Before you read this let me tell you that its always darkest before the dawn. Anyone who's gotten this far probably won't expect any different of me than a healthy dose of angst, hopefully :) And may I say I feel very appreciated – I should go away more often, my ego is loving you all right now.
Xbroadwaycastle: I grant your high five and also add oi oi oi! Yay for us for finding this show even though I only realised recently they even screen it here. Bless the internet, right?
Tuckp3 and System D Rail: First thanks and secondly onto the toilet thing. Australian toilets have a much lower water level in the bowl. I can't believe I've started a toilet discussion in my fanfic lol.
Tdor: Thank you and that's a really great observation about Milord, I wish I could say I'd thought of that parallel first. I love the way things like that can happen by accident.
Chapter Ten
Jane returned to Maura's apartment at mid-morning the next day. This time she brought croissants, donuts and coffee. She'd waited at the door nervously, worrying that she might appear to be overly eager by coming over again so soon (especially seeing as she hadn't called). Staying away just felt out of the question - she craved Maura's company too much. She knew this period couldn't last but she wanted it to stretch out forever, a time when she hadn't hurt Lauren yet and everything felt okay. Her remorse bubbled underneath the surface, ever present, but it wasn't enough to threaten what she and Maura had together.
Any fears about being unwelcome had been dispelled as soon as Maua smiled at her, swinging the door back and waving her inside. They'd read the morning paper together, drank coffee, and then of course they'd had another agonising, torturously good make-out session on the couch. Once again they'd pushed the boundaries, driving one another crazy in the best possible way.
They hadn't talked about Lauren at all this time. Maura didn't ask about her and Jane didn't tell, though she felt a panicky feeling in her gut when Maura mentioned that she had plans to catch up with Lauren later in the day. Just hearing Lauren's name made her feel anxious, but she tried to dismiss the thought. It was only a matter of time now before she had that dreaded conversation with Lauren – it may even be that night, or the next.
Jane walked out of Maura's apartment feeling fifty feet tall. She imagined that her hair must be tousled, and her body still felt aroused and warm, all liquid. For a few moments she'd ceased thinking about anything; she'd stopped thinking about her guilt and regret and how her emotions were tangling her life up in a way that she'd always done her best to avoid. All she was thinking about in that moment was Maura and the taste of her skin.
She'd been staring straight ahead, striding towards the elevator with her hands in her pockets – pracically whistling in giddy happiness when Lauren appearred. They were walking towards one another and they each saw the other at what felt like the exact same moment. In twin formation their feet stopped moving. The smile melted from Jane's face and was replaced by a look of horror, while Lauren's face was a mask of confusion.
"Jane? What are you doing here?" Lauren asked.
"Oh, we . . . um. We were just having brunch. I'm sorry we didn't invite you, I figured you'd still be beat after your essay," Jane lied, not thinking about how she was just digging a deeper hole, just wanting to get away. She wasn't ready, she hadn't prepared.
"I was bringing her some lunch, actually," Lauren replied, frowning over Jane's shoulder, the clues obviously piling up. "We were supposed to catch up later but I was around so I thought. . . " She was now glaring at Jane, and it was clear that she'd read the whole story on Jane's guilty face. "Why don't you take it to her?"
Lauren dumped the take out containers she'd been carrying onto the floor, which was probably the most dramatic thing Jane had ever seen her do, and turned away. Jane followed her back to the elevator and watched helplessly as Lauren started mashing at the down button. She looked back over her shoulder, hoping that Maura wouldn't hear Lauren's raised voice and complicate things further by coming outside.
She put her hand up and tried to touch Lauren's shoulder, and Lauren jumped away from her. "Lauren, wait. Let's go somewhere and talk, I've been wanting to talk to you . . ."
"Don't bother. You lied right in my face about this. It's bad enough that you had to go after the person that you know I'm interested in, but you've been sneaking around behind my back!"
"I'm sorry Lauren. I didn't mean for this to happen, I've been trying to do the right thing but -" she spoke fast, trying to get as much of it out as she could while Lauren was still listening. They argued back and forth with Jane trying to explain, but it was too hard. It was impossible to defend herself when there was no justification for what she'd done.
Suddenly Lauren turned to her, her voice dropping, her tone now measured and cold. "You know what? Why don't you just go ahead? Do whatever you want! You always will anyway. You're selfish. Wait til Maura finds that out because she will. You're incapable of thinking about anyone but yourself. You'll hurt her and this time I won't be around to pick up the pieces. You've just thrown our friendship away for another failure - so have fun. Cos I never want to see you again."
Jane was holding her breath. She felt winded, like she'd been punched in the gut. Learning what Lauren really thought was even more painful than she'd imagined. What kind of a person did her best friend think she was – the one person who was supposed to think well of her? Lauren didn't look the least bit sorry about what she'd said and it was clear that she meant every bit of it. Lauren was watching her face, making sure that her words had landed and then she turned to walk away towards the stairs.
Jane stood stock still for a moment when the door swung shut behind Lauren. Her first instinct was to go back to Maura's and tell her what had happened. Instead she picked up the mess from the floor, too numb to cry. She didn't deserve to go in there and ask for comfort – it would only make her feel worse. When the elevator doors opened she stepped inside.
Jane could hear her cell ringing that night, and when the caller ID showed Maura's number she switched it to silent. All she had the strength to do was stay in bed, which was where she'd gone as soon as she got home.
Of course she'd known it was going to end up like this, with Lauren furious at her, but she hadn't been able to predict exactly how bad it would feel. How could she just go and play happy couples with Maura after what had happened? She'd broken her best friend's heart. In the end it wasn't Maura who had the power to hurt Lauren this much. It was only her, who was supposed to be the constant while lovers came and went. Lauren had been the only person to stand by her the last few years - through her bad moods and bullshit - and she had repaid her with this.
The next day she didn't get out of bed when she was supposed to, knowing that she couldn't face classes. Her mom had come in to fuss over her and lay a palm over Jane's forehead; Jane had swatted her away and groaned at her to leave her be. Eventually she grew tired of being in bed and got up to shower, thinking that she might go for a walk and get some air.
When she returned to her room towel-drying her hair, clothed in an old baseball shirt and sweat pants, she jumped. Maura was sitting on her bed with her hands clasped in her lap. Even with the night she'd had Jane felt self-consciousness at looking like such a slob in front of Maura.
"Hey," she said. Maura stood to greet her and Jane avoided her, instead arranging her towel over the back of a chair and then sitting down in it. Maura had put out a hand - presumably for a hug - and she covered the movement by brushing a hand through her hair and smoothing out her dress.
"What's going on?" Maura asked.
"She came over to your place yesterday. She saw me in the hall," Jane explained, clearing her throat and crossing her arms. She looked down at the floor and studied the messy carpet. Her clothes were strewn all over it.
"Oh. She didn't show up for the lunch we had planned. And neither of you were taking my calls," Maura said pointedly. "Was it bad?"
Jane scoffed sarcastically, hating the sound as it came out. "Yeah. It was bad."
"At least it's out in the open now, yes?" Maura replied, her voice thin and anxious.
"I think I – I think I . . ." Jane struggled. She did not want to cry in front of Maura. She hadn't shed a tear since her confrontation with Lauren but being confronted with Maura's face made her want to now. Maura approached her and Jane put her hands out in front to show that she didn't want to be touched. "I can't do this now. I can't act like nothing's happened."
"I'm not asking you to. I know this must hurt Jane, but don't push me away. I can help you, I can be there for you," she said softly.
"No. I need some space," Jane mumbled. It sounded so clichéd she was embarrassed to say it, but it was how she felt. She'd spent the entire night wondering how she had ever thought she was going to be able to navigate a relationship with Maura after all this. Lauren's words had hit home in a spectacular fashion. She was certain that even if she tried to make things work with Maura she'd screw it up, and be left alone without her best friend to comfort her. All of Maura's faith in her had been misplaced; she'd felt all along that she didn't deserve it and had done her best to turn a blind eye to those feelings.
She finally risked a look at Maura, and her face beyond sad. She couldn't bear to look at it. "Maura, I think you'd be better off with someone else."
"Why would you say that?" Maura said sharply. It was quiet for a long time and Jane could feel Maura's eyes on her. "I know this must be terribly difficult for you. I didn't intend to put pressure on you by coming over here today, but I think you should understand how in the dark I was feeling."
Jane sighed, rubbing her eyes. "It's not that. I do understand, and I'm sorry I didn't take your call. But that's the kind of thing I do, Maura. I avoid. You don't really know me at all. I've never even been in a real relationship before, I'm not good at this stuff."
She finally looked at Maura properly, who gazed back at her, shocked. "Perhaps you should have considered such things before you began pursuing me. Or is it just the thrill of the chase for you?"
Jane shook her head – the thought that Maura could believe that horrified her. How could she even begin to explain? Maybe it was better that Maura should think the worst of her, it would be easier for Maura if she could just hate her. Her eyes drifted to the floor, and then out the window, wishing she were anywhere but here. Maura picked up her handbag. Her movements were slow, as though she were hoping that somehow the outcome would change.
Jane didn't say a word as she walked out of the door. It was already too late.