been posting recently, just not for this fic. I've been pretty active in the haikyuu fandom, as that's where all my motivation has run off to. I'm kinda tired of waiting for season 2 of SNK and have sort of moved on. But not to fear! I have absolutely no intention of abandoning this fic. And in all honestly, I will most likely be back full force in the ereri fandom as soon as season 2 of the anime starts releasing. But until then, I will try not to ((no promises)) leave two months between updates again. We'll see how that goes though.