What Becomes of the Broken Hearted (chapter ten)
As Dixie finished the song, she continued to look down at him, eagerly watching his face, and hoping that by some miracle he would just open his eyes and be alright again. Realistically she knew that with the seriousness of his condition, as well as the heavy medication that he was on, Johnny would not be waking up anytime soon, but she hoped for a miracle anyway.
"Johnny," Dixie continued, "I hope you can hear me. I just wanted to remind you to come back to us. You have so many people who care about you, and dare I even say it…love you. You mean way too much to all of us to leave us. All you have to do is just rest and get better. We'll be here to support you all the way."
Stroking Johnny's damp brown hair, Dixie bent down and kissed his forehead. She could feel the warmth of his skin on her lips. Leaving his side to get a damp cloth to leave on his forehead, Dixie turned around. Standing at the door was Anna, an expressionless look on her face, as she took in Johnny's condition.
Though Dixie, like many of Johnny's friends put the blame for his current condition squarely on Anna's shoulders, she was also a fair person…and a woman who loved, too.
"How is he?" Anna asked hesitantly, scared of the obvious answer.
"He's still with us, Anna…and for that we have to be happy about. We almost lost him."
Nodding her head, the younger nurse acknowledged the news. "I heard."
"I was just about to get a cool damp cloth to put on his forehead."
"I'll get it, Dixie…if you don't mind. I…"
Dixie knew what Anna was trying to say. That she was sorry for any part she may have played in putting Johnny in this predicament, and would do whatever it took to help bring him back to full health.
"Of course, Anna."
As Anna made her way to the small sink in Johnny's room, she glanced back at the older nurse.
"I do love him, Dixie."
"I know you do," Dixie replied with a knowing smile.
"And I would give anything to undo the events of the last couple months."
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Returning home, Roy pulled his car into the driveway. After turning off the ignition, he sat silently inside, trying to gather himself. Though he was not an emotional person by nature, he did have what he always joked around about, "built-in insulation". Though this insulation helped him to deal with his job on a daily basis, it was not necessarily the case when it came to his close friends and family.
Taking a deep breath, Roy held it a few moments before slowly letting it out, and sounding like a balloon losing its air. With the image of his partner lying in the ICU, attached to the vent, and looking not much better than a corpse, the paramedic got out of his car. Making his way up the front walk, Roy was mentally preparing himself on how to tell his wife that Johnny's hold on life was tenuous at best. He also thought about how to share the bad news with his two kids, who were no longer the toddlers that had first met Johnny a few years earlier, but were now nine and seven years old.
Meeting her husband at the door, Joanne sensed that the news was not very encouraging. Though Roy had called her almost two hours earlier to tell her about Johnny's deteriorating condition, she had an awful feeling in the pit of her stomach that things for Johnny had continued to go downhill.
When Roy stepped into his house, his face was devoid of any expression. It was as if the life that had started to slip away from Johnny, had somehow continued to also slip away from Roy.
"Roy…please don't tell me that Johnny…that he…" Joanne still could not bring herself to say the words.
Rubbing his eyes, Roy tried to erase the awful image of Johnny that he currently had, from his mind…it wasn't working.
"No, Jo…he's still alive…barely. He went into cardiac arrest, but the doctors were able to bring him back. He's on a ventilator now. They don't know if…if he's going to make it."
"Roy…" Joanne choked out.
"Where are the kids?" Roy asked softly.
"They're playing at the Marshall's house. Do you want me to have them come home?"
"No. That's fine. We can tell them about Johnny later. Right now, I just…I just need time to regroup. These last few hours have been a blur."
"Of course. I'll make some fresh coffee."
Warmly embracing her husband, Joanne could feel the large weight on his shoulders, and the tenseness of his muscles.
Quickly pulling away from Joanne, Roy felt too guilty to be in the loving embrace of his wife, while his best friend could be lying in the ICU dying.
"Roy?"
"I'm okay, Joanne. Do whatever you were doing before I came home. I'll be out on the back deck."
Walking into the kitchen, Roy grabbed a beer from the fridge, and made his way outside the sliding doors and out onto the back deck. Pulling the tab off the can, he took a sip, and stood leaning against the railing, and looked over the back yard. He wistfully smiled to himself when he thought about how it was Johnny who had suggested that he build a deck in the first place. Roy had been resistant to the idea, but when Johnny gave him several reasons why it would be a good idea, and even offered to get the guys to help build it, Roy couldn't say no.
Standing there, Roy could hear the sounds of that day as though it had just taken place. The pounding of the hammers…the buzzing of the saws…the mild swearing of the guys as they'd hit their fingers with the hammer…the laughter and the camaraderie… Roy only hoped that there would again be fun times like that to be had…with Johnny included in all of them.
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Not wanting to go home, for fear of having too much time to think about what could ultimately happen to Johnny, Mike, Chet, and Marco decided to go out to the Hook and Ladder Bar and Grill for a beer or two, rather than to go home.
Entering the bar, which was a comfortable place decorated with all kinds of fire memorabilia, the three men were immediately greeted by Gus Lockwood, the bar's owner, and a retired L.A. Co. F.D. battalion chief.
Recognizing the men as being part of Hank Stanley's crew, the well-built handsome former firefighter with the salt and peppered hair approached them. "Well, if isn't 51's finest. Welcome gentlemen. What's your pleasure?"
Sighing loudly, Chet held up three fingers. "Three beers."
"You got it."
Taking out three bottles of Budweiser, and placing them in front of his customers, Gus stood watching them for a few moments, his gregarious smile replaced by a concerned frown. "What's with the long faces? Something go down that I don't know about?"
"Guess you haven't heard about it, yet. It's John Gage…" Mike replied.
"Johnny?" Gus interrupted. "What happened?"
"He's in the ICU at Rampart…and as much as we don't want to say it, or even think about it…there's a chance that he might not make it."
Listening to Mike's words, Gus was stunned. John Gage was one of those guys who everyone was naturally drawn to, and despite his injury track record, always seemed to bounce back quickly. Hearing that he was in the ICU of the hospital was quite shocking.
"Might not make it?" Gus repeated. "What the hell happened?"
Chet shook his head sadly. "It's a long story, Gus. Let's just say that he went on a cruise to clear his head a bit, and ended up with more than he bargained for."
"A cruise? I bet he picked up one of those illnesses that I have read about…Legionnaire's disease, I think it's called."
Looking up at Gus, Marco was surprised that the older man had heard of it. "Yeah, that's it. He took ill a few days ago…took a turn for the worse a few hours ago."
"I am so sorry. I hadn't even heard that he was sick. The last time I saw Johnny was at the beginning of February. He was getting ready to propose to that sweet little lady of his."
"Anna…" Chet mumbled.
"Yeah…Anna. So what ever happened? Did he end up proposing to her?"
"No. She broke up with him before he could ask her. This whole thing is her fault. He went on the cruise to get away from her."
Sensing a bit of venom in Chet's voice as he spoke about the young lady in question, Gus gave a questioning look to Stoker.
"Indirectly it may have had something to do with Anna…but let's be realistic…Johnny could have picked this up anywhere, Chet. Anna feels badly enough, I'm sure."
"I don't know what to say, fellas. Hearing about Johnny…that's rough. You get used to hearing about guys getting injured at a fire or accident…but to be this bad off from an illness… Where's Roy? I'm sure he's taking this pretty hard."
"Not sure, Gus. Me, Mike, and Chet left the hospital before him. The three of us met up at a church to light some candles for Johnny…then we ended up here. He might still be at the hospital."
Walking into the bar, several customers…non-firefighters, made their way to a booth, effectively ending their conversation.
"I'll be back, fellas…sit tight."
Once Gus left them to take care of his new customers, Chet took another look pull from his beer.
"If I didn't have to drive home…I'd get completely smashed right now."
Casting a sympathetic glance over at his good friend, Marco shook his head. "Getting drunk isn't the answer, Chet…it won't change anything."
"Nope, it won't, Marco…but at least it'll help dull the pain of thinking about it. Johnny doesn't deserve this."
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Back at Rampart, Anna was sitting at Johnny's side, holding his hand. The only thought that ran continuously through her mind was that she was hoping that he would be alright so she could make it up to him for treating him the way she had.
"You have to be alright, Johnny. If something happened to you, I don't think I could ever forgive myself. I love you…I always did…and I always will."
Standing at the door listening to the nurse pour her heart out to a heavily sedated Johnny, was Randi. Though she felt as though she may have been intruding on an obviously very private moment between the two former lovers, Randi also knew that she had every right to be able to spend a few moments with Johnny, too.
Knocking quietly on the door frame, Randi wanted to let her presence to Anna be known.
Hearing the soft tapping, Anna looked up, a rather surprised expression her face.
"My father spoke to both Doctor Castillo and Doctor Morton…they said it would be okay for me to spend a few minutes with Johnny."
Anna didn't want to leave Johnny, as she perhaps wrongly felt possessive of his heart, and did not want to give it up. But knowing that she in fact did NOT own Johnny, she simply nodded her head.
"Johnny, I have to go now. I promise to come back soon. You hang in there and get better…we…I need you."
Lifting up the cloth from his forehead, Anna gave him a kiss. She wished that she had been able to give him a gentle kiss on his lips, something that she had longed to do for several weeks now, but the tube in his mouth prevented that. Settling for the forehead kiss, and patting his hand, she then quietly walked out of the room.
Standing for a few moments at the foot of his bed, Randi quietly took in what to her looked like someone who was on his deathbed. The tubes and wires, and all the monitors were scary to see. Though she was a doctor's daughter, she had never actually been in this situation firsthand. Her eyes gradually worked their way up to his face. His normally expressive face…complete with lopsided grin and dancing brown eyes, was pale and still. But the one thing that she was having trouble getting past was the ventilator tube that was taped to his mouth. To think that this vibrant young man that she had somehow grown to really care for and admire, was having a machine breath for him, was almost more than she could handle.
Knowing that it was now or never, as both Morton and Castillo told her that her visit couldn't last more than a few minutes at most Randi had to make her presence known to him quickly.
Pushing her fear out of the way, Randi crept closer to his head, and sat down, gently taking hold of his hand. "Johnny…it's Randi. I have been told over the years that people who are in your situation, really can hear people talking to them. So I just wanted to make sure that you knew I had been here, and that I cared about you…a lot. Perhaps more than I might have a right to. Though we just met on the cruise a couple weeks ago…I have grown to really care about you. I would love the opportunity to explore how a possible relationship with you might go. I know this isn't the right time to bring it up, but I had to get it off my chest. If it's not meant to be for us, I'd be okay with it, as long as I knew that you were alright, and we'd still be friends."
Looking up when she heard someone enter the room, Randi knew she had to end her visit, as it was a nurse that had come to check on Johnny.
Acknowledging the nurse, Randi nodded her head. "Johnny, I need to get going now. You just rest. When you are ready to…you'll come back to us."
Placing Johnny's hand back on the bed beside him, Randi got up from the chair. Taking one last look at him, she left the room.
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Walking into his house, Hank was met by a very worried Suzanne.
She knew by his pale coloring, and his expressionless face, that her husband was carrying quite a heavy burden…that news of his paramedic's condition was not exceptionally good.
"Hank…Johnny, how is he?"
"Not good, Suzanne," he replied with a loud sigh, as he collapsed into his favorite recliner. "He went into cardiac arrest…they got him back, but he's barely holding on."
The fire captain's wife stood there stunned. It was incomprehensible to her that a young man who was as active and vibrant, with a future as bright as Johnny's, could be so close to death at this stage in his life.
"Shouldn't you be there with him? If…" Like Joanne before her, Suzanne couldn't get the words out, either.
Supplying the rest of the sentence, in slightly more optimistic fashion, Hank looked up at his wife. "If something happens to Johnny…we'll be notified. He's in the ICU. They have very strict visiting hours there. Even Roy isn't able to stay with him. The doctors want Johnny to rest. I'll go back to the hospital tomorrow."
"Where…where are the rest of the guys?"
"I don't know. Maybe they're together. They all took what happened to Johnny really hard…especially Chet. Roy…he probably went home to Joanne and the kids. There's nothing more any of us can do right now…except for maybe pray for him, and hope that God is listening, and spares Johnny his life."
Hearing her husband talk this way was a little surprising to Suzanne, as Hank was never much for prayer and religion. But she also supposed that given the circumstances surrounding Johnny's condition that it really wasn't that surprising for him to talk that way.
"Hank…I do know God is listening to your prayers. Johnny is such a good-hearted and decent soul…surely he wouldn't take someone like Johnny away from us."
Hank sure hoped not, but he had seen it happen before. He thought it was ironic that his wife had used the words good-hearted to describe Johnny, as it was the paramedic's heart that almost betrayed him.
Suzanne had met Hank's crew quite a few times over the years, and had grown to appreciate and admire them, as if they were part of her own family, which in a sense they really were. Mike Stoker was the calm, cool, and collected one, who was Hank's second in command. Roy was the easygoing but professional one. Marco Lopez was the friendly thoughtful one. Chet Kelly, the eager to please but tenacious one. And Johnny Gage…the romantic free spirit of the bunch. Though she adored all of Hank's men, it was Johnny who had somehow earned a piece of her heart…always making her smile every time she saw him.
"I'll put on a fresh pot of coffee. Call me if you need me."
"Suzanne…I'll always need you. And right now…I need you more than ever."
Sensing that her husband's hold on his emotions was pencil thin, Suzanne patted his hand, and left the room to give him some privacy. Though Hank was not one to break down and have an emotional outburst, especially as a strong male in the fire department, she also knew that there was a first for everything. It wasn't often that Hank had experienced the potential death of one of his men…unless of course John Gage was his name…it had happened a few times before.
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Johnny continued to be as confused as ever. He had no idea where he was. The sounds and voices that he had heard earlier, and seemed to be fairly close, now appeared to be farther away. He was still able to hear the beeps from earlier, but those beeps sounded a lot slower to him. Though he had felt as though he was somehow trapped in a sauna or steam bath, he also felt a periodic cool breeze blow by every once in a while.
He tried to listen carefully to the various voices that he was hearing, but the only thing that he was able to determine from them were that they were decidedly mostly feminine voices. And even with the garbled sounds of those voices, Johnny was somehow able to feel a sense of love shine through from them. Despite his confusion, he did not feel scared or even threatened, but what he did feel was a sense of calm and serenity surrounding him. Wherever he was, he knew that he was with people who were trying to help him find his way back home.
Feeling exhausted, Johnny closed his eyes. It wasn't long after he tried to get some sleep, that he was suddenly bombarded with flashes of pictures. In an almost "This is Your Life" episode, moments of Johnny's life flitted across the screen. His parents, who had been killed in a car accident several years earlier, was the first scene he saw flit across. They seemed so happy. They were smiling, so he knew they were okay. The next shot was of his beloved Aunt Rosa who had also passed a few years before. There were scenes of him with his friends, both at work, and at play. A couple pictures of two very attractive females, which he had assumed were Anna and Randi. The pictures had all passed so quickly, but the last scene seemed to linger a bit longer than the rest of them…a picture of Roy, Joanne, and the kids. And then just like that…it was gone. Suddenly everything went black, and the peaceful feeling that he had been experiencing disappeared.