Title: "Awesome Instead"
Author: Anna-Yes-Ma'am
Rating: PG-13/R (for language, sexual references/situations)
Summary: In the wake of Hurricane Quinn, Barney and Robin attempt to move on while retaining some semblance of their now irrevocably changed friendship. Yet neither one can quite shake their seemingly hopeless feelings for each other.
Or: Musings on Season 8 before it is Joss'd outta town.
Characters/Pairings: Barney/Robin
Spoilers: Based on A LOT of what has been said and implied about Season 8, as well as all of Season 7. You have been duly warned.
Disclaimer: If I owned HIMYM, the season 7 finale would have gone very, very differently.
Author's Note:The final chapter! Thanks SO much to everyone who read and to everyone who commented so kindly! This was a ton of fun and I may officially have the fanfic bug. ;)
...
Chapter 7 - November 12th, 2012
...
This is my excavation and today is kumran
Everything that happens is from now on
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed
...
"Mmmmnerghhhh-noooooooooo..."
Ted's curtains were sharply drawn open. The proceeding sheet of light blinded Robin's already pounding head and vibrating stomach, forcing her into a pitiful fetal position. Running her poached tongue over her dry lips, she sat up and tried to ignore the barking nausea and the muted heart palpitations that made her feel like she was going to keel over and die.
She had never been so hungover in...ever.
Looking down at her pale and bluish hands, she dropped her aching head down and considered going back to sleep. But those plans were quickly dashed as she heard a harsh, attention-grabbing cough come from the corner of the apartment. Stealing a glance up, she inwardly groaned at the sight. Marshall, Lily, and Ted were all staring at her sternly, holding envelopes in their hands.
And, of course, right behind them was the giant white sign with big red block letters that read: 'INTERVENTION.'
Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
"Is this about the drinking?" She asked through her stabbing headache, swallowing sandy saliva down her throat.
Marshall scoffed. "Drinking? Robin. The intervention banner is for real problems."
"But relatedly, you do owe me a new potted plant." Ted glared darkly at her before turning his face to a broken pile of dirt, clay, and greenery. "Leonard Fernstein deserved better."
Yikes. "Uh, when did that happen?"
"Around the second time you woke up with a song in your heart." Ted clucked his tongue. "You must have really blacked out. Do you remember anything from last night?"
Robin curled her gelatin legs underneath her and cracked her neck. Yeah, she remembered stuff from last night. She remembered going to MacLaren's and seeing him mauling all over some chick and being absolutely shocked and hurt and angered by it. She remembered hot jealousy burning through her core and his hand gruffly around her arm as he tore her out into the alley and she remembered the screams and insults and unfair accusations and the perfect clarity with which he tore her down. She remembered the look of conflict on his face when she called him her best friend and the defeat in his slumped shoulders as he walked away.
She remembered getting trashed on bourbon highballs and ending up back at Ted's place and embarrassingly pouring her heart out.
And then it was all blank.
"I remember my evening." She snuck at glance at Ted. His eyebrow quirked a little, but his face remained impassive. "And I remember drinking a lot of Maker's Mark and ginger ale. And then I ended up back here."
"That's all you remember?" Lily's face looked slightly devastated. Robin shut her eyes in frustration. It was suddenly clear that Ted had indeed filled the married couple in.
"And I also remember having a conversation with Ted. A conversation I assumed would remain private." She shot daggers at the man in question, who stared unabashedly back at her.
"It was all a little above my pay grade." He explained evenly. "Had to bring in some reinforcement."
"They'll just make it into a bigger deal than it is." Robin hissed, trying to keep her voice low like they wouldn't be able to hear her. Instead, Lily made an offended sound and Marshall crossed his arms defensively. "I thought this was, you know, between us."
"Well, that was the plan." Ted scratched his chin. "At least, until around 4am when you decided to burst into my bedroom accessorized with my lampshade on your head. And you were singing the Robert Zimmerman classic, 'Hey, Mr. Tambourine Man' at the top of your lungs. Naturally."
Ooof.
"Er, that must have been annoying." She rounded her shoulders like a turtle shell, wishing she could disappear into the couch cushions forever. Just swallowed whole. The world would probably be better off.
"Not as annoying as you vomiting all over my duvet. That's when I decided it wouldn't be... right for me to take a go at this problem without the whole crew."
And then it clicked. "So this is a punishment?"
Ted simply grinned wickedly as Lily rushed up to her.
"Robin, no. This isn't a punishment. We all want to help you. And honestly, it's not like any of it is particularly shocking." She rolled her eyes, "I figured out that there was something up with you and Barney, like, two weeks ago."
"When Ted called us, we graded it at a 25. And that's out of ten." Marshall came behind his wife and gently rubbed her shoulders. "You clearly need to talk about this."
"I talked about it last night." Robin snapped. "And if Ted really told you everything, then you should know that it's all completely hopeless. It's over."
"Lying to yourself must get really tiring, huh?"
"You weren't there, Lily."
"All I'm saying is that nothing's over until the fat lady sings." She glared tightly at Robin. "Or until the skinny reporter actually puts herself out there and uninhibitedly tells Barney how she feels."
"Don't give it all away, Lil!" Marshall pulled her back in front of the banner and spoke out of the corner of his mouth. "I wrote one of the rhyming letters for this and I intend to read it!"
"Is that why you couldn't change Marvin this morning?"
"Oh, like I could just stop when I was in the middle of my Inspiration Zone-"
"Guys." Ted cut them off. "Maybe we should actually get on with this?"
"Yes, please." Robin groaned, her head buried in the throw pillow. "Or just kill me. Whichever you'd prefer. I know my choice."
But instead of swiftly putting her out of her misery, Marshall instead stepped forward and cleared his throat.
"Dearest Robin-" He began with a small bow.
"I've known you now for about eight years/And never have I seen you with so many tears.
I know you think Barney is your one to wed/But tell me truly, have you thought about Ted?"
"What?" Robin actually looked up at that. Lily growled at the ceiling and Ted stared gobsmacked at his best friend. But Marshall simply continued:
"You and Barney are an awesome pair/But doesn't Ted have the coolest hair?"
"What in the mother loving hell are you talking about?" Robin's lips curled and her eyebrows stitched together.
"The way he gels it, so stylish and spiky/If I were you, I'd say 'Me likey!'"
She blinked in horror. "Exactly how long is this thing?
Marshall briefly looked up, "Twelve pages. Double-sided."
"Oh my God."
"His Encyclo-pay-dias are a thing of pride/Just one more reason to be Ted's bride-"
"I can't believe you're still trying with this stupid bet! You lost!" Lily suddenly exploded. "Get over it!"
"Bet?" Robin quizzically glanced over at a beet red Ted.
"Don't ask." He mumbled, shuffling his feet in embarrassment.
Marshall sighed loudly before letting his face fall into a resigned grin. His eyes searched Robin's face. Clearly seeing something there that even she couldn't put her finger on, Marshall gently folded the poem into his pocket and pulled out his wallet.
Retrieving a green bill, he walked over to Lily, whispered something in her ear, and handed her the cash. Lily visibly melted and placed a gentle kiss on Marshall's cheek. But in response, he simply looked over at Ted and sent him a slightly sad nod.
(Ted gave him a thumbs up.)
For her part, Robin couldn't pretend that she either knew what was going on or that she cared at all about what was going on. She really just wanted some goddamn bacon. And some pancakes. Maybe a bit of coffee too? But mostly she wanted the fried animal fat. Ooooh, and ribs! Followed by a long, luxurious bubble bath and a plate of hot wings. And then she wanted to hole up under a blanket listening to "Heart of Gold" on repeat while she cried into barbecue sauce and contemplated the misery of her existence and how undeserving of love she would always be and how getting her teeth kicked in would be perfect karmic retribution because she just sucked, sucked, sucked.
And after that, who knew? Maybe she'd watch some Antiques Roadshow. That could be fun.
But rather than letting her go get her bacon on, Marshall instead interrupted her train of thought and sat beside her, placing his large hand on her shoulder.
"Okay. Fine. That wasn't right. I know you're in love with Barney." He ignored Robin's flinch. "It was unfair of me to impose my own romantic ideas on you, especially when you're hurting so badly. I'm sorry about that."
At Robin's shrug, Marshall looked up and off into the distance a little wistfully. "And there certainly is a naively romantic part of me that really wanted to see you end up with Ted. But there's another part of me that's a little less conventional that totally sees you with Barney for, like, a really long time."
"Why?" Robin stared down at her hands. "I don't see myself with anyone for a really long time. I...I tend to mess things up. I mean, case in point." She pointed at the banner.
"You think Barney doesn't feel the same way most of the time?" Marshall smiled. "I remember the first time he told me he had feelings for you. He thought I would laugh in his face. Or tell him that it was impossible, that he was a stupid jerk for even considering that Robin Scherbatsky could love him back. But you know what I said?"
"I don't know." She sighed and stretched her arms over her head, studiously avoiding Marshall's piercing and concerned gaze. "Some stupid Star Wars analogy?"
"No." Marshall shook his head and laughed before suddenly looking up. "Though, the similarities between you and Ted as perhaps the true Luke and Leia-"
"Baby." Lily shot her voice over and shook her head. He cleared his throat.
"No." He refocused. "No, I told him that I thought that the two of you were actually kinda perfect for each other."
"Really?"
"Really." Marshall squeezed her hand. "And there's only one thing I would change about that statement now. The two of you aren't just kinda perfect for each other, you are perfect for each other."
Robin wasn't sure how to respond to that. Leaning back, she sighed and gently rubbed her temples. Perfect for each other. Those were words that befit couples like Marshall and Lily or Peter MacKay and Nazanin Afshin-Jam, not perennial screw ups like her and Barney. And-and-and even if they did love each other and even if they were kindred spirits and even if he was the One for her, what did it matter if they had to live in fear of their friends tearing them apart again? Weren't they the ones who tried to pull the plug? It all rang so...hollow and disingenuous and Robin didn't know how to take it.
"You certainly didn't seem to feel that way when we broke up." She finally mumbled, moving away from Marshall on the couch. "What changed?"
But as Marshall opened his mouth to answer her, Lily suddenly started bouncing up and down on her feet.
"Ooh! Ooh! My letter talks about that! My turn! My turn!" She smiled unfalteringly, despite Robin's best attempt at a droll and unimpressed glare in her direction. "Mind if I cut in, baby?"
Marshall stood and swept his hands out deferentially before briefly nuzzling Lily's nose. The red head beamed up at him and took her place beside the couch. Robin grabbed the blanket and cloaked it around her as tight as she could, shielding herself from the world and her friends' knowing stares.
"Dear Robin." Lily swallowed and gave a small, motherly head tilt before turning her eyes back to her letter. "You and Barney broke up three years ago. It was the right choice. Neither of you were prepared for any sort of relationship, let alone one that carried the expectations of dating one of your best friends. Not only did you feel a responsibility to be everything that you weren't for each other, you also felt pressure from all of us-" (She gestured around the room) "-to be something you didn't have the emotional maturity or capacity to maintain at the time."
She stole a slightly guilty glance up at Robin. "That's why I used to say that I didn't think the two of you would last. You weren't ready. And I honestly wasn't sure Barney would ever be ready. But you need to believe me when I say that I never, ever doubted the love between the two of you."
Robin cleared her throat and swallowed back something that felt suspiciously like more tears. I'm like the frickin' Niagra Falls over here. Christ.But luckily, she was far too dehydrated from the night before to actually cry.
"Go on." She instructed Lily, her knuckles turning white around the edge of the blanket. Lily paused for a moment and cleared her throat.
"Marshall and Ted wanted to break the two of you up and I insisted that things simply needed to run their course. Which, it seemed, they did. The two of you broke up naturally and maturely, without much collateral damage. Soon, the two of you were friends just like you had always been."
She sighed and smiled a little. "But what a fool I was. The course was never run! It is all so obvious to me now. You never got over Barney and Barney really, really never got over you. The difference now is that you're ready for one another. Barney is fully committed to the idea of monogamy. And you seem to be committed to the idea of Barney, which may be the most important piece of all." She smiled. "And sweetie, I couldn't be happier or prouder."
Lily moved over to Robin and forced her friend to look her in the eye as she placed the letter in her lap. "Look, I used to think I was entirely all-knowing. But honestly? I have no idea what the future holds for you two. Clearly, though, you both deserve the chance to figure it out. I think if you gave it a real shot, it could be something really lasting and really beautiful, even if it's not something I can understand. I mean, Barney loves you so much and he always has-"
And that's when Robin's patience imploded.
"How exactly do you know that?" She demanded, throwing the blanket off and standing up on wobbly but determined legs. "Because he told you that four years ago? Did it ever occur to you that maybe that changed?"
"N-no." Lily shook her head and looked to Marshall desperately for back up. "Robin, it's so obvious. It's how he looks at you and how he talks to you..."
"How he talks about you." Marshall chimed in. "Even if he doesn't specifically say he still loves you, I can sense it in my gut."
"We both can." Lily pleaded. "There's really no other explanation."
"Well, you'll have to excuse me if I'm not going to base the most important and terrifying decision of my life on your overly idealistic guts." She was pacing now and didn't care that it was clearly freaking out her enraptured audience. "This is what you always do! You take what works for you and try to apply it to me even though you should know by now that I'm not that same."
"I'm sorry." Lily whimpered.
Robin put a frustrated fist to her mouth (and vaguely registered how similar to Barney the movement was). She sat back down on the couch and sighed.
"I'm not asking you to be sorry. You are who you are. And I appreciate that. But offer me the same courtesy."
Lily nodded quickly. "You're right. I'm sorry. I'll try to be better and more understanding of what works for you. Really."
Running her fingers through her hair, Robin leaned back with a sad smile. Lily really was a good friend who tried her best. That's what mattered. Sighing, she rubbed her aching neck and continued.
"So if you actually think Barney loves me, give me a real reason to believe that. Because empirically? All I can see is not meaning that much to him beyond friendship. If you look at the full scope of things, I mean."
Lily and Marshall exchanged desperate looks and opened their mouths like fish gasping for air. Marshall's brow wrinkled and Lily scrunched her lips up in deep thought before sighing helplessly. Robin smiled tightly at their response and leaned back, not sure if she felt vindicated or if she felt like she was floundering in a depression that would never, ever go away. It was probably some combination of the two. It made her want to scream.
Only the sound of Ted dramatically tearing up his letter jolted her back into the moment.
"Giving up so easily, Mosby?" She tried to laugh.
"It was stupid." He was staring down at the broken pieces in his hand. "Or, rather, it was stupid to try to read to you. It was a long, highly poetic, and highly theoretical musing on what love means and could mean for you and Barney. It would have put you to sleep."
Robin snorted at that and Ted caught her eye. "But I think I know what you actually need." Turning to his other best friends, Ted beckoned them out with a head tilt. "Marsh, Lil...would you guys mind stepping into the hall for a sec?"
"Ted." Lily's kindergarten teacher face was on. "It's impolite not to include everyone."
"Don't you trust us?" Marshall crossed his arms.
"Guys." Ted closed his eyes. "Please. "
Sensing the seriousness in Ted's voice and face, Lily's face fell into a straight line and she nodded. Grabbing her husband's reluctant arm, the two of them moved into the hallway as Marshall defensively announced that they needed to check in with Mickey anyway.
Gently closing the door behind them, Ted stood facing away from Robin for a moment, his shoulders steeled as he put his hands in his pockets. Unleashing a great sigh, he finally turned to her and set his mouth in a straight line.
"I don't think I'm supposed to tell you this." He finally said after a few moments of heavy silence wherein Robin hardly dared to breathe. "Barney would kill me."
"Well, maybe you shouldn't-" She began, knowing how close to the chest Barney kept his secrets. If he actually confided in Ted and not her then she was absolutely not supposed to know. But Ted shook his head.
"No. I think I need to. And as much as it might piss him off, he'll thank me eventually."
"O-okay." Because what else could she really say? It was all on Ted to make sense of this awkward moment.
"Barney told me about November."
Her heart dropped and Robin instinctively touched her stomach.
"What do you mean?" She asked a little breathlessly.
"That you slept together." Ted frowned and pulled his eyebrows together. "What did you think I meant?"
"Nothing." She rushed forward. "I just meant, uh, what did Barney say about it?"
"That you guys slept together the night we talked about the hurricane. And that you almost got back together. That it's why he dumped Nora."
Ah, right. She swallowed a few knives as she remembered how pristine and rainbow-bright-perfect Nora had always been and how much Barney had fallen for her, suddenly enamored with the idea of long lasting love and commitment. If Barney was going to want to be a better man for anyone, he couldn't have chosen a better candidate in all her English Rose beauty and grace.
Just the thought of it made her sick.
But he had ended it, supposedly because he wanted to be with Robin. And while she was maybe on the verge of believing that for real...
"He'd been looking for an out for awhile. Remember the Ewoks?"
"It was more than that." Ted's intense and quiet tone didn't waver. "He was never particularly invested in Nora in the same way he was never truly invested in Quinn. I've told you this before, but I've never seen Barney work so hard to keep a woman around and that woman has always been you."
"How could you possibly know that?"
"Because before you came back to the bar with Kevin, Barney decorated your bedroom in candles and rose petals. To prove how much he loves you."
Robin's brain short-circuited. The images in front of her suddenly turned blank white and she blinked several times.
"No." She said, laughing a little at the incredulity of the claim. "No. No, no, no. Barney wouldn't do that."
Ted's face didn't move.
"No." She insisted as a dark panic started to creep up her chest. "No. No, no, no, no, no..."
"Robin-"
"Are-are you serious?" Her vertabrae stood at full attention and the hairs on her forearms quivered in her growing anxiety. "Barney did that-he did that? Oh god." She fanned her chest. "God, I am literally the worst human being on the planet. I-I had no idea! If I had known..."
She had stayed with Kevin because he was the sure bet. Because she was certain that whether it was that night or in a few weeks or in a few years, Barney would break her heart. Because she thought Barney had been so in love with Nora and because Barney was so notoriously a chicken shit about dealing with matters of the heart or anything that wasn't directly tied to his libido, that it wasn't worth the effort to try again. Because she thought she knew that her rejection would maybe sting Barney a little, but that he wasn't truly committed to her or the idea of them. Self-preservation was the name of Robin's game. She thought she knew. She thought she knew.
But she didn't. Barney loved her and always had. He even made the effort she had always wanted from him. He offered the assurance she needed; he proved to her that he loved her. Even if he didn't get the words right and even if he wouldn't in the future, he loved her, he loved her, he loved her and he desperately wanted to be with her.
Robin just didn't get a chance to see it.
Opening her mouth to speak, Ted suddenly put his hand in the air like a conducter and cut her off.
"I'm not done." He stood up and drummed his fingers along his kitchen's table (she still saw Quinn there every so often, mocking her). "You were right last night."
"Bonnie Tyler is Canadian?" She offered with a feeble laugh, knowing that wasn't what he meant, but wanting to avoid the conversation.
"No, she's Welsh. But that's-" Ted cut off his impulse for corrections by biting his lip and glared at Robin's misdirection. "I'm talking about when you said that you were the one who messed things up with you and Barney. And while every instinct in me wants to laugh at that, I think I've been able to put together a fuzzy picture of how your...relationship with him has gone. And I've concluded that you're right. You screwed up big time."
"Yippee." Robin deadpanned. "Thanks for the pep talk."
"This isn't a pep talk." He practically growled. "This is straight talk because you've got to get your shit together, Scherbatsky. You're not only hurting Barney with your indecision, you're hurting all of us." Ted paused. "You either need to step up or ship out. If you want to be with him, you need to tell him with no more pussyfooting."
"Pussyfooting?" Robin snorted. Ted glared harshly in response.
"I'm serious. No more assumptions, no more games, no more empty promises. Be clear, be direct, be firm. Say what's in your heart." He sighed and looked down. "Or don't."
"Don't?"
"Maybe you don't want to be with Barney." He shrugged. "Maybe it's all too much work. Maybe love's not supposed to be so difficult. That's a perfectly valid choice as well. I don't want you to think this Intervention was about forcing you to be with Barney with a metaphorical gun against your back. That's not what we're asking."
"Then what are you asking?" Maybe it was her hangover, but Robin was genuinely confused.
"To take action. If you love Barney, tell him. And if you don't, then you need to let him go. Because if anyone knows what it's like to hold onto the tiniest shred of hope when it comes to you, it's me. It really sucks." Ted trailed off for a minute before biting the inside of his cheek with a shaky sigh. "And I think Barney is much, much more fargone than I ever was."
Whistling out a breath, she closed her eyes. Ted was right. It was now or never. She needed to be fair to herself, fair to her friends, and most importantly, she needed to be fair to Barney.
She needed to ask herself once and for all, was this what she wanted?
Did she really, truly want to be with him? Was she actually all in and ready for a relationship with Barney Stinson?
Did she really love him?
"Yes." She whispered.
A wide smile overtook her features and she nodded wildly, beginning to laugh. "Yes!"
"Uh, yes what?" Ted blinked and dared a small smile himself. Grinning brightly at her friend, Robin hopped off the couch and threw her arms around him, laughing and spinning before looking up at him with a soft head tilt and her hand pressed against his chest.
"Thank you, Ted." She offered gently. His eyebrows came together in amused confusion and he smiled fully back at her. Pushing away from him, Robin put her hand to her head and felt her face turn bright red in its dizzying joy as she jogged over to the door. Slamming it wide open, she didn't even feel remotely insulted when the (clearly eavesdropping) Marshall and Lily literally fell into the room.
"We didn't hear anything!" Marshall boomed as Lily stammered helplessly.
Giggling off their abashed explanations, Robin helped pull them to their feet. Squeezing their hands and looking into their eyes with new calm and clarity, she beckoned Ted over to the small circle.
"Guys. I need your help."
...
Well I've been twisting to the sun and the moon
I needed to replace
The fountain in the front yard is rusted out
All my love was down
In a frozen ground
...
Barney was vaguely aware of his door slamming behind him. The sound reverberated off the cold, empty walls and bounced off the chrome and steel and granite that still inexplicably made up the nuances of his life. Staring at the ground with a sickly sweet pit in his stomach, a small part of him had to appreciate the irony. His insides were jumbled, angry, messy, disgusting...and the contrast against his perfectly neat and cool exteriors was actually, really quite hilarious. He was the master of the possimpible, right? And having any part of his life even look like he wasn't a complete fuck up was a victory in his book.
Sighing, he flopped down on his couch and considered his ceiling mechanically. He supposed he was being dramatic. His life wasn't actually empty. Hadn't he just come back from babysitting Marvin -and a weirdly enthusiastic and evasive Marshall? He loved being an uncle. He loved being a friend. And he was pretty good at it. Really, the only thing his life was missing was...well, her.
Yeah, okay. That was a lot.
Barney frantically pulled out his phone and scrolled across her name for the billionth time in the past 24 hours. He was such an idiot. He should just call her. Tell her he was being stupid, that he was drunk, that she obviously misunderstood him...anything to take back what he said about them not being friends anymore. Clearly, he had been experiencing some kind of full blown hallucinogenic out-of-body experience because everything he said had been so...
Right.
He sighed. He was right. He had done the right thing. He released them both from the crap they had been pulling for - fuck- probably going on five years, if he took an honest stock of their relationship. The only way to end the torture was to separate completely. Or to come together.
But she obviously didn't want that.
Closing his eyes, Barney pinched the bridge of his nose and huffed out a few determined breaths. He was fine. He was awesome. He was awesome. He was awesome. Goddammit, he was awesome.
Pressing the pads of his fingers into his temples, he leaned back and blinked his heavy eyes. Taking inventory of his surroundings and his suit, he cursed aloud when he stared down at his tie. There was a small but significant bit of baby applesauce that dug its way into the silk fibres. Slowly loosening it from around his neck, Barney couldn't help but laugh at a little at the absurdity that had led him to getting the stain...
..
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Marshall demanded, blocking the apartment's exit with wild eyes and a sweaty forehead. Barney dug the heel of his palm into his eye socket and sighed.
"Bro, I'm just...I'm really tired." He attempted a half-hearted smirk. "I was 'up' all night, if you know what I mean."
Marshall didn't laugh at his joke, so Barney assumed he didn't understand. Made sense. He was a dad now and dad's were programmed by nature to be super lame. As the high-waisted khakis went up, their sense of humor went way, way down. Normally, he would just mock the woefully out-of-touch giant, but it seemed like Marshall somehow... just knew he needed a friend earlier when he called and asked for help with Marvin. So Barney cut him some slack.
"My penis." He helpfully explained. "My penis was up. It's a double entrendre."
"I got it." Marshall shook his head. "I'm pretty sure you're lying, but I got it."
Barney snorted. "Lying? Bro, my poontang levels have never been 'higher.' Or 'harder.' I've got a fever and the only cure is more poontang."
"Wow. An SNL cowbell reference? 'Poontang'? You really are... tired." Marshall crossed his arms and Barney detected the smallest hint of pity in his voice. Anger flared in his chest at that and his jaw clenched tightly.
"I'm fine." He set his teeth on edge and tried to push past Marshall. "I just...I really need to go home, dude."
"But you can't!" Marshall yelped before firmly turning Barney around. "Marvin needs you!"
"Uh, all Marvin needs right now is some bowel movement control." He rolled his eyes. "I think he'll survive if I call it a night."
Marshall's eyes frantically moved around the room and he sputtered like an inane child. Finally, though, he was silent. Nodding to himself like he was resigned, he moved over to Marvin's holder and mechanically held his arm out.
"But Barney." He spoke like he was reciting a script. "How will Marvin ever become a 'Bro' if you will not teach him?"
Barney spun on his heel and raised his eyebrow.
"Listening." He devilishly stroked his chin and smirked. Marshall sighed and closed his eyes.
"Oh, what if Marvin is never as...awesome as you and this night, this very night, is his only chance?" Marshall's voice increased in its monotone and he licked his lips. "Please help him, Barney."
Marshall swallowed and quirked his head a little. "Please help us."
The smirk on Barney's face transformed into a bright smile. He wasn't sure why Marshall was doing this (other than obviously desperately needing his guidance), but he didn't really care.
"Challenge accepted!" His finger shot straight up in the air and he plopped down next to Marvin. "All right, kid. Lesson the First: Choosing the Right Bib. Now, you may think chicks your age are only interested in breast milk and shiny rattles, but did you know you can use both of those items to your advantage in capturing their attention, vis-a-vis your outfits, i.e., your spit-up catchers? True story..."
And as Barney filled his young nephew's head with important playboy, playbook, and play date information, he caught Marshall texting out of the corner of his eye. He softened a little, realizing that Marshall probably didn't need Barney to be there but, in fact, actually wanted to spend some time with him, for whatever reason. That actually felt kinda good.
"Thanks, bro." He said a little quietly. "It's been a rough day."
Marshall nodded and there was a glint in his eye that Barney didn't quite understand. Not that it mattered. He had to work on teaching Marvin to say 'nailed it' and 'I'm awesome' anyway. But, still... Marshall was a good friend. And it was good to have that reminder after the shit suck of the past few days.
Smiling to himself, Barney turned back to Marvin.
"Now, Marvin, we need to do something about this dependency you've got on your mommy. Believe me, I get it. Boobs are fantastic, but-Whooo-oaaa, Bro! Not cool! This is Prada. Can you say 'Prah-Dah?' No? Eh, you'll get there..."
...
Gently moving his fingers over the stain, Barney decided that it didn't really matter. It was Marv spit up and Marv was pretty okay in his book. Though his dry cleaner would shout and moan, he knew he could always buy another tie if it came to that (after performing the proper rites for his fallen comrade; he was an uncle, not a monster).
Maybe he'd wear a small towel over his suit the next time he held him. Normally, he would rather light his hair on fire than ever cover up his precious babies, but well...it was Marv. He figured they'd survive the occasional break from everyone's constant awe.
But occasional was all they could take. He huffed out a small laugh. Being an uncle was truly awesome. But being a father? Ugh.
He shook his head. Bad images from the night before cropped up as he reconfirmed his indifference and disdain towards procreating. Yeah, it was as true now as it had been when he fought with Robin as it had been three weeks or years prior. He only ever considered the idea of children because it seemed more...mature. But apparently, because he once was naively excited that Robin was pregnant with his child (which had way more to do with Robin than the potential kid), he had alienated himself from her forever. Which was total bullshit because if she would just fucking wake up, she would realize that they were fucking perfect for-
It didn't matter. He said his piece. He put himself out there. She ran away.
That's what mattered.
Smiling tightly in resignation, Barney shook off his suit jacket and tie. He really was tired. He just needed to go to bed. Not even caring that he left his clothes slightly crumpled on his couch, he blankly moved himself toward the bedroom so he could fall asleep face first and dream away the next few days. (He'd call off work in the morning.)
But upon reaching the door, he started a little. A soft yellow glow flickered and emanated from within the room and gently moved out onto his feet. Scratching his hair in confusion, he slowly turned the doorknob and braced himself for a possible intruder or a small electrical fire or something.
All the bracing in the world couldn't have prepared him for the sight in front of him.
Nearly every square inch of his (quite large) bedroom was covered in white flickering candles. On his nightstand, his end table, his bookshelves, and on individually placed stands throughout the vast space available from the bed to the walls. And at his feet, deep red rose petals trailed throughout his hardwood floor and up to his bed, where a burst of the petals spread out among his comforter and pillows.
But he didn't give a shit about any of that.
What astounded him the most, what completely shut down every cell in his body, what made his mind go completely blank except for the pounding of his heart was the woman standing at the foot of the bed.
It was Robin.
...
She wasn't sure why she was surprised to see him when he stepped into the room. Robin supposed that it had to do with the high stress and high stakes of the situation she forced herself into, but she couldn't deny that when she saw the full form of Barney Stinson walk through the door, there was a rather large part of her that was shocked at his arrival. Shocked that he was actually standing in front of her, shocked that she was actually doing this, and shocked that... oh god, now the candles were making her really hot and sweaty and her stomach was bouncing around all over the place. Taking a deep breath, she attempted to calm her nerves. 'Cause, well, vomiting upon his entrance mightsend the wrong message.
Barney's face mirrored her shock, but that actually wasn't surprising. After all, she had managed to break into The Fortress of Barnitude completely undetected. Robin could see his eyes moving quickly over the scene and calculating the implications of the candles, the flowers, her appearance, how she was here, what it meant. And when his eyes settled gently on hers with the tiniest spark of...something in their depths, Robin knew that it was her moment to finally prove herself to the man she loved.
"I'm not original, I'm never going to be original, and I will always get all weird about this shit. So you can just forget about that, mister!"
...Or she could blather out nonsense instead.
Though she swore Barney's lips nearly quirked into a bemused smile, less than half a moment after she considered it, his eyes were glazed and shielded.
He was just staring at her.
He wasn't going to give her anything to go on. In fact, it seemed like he was actively refusing to help her out in even the slightest way. Everything was completely on her.
Shit.
"Um, that came out wrong." She cleared her throat and looked around. "Let me start again. Uh, well, so you're probably wondering why I'm here. Which is...reasonable."
Still nothing from Barney.
Flitting her eyes about the room, she swallowed and opened in the most logical way she could think.
"Your doorman is gay."
Brilliant.
"Uh, that's-that's a major part of how I got in." She explained, since Barney's eyebrows did come together just the tiniest bit to express his confusion. "Ted and Lily-they were here. With me. Obviously. And, uh, we knew we'd have to get past Roger to even think about getting up here. So Lily started bustin' out her post-natal boobs and it did nothing. But then..."
...
"Pablo Neruda once said that laughter is the language of the soul." Ted giggled and gently brushed the concierge's lapel. "Wouldn't you agree, Rog? Can I call you 'Rog'?"
"You can call me anything." Roger squeezed Ted's shoulder with his large, quite hairy hands. Smiling serenely at the gigantic (and terrifying) imposing figure of a man, he muttered under his breath as Lily and Robin quickly slipped past the front desk to the elevator lobby: "You freaking owe me, Scherbatsky."
Stepping into the elevator, Lily laughed and shook her head.
"You know, when you and Barney get married, I think Ted just officially won his spot as your mutual Best Man."
Panic hit Robin's chest and her eyes widened into saucers.
"What?!" She squeaked out, making Lily sigh and soothingly stroke her arm.
"Okay, okay." Lily cooed. "Baby steps, girl. Baby steps..."
...
"I mean, really, I don't think that what Ted had to do was so horrible anyway." Robin rushed to explain. "It's not like there's anything wrong with being gay and frankly, if someone needs to be a bit more secure in his heterosexuality, it's Ted. He can be a little insulting about it sometimes! Really, it was good for him."
Reading something in Barney's (still blank) expression, she started shaking her head. "And-and-and it's not that I'm opposed to marrying you. Obviously, I wouldn't be here if that was the case, but it's just that...it's just like: GAH!" She made a face and waved her arms wildly about. "You know?"
And though the man standing in front of her still refused to respond, she made the educated guess that he did.
"So that's how we left Ted to the mercy of your oddly bulky British doorman." She chuckled a little and straightened her shoulders with a deep sigh. "Then Lily and I broke in here."
She raised her eyebrows sheepishly. "Er, sorry about that?"
...
"This is the most romantic thing I've ever been a part of!" Lily squealed as she deftly shimmied Barney's lock while Robin held several large supply bags firmly against her person.
Robin shook her head. "Uh, Lily? You have a pillow that's shaped like Marshall. He hires you marching bands whenever you come back from a trip. I think you guys will always have me beat."
"Yeah, but that's me and Marshall." She waved her hand dismissively. "It's all old hat. This is you and Barney! And it's you! You never do stuff like this! Ahhhh...you should serenade him with a Robin Sparkles love song! He'd adore that!"
"No."
"Whisper sweet nothings in his ear while you draw him a bubble bath? And then you guys could feed chocolates to each other!"
"Gross."
Lily rolled her eyes. "Get naked and cover yourself in expensive scotch that he can lick off you?"
Robin tilted her head and seriously considered that one. "Hmmmm." But then she shook her head. "No, no, no. Lily. I'm trying to get him to take me seriously and what I have planned will really drive the message home. So just drop it, okay?"
Finally pushing the door open and smirking as she put her bobby pin back in her hair, Lily nodded.
"Fine. But you better tell me someday what you did! We're the reason you're even here, bitch, and we deserve to know the truth! Oh, I'll bet you wrote him a love poem! Did you? Did you?!"
...
"I did not." Robin quickly assured Barney. "And I also promise I won't tell her about any of this. I mean, she's right. Without the gang, I never would have had the courage to come here and I will be grateful to them forever. But the details? Those are for us. They're none of her business and I think the less Lily knows about the intimacies of our life together, the better off we'll be."
He actually tilted his head at her bold statement and narrowed his eyes at her, like he didn't quite know what to make of the creature standing before him. Her eyes went wide again.
"Not that I'm assuming anything. Like, geez, Robin, wow. Way to be presumptuous, huh?" She laughed manically and scratched her neck. "Hooooo, boy. Gettin' a little ahead of myself."
Closing her eyes then, she braced herself to speak. "Look, Barney, Ted told me about that night in November. And I have absolutely no idea how to make any of that up to you and I'm not sure that I ever can. But I wanted you to know that I'm willing to try and I hoped this would be a start."
Sneaking a glance at him, her heart sunk a little as she took in his reaction. As she sort of expected, his defenses clearly went up on high alert. He stepped back from her, his nostrils flared and his jaw tightened, battling an internal fight-or-flight response.
But at least he stayed.
Taking his presence as permission to continue on, Robin rushed out with stream of words. "But I also know that the rose petals and the candles, that's all you. It's how you tried to prove yourself and, wow, it would have been wonderful. And I wanted to show you that I'm open to romance. But like I tried to say earlier, I'm a little rusty."
She paced in front of his bed a little, wringing her hands. "I couldn't come up with anything original to do. I mean, I thought about wearing a costume or something, but then we'd probably just end up having sex and while I'm obviously in favor of that, I don't think that's really what we need right now. Or at least at this moment."
"So I was trying to think of a way to bear myself to you figuratively-" (She laughed a little at that and tried to bite back the disappointment at Barney's lack of response) "-and also to do something romantic for you like you tried to do for me."
She tentatively stepped forward and touched her hand to her heart. "But Barney, what I realized was that you deserve more than the product of a romantic gesture brainstorming session. You deserve the one thing I haven't really given you and that's the truth." Robin whistled out a breath between her teeth and stared him straight in the eye. "So here it goes."
She raised her chin and bit her lip before swallowing more heavily than she had in her entire life.
"I'm in love with you, Barney."
...Welp, that was out there now.
Oddly, it didn't feel as horrible and gut-wrenching as she had always imagined it would feel. Yes, it was scary and yes, it definitely felt a bit like dangling over a long chasm filled with sharp knives. But honestly? It also felt incredibly freeing and like she had finally unloaded a heavy burden after a long desert trek. She had been so terrified of his response and the way her world would look once she finally admitted what she had felt for literally years that she never once considered how much of a relief letting it go and putting herself out there would be. Hell, she didn't even care that he wasn't immediately rushing up to her.
Suddenly filled with newfound power and freedom, Robin found the inner impetus to move forward.
"I'm so sorry about last night. I was being a total jerk and I was placing all my unspoken expectations on you. That wasn't fair. And you were so right about everything. I have been evasive, hurtful, jealous, needy, withholding...everything you implied or directly said." She clucked her tongue and offered a wry grin. "I don't deserve anything from you. And I promise I'm not making excuses for my behavior or anything I said to you last night. But..."
She wrinkled her eyebrows and restrained herself from taking his hand. "But I want you to know that last night, when I called you my best friend? I meant that. You are. But I'm also in love with you. It's not mutually exclusive."
Barney was blinking rapidly, but still just staring at her. His eyes still revealed nothing and his mouth was set in a firm and determined straight line, though his Adam's apple bobbed intermittently. Robin ignored the doubt that started niggling in her gut and ran her fingers through her hair.
"I've loved you for years, Barney, but I was so terrified of what that meant and how-how much you could hurt me." At his sudden jaw clench, she shook her head wildly. "Not because I thought you would try to hurt me! It's just...I never allowed myself to really be with you because I loved you so much. I know that sounds counterintuitive and cowardly. Which it was. It's just...my heart always said you were it, but my brain said that the way I felt about you could and would lead to disaster. So I nipped it in the bud and shut it all down. Or, well, I tried. Over and over again, without thought to how it would affect you."
She sighed and hugged her arms around her body. "Which I'm also sorry about."
Feeling tired and overexposed and a little frustrated at Barney's constant silence, Robin dropped her head down in aching exhaustion. A thought hit her head and she chuckled a little.
"You know, I always use the word 'ridiculous' to describe you, but it's wrong. I mean, you are ridiculous, in every wonderful way but what I really mean is..." She brought her blue eyes up to his and saw a tiny glimmer of hesitancy and hope in the corner of them. She smiled. "What I really mean is that you-you're my counterpoint."
She laughed nervously. "Wow, that's really cheesy."
Ignoring the pounding in her heart and the creeping irrational fear that Barney was moments away from mocking her, Robin threw her head back and puffed her chest out, ready to bring her clumsy speech in for a bumpy landing.
"I-I love you, Barney. And I think you love me too. I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner. If you had actually told me-" She cut herself off and closed her eyes. "No. That's not the point. The point is that I love you no matter what. Even if you're going to bolt out the door or think I'm Mosbying you again, I don't care. I love you."
Whistling out a heady and years-old sigh, Robin pulled her eyes back up to his face and opened her arms half-heartedly. Laughing lightly to fill the silence, she held her breath as she awaited his response.
At first, Barney just stared at her for a few long, torturous seconds. Then he tilted his head and stared at the ceiling, his mouth opening a little before staring down at the floor. Kicking the ground gently, he persed his lips before fluttering his eyelashes closed.
"Are you done?" He finally spoke, his voice gravelly and weathered.
Robin's heart plummeted to her feet and instantaneously broke apart into a thousand shards.
She was too late.
Blinking back the newest onslaught of tears, she pulled her chest up with as much dignity as she could muster. Barney didn't owe her anything. She said her part and now they could move on for good.
"Yeah." She whispered. "Yeah, I guess I am."
Closing her eyes, she wiped her traitorously wet cheeks and sniffed.
"I'll just get going. Sorry about-"
"Fuck, Robin, thank god."
And then before she could even begin to register what was happening, Barney's hands were suddenly tangled desperately in her hair and his soft lips were molded fiercely to her own, his body hauling her toward his with reckless abandon.
"Love you too..." He whispered frantically as his fingers massaged the nape of her neck and his eyelashes left dizzying patterns along her cheeks. "God, I love you too..."
Her mind went blank as those lips then moved swiftly across her cheeks to gently nibbling at her neck, while burying his face deep into her hair and inhaling like he was drowning man. As the vibration of her name being whispered hotly against her skin awoke all of her senses, she clutched herself to him with equal fervor and they tumbled onto the flower covered bed, their bodies moving in perfect, delirious tandem.
Through labored breaths and her teeth digging lightly into his neck, Barney briefly pulled away to cup Robin's face lovingly in the palms of his hands. He stared down at her face with the most positively dazzling smile she had ever seen and couldn't help but respond in kind.
"That-" He placed a quick, impulsive kiss to her lips "-took way-" Followed by several more along her cheekbones "-too long, Scherbatsky."
Robin laughed giddily and pulled him down to her, drawing his bottom lip between her teeth.
"I'm sorry." She finally managed out as she began quickly unbuttoning his dress shirt, pulling back just enough to enjoy the sensation of finally kissing him again. "From now on, I'll try to keep my declarations of love to under a minute."
"It's only polite." But he was laughing too and his hands seemed to be everywhere at once and she was alive and free and just so damn happy that she was certain they would both simply burst and float into the sky entangled together in sheer bliss.
"We still have a lot to talk about." She gasped out, her voice hitching in her chest as he nuzzled her breasts under his hot and slick mouth. "We-we have so much to discuss."
"Later." He insisted, alternating between demandingly kissing her lips and offering her star-bright, disbelieving smiles. "Later. Too busy now."
"Oh, god, yes we are..."
And as soft moans began to escape her lips while he worshiped her skin and hair and body and soul in all the most familiar and tantalizing ways, his own declarations seered into her skin. Between his ragged heartbeat that Robin could feel so intensely on her own chest and between the feel of his teeth light scraping against her collarbone, he confirmed his love for her over and over and over again ("Of course, I do. Of course.") And then they were saying it together and laughing and teasing and promising to be awesome together forever and ever and ever...
...
And hours later, as he finally fell asleep with his arms wrapped tightly around her naked form, Robin smiled contentedly as their destiny was finally fulfilled and the last candle faded down into an ember.
They still had a long way to go. They needed to talk and lay it all out on the table, from both sides and with perfect honesty. They may never be perfect communicators, but they both loved each other enough and both had grown enough that they would both work their hardest to be what the other really needed. She hoped he knew now, but she planned on making it crystal clear that she was in for the long haul. He deserved that much. But they had finally taken the gigantic leap back towards each other and for now, it was more than enough to satisfy them both.
Considering the enormity of their history together, she had to quietly laugh. It was funny. This moment had been years in the making. Eight years, in fact. Since the moment she walked into the bar and "met Ted." Little did she know that it would actually be the introducer who would make all the difference, in all the hilarious, confusing, joyful, weird, painful, convoluted, and winding ways it took for them to get there.
And somehow, as Robin Scherbatsky tickled her nose against the crook of Barney Stinson's neck, it was all completely, perfectly, wonderfully worth it.
...
This is not the sound of a new man or a crispy realization
It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away
Your love will be
Safe with me
…