Richard Grayson.
I shouldn't have let this happen. I should have listen to my intuition and forbade this party in the first place. We could have had some nice, clean fun, without any alcohol. But no, I had to relax. I had to loosen up my nerves. I had to prove to myself that I could let go sometimes. I had to get the failure of last night out of my mind.
Now, as I stood woozily, I realized tonight had been the worst idea of my life. If it hadn't been for the vodka, I wouldn't be trying to chase after Raven.
The shock of learning I was falling for her was dulled significantly in my drunken haze, and I was mildly surprised I could think at all.
All I could think of was the sound of her heavy breathing as she kissed him, and the crushing punch I was going to land on his jaw. The earth moved and I fell onto Cyborg. His huge hands pulled me upright, a determined look on his face as he marched over to the hallway, dragging me along by the shoulder.
He was almost as concerned as I was.
Suddenly Raven latched her lips over Aqualads, her hands coming up to his shoulders. They snaked around his neck, as she used them as leverage to pull herself closer. My heart sunk, to the pit of my stomach. I wanted to throw up, and pass out at the same time. Her thick violet hair was being twisted up in his disgusting hands, as was her thin cotton shirt, revealing her pale luminous back. I could see the bumpy and symmetrical line of spine under her skin. They wouldn't stop breathing. In and out, in and out.
I stared in shock, noticing for the first time how curvy and lithe Raven was, how her hair fell over her shoulders in tangles, how exotic her skin was.
I had contemplated this before, in the dark at night, while I waited out the time between looking for Red X all day and getting up to start looking for Red X all day. When I imagined what it would be like to brake the mold and go for Raven instead of Starfire, to have meaningful conversations instead of sappy ones, to have a whole mountain, instead of a handful, literally. But I had never acted on it. I had always assumed she would be there.
Raven wrapped her sculpted legs around his thighs, and he dipped her back. She gasped a little, and swung her curtain of hair around.
I felt angry. I wanted to kill someone, to strangle him. But I couldn't move. I shouldn't have had that last shot.
I dragged my hands across the cold wall to keep myself steadied. I was trying to keep my head on straight, so I could reach the two faster. With a numb sense of disbelief, I realized Ravens shirt was lying on the ground. Then I saw her back, bare except for the tinniest strip of black material, held together by two small silver clasps. A dark tattoo of a soaring bird facing down was watching me from her lower back. Aqualads thumb was hooked around the waistband of her sweatpants, revealing her curved hip bone. Her arms were around his neck, and she had him up against the wall. Their features were blurred, whether it was my vision or how fast they were moving.
Suddenly I started to see double, and then their were two sets of Raven and Aqualads. I saw identical Cyborgs pull Raven away from Aqualad, and then shove him up against the wall, in a very different way then Raven had. Raven stumbled shakily into the wall. She collapsed next to it, giggling, her barley covered boobs bouncing slightly with the movement. Her cleavage was deep enough to drown in. Aqualad looked around groggily, like he was confused.
"What the fuck do ya think y'all doin' man?" Cyborg demanded. Aqualad just looked at him like he was a ghost. Cyborg huffed and shoved him up against the wall once more, harder this time, and went over to Raven, swiftly picking up her shirt off the floor in a motion that made my head spin.
"Rae! Get up." He groaned, his eyes sweeping over her giggling body in a way that made me glad he considered her a sister. He would never do anything, but he was still a man. He shook his head as if to clear it, which I didn't blame him for.
"Hey, Cy!" she protested when he tried to lift her up. She did nothing to help, letting her legs be a dead weight. But Cyborg was still able to lift her feather weight with ease.
She attempted to punch him, while he grimaced and I stood there against the wall like an idiot.
She looked amazing while she was fighting him, a lioness. Her furiously beautiful face perfect. I felt the anger and jealousy return when she turned around to look for Aqualad.
I was jealous. I wanted her for myself. I wanted her like I wanted to catch Slade, like I wanted my family back.
Aqualad was still standing next to the wall, unprotected. Without thinking, I lurched over to him and threw my fist at his eye. I wanted it to be blacker than the deep sea he lived in. Tomorrow, I was going to dump some motor oil in his precious ocean for a bonus. I would make up for the economic repercussions by sponsoring some African children. I was off my face, but still responsible.
Raven Roth.
I was upset. I wanted to escape from Cyborgs strong arms.
"Let go!" I cried out, ignoring the resounding thump that almost distracted me. My light and airy feeling was speedily becoming one of severe unhappiness, changing like the tides. It was irrational, as if I were PMSing, but that wasn't it.
I was just generally in pain. There was something I needed to know, something knowledge was trying to tell me but the other emotions were blocking out. I needed to know! What was it?
Damn it. I almost had it, and then it slipped away. Where were those arms that had held me a second ago? Another thing I didn't know.
Kiss Cyborg! Lust ordered me. I recoiled, a bit of myself finding a way back into my shell of a mind. Cyborg was my brother, not my lover.
"Jesus Rae! Calm down!" He muttered. I felt a surge of irritation with this. It was cold. Something was missing, something I had before I was even in those arms. Ah, my shirt. Oh well, the body is a beautiful thing. "Think of…uh." He searched. "Jared" he whispered.
Snap.
That asshole! The blood in my veins had been replaced with fire. It was burning through them, singing me! I needed to do something!
The fire was made of memories. And I was drowning in them, like my father had banished me to hell.
Because hell was not made of fire. When you are dead, fire can't kill you. It can only cause you pain, which is only brain waves. When you are dead you don't have a brain. Therefore no physical pain. Only the emotional pain of memories.
I had to get rid of it.
With strength I hadn't known before, I pushed him off. And Grabbed his phone out of his pocket.
I punched numbers in, using my sense of touch rather than my sight, which was unreliable. They were familiar to me, not from the frequency of use, but from the importance behind the few times I did use it.
I felt a rush of confidence.
I was hot. I was smart. I was hot.
"Hey J!" I drawled into the phone, while Cyborg watched me wearily. I tripped over my own foot and steadied myself against the wall. "Just want to let you know that I am here FUCKING Aqualad. It's also your fault." I lamented, slurring my speech unintentionally. I frowned, this was not how I wanted to sound. It unsettled me more than what I was saying.
I continued after a pause. "Go steal a fucking clue, if you're so talented!" Cyborg tried to rip the phone out of my hand.
"You'll regret this later. Even though I have no idea what your saying." he said gently.
The demon in me hissed and snatched her phone back.
"Jesus Rae, Calm down!" Cyborg said with wide eyes, surprised that I was swift enough to get it back from him. I groaned.
"Undeux sikelel si moana" I muttered fiercly at him in Azarathian. he blinked. I paused to gather my spinning head. I shouldn't talk so loud. I moaned. Translating my own speech was so difficult right now.
"I have to go." I said suddenly, as another clenching pain took over my body. My throat was aching. My head was twirling like a baton and the metal picture made me feel nauseous…
Jared Wilson.
I hit my knee in frustration. My phone had started ringing, I spotted the caller ID as Raven, and then this fucking machine died. I had been wating for a sign of life from her all day, and when I finally get it, it dissapears. Class today had been hell, trying to concentrate on buisness models when I kept seeing her horrified face in my head. My professer threatened to kick me out.
This phone was supposed to be an advanced form of technology, but forget to charge it one night and you had hell to pay the next. I slammed the charger into the slot, and watched patiently as the screen lit up, and the brand name flashed across it.
One message in inbox. I growled and clicked on the call button to get to my mail box.
"You have..one message." A female voice said slowly, enounciating every sylabble, only serving to irritate me further.
Then I heard a deep, heavy, yet feminine breathing. It was followed by static.
"Hey J!" Ravens voice burst out. I cringed, something was off. she was never this happy to talk to me, even when she thought i was perfectly respectable. But it couldn't be…
There was a muffled 'Oomph!" and then some more heavy breathing as Raven brought her lips back to the phone. "Just wanted to let you know," she drawled, and I had that dark, sinking feeling. She was drunk. "That I'm here FUCKING Aqualad. Also, it's your fault." she stated headily into the receiver. I let out a breath. and then I was pissed.
She wouldn't. she couldn't. she was a virgin! Wasn't she? fuck it, I had always assumed...
She paused. "Go steal a fucking clue, if you're so talented!" she spit.
No, I loved you. I thought bitterly. That'il teach me from now on. She was still a virgin wasn't she? Maybe she was, when she left the call, maybe now, five minutes later, she wasn't. Maybe if I had charged my phone I could have caught her and talked her out of it. I heard Muttering in the background. My suspicions were confirmed when I heard more moving on the other end of the line. Raven hissed.
"Jesus Rae, calm down!" a breathlessly deep voice muttered.
And then she groaned. I froze. The sound was like music. I had heard it before. It was etched into my brain tissue like a scar. I would never forget it as long as I lived, no matter how pumped up I was.
"Undeux sikelel si moana" she muttered softly, sounding like a caress. her native tongue, one that she had nver spoken to me. The language was fluid and graceful, like a combination of french, spanish, italian, and Zulu. I wanted to rip my brain out, so I didn't have to hear what was coming.
She moaned. I wanted to plunge my fist through the phone and strangle her to stop the sound coming out of her lips again. It was torture. Pure pain, undiluted by my usual swagger. This cut me. At least, I never wanted it to come out unless she was with me. Why had I assumed she was so innocent? Because she was a hero? I should have known that being a hero meant nothing. all of the titans were assholes, all of the justice leuge were too. Heros were just criminals with a slightly larger conscience and self-esteem issues.
"I have to go." Raven said suddenly, as she remembered I was on the other line. I listened to the dead line for a second, and let the emotions inside of me mix.
I threw the piece of space-age technology at the wall. It smashed into plastic, worthless pieces. I punched the plaster for good measure.
The force of impact did nothing to calm me. My head was somewhere above me, with my dignity. I had to do something. I collapsed onto my old couch, digging the heel of my hand deep into my eyes, trying to pull my face off. Some kind of physical pain would make a nice balance.
That….I couldn't say it. I couldn't bring myself to name call her, even in my mind. This was what was so frustrating. So confusing. She was doing the unthinkable, right now, and called to tell me all about it.
I was supposed to be the bad one! Granted, I was no angel, but...she was Raven. This is expected of me, not her.
I growled and the energy in my now restless body brought me to the wall again. I punched higher this time, harder, imagining it was this idiots Aqualads jaw. The wall collapsed under the pressure, and powder littered the dirty, stained carpet.
Why should I be mad at Raven? she was just a dumb teenager, at least for tonight. She had no idea what she was doing. No one warned her. Obviously none of her fucking team was looking after her.
I could be angry at Aqualad. I could see a vivid picture in my now active was at least twenty. I had seen him a few times, and at the time seen him as another harmless member of the extending team. Now I remembered the arrogant way he held him head, his seemingly detachment from the others. Not as pronounced as Ravens was, but still present. I remembered seeing Starfire make eyes at him. It was easy to imagine him in my place. It was easy to imagine beating him with a crowbar. Slamming it into his back until he cried for mommy and begged me to stop.
I couldn't be angry with Raven. Not murderously so. I was definatly pissed, definatly wound up by her stupidity and gall. But clearly, she had been drunk. And upset. And a half-demon. and alone.
The fire was being doused inside me now. I collapsed again, breathing heavily. Her pretty little face, being mauled by a fish. I kept myself focused on that, keeping my thoughts off Raven individualy, not knowing what I would do if I did. I was bouncing inside, while sinking, filled with pent-up energy. I needed to do something.
I slammed my hands down on the couch and stormed into my room. I started throwing things around, not caring where they landed, until my hands came across the smooth fabric of the Red-X suit. I needed to do something with my hands, and stealing sounded perfect to me right now. I needed that burst of adrenalin that would make me forget my own name.
I closed my eyes forcefully, the imagined image of my Raven in bed with that bastard ingrained on my eyelids, and teleported. In a jerky flash, I was standing in The titans east tower.
I swept my eyes around the darkened and green looking tower, courtesy of the masks night vision. The two Spanish kids were asleep in the couch, surrounded by half empty chip packets and bottles of coke. They were out to it. Not allowed in the fun at the main tower.
I smirked and went straight over to the computer. A jolt of chemicals started the adrenaline rush. My back was to the two titans, sending crawling rolls of nerves up my back as I pounded the keys. they could still wake up at any moment. The screen powered up, lighting it surroundings in a dull glow. The computer was advanced, by most standards. But I was too pumped for it to fail. I unlocked the security on all the rooms, and clicked my teleportation button once more. I appeared outside in the cold night air, and found my target. I was in a garrage I knew well, the one that servaced my favourite motercycle, the metal body of a car half cloaked in a dirty sheet. Next to it were two cannisters of petrol. I smirked vindictivly and grasped both. then I teleported.
I knew from the map of titans east that this was aqualads room, and I had been expecting water, but not this much. It was like an underwater cove, basicly a half cave with a small beach that led to the salt water. a bed and several posesions lay round. I found a light swith and flicked it on, examining everything in the room more closely. This place smeled like a fish shop, and had seaweed lying around for some reason. I kicked a lamp over. It smashed with a satisfying sound. I smiled apperciativly, waved to the security camera, and not wanting to stay here any longer, I got to work.
I knew this could get me caught. I knew that Robin wouldn't stop until he found the reson for me trashing Aqualads room, and why I would be targetting him from now on, but I found I didn't care. This made me feel a lot better, as did the knowledge I was going to be doing things like this to the fish for a long time to come.
I uncapped the cannisters and poured them both into the clear water. The oil glooped out and turned the water black, like it had a thick skin on it. The smell masked the fish scent. I was going to hate h2o for a very long time.
Raven Roth
I woke up to my hands glowing with energy. My head was thumping, but it felt as if it were a fading memory. I must have healed myself overnight. I shook my head.
These things kept happening constantly, where something would happen that I didn't know would. My thoughts danced away, contemplating what would happen if I started smoking. Presumably, I would heal any damage to myself. The bottom of my stomach dropped out.
Some things could not be healed.
I was asleep on my front on the couch, a thin blanket covering my top half. My sweatpants were twisting up around my calves. I felt clammy. A quick scan of the room revealed a re-masked Robin and a sympathetic Cyborg standing over me. Instantly, I clutched the blanket closer to my chest. I remembered taking my shirt off last night, in a drunken burst of lust. That's all it was, lust.
A thick treacle of guilt was spinning in my stomach. Why do I always hurt people?
"Hangover?" Cyborg asked, his eyes crinkling. I shook my head, and slowly pulled myself upright. Robins eyes widened as the blanket left its post on my back, and my tattoo was revealed.
X had not even seen my tattoo, and I was displaying it for the whole world to see.
In a second, I had wrenched it back over my body.
"I didn't know you had a tattoo." Robin said, trying to stare his way through the blanket to the Raven on my lower back.
"It doesn't matter that much, does it?" I asked, horrified.
You were supposed to forget what you had done while drunk. But I could remember everything in pristine detail. The pain of feeling alone and what it had led to. I remembered every move I made as clearly as if it were happening in front of me.
But I could not figure out why.
Why did I do this to everyone? Why did I make a fool of myself? A fool of X? why the hell did I care?
I was the ice queen. I was entitled, wasn't I? The guilt said no. A defiant part of my mind said yes, with conviction. X and I weren't a couple. He lied to me, he humiliated me, and now was his retribution. Really, the part of my mind said earnestly, it was karma, acting through me.
Then why did I feel so bad? Why did I feel like this was the end of something good in my life?
I didn't even like Aqualad that much! He was nice, I acknowledged he was good-looking, but that was all! I had never even contemplated it before. I wanted to die, so I could forget.
Robin shrugged, his eyes strange. At least, what I could see of them. His mask was covering his eyes, though I remembered them being green. Something he couldn't undo as I couldn't fix what I had done.
"Where are titans east?" I asked hoarsely, rearranging the blanket better. I wanted to drown in it, for it to swallow me completely. Robins mask crinkled where he narrowed his eyes.
"They went home." he spat harshly. He was angry and disappointed at me. I was angry and disappointed. I was immensely relieved they were no longer here. I would be happy if I never saw them again.
Cyborg shot him a look, and helped me up. I wanted to collapse into him, but I couldn't. I had to save what face I had left.
"You sure your okay? Beastboys still passed out in his room and Stars' sleeping off the mean attitude she got." He asked in a soothing voice.
"I'm fine." I said in a cold monotone. I needed to be alone, so I could call X.
This guilt was crippling. I wanted to double over with the pain of it. But I had to see him before I let it consume me. I had to prove to myself he wasn't the reason for it. I had to get rid of one of my problems.
"Where are you going?" Robin demanded. I sent him a frosty glare.
"None of your business." I said. Now was not the time for one of his 'responsibility' chats. Robin didn't like my comment.
"You are my buisness. we need to talk about this. What you do affects this whole team!" he raged suddenly. Cyborg shook his head.
"I'll leave you guys to it." he said, giving me another sympathetic look and exiting the room. I noticed my spagetti-strap shirt on the floor next to where I was sleeping on the couch and picked it up, trying to ignore Robins peircing glare.
"I'll do what I want." I said dangerously, feeling a little better for the defensive tone in my voice. It made me feel more entilted to what I had done last night while I was being forced to defend myself. Robin stared me down. In retaliation, I pulled the blanket off my body so he would have to look away. I shoved my shirt on roughly and waited for him to start again. his neck was an angry red.
"Even if it puts the city in jepordy?" he spat. "Batman called, Jemal Rusesamugu had been spotted outside of jump. We have no idea what he's doing here. all because of yesterdays bender!"
"You suggested the bender!" I shot back. Robin ignored me.
"A dangerous criminal is on the loose as we speak and instead of looking for him, the whole team is passed out drunk, except for Cyborg, who's looking after everyone, and you, who is going room to mope about her boyfriend going home early!" he growled, the volume increasing.
"If you want to be on the team," he spat out through his teeth looking derranged. "You. will. dump. him." he finished with his fist clentched. I looked at him in surprise. He looked truley upset, and I almost felt the urge to laugh.
"Done." I said simply, turning away from him to get to my room so I could teleport, and watched his hands loosen at his sides and his eyebrow come up in shock.
"You sure?" he asked, his mouth hanging open slightly. Now I was scared. Robin was always so strong and confident, now he was acting like a child.
"Yes." I replied, slowly, trying to catch his eye. I did, and then stared at him for a long time, trying to find answers.
I came up blank.
I shook my head, and Robin did too, looking embarrased.
"I have to..." I trailed off, gesturing over my shoulder and practicly jogging out of the room. I was so anxious about seeing Jared the scenario that had just occured me didn't bother me as much as it should have. I blinked.
I needed to compose myself, and quickly. I needed to figure out what I really wanted to know. I picked up my cold medatation mirror, panting a little. I was staring at my reflection for a moment, and then my round voilet eyes morphed red and then doubles into two sets. I hated seeing it. even I actuly did transform, at least I didn't have to watch. I closed my eyes and felt my soul detach from my body, and my mind leave my head.
I opened my eyes to find myself in Lust's domain. she was standing in front of me, her sweat pants cut off into extremly short black shorts, and her shirt that deceiving baby blue. A raven cawed above her head.
My eyebrow twitched as I took in the small clearing which was desires domain. It would have been nice, with a short and flat waterfall pooling into a clear blue, pebbled creek and with the intoxicatingly scented giant frangipani plants and mini eucalyptus trees, but was that a stipper pole? I narrowed my eyes.
I had decided to talk to them seperatly, it was much less confusing.
"What the hell was last night?" I hissed in her direction. She sent me a lop-sided smirk.
"Not my fault. You were the one who drunk so much." she sighed breathlessly, twirling a lone lock of hair. I looked at her, my stomach starting to drop. I didn't like that a part of me was so uncaring.
"And you don't feel guilty at all?" I asked, crossing the carpet of soft grass over to her. I noticed a dresser hald concealed behind a frangipani bush. From what I could see, it was covered in money and jewelry. She didn't speak the want for material possesions often, but I still wasn't surprised to see them here. She sent me an unhappy look.
"I'm not despair, Raven. I am Lust. I am desire. I am selfishness." she said quietly, without the cocky innuendos and begging. Maybe she was trying not to push me so she could get some more of last night. "But I want what you want. I am that want. I need the answers too." she said, suddenly pouty. She turned on her heel to face me. "So I'll tell you what you don't want to hear."
I crossed my arms over my chest in an effort to calm the furious beating of my heart.
"I want Jared. I want sex, doesn't matter who it's with. I want what everyone else has. I want a big house. I want one night stands. I want to get married. I want kids. I want to be free and unnatached. I want it now." she said in a rush, waving her hands around. she wasn't angry, that wasn't in her nature. she was just stating her facts passionatly. "I'm sorry if thats contradicting, but thats always been the way we were hasn't it?"
I agreed with her.
"fine. but you know I can't have all that. Anything I do will have disasterous consequenses." I pointed out, unhappily. The truth was staring right at me and I had nowhere left to run. My two options were hard to sift through. Pick Jared, if he still wanted me, and leave the titans, compramising my beleifs and morals, having to live with the guilt of knowing he was off hurting innocent people and I was doing nothing to stop it or Pick the titans, if they still trusted me after last night, and lose Jared, who I was obviously much too atatched too and would probably be devastated when he left.
"Thats not my problem, go see logic." she suggested. I growled.
"Jesus, fine." I muttered. but I was not going to see logic. I had heard what I needed to. Logic would just tell me that it made sense to pick titans over love. So when nothing made sense, and Logic was no help, I had no other option than to face it head on. See where this conversation led to.
I surfaced out of the mirror and teleported instantly into Jared's kitchen, and saw him standing in front of me, his expression somber. I froze, trying to gauge his reaction. Seeing him was so strange after what had happened. I had half-expected his appartment to morph into a criminal underground overnight, but it was the same messy main room, which I found odly comforting. When he saw me his eyes softened and he made to step towards me. I took a step back in turn and he got the message loud and clear.
"Hi." he said shortly. I nodded, and walked over to the couch, dropping down onto the cushions. My thoughts were jumbled and meaningless. I couldn't remember if I had made any plans about what I was going to say to him. If I had, they were useless now.
"Are you cold?" he took in my spaghetti-strap shirt and long sweat pants. I shook my head, my eyes downcast. I was afraid of what I would find if I looked at him. He sat down next to me and we didn't say a word.
We stayed in the same position for at least twenty minutes, neither of us knowing where to start. Neither of us wanted to.
"Why?" I asked finally, my voice dead, cold. Jared kept his eyes on the same loose thread of carpet that mine were on.
"Why what?" he replied his eyes flickering up for a second.
"Why did you approach me in the first place? Was it just a joke to you?" I shivered but masked it well. I had alot of arrogance to be attacking him, even though his crime was a million times worse than mine.
"No. I just did it." He gestured in the air forcefully. I noticed they were perfectly steady.
"That's helpful." I muttered sarcastically.
"I know. Its just, it turned into something more." he said harshly, reacting to my tone. I heard the accusation in it and remembered the exact ewords I had yelled through the phone at him last night.
"Did you get my call last night?" I asked dully, realizing that he must think I did a lot worse than I actuly did.
He stiffiened. maybe he was trying to forget. maybe he had turned into the one who had wanted this relationship.
"Oh, I got it alright." he replied in the same tone.
I had hurt his pride.
good. a voice muttered resentfully.
"I was drunk." I added, though he already knew that.
"I knew that." he scoffed. "It was so fucking obvious. You were slurring your words, even when you were dirty talking."
I looked up at his face. The sharp angles and the way the sun made him look like a dangerous angel. Part of X's allure.
"I wasn't dirty talking." I hissed. What the fuck?
"What about that language you were talking to your boyfriend in?" he asked bitterly, but not with as much venom as I would have thought.
I was wrong. he didn't want this to work. he didn't even care. another part of his allure, the fact that he didn't mind either way.
"One." I hissed to the air. "Aqualad is not my boyfriend. I did not sleep with him." I said fiercly. "two. I was talking to Cyborg." I watched the duct mites light up as they floated past the sunlight, trying to let their soothing qualitys calm me down. "three. I was telling him to fuck off, for want of a better word."
Jared, or X, looked at me, his eyes flashing.
"You didn't sound angry." he said suspiciously. I glared him down. my crime was nothing compared to his. I found the guilt had all but dissapeared now that I had seen him. he had been the one I was worried about, for some screwed up reason.
the confusion was worse than the guilt.
"Its a beatiful language, and I was drunk." I said matter-of-factly. I had to be honest, if i was going to force him into honesty.
"You didn't sleep with him?" he asked, more lightly. all a part of his game.
"You think I would?" I spat. I wasn't his goddamn toy! He couldn't treat me like I really had no emotions, like he wouldn't hurt me! I would not play along a second more.
"Why did you decide to tell me?" I demanded, before he could answer. I didn't need to elabourate, he knew.
"Because I want more than what we already have. Its greedy isn't it?" he laughed, setting his hands on his knees. I closed my eyes for a second, and wrapped my arms around my torso.
"So, real question time." he muttered, getting serious. the temperature seemed to drop, like it always did when he was serious. I was sure from his aura and emotions that playing me was not on his mind right now. the rewness of this conversation was terrifying. It would reveal what I had a feeling I didn;t want to know. " Does it really matter to you?" he asked in a quieter, darker voice. The Jared from the past.
That was the thing. I had three Jared's, and he had multiple Ravens. He was past Jared right now. Dark and haunted, confusing, intellectual and practical. Present Jared. Funny and constantly grinning, with a dangerous streak that really should stay with the third Jared. Red X. Strong and cocky. Lethal, unknowable and criminal.
"No. Yes." I answered. He laughed bitterly and I shivered again.
"That's what I thought."
Then I got angry. Chaos screamed loudly and Despair wailed a high - pitch, keening sound.
"What do you want from me? You want me to say everything is okay? You're a thief!" I moaned. The main problem. "The titans? My family? What about them?"
In truth, I was tired of them. I was dissatisfied and unfulfilled with this mundane life. Maybe I was tired of the responsibility.
Jared became stiff. Then he relaxed.
"Yes. I thought about that. Of course I did. I know you're their family, but your all I've got." he stated firmly. I shivered and sniffed. My eyes were burning with hope and sadness. he didn't even care about what I had done with Aqualad, didn't even ask questions. he only wanted me. the guilt returned, a fire that burned my insides.
this guilt was the reson my life was the way it was. the guilt was my reson for being a good little half demon. for being a hero. I couldn't take it.
I was all torn up like my mother. I must have inherited the running and the confusion and the bad decisions. Like she didn't know if she wanted me or not, I didn't know if I wanted Jared. Could I handle all the spite and bitterness this would cause with my friends? What if I gave them up for him, and it turned out all wrong? Or what if I didn't and I was miserable and alone my whole life, knowing I had left behind the only thing that had ever made me reach this level of happiness?
I coudn't find anyone else, last night had proven it. I was too unhuman for someone else whereas Jared could handle me.
"But we're all wrong!" I shouted and brought my head to my knees. The tears were flowing now, slowly and not urgent or hysterical, but they were there. I felt Jared hand stroke up and down my neck, tugging at the roots of my hair gently. He was pushing his love onto me with the gesture, letting me know how important he thought me to display such weakness. I wasn't worth it.
"Maybe. But we're all wrong anyway. Even by ourselves. I swear that's all my secrets. I know I can't possibly know all of yours but I really can't believe my luck" he whispered. He was lying. he had so many more secrets. I found myself wanting to know them and wanting to stay as far away as possible at the same time.
"You steal!" I protested through my curtain of hair. "You take what isn't yours." I added weakly.
My head suddenly felt heavy, like it was full of concrete. Jared stayed where he was, not rising in anger or dropping his head in shame, just staying where he was.
"Yes. It's selfish. But it's what I do. Its what I've always had to do." he said evenly, like he was holding back.
I laughed a little hysterically.
"What an excuse!" I cried, the sound muted by my hair, the concrete feeling being replaced with an airy one. Like I was high.
"It's the only one I can think of that doesn't make me sound all emo." he admitted, and things seemed simpler for a moment. "But enough of that now." he said forcefully. I finally looked up at him. "Who were those people last night?" he asked almost sternly, as if he knew my reaction so well. I decided to yield what I knew. It postponed the inevitable.
"They were my aunt and Uncle. I think the two kids were my cousins, but I'm not sure." I whispered. It wasn't as hard to talk about as the other issue. Jared sucked in a was giving me time, time for my frazzled nerves.
"I thought they were just crazy people." he muttered, shaking his head in amazement.
"So did I."
"Your mom…?" he probed. I shook my head. What I was trying to convey with the gesture, I had no idea.
"I never see her all that much. I never did. All she told me was that she ran and I vaguely remember her saying Azar changed her name from Angela to Arella. She's thirty-four, just like they said. And they recognized me straight off, that's something I can't ignore."
He was still confused, though I couldn't see his face I could hear it in his voice.
"But you can't be an exact copy of her. I mean, they didn't look that much like you-"
"You'd be surprised how much I did look like her that night. She's much more beautiful than I am, but demon …chromosomes…don't merge with humans easily. I'm basically the spitting image of my mother, with a few adjustments." I spit bitterly through my teeth.
Demons and humans and sirens and thieves. There should not be any scientific facts. I didn't care for them, they left an acidic aftertaste on my tongue. But Azar insisted. God damn it! She insisted and once things were learned they can't be unlearned. I never wanted to know how my fathers genes were passed down to me, didn't want to think about how they got there. It made fresh, bubbling guilt appear in my throat and it shouldn't be that way because dear god, it wasn't my fault! That Arella's problem. She was blaming me, but she didn't want to. The joy of the mother and the fury of the victim who needed someone to blame…
But that had nothing to do with here and now.
I wished I could un-learn so many things.
"Are you okay?" Jared asked quietly. I screwed up my face.
What was okay? Was it following routine and being sociable and obeying the rules of the game? Was it pretending and skittering around the edges? Was it being honest and admitting that it was all lies and you were confused? Or was it being so rough and tumble it didn't matter anymore? Like Jared? So you didn't care? Without a definition, what was I supposed to say?
"I'm fine." I shot back, my insides laughing. Hysterically.
"Did you talk to them?" Now, he was just testing my patience.
"Of course not!" I scoffed. "Who the hell do you think I am!" I jumped up. I took in his messy appearance through blurry eyes. He must have just got off his plane, or at least slept in his clothes. "I'm not…" I tried to find words to match my emotions, but his calm expression was distracting. "Blood means nothing to me! Its how you act! They're strangers and they don't know me. Why should I talk to them?" at the start it was the truth, but now I was babbling. Not that I was lying, just that in this moment in time I really could not give a shit.
Jared looked at me sternly.
"They're your family!" he was pissed now.
I knew it! I knew we couldn't last. We were like a fuse, and the bomb had just gone off and soon their would be wreckage. We burned too hot to be sustained. We can't help it. It's the design of destiny and who are we to fight it?
"What do you know about it?" I narrowed my eyes contemptuously. Jared stood too, surpassing my height impressively.
"Once you get one you don't let it go!" he roared. His eyes were stormy and unknowable. I didn't back down.
"Don't even try to intimidate me" I snarled. "You have no idea. You don't know me. I don't know you. This is completely different!"
Jared narrowed his eyes in disgust, finally seeing me as I was. Good. It was better to end it this way, so we hated each other. Hate was so much easier than saddness.
He was so angry now. I could read his face, see the twisted expression where his cocky smirk should be. I had insulted his deep feelings and goals. His goal for life. To have a family. He wanted it more than anything, that I could see through the tough skin of red-X. And I had one, and was letting it slip away, telling him what he wanted was worth nothing to me.
"No!' he yelled right in my face and for the first time I felt a little scared. I could smell his coffee-breath, and I fought the reflex to run. "Don't play that card!"
I recoiled.
"What card?" I screamed back. It cut through the silence and had a serrated edge to it. It sounded scratchy and shrill.
"The 'I'm so depressed' card! The 'No one understands me' card! The 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE' CARD!" He yelled, louder and deeper than I could ever manage. His face was furious. He hated me.
I felt something in me snap. It wasn't anger. Not this time. It was possibly my heart, but that was much too dramatic. It was a streetlight maybe. He had put it on and now it was put out.
"What the FUCK!" I screeched back, hating the way I sounded. When I swore at him it wasn't serious usually. But this was and the word took on a whole new meaning, and a memory I would have for a long time. "You keep making excuses and you tip-toe around the corners thinking I won't get you but I'm not stupid! You're a thief damn it!" I moaned. "A thief! and why? Just because. Just because and I'm sick of YOU! I haven't even known for two days and I'm already sick of it!" I descended into tears.
I lay all of my cards on the table.
"WE BOTH KNOW IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT!" he boomed.
I had never seen him like this. Adrenaline pulsed through me in response. It had never really occurred to me that he was capable of violence. I had never even contemplated that as being a part of Red-x, but now I could see the potential. I could easily imagine him hitting me, or hurting Aqualad badly for daring to mess with him.
"Will you stop then? Or are you going to steal a few diamonds first?" I dropped my arms and found myself breathing heavily.
No, before I had not put all my cards on the table. This was my last one. My vulnerability, and he was not expecting it. The one want desire was pushing before all others. The want for titans, and Jared at the same time.
He seemed to calm down somewhat, though his chest was moving up and down unevenly, his messy hair settling on his head. His eyes were shocked. He was stumped.
"I thought as much." I muttered quietly.
"I'm finished with the diamonds." He said, trying to stall for time. We both knew it. The air was numb.
"How much were you getting paid?" I asked numbly.
"Four million." he answered.
What? Four million for a couple of diamonds? Even collectors wouldn't pay that much for some unpolished rocks. Not for something in return.
"Of course, I have to wait for them to be received in Africa before the money gets through." he continued.
Africa? Something in my mind stirred, but I didn't care enough to be annoyed that I couldn't remember.
"Mmn. Africa." I muttered bitterly.
"Yeah. Africa." he muttered back.
Wait, Africa? I remembered several conversations involving diamonds, and scientests, and virises.
My eyes popped open and Jared was startled by my suddenly furious expression. I stood up.
"You're their supplier!" I screamed, again. Jared did not seem angry this time, he was defensive.
"Who?" he asked, cringing back.
"Jemal Rusesamunga!" I shouted back, forgetting our unspoken truce to keep our voices down. All I could think was that it didn't matter which option i choose, because I was doomed anyway, along with the rest of the people on this contanent.
"I have no idea what your talking about!" he protested. I scraped my fingers through my hair, feeling the tangles and knots. I did so violently, digging in with my nails for concentration.
"You have no idea what you've done!" I cried with my eyes jammed shut. there was still the nagging thought that we were over, even in the face of such danger.
America. The rest of the world. We were all going to die.
"What do you mean?" he asked urgently.
"You think what your doing is harmless but you've put the whole continant in danger!"
"WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT!" he roared and this time I met fire with fire.
"Jemal Rusesamunga is an insane man who had delusions of grandeur and wants to infect America with a deadly disease! And you've made it possible!" I moaned, turning around until I was dizzy. Jared steadied me and I jerked away. "The diamonds! The scientists want diamonds!" I gasped, and before he could stop me, I teleported back into the tower.
Jemal Rusesamunga was paying the scientests of ethiopia with diamonds in exchange for a virus he was going to punish the west with, for being so greedy.
Oh My God! A plot! where the hell did that come from!
(1) I in no way condone voilence against nature. In fact, if you didn't do earth hour, leave. Unless, you know, you forgot, or it wasn't in your contry or something.