Dinner date
At 7:05 pm Jane stood at the entrance of the restaurant, slightly out of breath and shivering although the heating was more than adequate inside. After checking on the reservation list, the maître smiled and pointed at a secluded table at the end of the restaurant.
She gingerly walked towards Maura, who was busy reading the menu. Her mouth dried up, and her heart threatened to burst the vein in her neck. She wiped her hands along the sides of her legs as she reached the table.
Maura raised her head and her eyes shot wide open.
Jane felt her face burn when Maura's eyes travelled from her face to her high heel shoes and up again.
Maura's mouth closed only to have her right eyebrows and smile that Mona Lisa smile of hers. "You look… gorgeous. And I love this blue dress. It really suits you; you should wear it more often." Maura's casual tone belied the less friendly thoughts and reactions she was having.
The giddiness forced Jane to sit less elegantly than the short dress would have required. She smiled, suddenly feeling grateful for wearing a sleeveless dress. It was way too hot inside the restaurant. She was surprised that Maura hadn't explained the maître that the recommended temperature for heating was 70 degrees, to avoid unnecessary damage to the… She stopped, realizing she was paraphrasing Maura in her head. This is going too far.
"Sorry I'm late." Jane shuffled in her seat, trying to get the skirt not to ride up too much.
Maura had one elbow on the table, her fingers resting on the underside of her chin. "Five minutes is fashionably late. I was too early, since I did not change." Maura's lips curved upwards, her eyes bright.
"Well, the gray jacket had brand new stale coffee stain on it, and the other gray jacket wasn't nicer than the stained one."
"Your hair looks nice like that. Love the earrings."
Jane gave her a coy smile, self-consciously touching her earring.
Maura had appraised and complimented her many times before, but Jane felt that this time her words had a new backdrop that threw a complete different spin on them.
Or am I just imaging it? Maura hasn't changed clothes. It's me who went overboard, dressing up, make up and every date prop. Wait. Am I on a date? I kissed Maura not once, but three times. She said that a date wasn't what she had in mind. She just wanted to talk.
Jane realized with a sinking feeling that it didn't feel like a date. It felt like her first date ever, but she may have read all the signs wrong. The throbbing on her forehead started to push hard.
"Jane?"
"Hm?" The headache made the low lights seem impossibly bright.
"If you feel uncomfortable we can leave now, if you want." A note of sadness tinged Maura's voice.
Jane felt a pang of shame. She was behaving like a silly schoolgirl, not like the tough detective she was supposed to be. And across the table was her best friend, sitting with her at a nice restaurant, about to have dinner together like dozen other times. She took a deep breath and forced herself to relax, to stop and remember she was with Maura. It was safe.
She eventually smiled and shook her head. "No. I'm fine. And I'm hungry." She instantly regretted having to lie twice, but hoped that saying it aloud would make it true. It was a good way of focusing all thoughts on something other than her own stupidity. And also, being honest, she did not want to leave.
"Thanks for the English Menu." She forced a grin, and the forced gesture became true when she found an echo in Maura.
"Well, technically, it is half English, half Japanese, but I'm sure it'll do." Maura opened the menu and scanned it, completely at ease. "So, what do you feel like having?"
Jane's stomach needed some time to wind down so, as much as she liked Japanese, she didn't feel fit to make any decent choice. "You choose. A bit of everything we like, I guess? We can share, as always."
"Good idea." Maura gestured the waiter with a small nod of her head, and placed the order. "Tell me about the case. Any progress?"
The word 'case' relaxed Jane completely; it made her feel in control again. As she told her about the interrogations and her suspicions, the plates started rolling and conversation flowed as easily as any other time together.
By the end of the meal, Jane felt placid.
But as they were waiting for the tea a heavy silence fell on the table. She knew the time had come to address it.
The room suddenly warmed up again, the dress itched, and the shoes were too tight. The napkin was fortunately made of cotton; otherwise, after passing through Jane's fingers, it would have ended as a shredded line of fluffy paper.
Jane knew Maura was looking at her, but she couldn't look up. She didn't feel ready to talk openly about feelings, but she knew she had to. She had tried to work through it on her own, only managing to come up with a headache and another circle of new questions. The frustration killed her. She needed her friend, but fear was choking her. Her mind dictated her words, gestures, but nothing would come out of her mouth.
The young waiter brought the teas and Jane stared at her steaming cup in silence, stirring it endlessly, feeling her nerve ebbing way with each turn of the spoon.
Maura sat quietly, running her index finger along the side of her glass. She didn't know for how long she could resist the urge to hold Jane's hand, the urge to get up and hold her, make her feel safe. Seeing Jane like this reminded her of the first days after Vania's shooting. She ached to see her trapped inside herself, a cry far from the witty, self-assured brassy detective she usually was.
She didn't want to push Jane into talking, but they were two grown adults and they had to face up to things. And as best friends, they had to do it together. As bad as she considered herself to be with live humans, the urge to regain a sense of normalcy with her best friend gave her the strength to lead them through whatever path awaited for them.
Suddenly, she had a wonderful idea.
"Jane?"
"What?" Jane looked up and forced a smile.
"You know I am a lot better with dead people."
Jane nodded, puzzled.
"I pride myself of making them speak through me." Maura spoke with the same satisfaction she got after concluding a particular difficult autopsy.
Jane arched her brow. "Okay." She nodded, quickly shifting to a gentle head shake. "Yes, I am not following you at all."
Maura pursed her lips, and shifted her shoulders, as if the movement would reorder her thoughts. "Don't get upset, but given the amount of interaction we are having right now, and your, albeit temporary, inability to speak words, I am inclined to feel I am dealing with one of my cases. Which is, in fact, not a bad thing." She gave Jane a smug grin. "I can have you talk through me."
Jane's mouth fell open, aghast. This was by far the weirdest thing Maura had ever said. Ever.
Maura shook her head, offended. "Don't look so shocked. I am really good at making people who can't talk tell a story. You can't talk, so what's the difference?" To Maura, this logical conclusion was solid, useful and ingenious.
Suddenly Jane realized Maura might have a point. They had come here to talk, and she hadn't been able to say anything that wasn't food or work related. This was Maura at her weirdest, but this insane idea made complete sense in the context of a very weird situation.
"Fine. As long as you don't slice me open, or probe me with your knife, I'm game. What do I have to do? Take my clothes off and lie on the table?"
Maura blushed briefly, but then sat up on the chair almost bouncing with happiness. "Actually, you just need to nod or shake your head. If you feel like overextending yourself and utter a Yes or No, you may. "
Jane pressed her lips together suppressing a laugh. Maura was weird, but also absolutely adorable.
"Okay. Let's start with an easy one. Is the tea still hot?"
Jane shook her head.
Maura wagged her shoulders, flashing a smug smile. "Good. Next one is easy too. Did you have enough to eat?"
Jane nodded, suppressing a smile.
"Very good. Okay, let's move on. Do you want to leave now?"
Jane looked into Maura's eyes for a few seconds, and shook her head. Her pulse started to pick up its pace.
"Are you feeling uncomfortable?"
Jane swallowed and nodded.
"Am I making you uncomfortable?"
Jane smiled, doubting for a second. She shook her head.
"Are you afraid?"
Jane closed her eyes and moved her head down, biting her lip. She felt again like a schoolgirl, sensing a lump on her throat getting bigger by the second. After a few beats she nodded, still without looking at Maura.
"Are you afraid of losing our friendship?"
The lump pushed up and Jane felt a surge of powerlessness and frustration she could not stop. She nodded again, biting her lip harder.
Maura leant over, and spoke almost in a whisper. "Are you afraid of letting this go on, only to find out that it is not what you really want?"
Jane looked at Maura, and couldn't stop her eyes from welling up. She didn't have to nod. The runaway tear spoke for her.
"Do you want me to stop?" Maura's voice was deep, slow, burning into Jane. Her eyes were warm like a hug, one that Jane wished she could get or give right now. She wiped the tear, swallowed while Maura held her with her eyes.
"No". The sound of her own voice, broken and huskier than ever, startled Jane.
"Do you want us to stop? Maura's eyes were pleading but determined.
Jane knew that if she said 'yes', it would be all over. She knew that Maura loved her enough to put it all away, whatever 'all' was, so they could be just friends, whatever the cost. She looked at Maura's lips, and she felt her heart coming back to life. She wanted to kiss her.
Her eyes slid lower, focusing on the skin on her neck, her shoulders, and remembered how her good feeling Maura's skin had felt last time they had embraced. It had felt good, really good.
Her eyes continued their downward path, reaching the skin showing beyond the V formed by Maura's dress, and the swell of her breasts. She felt a twinge of panic, realizing she was staring at Maura's breasts, fully aware of what that meant. She blinked twice when she realized that her staring was affecting Maura too; her breathing seemed to have accelerated, judging from the rapid up and down shifting of her breasts. Her face burned up, deeply embarrassed, but also feeling a new, unforeseen urge. She closed her eyes waiting for both panic and physical reaction to subside. Taking a deep breath, Jane looked up.
Maura was biting her lip, her brow slightly furrowed, her eyes almost black. This was Maura at her most vulnerable, hanging from Jane's every gesture and movement, and yet, holding up with a strength Jane truly envied. She seemed timid, sexy, cuddly, and fierce, all at once.
She's so beautiful… Jane felt a surge of something that was not arousal; it was deeper, stronger, scarier.
Do you want us to stop? The echo of Maura's words made Jane realized that she was still owed an answer.
How can I possibly fight this? She hoped she would be able to make go away the permeating sense of weirdness; a feeling present every time she felt like falling into Maura's lips, or thought about their kisses, or even saw an income text message from her.
Jane found herself helplessly moving in the only possible direction.
Maura was trembling, enduring what seemed an eternity, waiting for Jane to answer. She was struggling to fight what felt like a particular strong case of orthostatic hypotension, even thought she hadn't moved a muscle.
The rush of blood to her head almost deafened her, but she didn't need to hear when she saw Jane mouthing, "No, I don't want us to stop," followed by a tiny shake of her head and a scared, timid, happy smile.
Maura's hand, free from the restrain of overwhelming emotions, moved over the table, landing gently on Jane's. She took a deep breath, concentrating on regaining her equilibrium. "I'm also scared, Jane. I'm terrified. But I love you, no matter what."
Jane nodded, and squeezed Maura's hand. "Please tell me you are not always this mushy." Jane grinned, exorcising the panic with the facetious remark, even if her voice was broken and barely audible. "I don't do mushy."
Maura laughed, exhaling the pent up tension. "So you say, my friend. Keep saying it, and you may even end up believing it."
Jane grunted. She stole a look around the room; it was empty except for them and the maître busy writing something at the desk by the entrance. She then looked at their joined hands and gently caressed Maura's palm with her thumb, feeling her heart move from her chest to her throat.
"I feel like a klutz." Jane chewed her lip, eyes following Maura's fingers as they gently played with her own.
"You are adorable, Jane." Maura squeezed her hand, shocked at her mouth's inability to stay shut.
Jane rolled her eyes, but inside she felt mushy, girly, giddy. Her mouth jumped in, holding her strong. "Hm. Korsak would actually pay to see this. I'd never hear the end of it."
They maître appeared at the table, and Jane tried to pull her hand away. Maura grabbed it firmly, and smiled to the nice young man.
"This is our finest sake. Courtesy of the house." The waited smiled knowingly before dipping his head curtly. "Ladies." He turned around leaving Jane mortified.
"Sorry, Maur. I," Jane shot her an apologetic look. "I'm not used to PDAs, you know. Even less-" She cleared her throat while she tried to find the right words.
"It's okay, Jane. I once read this really interesting piece on how fear conditions the mind to build an scary alternate reality, when reality may be, in fact, less scary that what our minds has led us to believe."
Jane shook her head. "Is there anything you have not read, Maura? Really? You're such a dork. An adorable dork, but still a complete dork"
Maura flushed at the word 'adorable', and gave Jane's hand a little squeeze.
"I have not read how to do this we are doing, Jane." She gave a little sideways shake with her head. "Well, I did do some reading, but there is no manual for this." Maura took a deep breath. "It is a rather daunting situation, and yet, somehow, all I need to do is look at you and everything is just… Fine." She shrugged. "The rest we will figure it out as we go."
"But," Jane shook her head, now playing with Maura's fingers. "How can I just," She snapped the fingers of her free hand. "Switch sides like this. I mean, I never, ever even consider this even possible. I'm not a-"
Maura cut her short, softly but firmly. "Jane, look at me." She held the big, brown, scared eyes with all the love she could muster. "This is just you and I, here and now. No labels, no sides. All that it matters is how this feels. How we feel."
"Maur?" Jane winced playfully. "Mush alert."
Maura rolled her eyes, mockingly offended. Zesty Jane made Maura breathe more easily.
"So… " Jane took a deep breath. "Now what?"
"Now we fight, as usual, over who pays the bill."
"Oh, nice one." Jane laughed, feeling lucky to have Maura by her side.
A/N: This chapter was one of the hardest to write, and your feedback is just what I need to keep pushing on. So please don't go without saying hi and let me know what did you think of it!
Happy New Year!