Hey guys! So some people have been asking about when exactly this takes place, so I'm going to give you a timeline...
Allen's mission (the one at the beginning) takes place two weeks after Cross's "death." He was held captive for 6 weeks at the White Order. Two weeks after that, Allen and Kanda went on the mission in Germany. The stuff with the Phantom Thief G has happened, but Allen wasn't involved since he was missing. The Third Exorcists haven't been introduced. They won't be a big deal. I'm stretching the time between the Third Exorcists and the Alma Karma arc (which will happen later.)
Hope that clears some things up!
Cana99: Thank you so much for the internet cookies! I'm so happy you love this story. Oh, and don't hate me for what's about to happen. *Hides in a corner.*
xxDarkSecretxx: I'm so glad I make your day. You really make mine by reviewing! It means so much to me. Thanks for reassuring me about my OCs. I hate them... but I love them. Lol, I make absolutely no sense.
TearsDrippingDown: I updated. :) Lol, I'm sorry this one wasn't that quick, but... there was a reason for that.
Mad Hatter Usagi: You get to see a little bit of Allen's family here. Thanks for saying that the Yullen in the last chapter was in depth. I was trying to have a different approach on how things happened, so it was nice to get that compliment. Allen switching over should make you nervous. Oh, and if Allen does merge with Neah, you have every reason to be nervous about that, too. Eep. You'll find out what happens in this chapter when the White Order reveals something crazy. Also, you'll find out what happens with Kanda.
AllenMoyashiWalker: I'm so happy you're enjoying this.
SnarkyWolf: I was hoping nobody would notice how odd it was. I guess it's cool that someone caught it. You'll find out why it's so... suspicious. Oh, and you're welcome for me punching Cross... I think somebody should have. xD Oh... you ask all the right questions. You'll see if Kanda stays with Allen in this chapter. Also, I hope the timeline above explained why Allen doesn't know about Alma.
metiko: It should look a little suspicious. Allen and Kanda were so sweet in the last chapter. Oh, and you'll see soon whether or not Kanda stays with Allen.
YourLuckyWish: YES! THEY DID! Yeah, even I was fangirl squealing about that... I'm such a geek. And you're welcome!
jasdevi's secret sissy: Yes, he is... Trust me, it's so weird to write.
AliceXxX: More is available!
Yullen3: Um... I've updated!
xFullmetalSoulx: That's interesting. I love going to the zoo. I'm glad you thought the Yullen in the last chapter was adorable. Jeez... you know, I guess I can't make anything easy for Allen...
silvereyes120: Thanks for your review. I love where this story is going, too. :)
Sarekkandarikulover: You'll see Lavi and Lenalee. Link... well, he's from Central, so... yeah. He wasn't involved. Nobody will fight, exactly, to keep Allen... Oh, and you also will see some brotherly bonding here. I'm glad you're happy with this story!
Nobody hate me for this! The Yullen is just so intense here.
Infection
Chapter 10- Hatred
The entire train ride was in heavy silence. Allen and Kanda hadn't said anything to each other since they got their own compartment. Kanda was still pissed off about earlier, and Allen was feeling miserable. He hadn't told Kanda that he wanted him to stay at the Black Order. It was clear to him that Kanda would hate the idea, but Allen wasn't about to back down. He didn't want Kana anywhere close to the White Order while he was trying to merge with the Fourteenth. If something went wrong, Allen couldn't ever forgive himself if he harmed Kanda in any way. No matter what it took, the white haired teen was going to keep him away, even if it meant hurting his feelings. It was for his own good, after all.
The train ride felt like an eternity, and Kanda still hadn't said anything to him. If it was going to be that way, fine. Allen didn't want to talk, either, because then, he could let his plan slip and give in to Kanda. The samurai was the young teen's ultimate weakness, he decided. It was dangerous to keep him too close.
Finally at long last, they arrived at the station.
"Oi, stupid apprentice," Cross said as they exited the train.
"What?" Allen grumbled, not wanting to talk to him.
"This is as far as I go," he said. "You take Timcanpy with you. I have an assignment to take care of."
Allen clenched his fists as he tried to control his anger. "You seriously let me believe you were going with us?" he asked, irritation laced in his tone.
"It's fun to mess with you," Cross said with his signature smirk.
It reminded him painfully of when Kanda told him the same thing. It only made what he was about to do worse.
"Get going, then," Allen said. "Just be careful."
"You too, stupid apprentice," Cross said genuinely before turning on his heels and disappearing into the trees.
Allen let a sigh loose as they all walked towards the Order. They all kept silent and on guard. The doors opened, and showed Komui, Lenalee, Lavi, and Bookman. "Welcome home, Allen!" Lenalee said, running up to hug him.
She stopped when Thomas stepped in front of Allen. "Thomas, it's okay," he said, resting a hand on his shoulder.
"Allen… what's going on?" Lenalee looked extremely confused. Her gaze flickered between the escorts, Allen, and Kanda.
The more the white haired teen thought about it, it made more sense for them to stay outside for this conversation. "I came to say goodbye," he said calmly. "I'm moving to the White Order, even if the Black Order brands me a traitor. They have knowledge I need. With them, I can learn to control the Fourteenth and his powers without losing myself… and that way, I can't hurt any of you."
Lenalee began to tear up, and Lavi stepped forward to reassure her. "Lavi," Bookman warned.
"Leave me alone, panda," Lavi said as he hugged her.
Surprisingly enough, Komui turned a blind eye. His gaze lingered only on Allen.
"You understand I can only do so much to protect you," Komui stated, crossing his arms.
"I know, Komui. Thank you. I'll see you again someday," he promised with a genuine smile. "I'm sorry I can't stay here anymore. I just don't want to see any of you hurt."
He told the guards to go back, and Komui and the others went inside. Soon, it was only Kanda and Allen standing together in the warm glow of sunset. Allen wished he was anywhere but there. "Kanda," he started. "Go inside the Black Order."
"No," the samurai answered immediately. "I'm going to stay with you."
"I don't want you to," Allen responded quickly. "I want to do this alone. There is no danger at the White Order for me, they're trustworthy. I need to be clear of any and all distractions. That means you." I hate this. Kanda's cobalt blue eyes stared at him with an unreadable expression.
"They aren't worth your trust. They are still hiding something," Kanda said, grabbing Allen's arms tightly. "You aren't that much of an idiot, are you?"
The white haired teen pushed him away roughly. "They aren't the only ones who are hiding something," he spat. I hate myself. "You haven't even said a damn thing about your past. You know everything about me, but yet, I don't know anything about you. How can I trust you when I know for a fact you don't trust me?" Allen looked into the samurai's eyes and saw nothing but bitter coldness in them.
"Fine. Go. When they betray you, you'll regret walking away," Kanda stated, gripping Mugen and walking back.
It hurt every fiber of Allen's being to watch him go. It was extremely painful for him because he knew that Kanda was hurt by what happened. It hurt so much that he had to hurt him. As he walked back towards the station, his heart hurt. Even if it had been for Kanda's own good, it really hadn't been for Allen's. Being alone again felt far worse than any of the times before it. Kanda was special, and Allen had to let him go to protect him. Perhaps Allen was condemned to die alone.
With a heavy heart, he made his way to the White Order with his team of escorts.
…
The first week was nice. Allen was allowed contact with his parents and met them in person. As it turned out, the little girl he met, Natasha, was his sister, and Chris was his brother. He spent time with them without talking at all to his parents. They looked genuinely sorry, but Allen didn't buy it. All he did was befriend his siblings because they had nothing to do with his abandonment.
The second week was when things got harder. Road paid a visit to the HQ and explained how to merge with the Fourteenth, more commonly known as Neah. She didn't stay long, and only told him to start going to the science lab regularly. During those daily lab visits, Gallamore tried to teach him how to tap Neah's memories and powers.
The third week was when things got complicating.
…
"Focus!" barked Gallamore's voice.
Allen sighed as he closed his eyes once more and relaxed on the hospital bed. He tried to call for Neah in his head any way he could… he tried focusing on the lyrics to the arc, he tried focusing hatred on innocence, he tried everything, but no matter what he thought of, somehow the samurai he hurt kept resurfacing. The image always derailed all thoughts about Neah and thwarted any attempt at merging.
These meetings were beginning to stretch on for hours and hours. They were more strenuous than Allen ever imagined. It was taxing on his mind to continuously call out for something he was terrified of… and the events that went down with Kanda weighed heavier than lead. He wasn't sleeping at night because of it, and Allen felt hopeless.
He was faking a lot more than he recalled ever doing. The loneliness was agonizing, and the growing darkness in Allen's soul should have made it easier on the Fourteenth to take control, but it wasn't. The Noah seemed even further away than before, ironically enough. When Allen finally had the nerve to suggest torture… he found out that's how the Noah swallows its host.
"Dammit, Walker, you're not trying hard enough!" Gallamore shouted at him. "Do you even really want to win? You've lost your fire! You aren't fighting for it, you aren't even attempting to connect with him!"
"I'm sorry," Allen stated miserably. "I can't do this. I'm destined to lose to Neah…"
"Where did your passion go? You are allowing yourself to die. Fight to live. Fight to see another day. Fight!" Phoenix said, slamming down his clipboard. He grabbed Allen's neck with one hand. "What happened to make you lose your hope? You were the one who asked for this, but now it seems like you're the last person who wants to be here."
As the hand on his throat eased, Allen said, "I don't know."
"Then you can pack your bags and go. You don't have any fight left in you, and if you won't explain why, then we have no use for you," he said harshly. Then his features softened as he added, "We want to help you, and you aren't letting us."
Allen's eyes stung, and before he knew it, he was sobbing and crying. "I left everyone at my home. They all probably hate me, and… to let one of them go, I had to lie and hurt them. I regret what I did so much, but they wouldn't let me go here otherwise. I know I need to do this alone, but… I hate being alone."
The older man just sighed as he hugged the young teen. "Thanks for finally opening up, Allen."
The young boy just cried and cried without letting up. The science chief decided to reassure and comfort him as best he could.
…
Kanda had been in the training room for twenty four hours straight now. Sweat dripped down his forehead as he sliced, jabbed, jumped, and punched. He didn't want to stop moving because he always thought of that damned beansprout whenever there wasn't something else on his mind.
The training room became his sanctuary. He spent all his time in there. He scarcely remembered to eat… he didn't even sleep. The samurai couldn't sleep at all because that's when thoughts of the fucking annoying white haired teen crept up and toyed with all of his emotions. It was so much easier not to care, not to think. Every time that door was opened, it took too much effort to close it back up.
When Kanda was sent out on missions, he didn't really talk to anyone. When he did, it was almost always an insult or a death threat. Nobody could ever get through to him, not even Lenalee. Practically everyone was heartbroken over what happened with Allen, but everyone was curious about Kanda.
Lavi, in particular, began to follow Kanda everywhere he went. When he decided to train in the woods outside of the Order, the stupid rabbit followed. He tried relentlessly to talk to him, get him to open up, but Kanda kept his mouth shut and ignored him. One day, when Lenalee went to talk to him, he decided to listen to what she had to say.
"Kanda… what did Allen say to you? I know you're deeply hurt by it. Don't try to lie and evade me… you know I know you better than that. So please, tell me what's bothering you so much. I can try to help," she said sincerely, looking at him with pleading eyes.
"He pushed me away, and that's all you need to know," Kanda said, looking anywhere but her. "I don't want to talk about what happened. You don't need to know," he had said.
That day had been the first day he spent entirely training. Since then, it became common for him to stay either outside in the forest or inside the training room. He avoided people like the plague, and only ate when he deemed it absolutely necessary.
He was starting to feel light-headed after he dropped his sword. The last time he ate had to be sometime the day before, but he didn't remember, exactly. Days all blended together when he did the same thing day after day. Instead of picking up his sword and heading to the dining hall, he laid down on the matted floor.
When he closed his eyes, memories of Allen appeared. He remembered how strange it was to read his mind, to have every thought be shared between them. It was burned in his memory, seeing him so scared when he woke up deaf. He couldn't help but remember how terrified Allen had been the night they returned from the mission only to see officials from the White Order. He remembered everything that happened while they were there until finally, pain filled his entire being as he recalled the words they parted on.
Allen wanted to go, and even if those words had been a lie, they hurt. It was incredibly more painful than anything he ever experienced… and he hated himself for it. Everything that happened, he hated himself for. There had been no way to keep Allen from the White Order. It was his choice, and Kanda would never take that away from him, no matter what. He knew what it was like to have everything set out for you.
That didn't mean he didn't hate it. Every second of the past few weeks, he was terrified something happened to the younger teen. He took out all of his frustrations on whatever was around him because that was the only way to let it go for a short amount of time. The training, the fighting, the physical activity always felt better, but ultimately didn't keep the feelings and memories at bay for long.
When they flooded back again, his mind showed him the worst case scenario… Allen completely gone and out of his grasp. A tear fell out of his eye as he imagined him as the Fourteenth. The thought of Allen being truly gone was more painful than any wound he could ever receive because now, he was too close. His heart had entered the battlefield at long last, and he wished that it never did.
Allen didn't want him around, which meant that his emotions were stuck there. He couldn't shove them away, he couldn't ignore them, they were there. As agonized as he felt, he knew that if Allen ever showed up, he would forgive him within ten seconds flat. It was so stupid, but he missed him.
Their kiss so many nights before still plagued him. It was such a wonderful moment when it happened, but now, it was as if it faded to black. It was only a painful reminder of what happened the next day.
Kanda needed to punch something. He needed to do something, anything to distract him from Allen. He stood, but the light-headedness became too much to bear, and he collapsed back down to the floor.
When he came around, he found that he was in the infirmary. The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was Komui's face, and that only worsened his mood.
"Kanda," he said with a sad seriousness.
"What?" the samurai grumbled back.
"Tell me what happened between you and Allen, now," he ordered. "I know there's something different about you two. Anything we talk about in here will be kept secret from Central."
Kanda looked up at the ceiling and thought about what he should do. In the end, he decided to just confess… Komui wouldn't leave him alone otherwise, and perhaps it would be better to talk to someone. "I don't know how to describe the relationship, Komui. Since the mission in Germany, Allen and I kept getting closer. We kissed once," he said, uncomfortable with the topic, but thankful he knew Komui wouldn't say anything.
"I see. So why did you come back? Why didn't you stay with him at the White Order?"
"He didn't want me to. He made up excuses and lies to leave," Kanda stated, trying to keep how hurt he felt from entering his tone.
"If you knew they were lies, then why did you let him go?" Komui asked, pushing his glasses up and leaning forward. "He could very well be in danger over there."
Kanda clenched his fists as he said, "He wanted to push me away. He succeeded. He proved to me that he was going to do anything to keep me away."
"He hurt your feelings. Kanda, you should do what is best for him," Komui said softly. "He may be in a very bad place because of what he did to you. You know him. You should go find him and make sure he's safe."
"You're suggesting I leave the Order?" Kanda asked with an intense gaze.
"I'm suggesting you go protect somebody you care about. That should be all that matters to you," Komui answered grimly. "You're Allen's only hope, you know. He needs someone who wants him for him and not the Noah inside him or the innocence embedded in his arm. He needs you."
"He doesn't want me," Kanda stated, wishing this conversation was over. Talking to Komui wasn't getting him anywhere. If anything, it was making it worse.
"And just how long are you going to hold that against him? Do you even know what Cross told him before he died?" Komui asked angrily.
"Yes. I do. He told me that he would have to kill someone he cares about if the Fourteenth took control," the samurai said with a dark gaze. "But that doesn't change the fact that he chose this."
"He's only worried about you. That's why he sent you away. You're just too stuck on the fact that he doesn't want you there to see just how much he does want you there," Komui said furiously. "I'm so sick of seeing him hurt. Aren't you?"
That struck a chord with Kanda. He stood up in a fit of rage and grabbed Komui's shirt. "Don't you dare ask me that. Of course I am! I just don't know how to help him when he pushes me away!"
"I'm telling you to go to him," Komui said, putting a hand on Kanda's. "He's suffered so much… don't make him endure this on his own."
"I can't go to him. This was his choice. I have to respect that," Kanda said, dropping Komui when he let go of his shirt. "If he shows up, I'll forgive him."
Komui just looked down. "I hope it isn't already too late." He left the room leaving Kanda so conflicted.
With a heavy sigh, Kanda left the room, too, and headed straight for the dining hall.
…
Allen laid down in his bed, tossing and turning. After his session with Gallamore, he felt better, but at the same time, worse. The one thing he knew was that he was exhausted, and wouldn't sleep. All he could think about was Kanda.
He continuously tossed and turned all through the night, thinking of the samurai in a half conscious state. When the sun rose through his window, he sat up and sighed. Kanda wouldn't appreciate him acting so pathetic. He needed to fight. After all, that had been a promise he made to Kanda. Allen wouldn't disappoint him. Today would be the day where he merged with Neah.
Quickly, he stood up and got dressed. He was given an onyx uniform the other day and was hesitant to wear it until now. He put on a black snug tank top and the battle-made black pants. Allen put on the jacket with black and silver silk lining. It had a hood and was customized to him. The uniform actually felt a bit better than the Black Order's had.
The cloak and mask that came with it were left inside his closet. He would only need those if he decided to leave the headquarters, which he found out was in Belgium. Feeling much better since he let things off his chest the other day, he walked to the room his family was in.
Quietly, he knocked a few times.
The door opened shortly, revealing his mother. "Hello, Allen," she said sadly. Her soft, curly red hair framed her face, and she looked very beautiful. Every time that same face greeted Allen, there was no denying she was his mother. She always looked sad whenever she saw him, like she regretted what happened to him.
"So Allen, would you like breakfast with us? Eric is already out, so it will just be me, you, and the kids. They're still asleep," Nadia said with a sweet smile.
"Uh… sure. Sorry, I didn't realize it was so early. Do you want some help?" Allen offered uncomfortably.
"That would be great," she replied.
Together, they worked on making a ton of scrambled eggs and ham. It didn't take long for Natasha to wake up to the smell of food, and she woke up Chris. For the most part, they all were very accepting of Allen. Natasha adored him, Chris seemed to enjoy his company. They all ate breakfast together, and for the first time in his life, Allen felt like he was a part of an actual family. The feeling was kind of nice, and he decided he could work on forgiving his mother, and eventually, his father.
"So what are you going to do today, Allen?" Chris asked as he grabbed for another piece of toast.
"I'm going to try and merge with Neah," he answered with a smile.
"Do you think you could help me train with my innocence before that, though?" he asked, glancing at his crossbow.
"I'll help you. Let's finish breakfast first, okay?" Allen suggested.
"No fair! Chris gets to spend all his time with Allen," Natasha pouted.
"Now, Natasha, don't be whiny. Allen's helping Chris with his innocence, okay? That's important," Nadia said, scolding her young daughter.
The sheer normalcy of the situation was weird for the white haired teen to deal with. Never before had he been at a family breakfast with people fighting for his attention. He finished his breakfast in silence. After he was done, he played with Natasha for an hour or so before heading to the training rooms with Chris for target practice.
Allen offered up all the help he could, but he himself used a sword, nothing that would require such an acute sense of aim. His advice was mostly out of guessing, but it still made Chris smile, so Allen was happy. He spent a few hours there before he knew he had to get to his appointment with Gallamore.
When he arrived at the room they usually met in, he heard something.
"—hasn't made any improvements," one unrecognizable voice said.
"He might get better," Gallamore said.
"So you've been saying. Look, if he doesn't merge with Neah, then we need to try to force him to take control. Tell him the truth about his parents… see if it puts enough internal turmoil to bring forth Neah," the voice said.
"How can you say that, Eric? You said you'd take him in as you're son. He doesn't need to know that his father is actually Neah…" Phoenix said, sounding desperate. "It could be why Neah's avoiding taking control. He doesn't want to harm his son…"
"I have no interest in trying to comfort Neah. He needs to take back control… of this Order, of the entire operation against the Earl, and of Allen's body," Eric, Allen's supposed father, said.
Allen couldn't accept what he was hearing. He ran the opposite direction from the room, not caring about how loud he was. The only thing he could think about was that Kanda had been absolutely right; they were definitely hiding something. His dad had been Neah all along… He didn't understand anything.
"Wait! Allen!" Phoenix shouted from behind him.
Using all his speed, he ran out of the White Order. His breathing was out of control, and rage filled him. He hated Kanda… he hated that he was right, that he was away, that everything was so fucking wrong.
When Allen ran into a forest to hide, he realized that it wasn't really Kanda he hated for this. It was himself. He hated that he trusted them, even when everybody told him not to. Allen wasn't the type to abandon anything, and he wanted so badly to give them a second chance. He hated himself for being so predictable, for being so vulnerable.
He didn't care if the lie was small… it was enough to prove to him that Kanda was always right. Thinking of Kanda brought back the world of pain he had been trying to get through.
Allen owed him an apology. It was about damn time he gave it, too, because Allen was such a fool. He still allowed himself to be a pawn for those people. There was only so much he could take, and it all came crashing down on him right then and there.
It was all his fault.
There was no one to blame anymore. He chose to go there in the first place, he chose to stay there, and he chose to leave Kanda.
Now he was left without a home and without anybody on his side. The deception, the lies, all of them had sucked him in while the truth hadn't. That was on him. He was utterly alone in this world. Maybe he was better off without anyone. Nobody was worth trusting.
Except Kanda.
Kanda hadn't told him he wasn't welcome to come back, but Allen didn't feel like he was worth it anymore. There was one thing left Allen needed to do. It was to apologize, but it was more than that... it was to release him of his promise.
The samurai would be so much better off without feeling obligated to him.
With a determined gaze, he opened up the ark. It took a lot more energy to summon it to him, but it worked. He stepped inside it and took the path to the Black Order headquarters.
When he got there, he had no idea what the hell he'd stepped into.
Okay, don't hate me. This story started out with a darker vibe, and I kind of wanted to get back to that. I would love to hear your opinions on this. Please review.