Chapter 10- Weeks 15-17

Week 15

A week after our appointment with tom, things were still tense between Bella and me. I watched her like a hawk, which I'm sure annoyed her to no end. I wasn't sorry. I hated what I had to do, but she gave me ample reason not to trust her.

I made her take her pills in front of me. I didn't go so far as to check her mouth when she was finished, but I insisted she take them with water and made sure she swallowed.

I told Charlie about the situation too. Bella was pissed when I did, but I knew it was necessary. I asked that he check on her every day around lunch, during his usual midday patrols. He all too readily complied. Bella was furious when she found out.

I also called her twice a day between classes. She only started picking up the phone regularly when she realized how relentless I could be. My constant nagging tied up the work line we had set up in her office, so she had no choice but to pick up. Now when she answered, she'd just say, "I'm fine," and hang up on me. It was still a relief to hear her voice.

At home, the tension was thick. Bella barely spoke to me. We didn't touch, kiss or make love. I feared for our relationship, I feared for Bella's well being, and I feared for the health and safety of our baby.

Tonight we had a family dinner planned at Charlie's house. Bella and I argued over it throughout the week. She didn't want to go. Emmett, Rose and Emma would be there, along with Alice and Jasper. Bella was thoroughly convinced that our siblings and their spouses would judge her, that they somehow knew what we had gone through the week prior. Charlie called her and promised her that he hadn't told anyone about her situation, but Bella remained skeptical.

After much pleading, Bella finally agreed to go, only after I promised her to take her back home immediately if anyone acted strange or judgmental toward her.

I was looking forward to seeing Alice. We hadn't seen her or Jasper since they left for school, and they were coming home for the weekend. They knew Bella was pregnant, but that was all. Our private affairs remained private.

On the ride over, Bella stared quietly out the window. She looked fairly calm, but I could sense her anxiety. Athena was lying across the backseat, staring intently at her, whining every now and then. Even she could sense the tension.

When we pulled up to Charlie's house, I noticed Bella's grip tighten on the door handle. I leaned over and kissed her cheek, but she shrugged away from me. I sighed and got out to retrieve the dog.

"Edward!" Alice squealed, spotting us from Charlie's porch. She ran up and launched herself at me and I hugged her back warmly. "Hey sis," I said. She looked well- bright eyed and happy. Jasper followed behind and shook my hand. Bella gave Alice a tentative hug, and Alice gushed over how good Bella looked, but I knew she was lying to make her feel better.

Bella's eyes were dark underneath and her hair hung limp and lifeless. She wore loose clothes because she had gained a few pounds, though she didn't exactly look pregnant. She just looked… broken.

Emmett and Rose were already inside trying to calm a squealing Emma and Charlie and Sue were in the kitchen finishing dinner. Bella approached Emma quietly and stared at her for a few moments, before asking Rosalie timidly, "Can I pick her up?"

This was a first for Bella. She never held Emma, even when she was a baby. She always said she was afraid to drop her. I watched her closely as she leaned down tentatively and picked up the baby. She looked beautiful in that moment, holding the child, though she was so unsure of herself. She stood still as a statue, afraid to move.

Rosalie smiled gently at Bella and asked, "Do you want to play with her?"

"I… I don't know how," Bella said warily.

"I'll help you," Rosalie insisted. "Come on." I watched as Rosalie took Emma from Bella's arms and sat her down on a large play mat surrounded by colorful blocks. I watched with a small smile as Bella hesitantly helped Emma stack blocks. I could see the fear in her eyes. Bella knew nothing about children. I wanted to go to her, comfort her, but I knew Rosalie had it under control.

Instead, I grabbed a beer from the cooler Charlie had set up by the back door. I called Athena out with me and sat out in the back yard alone, on one of Charlie's loungers. I silently sipped my beer, contemplating the last week.

A few minutes into the silence, I heard the sliding glass door open and shut, and watched out of the corner of my eye as Charlie flopped down into the lounger next to me.

"How's she doing," he asked me. "Really?"

"Sad, angry, lashing out," I answered honestly. "I think she's starting to hate me."

"She could never hate you," Charlie murmured. "She's probably just mad at herself."

"Maybe," I muttered, taking a pull of my beer.

"You know, she's lucky to have you, son," he said, looking straight into my eyes. "A lesser man would have left by now."

No more words were spoken after that. We both just stared out into the tree line, watching the light slowly fade away.

Week 16

"Bella?" I called through her office door. "It's almost time to go."

She didn't respond, but I heard shuffling behind the door, and then it opened. She looked at me, slightly confused.

"You're coming with me?"

I cocked my head a little at her. "Of course I'm coming with you." It was time for our second ultrasound. I was anxious to see how the baby was doing, craving to see it's tiny body on the screen. I needed proof, validation. I needed to remind myself that this was all worth it. Why wouldn't I want to share this with her?

"Oh, okay. I just thought…"

"Thought what?" I asked.

"Nothing, never mind," she answered. "I'm ready."

I had arranged for a sub for all my afternoon classes so I could take Bella to her appointment. When we got to the driveway, I opened the passenger door for her, and she got in. Once inside the drivers seat, I reached for her hand, but she pulled away again.

I sighed. Things were no better between us. It was almost two weeks before she was back on her medication, but I saw no improvement. She was still jumpy, unsure, and isolating herself from everyone, including me.

Give it time, I urged myself. I didn't know how much more I could take.

In the exam room, Bella was asked to put on a paper gown. I offered to help, but she shrugged me off. She turned her back to me as she changed.

The exam table was high. I offered her my hand to help her up, but she insisted on jumping up there herself.

I tugged at the roots of my hair in frustration as we waited for Dr. Carmen. When she finally came, I was grateful for the break in the silence.

She asked all the routine questions. Prenatal vitamins? Yes. Cramping? No. Bleeding? No. Morning sickness. Gone. Cravings. Sometimes.

Bella gave only one-word answers.

The internal exam was the worst. I knew that Bella hated them, and I wanted to be there to hold her and talk to her while it was happening, to try to ease her stress. But she didn't want me this time. I could see clearly the pain in her eyes as the exam started, but she didn't want me to comfort her. Why was she pushing me away?

When it finally came time for the ultrasound, I asked if we would be able to find out the sex of the baby. Dr. Carmen said it was a possibility, but unlikely. She asked Bella if she wanted to know as well if it could be seen. Bella only shrugged.

Dr. Carmen passed the wand over Bella's tiny baby bump, and the grainy image appeared. My mouth dropped open.

The screen clearly showed our baby's head, it's tiny body, it's little ears and eyes… it was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Dr. Carmen clicked a button on the screen then, and I heard the most beautiful sound in the world.

Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa… the fluttering of a heartbeat.

I looked anxiously at Bella, to see if she was sharing in my awe. Silent tears were streaming down her face, and I reached to brush them away. She didn't cringe away from me this time.

"Happy tears?" I asked gently.

She nodded. "He…she… it's so beautiful…" she whispered.

I couldn't fight it anymore. I didn't care if she tried to pull away. I leaned across her and kissed her lips with everything I had in me. She didn't kiss me back, but she didn't turn her head either. It was a start.

Maybe things would be okay.

Week 17

I stared at the framed image of the ultrasound on my desk, lost in thought. The doctor wasn't able to tell us whether it was a boy or a girl just yet, but we had another appointment scheduled in a month, and we were told we would almost assuredly know by then.

After the rare intimate moment we shared in the exam room, Bella went back to shutting me out. Her medication should have taken effect by now, but she still seemed so lost and broken, refusing all help. She kept her appointments with Tom, she continued to take her medication, but she still wandered around like a lost soul.

A knock on my office door snapped me out of my thoughts, and I looked up to see Ben standing in the doorway. "You look like you've had a rough day," he commented.

"Yeah, something like that," I muttered.

He came closer to where I was sitting and looked at the framed picture of the ultrasound. He smiled gently and said, "That's a nice lookin' kid you got there."

"Thanks."

"So uh, you up for drinks with me and Angie? It's been a while since we've hung out."

I realized that was exactly what I needed. I pulled out my phone to call Bella.

"I'm fine," she snapped when she picked up. This time she didn't hang up right away.

"I'm going out with Ben and Angie after work. Did you want to come?"

"No," she said shortly.

"Okay, I'll see you later," I said. "I love you."

There was a click on the other end. I clenched my fists. "Drinks?" I half-growled at Ben. He gave me a sympathetic look.

Once at Waylon's I started ordering straight shots. I was never much of a drinker, but I felt a strong urge to just forget for a while, so I did.

Ben and Angie were prattling on about work gossip and their perfect happy lives.

After a couple of hours of heavy drinking on my part, Ben said, "Okay, Edward, I think you've had enough."

"I'm fucking fine," I growled, rising from my seat. I felt the room sway a little, but ignored the sensation. I just wanted another drink. I slammed my fist down at the bar to summon the bartender, but it was Waylon who showed up in front of me.

"Edward, man. You've had enough."

"I could never have enough," I slurred. "Do you know what a clusterfuck my life is right now? Get me another fucking drink!"

"Edward, let Ben take you home. Please?" I knew Waylon would never forcibly remove me from the bar, but out of respect for my former employer I finally conceded. I didn't want to make a scene in the bar.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I whipped my head around to see it was only Ben. I shrugged him off and stormed out towards the door. Ben followed me out while Angie stayed behind to pay the tab. I hoped I would remember to pay them back.

I don't remember exactly what happened on the ride home, but I remember letting my feelings fly. I prattled on and on about how unfair it was that Bella was pushing me away at a time in our lives that should have been the happiest. I was angry, yelling, and venting all my frustrations out during the short ride to my house.

Ben and Angie showed only concern for me in their expressions as they helped me out of the car- there was no judgment in their eyes. It felt so good to vent to people completely outside the situation. It felt freeing.

As Ben pulled up in front of my house, he hesitated. "Do you really think you should go in there like this? You can come back to our place to sober up a little first?"

"I need to talk to my wife," I grumbled, ripping the door open and stumbling out of the car. Ben rushed out to meet me on my side and put his arm around my shoulders to steady me. Angie followed behind as Ben walked me to the door and knocked hesitantly on it. Athena started barking.

"I have a key," I muttered, fishing in my pockets. "Somewhere…"

When Bella opened the door, her eyes widened in shock. "Oh my God, Edward. Are you okay?"

"What the fuck do you care?" I snapped, stumbling past her and towards the fridge. I pulled a beer from the bottom shelf and downed it in seconds. I could hear Bella talking to Ben and Angie in the foyer. What a lovely way for them to make introductions, I thought dryly.

Bella came back to the kitchen, where I was half hanging over the breakfast bar, sipping my second beer. "Don't you think you've had enough?" she asked, her voice small.

"Enough," I muttered. "It's never enough. I'm never enough."

"What do you mean by that?"

I glared at her. "Don't act like you don't know."

"I don't know," she argued. "What the hell are you talking about?"

I stared at her for a second and walked away, towards Alice's room. I opened the door for the first time since Alice left.

Alice left very few things. There were just the bare items of furniture and a couple of posters on the wall. I ripped them down and crumpled them in my hands.

"What are you doing?" Bella asked frantically.

"This is supposed to be our fucking nursery," I said angrily. "We should be decorating it and picking out fucking furniture and toys, and fucking celebrating. Instead we do this shit every fucking day."

"What shit?"

"Are you blind Bella? Or do you think I'm stupid. You don't fucking love me anymore!" I screamed, slamming my fist down on the dresser.

"What?" she asked, shock on her face. "How could you think that?"

"How could I not? You push me away. You won't touch me. You don't even tell me anymore. You used to tell me every night. You used to say in case anything happened during the night, you always wanted the last thing you said to me to be 'I love you'. Do you know how long it's been since I heard that?"

"Oh my God," she whispered. Her face was red and tears were flowing. I watched her rush out of the room, and I faintly heard the sound of her vomiting in the bathroom. I doubted it was the morning sickness returning. She was legitimacy sick this time. But I couldn't bring myself to go to her.

Instead, I flopped down angrily on the bare mattress that used to be Alice's bed, and that was the last thing I remembered about that night.

When I woke up, my head was pounding and my mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton. I groaned and rolled over, squinting my eyes against the light. When they finally came to focus, I noticed a glass of water with two small white pills sitting next to it. Tylenol, I thought. Bless her.

Propped up against the water glass was a folded note with my name on it. Suddenly fear consumed me as I remembered the events of the night before, and the way I spoke to her, and yelled at her. I wondered if she would ever forgive me.

I unfolded the note warily, fearing what she had to say. My eyes began to tear as I read it, remorse filling me.

I'm sorry, was all the note said.

I released it, watching it float to the ground as I thought, Oh God, me too.

A/N- So Edward finally let it out- it was a long time coming, so don't be too mad at him!

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