"Shepard?"

Leaning on her arm facing the fish tank, Shepard stood up with a start and looked at the door – before remembering it was locked. She heard Garrus clear his throat on the other side.

"Commander Bailey has given us coordinates of two areas Cerberus is still wreaking havoc."

Shepard latched her armor back on her frame and stepped into the bathroom, splashing water on her face. She halted when she saw herself in the mirror. Her hard suit was still bloody and blackened from the fighting. For a moment she felt as though she were looking at a stranger.

"… I know we can't stop right now. I know you need to, but maybe –" Garrus stepped back as the door opened.

"Where's the team?" Her expression was blank.

"I asked them to assemble in the shuttle bay." He handed her a data pad.

"Good." She looked over the details. "Is James okay?"

"Yeah," Garrus replied as they stepped into the elevator. "The doctor patched it up; he didn't lose too much blood, so he's good to go."

"Lucky," Shepard whispered, and fell silent as her throat tightened. She crossed her arms, and they stayed quiet as the elevator went down. The small group was waiting when the doors open, and stopped talking when they saw her. She briefly gritted her teeth before saying, "You should be ready. We don't get down time in this war. Cortez – prep the Kodiak for launch."

"Yes, ma'am."

Javik remained still as the others gathered their equipment in haste. Shepard stood with him and crossed her arms.

"The turmoil in you has grown." His head turned towards her. "How do you expect to survive what comes when so little causes such distress?"

Shepard clenched her jaw. Her eyes began to unfocus as she listened to the click and charge of hard suits and guns. The rage was trapped, magma between glass plates.

"There can only be death with the Reapers, and emotions are one of the weaknesses they prey upon."

"I'm aware of that," Shepard replied under her breath.

"They are hard, and you are soft. We are all soft, and they seek to crush us. It is their unifying goal. They create turmoil and you turn upon each other."

Shepard's head snapped to him, and their eyes met. Her words were a heated whisper. "I know the Reapers plan to kill us all. I don't know what Cerberus is doing, but I damned well know it's tearing us apart." She dropped her arms and cracked her shoulders back as she stood toe to toe with him. "You agreed to come aboard my ship, to follow my orders, and assist my missions. But every time you creep up my spine to whisper in my ear, it isn't helping. I don't need you - I don't need my crew breeding the despair that I am seeing everywhere we land. The Reapers are doing that well enough!"

Javik didn't speak right away, and maintained her gaze as the team moved past.

"It isn't as simple as shutting off that part of me. Of not caring. My life was peaceful once."

"Yes," he replied. "But many years ago. You have known suffering much of your life. More than the rest of these primitives."

"We are products of our environment. If I don't preserve my soul through this war, what will be left of me when we win?"

"You do not say that with conviction," he replied, and followed as she led the way to the docking port.

"There is doubt in everything we do. To live without doubt, to live without questioning your actions, your motives, your chances of success? That is living blind. And I know I can't afford to do that."

"Indeed."

Shepard stabbed a finger back towards her team. "I will give them my conviction, but I damned well won't serve you the same platitudes."

"You do not give them to the turian, either."

"No," Shepard said, and crossed her arms, waiting with her back to her team. "And if I try to, he sees through them."

"You speak of a soul. But this thing, it does not matter. Survival for us - for organics - is what matters. Morality has no place. It is evolution; it is change that must be sustained. It must have the chance to advance beyond this - and beyond the Reapers."

"I won't hesitate to die, Javik. I know what is required of me."

"That is a sentiment you believe."

"Commander Shepard?" EDI flanked them and clasped her hands behind her back, standing at attention. The others fell in alongside her. "We have not received word as to our mission."

"We'll be breaking into two teams to sweep through two sectors within the presidium where Cerberus soldiers have become stranded - and desperate. It appears the bulk of their fighting force withdrew when the assassin disappeared, but pockets remain and disturb the peace. Garrus, you'll be taking the Zakera maintenance junction with EDI and Liara. Javik, James - you're with me. I'll provide further information en route."

Liara furrowed her brow.

"Any questions, save them. We need this taken care of ASAP." She opened the door and they started down the security dock, before pulling up her omni-tool. "Use our secure channel, SVN 2, communication is still spotty. Garrus, keep me informed."

"You've got it, Shepard."

The silence dragged as they snagged a sky car and flew to the isolated power transfer station. Shepard's driving was unsafe but efficient, and they soon were setting down amidst enemy fire. Rifles charged, they deployed into cover and began to draw the fire from the pinned C-sec officers.

"Any plan of attack, Commander?" Vega asked, as scanned the field.

"Take them down without mercy," she said, before a biotic burst sent her into the fray. Their gunfire followed as her omni-tool lit and ripped into the Cerberus soldiers alongside her. She barrelled over another with a biotic punch that left the man hanging in the air, and turned to eviscerate the closest next to her, shattering the ephemeral omni-blade.

"Specialist Traynor has intercepted information regarding a hidden cell of ex-Cerberus scientists," Shepard said, leaning on the strategy table support. The display shifted to show the system. Her team was huddled close to the blue glow. "If the intel is good, these people could be one of the greatest assets we find for working on the Crucible."

"And the Citadel?"

Shepard blinked lengthily. Her eyes were dark, rimmed in fatigue. She stood up. "We won't go until I hear from Commander Bailey and the councillors – we need to slap down any further incursions before they start. Vega, EDI – I'd appreciate if you check in and offer assistance where needed. I'm waiting on the remaining councillors.

"But Cerberus is disorganized right now – they're hurting after the failed coup. So we need to find these scientists ASAP."

"Will do, Commander," Vega said with a nod and saluted.

"Dismissed," Shepard said, and her attention returned to the display as it bleeped for her attention. She scanned the reports as the crew filtered out, leaving just Liara and Garrus behind.

The asari stepped closer and spoke under her breath. "You can't just shut everything and everyone out, Commander."

Shepard's lips pressed in a line as her fingers danced over the haptic interface. Her eyes were rimmed in red, fine lines of fatigue deepening them.

"Shepard…"

"Don't I?" Shepard said, eyes flitting between her friends.

"You're only one person," Garrus replied from where he stood next to her. "What do you say – you're only human."

Shepard shook her head and leant heavily on the console once more, unwilling to look up from the display. "It isn't that easy."

"Damn it… I know. I know it isn't," Garrus replied with a sigh. "But you need to get some rest."

"I'll sleep when I'm dead."

His omni-tool blipped and he muttered a curse. He put a hand on her shoulder before hurrying to one of the nearby communication terminals.

Liara took another tentative step closer, and put her hand down beside Shepard's. "Do you?"

Shepard wearily lifted her head.

"Get any rest?"

Shaking her head, Shepard stood up and paced beside the display of the half-built Crucible as she spoke under her breath. "No. No, there's never any rest. I just…" She trailed off and stared at the holo.

"Jade - you cannot carry all the burdens of the galaxy."

"You think I don't know that?" Shepard took a quick step back towards Liara, her voice quiet fire. "You think I don't feel what it's doing to me? I have to carry it all, Liara, I can't just be human – I can't just be one person! I can't let it show when I'm out there!"

Liara's expression blanked. "I…"

"When I do, people die. When I don't smile and tell them we'll survive, when I don't give them hope – they die. Whether by gunfire or their own hand, they die because of me! Because I wasn't strong enough!" Shepard turned once more, pacing in the confined space. She tapped her chest. "They need me to be something more than human – people have been telling me for years that I am an icon. So that's what I have to be – that's what the galaxy needs!"

Liara stood immobile, at a loss for words.

"It doesn't matter what I need. This isn't about me." Shepard took a few steps back, glancing around as it dawned on her. They were staring - and it was too quiet. She looked between the soldiers working in the war-room, stopping at Garrus. For a brief moment, her expression crushed, before disappearing into a resolute mask. She backed towards the door, clearing her throat to say, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, none of you deserved that. Carry on with your duties, I appreciate all the time and heart you're putting into our efforts."

"Shepard, don't –"

"Please…" Shepard lifted a hand to silence Liara. "Let me know if you have intel on the scientists. I need anything you've got."

Liara nodded and whispered, "Of course. Anything."

Shepard hurried through the conference room and scarce nodded at the privates guarding the security checkpoint. Past the CIC and into the elevator, she was in the car before she exhaled roughly and righted her posture.

EDI's voice came over the comm.. "Shepard, I have contacted Commander Bailey. He has indicated that our help may be required in the future, but for now, C-sec has regained control of Citadel security."

"Thanks, EDI. Return to your normal duties."

"Of course, Commander."

Shepard closed her eyes, the tension behind them bleeding through her limbs and leaving knots in the muscles. She hit the elevator controls, and was in the hold before she looked up. She strode over to Vega's station and leant against the crates nearby, crossing her arms.

It was a moment before he looked up from the work he was doing at the desk. He didn't stop tweaking the rifle on his desk. "Hey."

"Seems Captain Bailey doesn't need you."

"Guess so," Vega glanced her way, before putting the tools in his hands down. "Guess we've got more important things to do, huh?"

"Yeah," Shepard said with a sigh, and looked through the cargo hold. Sparks flew where Cortez repaired part of the Kodiak.

Vega glanced between her and his bench, before closing the diagnostic program. "You need to chat or something?"

"No," Shepard said, still distracted. "I need something to hit."

"Oh, I see," Vega said with a chuckle, and cracked his shoulders back. "So you came to find a punching bag?"

Shepard closed her eyes a moment to compose herself, and stood up. "You're right. I need a shooting range."

Vega chuckled, and as she strode towards the elevator. "Aww, don't be like that - you can hit me anytime, Lola!"

When the elevator door closed on her, Vega's eyes swung to where Cortez had stopped working. He shrugged.

"You're an ass sometimes, you know that?"

Vega kissed the air and turned back to his work before calling out, "I thought that's what you liked about me?"

Shepard swept through the Normandy, scarce acknowledging any who vied for her attention. The numbness ebbed to a pain in her chest, something that left a tingle in her limbs and a pressure behind her eyes. She was out through decontamination and striding quickly across the docking back when she almost ran into someone.

"Commander Shepard," Kolyat said, as he put down the heavy case he had. "I was hoping to catch you before you left. Good."

"Really?" Shepard said, and smiled to swallow the choke in her throat. "That's sweet of you. I…"

"Wait." Kolyat waved a hand and hoisted the black case again, his fingers dancing around the edge as they sidestepped the other people in the dock. He cleared his throat. "You should take this."

"What is it?" Shepard quietly asked as she took the case. Laying it on the edge a nearby planter, she popped the lock and was about to open it when Kolyat laid his hand upon it to keep it closed.

"My father's weapons," Kolyat said under his breath, eyes down upon the case. "The rifle you gave him – he kept them after your mission together. He had them in storage."

Shepard visibly tensed, and clenched her jaw as she ran her hands over the curved corners of the case with a delicate touch. She sniffed in sharply and whispered, "You didn't have to do this."

"He would have wanted you to have them," Kolyat said, a rumble and strain in his throat. "I want you to."

Breathing deep to straighten back, Shepard put a hand on his arm as she looked at him. "You could come with us – we can always use able hands on the Normandy." There was a brief pause before she added, "It's safe there."

"I don't know much about ship travel," he replied, and glanced across the docks. "There's a lot more I can do here - with Bailey, with C-Sec."

Shepard squeezed his arm. "You do Thane proud by it."

Kolyat's eyes fell back down between them, and Shepard's strayed to the case. Her hand still lay upon it. She closed the latch, and moved awkwardly, running her other hand up his arm to rest on his shoulder.

"Don't be a stranger?" she quietly said. "If you ever need anything – anything at all – find me. I'll be here for you. I'll do anything I can, Kolyat."

"I will," he said, and met her eyes.

Shepard strong armed him into a quick hug, before she hoisted up the case. "I have to go. But I'll be in touch, okay?"

"Of course," Kolyat said, jerking a step or two back. "I – I didn't mean to keep you."

"You didn't," she said, and motioned with the case. "And if you change your mind about coming aboard –"

"I won't," Kolyat said, and his hands settled behind his back. "I have a duty here to keep. They need me, now more than ever."

"Good man," she said, a crack in her voice the only break of her restraint. She forced a closed lip smile and pulled him into an awkward embrace, before tucking her head down and escaping.

Shepard tipped the bottle and let the blue liquor sear a chill all the way into her gut. She had time. Probably more productive than pacing on the ship. She took another drink and set it aside, and the clink of the bottle echoed in the quiet of the Spectre shooting range. Licking the citrus burn off her lips, she ran her hands over the unassuming black case before opening it.

She had always been jealous of the care Thane took with his guns. While she imagined herself proficient, his memory allowed him to handle, clean, and modify them with an accuracy she could never hope to match.

He was a better shot than her too – at least as a sniper. She could shoot better than most with almost any gun admittedly, but his ability with that had impressed her too. She was an iron sight. He had been something more. Meticulous. A perfectionist in his art – the tools to maximize his efficiency, he would have said.

The rifle assembled quickly and extended silently. He had told her once that was the first thing he did with any gun he planned to keep – it needed to be as quiet as him, else it would be of no use. She could remember the night well, alone in the cargo hold at all hours, the ship filled with tension as their suicide mission loomed closer. Before the crew had been taken – before everything had started to fall apart.

Shepard popped a new sink in and settled down at the range, moving the target farther away. Her movements sounded clunky and awkward – something he never had been. Her throat tightened, and as the target moved, she grabbed the bottle and drank the rest.

But then, who was she kidding? Everything had fallen apart a long time ago. How could she have seen then where it would go? Life was moments. Someone else with better sense had said that.

The bottle clanked as it rolled off the bench. It went ignored as Shepard butted the rifle into her shoulder and set her eye against the sight. The rifle's stabilizers kicked in to compensate for the wobble in her hands – but it didn't help her blurring vision. It didn't matter. Details didn't matter. She exhaled and aimed up on the oblong, black figure on the target, firing as her body stilled.

Her omni-tool flickered, the blips silenced. It didn't matter who needed her right now.

He'd appraised her ability when they'd spent time shooting, one day. After they'd come back through the relay. It made him smile – smiling because he had improvements for her.

She fired again, reloading quickly to steady her breath, exhale, and pull the trigger.

He had tricks that no N7 trainer had even thought of.

The more I know, the better I become. The better weapon, the better person. I have never shied from any knowledge I could find. Though in the end, I am not certain if that is a regret or not.

Shepard fired again, before standing up and knocking the recall on the target. She hoisted the rifle, but wavered when she moved, a wave of dizziness through her. She huffed and half-laughed at herself, but there was no smile on her face as she collapsed the rifle and laid it reverently back in the case.

Siha.

Could she even give it up? Or would it just sit in the case, locked away in her quarters where no one could touch it until the Reapers destroyed them all? It was better that way. Better if no one saw, no one knew, protected within the sleek, black, case. Impenetrable.

Shepard leaned heavily on the case, huffing as she choked back a cry. She laid her fingers over the SMG, and missed the door opening at the back of the firing range.

"Pretty good place to come hide."

Shepard huffed and bit away her breath, unmoved from where she gripped the case, steeling her joints to keep herself upright. "Not good enough, it seems."

"Guess not," Ashley said as she took a few tentative steps forward. "I thought to come thank you for not shooting me, back there."

"Wouldn't be the first time I didn't," Shepard replied, a subtle slur in her words. She closed the case and snapped it shut, sniffing in sharply as she stood upright. "But you didn't come here for that. What can I do for you, Williams?"

"Don't worry about me. You're the one everyone's worried about" she said, and took another step closer. "Thane spoke very fondly of you, you know."

"Don't," Shepard said, a shudder in her voice as her head hung down. She closed her eyes tightly. "Please."

"Okay," Ashley replied, and shifted her weight. "We've been through a lot. I just… wanted you to know I've still got your back, okay?"

Shepard's head hung heavier as her senses swam again. It'd been a challenge to get herself drunk since her rebuild, but the liquor was strong enough. And she drank it fast enough. It effaced just enough, it dulled just enough.

"Commander?"

"Please," Shepard whispered, bracing her arms on the case. "I need to be alone."

"I'll leave a message for you," Ashley said, nodding as she back-pedalled. "Things to talk about, right?"

Shepard nodded, grief robbing her of words. She didn't move as the door cycled and left her alone. She sunk to the ground, clattering amidst empty bottles as hot tears wet her cheeks.