AN: A big thanks to all of those who are reviewing! It's so awesome! This story is winding down to it's close so I hope you guys continue to enjoy! I think this chapter might be a little cheesy but...that's good, right? Maybe? Anyway, keep up those awesome reviews, let me know what you think! And on a completely unrelated note: anyone happen to see The Happening this weekend? It was fantastic! I might be the only one who thought so, but I found it to be a really great movie and I think everyone should see it. So...that's my plug of the chapter...anyway...enjoy!
Set the Fire to the Third Bar
Once more, Brennan found herself jarred awake by nightmarish images that refused to leave her mind even after her eyes had flown open. Breathing heavily, she quickly switched on her lamp but the light flooding every corner of her room did little to make her feel better or banish the thoughts that had woken her in the first place. She'd thought that the nightmares about Booth's death had gone when she'd finally gotten up the guts to ask Booth on a date and admit to her feelings but it seemed that was no longer the case. However, Brennan found that her mind was no longer plagued with the images of Booth being shot in the Checker Box or her facing a lifeless Booth on an operating table; in fact, Pam Nunan no longer made an appearance in her dreams at all. Instead, she found herself living through some sort of mental torture chamber, a slideshow of images and events that had never actually taken place but all featured Booth meeting his end before her eyes at the hands of some unknown evil doer. All because of their line of work. All because of her.
Brennan didn't realize that she was shaking until she went into her bathroom and turned on the faucet. She splashed her face with cold water and sighed heavily, looking at her reflection in the mirror. Staring back at her was a woman she almost didn't recognize, one she hadn't seen for years, not since she was a teenager suffering nightmares dealing with her parents' disappearance and her time in various foster homes. She felt almost like that teenager again, scared and uncertain, not knowing who would be there from one day to the other, the extremes of her greatest fears irrepressible in sleep.
Leaving the bathroom, Brennan returned to her bed but she didn't bother to switch off the light or try and fall back asleep. She locked at the clock to find that it was a little before five in the morning and she felt tempted to call Booth but resisted. She wouldn't be able to explain an early morning call again. With little other distraction, she found herself thinking about her nightmare, the images and the fear of being without Booth. There was no denying the fact that what they did was dangerous, that being an FBI agent earned Booth very few friends and being able to solve murders when the killers had little interest being brought to justice made her a target for mafia men, drug cartels and countless others who would have preferred their crimes to go unsolved. And even if some drug kingpin or Italian don wasn't taking shots at them, there were always the dangers of the other people they came into contact with, Pam Nunan being a perfect example. And as much as Brennan wanted to assure herself that everything was going to be all right between her and Booth, that she had finally found something and someone that would make her happy, that she could start to put her childish superstitions behind her, she knew that wasn't the case. Every day Booth left the house to go to work he put himself in the line of fire; that was only doubled when he was around her, seeing as she was a bit of a magnet for dangerous situations herself.
Even if there was no Pam Nunan, there would always be something. Someone that might step in at any moment and tear her life apart the way it had been destroyed the day her parents left, the night Booth had been killed and she'd get no second chance, no way to repair herself again. As she stared at nothing in her empty apartment, Brennan suddenly had the sinking feeling that she had been doing the right thing all along, that keeping herself separated from everyone, making sure that no one was in the position to hurt her again was the right idea. Booth all ready had more of a claim over her heart than she'd like, was all ready in the position to bring her world to an end, why did she need to make it worse by admitting that they were something more than partners and friends? Why open up her heart to him as well? Because certain things were inevitable and Brennan knew from experience that one of those inevitabilities happened to be the fact that people left. Ultimately, everyone would leave her, of that she was certain.
But Booth was…Booth. Brennan had always had faith that if anyone was to stick around in her life, it would be him. Yet, she also knew from experience that Booth didn't always have a choice in the way things played out. And there was no telling how long his interest in her would last; humans, by nature, are fickle and often grow tired of the same people and situations before too long. Why argue with inevitability? Why make it easier for Booth to hurt her when he did leave?
Brennan pulled her comforter higher up around her, the way she had often done as a child and tried to block out such thoughts, such ideas. But try as she might, she couldn't avoid certain things, certain images. She'd done what she'd wanted to do: she'd gotten rid of her regrets and told Booth how she felt and now she couldn't say that she didn't know what it was like to be with Booth, to have him kiss her and hold her and look at her like she was something more than she thought she was. And now, maybe it was time to go back to the way things were, with them as partners, sometimes friends and nothing more. It might hurt now but in the long run, things would hurt a lot less.
Coming up with a plan of action and resolving any personal or professional issues often left Brennan with a feeling of calm and inner serenity. Not this time. She only felt worse. She didn't realize that she was crying until she went to lay back down and her cheeks were damp against the fabric of her pillow.
In the morning, Brennan was, once again, at the Jeffersonian before anyone else she worked closely with. Unfortunately with the lag in any information from Cora's case, there was very little for her to occupy her mind with. She organized all the files she'd been dumping in unorganized piles for months, answered e-mails and requests from colleagues and other agencies requesting her professional input and even entertained the idea of going to Canada to help the law enforcement officials there deal with bones found in a pizza parlor. However, she had the feeling that fleeing to Canada to avoid Booth wasn't a smart or rational idea.
By the time Angela arrived, once again eager for updates on her friend's budding love life, Brennan considered herself to be the most organized person in the office. Without preamble, Angela entered the office, all ready smiling. "So, Sweetie, date last night at Booth's place: how'd it go? What'd he cook?" She raised an eyebrow, looking at Brennan expectantly.
"Nothing. Turns out he can't cook after all." Brennan replied, dead-pan and disinterested. She had the feeling that rehashing last night's evening with Booth, which had been one of the happiest nights in her recent memory was hardly the best way to start the day in which she planned on telling Booth that they should go back to just being partners.
Regarding her friend closely, Angela pursed her lips. "So…what're your plans for tonight?"
You don't want to know. "Nothing." Brennan kept her attention focused on her computer screen, where she was sorting her e-mail into folders and preparing a reply to the Canadian law officials.
"Okay, Sweetie, what's wrong?" Angela questioned, crossing her arms over her chest as she gave her friend a pointed stare. She could tell that Brennan wasn't just ignoring her because she was so intent on her work; her cagey attitude had everything to do with the fact that there was something she'd rather keep to herself. Brennan looked up and gave her a blank stare. "Did something happen with you and Booth last night? Yesterday you couldn't stop smiling. And now it's like…you're back to your old self."
Brow knitting, Brennan frowned. "Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"
Holding up a hand, Angela clarified, "Not that I don't love the old you. The old you is my best friend. But I also really like the new you. The happy and smiling you. The you that wasn't afraid to be happy. What happened to her?" She raised an eyebrow.
Shrugging, Brennan leaned back in her chair. "Nothing. I have no idea what you're talking about." Angela didn't look like she bought it for a second. "I just…I don't think Booth and I will work out, that's all." She tried to sound causal about the whole situation.
Angela's eyes grew wide and she looked like she'd just been broken up with herself. "What?! Why not?" Brennan didn't reply. "How could you not want Booth? He's in love with you, Sweetie. Like crazy in love with you." This was not the sort of thing Brennan wanted to hear at the moment, whether it was true or not. "Why the second thoughts now, Brennan?" Her eyes were begging her friend to confide in her, mostly so she could talk Brennan out of whatever she was thinking.
But Brennan had no answer for her, at least no good one. "We're partners, Angela, dating would only complicate things. We're like…" What was it Booth always said? "Mulder and Scully."
Smirking, Angela pointed out, "Mulder and Scully ended up dating. I think they even had a kid together."
Frowning, Brennan pursed her lips. "Well…not Mulder and Scully then." What did she know anyway? "The point is…I just think that it would complicate things if we tried to have a romantic relationship. What if things didn't end well?" She raised an eyebrow, as though smug in her point.
However, Angela didn't buy it for a second. "It's you and it's Booth. Things are going to end well. If you let them."
Sighing, Brennan got to her feet. "I disagree." She passed Angela without another word as she hurried from her office, no longer interested in their conversation.
Knowing that trying to talk to Brennan now would be like trying to talk to a brick wall, Angela followed her silently. Before they had made it more than a few feet from the office door, they were intercepted by none other than a smiling Booth, bearing coffee and a bag of doughnuts. "Whoa," he quickly stepped out of the way to avoid sloshing coffee over both women, "where's the fire?" He grinned at Brennan and Angela could tell that he only had eyes for her.
Pursing her lips, Brennan looked at the FBI agent. "Fire? No fire." She looked over at Angela, who shrugged instead of pointing out that it was just a figure of speech. She was too interested in seeing how the budding couple reacted around one another, especially with Brennan's unexplained change in view. "What are you doing here, Booth?"
Clearly, things were not going to go well. Angela felt like she might be soon be watching a train-wreck in slow motion. Booth looked slightly hurt. "I thought…I'd come by, bring breakfast, go over the stuff for the Corman case." He held up the bag of doughnuts like a peace offering. But Brennan was only staring at him with the eyes of a perfect stranger.
"There's no more information to go over, Booth." Brennan informed him frankly. "There's no reason for you to waste your day here."
Booth's brow knitted and Angela couldn't help but think he looked like a puppy who'd just been kicked by a beloved master. "But, Bones-"
Averting her gaze, Brennan stared at her feet as he walked past Booth, heading to any other part of the lab that didn't include him. She exhaled slowly, keeping her eyes down, trying to remind herself of the resolve she'd had the night before. This was better for both of them, it would make things much less complicated, easier to deal with later, easier for her. Maybe running to Canada was a good idea after all.
When she had disappeared, Booth looked over at Angela, raising an eyebrow. "What did I do?" He questioned, trying to keep his voice light and casual, though he didn't feel either of those things. He felt like he had been right all along, that his concerns about getting into a relationship with Brennan, his worries about what would happen if he put if heart on the line, only to turn into yet another failed relationship, had been dead on. Even though Brennan's actions could be explained several different ways, Booth felt like he knew what was coming, that there was a certain inevitability to the whole thing.
"It's not you, Sweetie." Angela patted his shoulder sympathetically. "You know how Brennan is…she just gets twisted around in her own logic." Booth gave a faint nod but his attention had gone to looking back down the hallway like he was waiting for her to appear once more. "She thinks she's got everything figured out and that usually gets her into trouble."
Glancing back at Angela, Booth gave another nod. "You got that right." He scoffed. "I don't know anyone who gets into trouble like she does."
Angela couldn't help but smile, though she rolled her eyes to mask the fact that she found Booth's uncharacteristic shift from his cocky alpha male attitude to be endearing. She knew that Brennan's affections towards Booth were real and deep, just like they always had been and that by the time she let herself admit it once and for all, it would be too late. "Look, here's what I think, and you can take it or leave it," Angela could tell she had Booth's full attention even if he was trying to appear aloof, "Brennan's not good with commitment, the idea of being close to anyone freaks her out. I think that she's afraid to get closer to you as a sort of defensive mechanism, like she's trying to prepare for the day you leave her. Don't let her scare you off." Booth looked at her doubtfully and Angela shrugged with a smirk. "But, what do I know, right?" She raised an eyebrow.
Booth gave her the doughnuts and coffee. "I wouldn't quit your day job." He teased good-naturedly and Angela gave another eye roll. "Bones doesn't think about things like that." Though he had the feeling Angela was dead on in her assessment.
"Okay Booth. Good luck trying to figure out what actually goes on in her head then." Angela headed off to Hodgins' office with her newly acquired breakfast.
Figuring out what went inside Temperance Brennan's head was not a task Booth felt like he would ever be up to. But he had the feeling not giving it a shot would be like giving up without a fight.
For the remainder of the day, Brennan managed to keep out of sight of anyone who happened to be looking for her. Deciding to leave Brennan to her own devices, Booth returned to his office to catch up on some of the paperwork he'd been neglecting but ended up thinking about Brennan and what Angela had said earlier that morning. Just because Brennan didn't put much stock in psychology didn't mean that she didn't operate under it. Booth was starting to think that Angela had a point after all: Brennan had been shaped into the woman she'd become later in life when her parents disappeared without a trace for fifteen years and she'd been forced into the foster system when her brother skipped out. Her entire life people hadn't made a habit of sticking around, leaving her high and dry and abandoned, whether it be her family or her lovers; the best protection was a good defense, he knew that better then anyone. But why would Brennan think he, of all people, would leave her in the end? Had he not proven to her time and again that they were together until the end, partners and maybe something more, if only things went his way. Or was she plagued by the same concerns that had kept Rebecca from getting too close to him: the worry that one day he just wouldn't come home, of no choice of his own.
Booth quickly discovered that working on his reports was a lost cause, so wrapped up in thoughts of Brennan that concentrating was impossible. But thinking about her and losing the woman he knew her to be, he one he was steadily falling in love with whether he liked it or not, was a great way to pass the time. When he eventually decided that he was going to confront Brennan with his (well, Angela's) suspicions and decide once and for all whether this relationship was something they both honestly wanted to try it was early evening and the office was slowly empting around him.
A glance out the window showed that the bright and sunny morning had given way to heavy rainfall and the occasional burst of thunder but Booth wasn't paying attention to the weather as he hurried out of the office, determined to catch Brennan before she left the Jeffersonian. By the time he arrived the storm was in full swing. The Jeffersonian was empty aside from Hodgins, who was working late on trying to squeeze more information out of the particulates found on and with Cora Corman, and Angela who was dutifully keeping him company. Neither had seen Brennan for the past hour, though Hodgins suggested she'd gone home because he'd seen her making a beeline for the doors with her keys in her hand.
So that was where Booth was headed, whether Brennan wanted him there or not. Even if she decided that entering the relationship was ultimately what she wanted, she'd have to do it to his face instead of trying to avoid him in hopes that he'd get the message. She always thought he was dense, why not put that opinion to good use. At the very least, they'd have a great deal to talk about at couple's therapy.
Parking was never pleasant and the rain just made it all the more difficult. Booth might as well have walked from his house to her apartment because his parking space wasn't much better. By the time he reached her door, he was soaked to the bone and dripping on the carpeted hallway. Brennan looked like she was planning on a night in with only the rain and Tibetan throat-singers for company; she'd shed her work clothes upon walking through her door and was wearing sweats and a tank top. She seemed slightly miffed to find Booth standing there. "What are you doing here?" Brennan questioned, though, try as she might, she couldn't force her voice into complete callousness. In truth, her heart had jumped when she'd opened the door to find Booth standing there; she'd secretly hoped it was him and it seemed like, for better or worse, someone had decided to listen to her silent plea.
"We need to talk."
"Booth-" Where was that resolve, that certainty that being alone was best, that it was better for her if she just kept everyone out. There was no conviction now, only longing, only a reluctance to hurt Booth, an inability to not have him in her life. That was the only certainty she felt now, the same type that she'd felt in the OR, holding his face in her hands, knowing that she could never be without him. She used to be a woman of conviction, of certainty, why was it now that she needed to be, it was deserting her. Or did she have the situation turned around?
"Do you mind if I come in first, Bones?" Booth raised an eyebrow. "I'm dripping in your hallway."
Brennan stepped aside and gestured for him to enter. When she looked at him she saw the expectation in his eyes, the belief that things were not going to end well and his preparation for such circumstances. It was the same looked she'd seen in Sully's eyes when he'd known that she wasn't going to leave with him. Why was it harder to see it on Booth's face then it had been with Sully? "Look, Booth, I really-"
But Booth interrupted. "Let me just say something, Bones." She fell silent, not seeing that she had any other choice. "I know that you're afraid," she started to protest, brow knitting, but he ignored her, "and I get that, all right, but I still think it's stupid." Brennan looked surprised. "I think that…I think we could work," there was a hopeful tone to his voice, like someone making a last ditch attempt to reason with a situation they felt was out of their control, "I really do. Because…I love you. There, I said it." Booth seemed as surprised as Brennan felt. "If nothing else, at least I said it, at least you know. No regrets, right? I love you. And I will never, ever leave you, not like everyone else. Okay? Never. You're stuck with me, Bones, all right, whether you like it or not. So I think that-" But Booth never got the chance to finish.
Brennan grabbed him by the lapels of his coat and pulled them together, kissing him the way she'd always wanted to, with her whole heart. Booth blinked in surprise but that reaction didn't last long; he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer against him, holding her tightly, as though assuring her that he would make good on his promise. And Brennan found that believing those words wasn't so hard after all.