Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or anything related or from it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.
Pairings: ByaRen
Warnings: Cursing. Yaoi. Attempted rape.
Summary: When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible. During this, Byakuya also must deal with his feelings regarding his fuku-taicho and struggles to control his actions while handling the situation.
A.N. Wow, you guys are really awesome. Thank you for your reviews. And, thanks for reading.
A.N.N. I hope you guys remember to read the chapter before this one. It's a side-story with Rukia, but it's vital to the plot.
December 16, 2011; Bete-ed by Kahewei
The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?
Chapter Nine: The Start of an Affair
Renji didn't know what he was doing here. Common sense told him this was a bad idea. Any idiot could tell him it was not good to mix personal and business relations. He was a subordinate for heaven's sake, so Renji really didn't know why he came. He glared balefully at the grass beneath his feet, as he stood yards away from the entrance of the Kuchiki household; a fucking manor was more like it.
It was as if he couldn't step away from the man. He was no favored pet that played dead upon command. Yet, how could he ignore the challenge in those slated eyes? He was here, wasn't he? It never occurred to him—he might have been manipulated into coming.
It wasn't simple. Everything had gotten more complicated. Renji fumbled with the tie on the bottle of plum sake encased in a clean, but well-worn, blue cloth. He sure wasn't ignorant of certain protocols. He didn't know what the exact guidelines were for when your captain initiates a sexual relationship. But, dammit, he had manners. Plus, he really didn't want to get fired for being exceedingly rude.
He ignored Zabimaru's chiming voices suggesting if he was going to be fired, it wouldn't be for impoliteness—it'll be for engaging in scandalous intimacy.
Hebi, the snake half, said snarkily, No, his taicho will be the one in trouble, not Renji; call it abuse of power.
And, that made Renji feel worse.
Saru snorted. The female green nue replied, Renji will probably get in trouble as well. This idiot doesn't know how to talk his way out of trouble. All fists and no talk. Typical.
Get the fuck out of my head, growled Renji. Really, why was it just him who had troublesome Zanpakuto spirits. Renji didn't think Kuchiki-taicho had the kind of trouble he did.
So, you're finally going to get laid.
Byakuya twitched.
That's awesome. But, I can't believe you chose him. Of all the people you had to choose, I mean, did you see his zanpakuto? It's a female and a boy.
Don't you have something better to do?
Well, I guess I could go talk to Zabimaru. They're fun to play around with. Except for the boy. Saru's always fun to irritate.
You are not allowed to talk to them and please leave.
Why I thought you enjoyed my company. For I am the great Senbonzakura and I am the very definition of cool.
The noble shot a glare of venom at his sword on its stand. Why can't I have a normal Zanpakuto?
Senbonzakura snorted; not amused.
One, I represent part of you, so obviously I'm like this because of you. Secondly,you'd die of boredom if it wasn't for me. But if you insist, let me give it a try. Ahem. Kuchiki-sama, to lure a dog and win its affection, one must tread cautiously. The truth lies in the counter-reflection of the moon in the depths of the deepest lake. However, be wary of turning from predator to prey.
Please, do not speak in that manner. It does not suit you and frankly, it disturbs me.
So, what are you going to wear?
Shut up!
Renji couldn't quite bring himself to go knock at the gate just yet. It stunned the crap out of him when taicho suggested such an idea, and he stupidly went along with it. He cursed himself and his big mouth, and pride—it always delivered him into hot water.
There was no heading back now. What was done was done, so Renji with all of his fears and uncertainty knocked on the gate's door. He winced at the harsh loudness echoing through the night air. When the door was opened, a little old lady bowed and greeted him.
Renji bowed back in kind, taking care not to bow too low or too long.
"Please, follow me, Abarai-san," she murmured, keeping her head and eyes down and her hands neatly over the top of each other on her thighs. "Kuchiki-sama had informed the household that you would be arriving."
"It is my pleasure to be here this evening."
Renji bowed once again but for a shorter length of time. They rose, and Renji followed the servant along a well-worn path to the manor. When they reached the front of the house and stepped onto the genkan, Renji removed his cloak and folded it neatly over one arm.
"If you hand your cloak over to me, I shall take it for safe-keeping, Abarai-san. To your right, you may find suitable slippers."
"Thank you," he said, handing over his cloak. He stepped out of his warajji and slipped on the soft, silk slippers. Renji checked his hair and clothing, making sure he was presentable. He was not sure what to wear. In the end, Renji decided to wear a clean uniform. It would prevent suspicion, and demonstrate his respect for their working relationship. He kept the bottle of sake in his right hand as he entered the main house's front doors.
"Konbanwa, Abarai-san," greeted another servant, who had been waiting inside. She placed both her hands over her thighs, and kept her head and eyes down as she bowed at a thirty-degree angle.
"Konbanwa."
Renji bowed in reply but for a shorter time, and not as deep.
"If Abarai-san would follow me, Kuchiki-sama is waiting in the reception room."
Renji kept his eyes firmly on the servant's back as she led them down a series of hallways and twists before arriving at their destination. The servant rapped her knuckles on the sliding doors.
"Kuchiki-sama, your guest has arrived."
Taicho's voice sounded clear and loud as he replied, "You may enter."
The servant slid opened the frame. Renji slipped off his slippers, and then carefully entered the room. The servant closed the door shut as Renji set his gaze on his taicho. He was startled to see Kuchiki-taicho was not wearing his uniform, or haori. Instead, his taicho was wearing two layers of kimono. The outer layer was a deep green color with patterns of bamboo shoots and silver intricate circles woven throughout the silk fabric. The obi was a simple thin, light green much like the usual uniform ties. However, the noble kept his kenseikan in his hair and his tekkou. The soft ginpaku kazahana no uzuginu was lightly draped around his shoulders.
Renji wasn't sure what to make of this display. Byakuya was changing the rules deliberately. He placed the gift and his sword on the ground next to him, and greeted his taicho.
He bowed deeply, at a ninety-degree angle, his arms and hands at his side, and held it for a long while. "Konbanwa, Kuchiki-taicho. It is pleasure to be invited to your home."
When Renji felt he had demonstrated his respect enough to his taicho, he rose. Renji had made certain he reflected his respect for his taicho as a superior, his respect for his friend, and respect for his taicho's military rank.
Kuchiki-sama nodded his head in reply.
"It is a pleasure to have you here, Abarai fuku-taicho. Please, be seated." Byakuya gestured with his hand toward the table.
"Thank you, taicho."
Renji seated himself in seiza on the tatami at one end of the long, rectangle table, making sure the seat facing the door was left open. Kuchiki sama seated himself in that seat.
Renji unwrapped his gift, and presented the sake to Kuchiki taicho with his palms straight and facing toward the sky.
"Kuchiki-taicho, I have brought you a gift. It only amounts to a symbol of my appreciation but I hope it please you," Renji murmured, as the words fell from his lips ritually.
"It pleases me very much, Abarai fuku-taicho. However, such a gift is unnecessary."
"I must insist, Kuchiki-tachio," Renji kept his head bowed and his eyes lowered.
"Very well, then. I humbly accept your gesture."
Kuchiki-taicho bowed his head, and placed both palms facing up, receiving the gift from Renji.
"Thank you, Abarai fuku-taicho. I will have a servant warm this for us."
When the servant brought back the heated sake in a different container, Renji grasped the ceramic jug. Byakuya watched as Renji poured a measure of sake into both ochoko, sake cups, the liquid sparkling as it flowed out in a smooth stream. He carefully turned the cup halfway around. Using both hands, the redhead presented the cup of rice wine to his superior.
Kuchiki-taicho accepted the ochoko with both hands gracefully and took a small sip of the warmed sake.
Renji waited.
"You have chosen very refreshing and light sake. It tastes of sweeten ume plucked during a summer's eve. Where did you procure this?"
The vice-captain took a hold of his cup and took a small sip, enjoying the silkiness slipping down his throat, and warming his belly.
"I had the chance to go to Aomori's a few days ago. They import several types of sake, including this one from Hakutsuru Sake Company in Hyogo. I heard they also have sake from Fushimi-Momoyama, Kyoto. I thought it might please you."
"Aa." The noble regarded the solider with cool eyes, flickered his gaze down to the tenseness in Renji's hands and the tightness in the set of the man's shoulders.
"Renji."
He murmured softly, "Yes, taicho."
"You may cease all formalities. Let us proceed straight to the point. You are aware of the fact I do not share my bed lightly."
Renji didn't relax, although, he switched his usual speech patterns. "Um, okay, sure. Yeah, I know."
"You have accepted the terms of agreement," Byakuya placed his ochoko down on the table with a soft clink. "However, before we begin, let me inform you of my own knowledge of intimacy. I hope this will reassure you. I suspect my foray into homosexual endeavors is significantly less than yours. However, I am not entirely ignorant, Renji. I have pursed literary works as well as personal experimentations. It is suffice, I assure you, to meet your needs."
"So, you," Renji kept his eyes on his sake," you've never had sex with another male before?"
"That is correct."
"And, you want to do this with me?" Renji squeaked on the last word.
Silver eyes meet his.
"Yes. If it will cure you, then yes."
Renji froze for a second.
He tossed back his cup of sake in one go, and slammed his cup down. "Why would you think that would be reassuring? I don't just think that's bad idea. I now think it's a horrible one. If you've never been with another man, then why start now? I told you before I don't need your help. If that's the only reason you're helping me, then I want out."
His dark, ruby eyes flashed agitatedly with emotion.
"It is not the only reason. If you think that, then you do not know me at all."
"Then, why?"
Byakuya took a careful sip of sake, allowing the alcohol to envelop inundate his senses. "I think that is something best left for you to figure out."
He growled in frustration. "Fine, whatever. Then, how are we going to do this, taicho?"
"First off, I would rather you use my given name."
"Y-you want me to call you by your name?"
Byakuya's eyes glinted with amusement. "It would be preferable, given the circumstances. While you are here, you are sharing my bed. As such, you will be my lover, and not a subordinate. I trust you will be able to keep these two relationships separate?"
"Yeah, I'm not stupid."
"I never suggest it," Byakuya finished his sake, setting down the cup with a satisfied hum. "Is there anything you would like to discuss before we begin?"
Renji placed both of his hands in his lap, looking up at Byakuya.
"Yeah. What about your servants? Won't it be suspicious?"
"I have taken that into account. My servants are under a geis to prevent them from spilling the secrets of this household. You appreciate the fact that the Kuchiki line is one of the four great noble houses, and our duty specifically is to safeguard the history and artifacts of Soul Society. You have no need to concern yourself with the status of secrecy while you are here."
The lieutenant analyzed this thoughtfully.
He has given me the usage of his name. And, he's dressed down, well, for a guy like taicho. What does he want from me?
"And, what will you tell people? Or do you want me to come and leave in secret?"
"I think you'll find there is a need for secrecy when it comes to others outside of this household. The rules regarding the nature of relationships between a superior and subordinate are strict. It is unrelenting in its precise wording."
The noble paused, and continued, "Regarding the situation at hand, I find it unlikely that you would act out. If you do so, if the changed nature of our relationship is revealed, we will both be shamed with dishonor. I have no intentions of letting that happen. Do you?"
"'course not," Renji frowned. "It's just…you could lose a lot doing this. So, why would you help me?"
"If you did not understand before, why should I repeat it?"
He glared at the man before him who was calm and relaxed.
"Y'know, one day, you won't say stuff like that and confuse me."
"Perhaps," Byakuya inclined his head, "But, that moment is not now."
Renji unknowingly pouted. He settled himself back to the subject at hand. "Then, you want me to leave and come in secrecy?"
"That is unwise, given it would arouses more suspicion then relieve it. We are captain and vice-captain, are we not? It would not be unusual for us to meet and discuss matters of our division like that of other divisions. We do have to speak about the security breach that occurred the night you were attacked, Renji."
"Okay. Then," Renji racked his mind to see if he could stall for time.
Byakuya rose from his seat. "There is no use in delaying any further. If you have further concerns, then we can discuss them later. Come, Renji."
Renji picked up his sword. They slipped on slippers, and Renji trailed after the man with trepidation, his heart pounding furiously and the rush of blood in his ears.
The redhead watched the green silk on his taicho's back shimmer in the dim light as the noble slid open a wooden frame with delicate, decoratively rice paper. They crossed over so many pathways, and through rooms, Renji wondered if the wait was supposed to be reassuring. However, they moved moderately deeper into the Kuchiki household.
Then, Byakuya opened two doors with both hands, and gestured for Renji to enter. Renji slipped off his slippers and cautiously entered the room. He looked around curiously at the soft cotton futon in the center, and the candles lit in its bowls, scattered around the room in various places and heights. There was a stand with Senbonzakura nestled in its hooks. He placed Zabimaru on the hooks beneath it. And, he crossed over to the other side of the room, and slid that door open to see the garden outside, the flowing stream of water laughing against the stones, and the night sky shining with stars. He breathed in the cold night air, and spoke.
"This. This is your room, isn't it?"
He turned back to look at the noble who was watching his every movement.
"I remember it. From last time."
Renji wanted to ask why, why the noble let him in here, to his sanctuary. He didn't.
"Are you afraid?" The steel eyes caught his as the noble slowly unwove his scarf from his pale neck. "You seem more subdued."
"No," Renji denied, never mind this whole situation was unsettling to him. "I chose this out of my choices. I can't ignore your words. Even if I think this whole thing is stupid, I like the fact you want to help me. It's nice."
"Hmm." He placed down his scarf on a nearby wooden stand, and stripped off his tekkou casually. "What part of this do you find stupid? Myself, the situation, or the kido?"
"Everything," he blurted out. "Mostly, because, although I think it's nice you're helping; I don't think this is going to work. You just don't get it."
"And, yet I find myself repeating things around you," Byakuya sighed. "If you do not speak your mind, then I do not know what thoughts lie in you. Renji, I would like for you to try. To try to speak what is in your heart. Like the day you fought me with your first bankai."
"I—"
"You are similar to Rukia, and Hisana in that regard. It is hard to speak of your desires and dreams, yes; however, it is needed to facilitate our relationship."
Byakuya took a hold of Renji's hands in his, and looked up into struggling brown eyes. "You don't have to speak now, but know this. If you don't, I will push you until you do. It is dangerous for the heart to keep everything bottled up. Rukia mentioned once, the rule of Inuzuri was the survival of the fittest, yet, both of you worked together to survive. Your friends will be there for you if you need it. And, I will be there, so let me help."
Renji bowed his head down. There was no turning back. Byakuya was acting very different from the person he always saw. Who was real? The one before him now or the one he saw everyday during work and midnight tactic sessions.
"Okay."
The noble led the redhead to sit on the futon, placing their tabi to the side and he clasped Renji's hands to his chest.
"I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. Trust me, Renji."
Byakuya, with a bit of nervousness, gently brought Renji to lie flat upon the futon
Just think of Hisana and the first time we had sex. It's like that. Renji trusts me. He's nervous as if it's the first time.
He trailed a hand across Renji's cheek, and stroked the inked brow while Renji tried to hold still, his body trembling with the knowledge of what they were about to engage in. And, inadvertently, he gasped.
"You are in pain?"
"Slightly, it's sorta bearable, but," Renji sucked in a breath of air, "the pain flares up once in a while. It catches me off guard."
"Have you heard of the term, masochism?"
"Yeah."
"I believe you need to partake in the sensations of pain in order to get over this kido."
Renji's breathing increased, and he stared up into mercury eyes that seemed to have the ability to penetrate his soul.
"I don't do so good with pain, taicho."
Byakuya looked at him sternly. "Call me, Byakuya, Renji."
"Sorry, tai-Bya-Byakuya."
Renji flushed with heat as Byakuya smiled at him warmly.
"Much better. Then, I will show you how to enjoy it."
Byakuya lifted a hand uncertainly to the black tie holding up brilliant red strands.
"May I?"
He nodded, and the noble loosened the tie, combing out the silken tresses.
"Did you know whenever I needed to find you; it was always your hair that shows me the way? It is quite an unusual colouring. I have always wanted to ask you whether the curtain matches the rug." Byakuya slipped a finger down Renji's neck, tracing the jagged marks and down into the vulnerable hollow of a tanned throat.
As expected, Renji relaxed a little bit further underneath his hands, and allowed himself a nervous chuckle. "Everyone asks that, but I thought you knew?"
He ran his hands down the redhead's sides, and over to the front, slowly undoing the white sash around the hakama.
"I'm flattered you think so, but I do not."
"But, you touched me?" His voice tinged with confusion.
The raven-haired noble pushed open the kimono, admiring the strong stretch of tanned flesh, harsh, black tattoos, and burning the tips of his fingers upon stroking the heated skin.
"I did, but I never looked. I suppose, I can find out now, can't I?"
It was a rhetorical question, and Renji didn't bother replying. Instead, he blushed as his captain examined his torso, with those captivating, stormy eyes. He shivered. His skin prickling in the coldness of the night air, drifting in from the slight opening of the door he had forgotten to close.
Renji closed his eyes with embarrassment as he felt himself hardening, and his nipples stiffened from the cold.
It's from the cold, not because he's looking at me like that.
And, he bit his lower lip as he felt cool hands caress his stomach, following the path of his inked flesh.
"Renji."
"H-hai," Renji gasped as a finger brushed against his right nipple and twisted.
"You are certain enough to desire to continue?"
Fuck, why did he have to ask now? When he was burning with need, and caught between the cusp of pain and the promise ofpleasure.
"Y-yes," and he bit back a cry of pain as his nerves betrayed him and caused the sensations to shift. He bit firmly down on his lip, breaking skin and allowing his life's blood to ebb.
Byakuya continued to play with Renji's nipples, as he murmured, "Don't bit your lip, Renji."
The noble noted the tension in the redhead's muscles when the pain offset the more pleasant sensations, and he twisted a dusky, brown nipple harder, pulling a soft groan from his vocals.
He leaned across the board shoulders, clasping his hands around the formidable muscles, and whispered softly, "You may cry out if you need to. There's no need to hide your pain from me." His breath caressed Renji's sensitive ears.
"Taicho."
Pain-filled, watery eyes looked up at him pleadingly.
"C-can, can you kiss me? I need—some sorta, um, distraction."
"Very well."
He gently brushed a kiss upon silken lips, licking away the metallic taste of blood.
Renji groaned, and suddenly pushed up, trapping Byakuya in his arms as he kissed deeply, trying hard to forget the pain, trying to lose himself in Byakuya's taste.
He didn't notice when Byakuya slipped a hand down his hakama, wrapping lean fingers around his erection, and he cried out. His head tossed back, his hair cascading around him as he arched into the velvet grip.
Byakuya forced him down, keeping their mouths attached and engaged in a fierce battle of tongue and saliva. He slid his hand down, and pumped his hand, the heat of Renji searing his palm and Byakuya felt the heat spread throughout his body, coiling low in his stomach.
The sound of Renji's wordless cries and moans spurred him to pleasure the redhead further.
The heat and his emotions fuelled his mind, and he couldn't separate himself out of the tangled warmth of intimacy and desire. He was quickly losing his composure, and his plan of action. His will against the desires of the flesh crumbled when Renji murmured, "please, I—"
With all the remnants of his enraptured senses, Byakuya bit down hard in the junction of the redhead's shoulder, unconsciously marking the man, licking the tender skin.
Renji cried out at the simultaneous sensation of sharp pain, and the sudden brush of Byakuya's thumb over his slit, and he came with a wordless cry. His body tensed as Byakuya softly kissed him and slowly stroking him as he came down from his high.
His breathing was harsh as he looked down at Renji. Renji, who had his sweat-matted hair tousled around his face, and swollen, reddened lips.
Byakuya started to move to wipe his hand when his lieutenant grabbed his wrist.
Without looking at him, Renji panted. "Y-you. You didn't come."
"No, I didn't," affirmed the man.
Eyelids popped open, revealing fierce, ruby eyes.
"Let me," Renji licked dry lips, "let me jerk you off."
"It's not necessary—"
Byakuya found himself against the futon, Renji leaning over him with his hair curtained around their faces.
"Let me restate that, taicho. I'm not taking no for an answer."
He stifled a gasp as Renji's hand brushed against him. He could acutely feel the heat of Renji against him, feral and wild, and he was aching with need.
"I'm not going to let you say no. You say we are lovers here," he spoke huskily as he slid his hand between the folds of the silken cloth. "Well, I'm not the type of person to leave my lover unsatisfied."
Byakuya groaned at the sensation of heat sliding across his turgid flesh, and the sight of smoldering eyes and locks of blood-darkened hair shutting out the world around him.
The fire that was back in Renji's eyes, it was Renji before the night Hiroki stole the light, changing the demeanor of his vice-captain.
It was this sight; this was the man he desired, not some semblance of Renji. It was this sight, the thought, it will one day return, that made Byakuya release under the skillful administration of his redheaded lover.
"We are partners, aren't we?"
Warm eyes look down and Byakuya was aware no one had seen him like this except one other.
"Yes."
As they wiped down, and Renji twisted his hair into a braid, Byakuya looked out into the night sky. He heard rustling behind him, and he turned to see Renji putting his clothing back in order.
When the man picked up his sword, Byakuya spoke.
"What are you doing, Renji?"
"I, uh, I was just, gonna go?"
He fidgeted.
"Why?"
"Well, I don't think it's right for me to be here. And, I don't have a change of clothing."
Byakuya's face was blank, and Renji hated it. He could never read his captain properly, except when he looked him in the eye. Half the time, Renji wondered if he was doing something wrong, but the man never said a thing. Renji did not realize he understood his captain better than most.
"I believe we have discussed that already."
He watched Renji's hands tightened on his sword.
"You should stay the night. You can borrow a yukata for the night. It is impractical for you to go out at this time. Also, we shall have to discuss the security issue tonight."
He let out a slow breathe of air, and nodded. Byakuya couldn't tell what Renji was thinking. One step forward, and two steps back.
"Alright."
"Let's refresh ourselves. Kishou will show you the way to the baths. Perhaps, this will give you some time to reflect."
"On what? What we did? Don't you mean for yourself," he snapped.
Byakuya regarded him coolly. "Time for both of us to reflect. Our emotions are too frazzled for us to communicate at this moment."
He left the room while Kishou entered.
Renji cursed and slammed his fist hard on the wooden stand containing Byakuya's articles of nobility. He followed Kishou to the bathing area, not noticing there was now a crack in the center of the stand.
Renji sunk into the hot water, sulking while thin wisps of steam warmed his face. His hair drifted around him in wet, crimson skeins as his arms wrapped around his legs.
He leaned his head on his knees as he scowled.
Him and his big mouth.
He didn't understand why he did stuff like this to himself. He couldn't help but just act without thinking. And, now, taicho was probably angry with him after he shot his mouth off like that.
It just, Renji sighed, sinking deeper into the water, taicho doesn't get it. It felt good. And, I'm not in pain any more. It's just…damnit, why can't I find the words. Just when I thought I understood, he throws me through another loop.
Green and silver. He wasn't wearing his uniform. Why though? Only friends are that casual with each other. Does he…is he…
And before he could finish that thought, he dropped all the way down to the tiled floor, allowing the water to suck away his breath as he struggled to cleanse himself in mind and spirit.
Renji rose up, allowing the water to cascade in small ripples down his bare torso, water dripping from his heavy, soaked hair.
He had sex. With his captain. Sorta.
And, he kissed me. He actually kissed me.
He wrung his hair out and pulled a white towel, wrapping himself within its softness and warmth. It was a chilly, autumn day, and he could feel the cold sweeping in, stealing his warmth as he hurriedly dressed in a provided yukata lined with cotton and wool.
As the vice-captain tousled his hair as dry as he could, he frowned.
He didn't like it when Byakuya spoke as if he knew what was best for him. He was a grown man, and had been on his own as early as he could remember. The days on the streets when he had to make his own choices, and sometime choosing wrong. But even if he had picked the wrong one, he had to stick with it. There was no going back. Never.
The thing that bugged Renji the most was the fact his taicho was the one who suggested the whole affair. He didn't know what to do; being with taicho—like that was nerve-wrecking. And, it would happen again, the next time when the pain creep through him, rendering him unfit for duty.
How can taicho not care about his rep? He's a noble. A captain for heaven's sake.
Renji wondered if he had tainted the man, but immediately dismissed this notion. Byakuya was strong; he bent to no one's will except his own.
As he plaited his damped tresses into a loose braid, Renji acknowledged that perhaps he was too on edge. He honestly hadn't meant to snap at Byakuya like that. Yet, he refused to let Byakuya dictated what he'd do. Renji wasn't quite sure what he objecting to, his taicho's decision was sound and reasonable.
Maybe it was because he felt insignificant. Maybe it was his upbringing rearing its head. Renji shivered in memories of friends who died from bottoming. Maybe the real reason he objected so much to Byakuya was because he felt too much. He felt as if he could speak of his past and he wouldn't be shunned. Because, taicho was getting past his barriers, barriers that no one knew existed except maybe Rukia and Kira. And, he didn't want to be that vulnerable.