Rating: T for sensuality...sort of.

AN: Dear readers...I am sorry about this. I did warn in the beginning that there would be crack. And here is some of it. First bit of possible crossovers that might pop up in this story, one way or another. If you know the references in this, then congratulations, and again I offer my apologies.

Pleasedon'thurtmekthnxbai.

It was a full tavern, shiny and glistening in ways that Fenris had never seen…but he took it all in stride, ignoring the smoke that filled the air as he watched the dancer and singer on stage.

Hawke offered him a coy wink, looking ravishing in a tight fitting red and gold dress that shined like diamonds. "Anything goes, Buster," she crooned at him.

The room exploded in an array of red and gold, and Fenris found himself in a small bedroom, standing toe to toe with Hawke. He munched on an apple, trying to look unfazed as she stood before him with a platter of fruit. He was wearing…something brown, and she was wearing a shimmering robe, though it was dull in comparison to the red necklace she was wearing.

"Do you wear your jewels to bed, Hawke?" he asked lightly.

"Of course," Hawke said, nibbling on a grape. She offered him a blunt look. "And nothing else."

He blinked.

"Does that shock you?"

"Nothing shocks me," he huffed, taking another bite. "I'm a doctor."

"So as a doctor, you do research?"

"Always," he affirmed.

"So what sort of research would you do on me?"

Fenris paused for a moment, chewing thoughtfully before swallowing. He removed the bifocals he was wearing, and offered her an intense look. "Nocturnal activities."

She offered him an innocent look. "You mean like what sort of cream I put on my face, my favorite position to sleep in?"

Enough!

"Mating customs," he drawled.

"Love rituals?" she asked, leaning closer.

"Primitive," he purred. "Sexual practices."

"So you're an authority in that area?" she breathed, leaning in closer, her lips nearly touching his-

He was choking, being choked by wire around his neck, and she was still yelling at him from across the hall-

"I could have been your greatest adventure…"

He elbowed his attacker in the gut, swung around-

"KALIMA!" Fenris bellowed, reaching out and ripping his enemy's heart out, offering it up to the goddess amidst the droning chanting of the faithful-

"Oh Fenny," Hawke giggled, leaning in to kiss him- and instead screeched in his face as they were both drenched in water from an elephant.

"Oh my," mini-Merrill cooed, clapping her hands as she sat astride the animal. "That was rather humorous."

Fenris awoke with a start, sitting up in bed and looking around quickly, assessing his surroundings.

He was in Varric's suite, seemingly having collapsed on the dwarf's bed after a night of gambling and drinking with the group.

He yawned, stretched, and rolled out of bed.

"Mmm, sweet thing, come back to bed," an all-too-familiar voice purred.

Fenris froze, and then slowly turned to look back, eyes widening in horror as he realized, quite suddenly, that he and his bedmate were naked.

Anders beamed up at him, and winked.

Fenris awoke again, this time with a bloodcurdling shriek.

"I didn't know you could reach that pitch, Elf," a deep voice said, and Fenris whirled to stare wildly at Varric, who was in his normal seat at the table.

"Are you a dream?" he asked warily, reaching down to his thigh and pinching himself. "Ouch."

"Some women would think so," Varric said easily. "Probably has to do with my smooth moves, pleasing tongue, and of course the chest hair."

"Oh thank the Maker you are the real Varric," Fenris sighed, falling back with a thump onto the bed.

"Dreams?"

"Yes, then a nightmare. I thought I had awoken from the dream, but instead it was another dream, this one rather horrifying."

"What could make a stoic, hard-core warrior like you screech like a little girl?" Varric asked, obviously entranced.

Fenris grunted. "I dare not repeat it, lest the universe is torn asunder by such an atrocity being voiced."

The dwarf let out a chuckle. "Who did you end up in bed with?"

Fenris didn't answer, and he stormed out of Varric's suite, past a cooing Isabella, and out of the Hanged Man.